The Horror of Mr.Bean's Brother
Written by Roy Mustang
THE TRUE STORY OF EDWARD ELRIC, THE BEAN
"Well, I've saved the world from the evil menace called 'Mr.Bean', who was terrorizing everyone in East, West, North, South, and Central. I guess everyone but me, of course, was afraid. But, nowadays, I feel like throwing up, which I never do in my whole life. That would destroy my greatness and would make me a sissy Flame Alchemist.
It was one of those days where I actually felt like going to work, blowing up my ink pen (which isn't a good idea, by the way),sabotaging all my paperwork, and then leaving. Riza restrained me from doing so by taping me to my chair with duct tape, but I burned and melted the tape off anyway (which also isn't a good idea). A ringing sound came from my phone: Someone was calling. I picked it up and asked Fuery who was on the line and he said I would find out when I recieved the message, so I sighed, cleaned ink off my face from my blown up pen, and took the message. Fuery said it was 931-7432 East HQ, which meant that somebody from work wanted me. I dropped the phone back into it's reciever instead of taking the message. I was tired. Then I suddenly wondered if whoever calling me was female, and I hoped to God it wasn't because thenyour mommywould kill me for sure, and just thinking about the horrible gruesome death that awaited me made me leap out of my chair and slam my face into the floor. By this time,Mommy had already come back in and tied me up with more duct tape, so I hopped over to my desk and somehow managed to pick up the phone with my foot. That was a tricky business, I assure you, Maes."
"So what happened next?" Maes asked as Leroy and Ed Junior tumbled past the room kicking and screaming. Roy snapped his fingers and the hallway erupted in an explosion of flames and yelps of pain.
"Well, I said 'Hello?', holding the phone near my ear. I decided it would be best if I turned on my speakerphone, so I did, and I could rest on the floor peacefully. 'Yo, what's up Roy? It's me, Havoc!' Havoc said over the phone line. 'Oh, hi Havoc. What did you call me for again?' I asked. Havoc paused for a moment, then said 'Did you hear? I'm getting promoted to a Brig. General! I'm so happy...' Havoc said. 'What? Oh, I mean, that's great for you, Havoc, but you'll never become Fuhrer like the lazy bum that you are.' Havoc coughed and then said 'Whoops, gotta go, see ya! Got Brigadier General work to do!'
'You know," I said, 'you have harder work than I do, I'll just warn you of that!' I said, standing on my two feet, free of duct tape at last. Havoc hung up before I could tell him that the fuhrer was a homunculi, but then, I figured he didn't have to know. He wouldn't be able to kill him anyway. I stood up and got a glass of water, put on my uniform, and headed for the door, but a tiny bean looking thing was looking at me. I looked at it and it socked me in the toe, almost breaking it, then leaped to my face and somehow knocked me unconscious..."
"Are you telling bogus stories about my dad again, Uncle Roy?" Ed Junior asked from the doorway, singed and burnt. He didn't get to hear an answer because Leroy leaped at him and they rolled, hissing and snarling, down the steps. All seven flights of them.
"Anyways, I woke up a while later to the horrible stench of rotting garbage and dead bodies!" Maes shivered in the sheets and pulled them closer to his chin, and Roy leaned closer to him. "And I opened my eyes and I see a big ugly shadow on the wall, with teeth as long as my arm dripping with something that looked like blood, and massive horns sprouted from it everywhere! And there were spines all over it, with little pieces of meat stuck in them! And it came closer and closer and closer and then it went 'RAAAAAAAAR!'" Roy grabbed little Maes and Maes squeaked as Roy tickled him. Maes got over his initial fear and Roy put his forehead against Maes's.
"And you know what it turned out to be, Maes?"
"A big scary monster?" Maes asked, giggling as the stubble on Roy's cheeks scratched against him.
"No... it was worse than that... much worse... it was... a BEAN!" Roy cried in mock horror. "A bean with a chainsaw! But I wasn't afraid, because I'm the Flame Alchemist and I have a reputation to keep. The bean glares at me. I try to get up but I feel something cold locked down on my arms, a Fist-Locking-Thingamabob (at least, that's what was engraved in it). I looked at the bean again and it revved the old rusted chainsaw and said in a bellowing voice, 'HOW DARE YOU KILL MY BROTHER! YOU SHALL DIE FOR YOUR BAD MANNERS, YOU BAD MAN!"
" 'Brother?' I ask, 'Oh, you mean Mr.Bean. My God, he's your brother?' I exclaimed. I snapped my fingers but nothing came out of my gloves. They weren't on, that was the problem." Maes giggled again and put his arms around his neck. "So what happened then?"
" The chain saw came nearer and nearer to me, but the stupid bean left me my other pair of gloves, which was a miracle, and I managed to spill them out of my pocket and rub them together, creating sparks. I melted the Fist-Locker and the bean's jaws unlocked, and he screeched, 'What the heck? How in the world are you doing that?' And I say-"
"I'm theFlame Alchemist! The best alchemist in the world," Maes sang, and Roy grinned.
"Well, maybe not the best in the world... but anyway. I smirked at him and said, 'I'm the Flame Alchemist! Now die for your insolence, YOU RABID BEING FROM URANUS!' and the bean stares at me and says 'I come from there? But, that means-' the bean starts, but I finish, 'No no, the freakin' planet Uranus.'
"And he says 'Oh, okay then... I've always been wondering,' the bean said, pulling a smile on his face. But then, the smile turned into an angry face!" Roy grabbed Maes's cheeks and Maes squealed again. "And the chain saw went towards me! I snapped my fingers, melted the chainsaw, and transmuted a bottle from a decomposed skeleton (that smelled really bad)to capture the bean.
As I walked towards the ladder, my new prize in tow, I suddenly realize that I was in North City's sewers, and I wondered how in the world this little dumb bean could carry me all the way from East to North. There was a taxi waiting and the guy said, 'Hey, you're back! I thought the little green guy wanted you to stay...' and he scratches his head, and I say, 'Don't strain your brain, Einstein; he had other plans. He invited the wrong alchemist to spend the night.' I paid the taxi toll and I was headed back for East City. The end," Roy concluded, and Maes clapped.
"I liked the story Daddy."
"You did? Good. Maybe one day when you're all grown up you can have fun adventures like me. But for right now... I'd better go pull your brother and your cousin apart." Roy snapped his fingers and the hallway exploded with flame, sparks, and yelpsagain.
Yay, another heavily medicated chapter to the 'Mr.Bean' Series. Sorry this one took so long. Just for reference, the next chapter will be called 'The Skeleton of Mr.Bean'.
-T A