Disclaimer: Characters and concepts from "Tenchi Muyo!" are Copyright AIC and Pioneer LDC. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.
All's Fair in Love (Part 2)
Mihoshi was downstairs, watching a re-run of her favorite soap opera. Ryoko entered the room, with Ryo-Ohki cradled in one arm. "Is it time for Ryo-chan's mid-morning carrot? Yes it is!" the cyan-haired woman said to her charge, stroking the cabbit's ears.
"Shhh, please." Mihoshi said. "They're about to kiss! And after a four-month separation, the earth is going to move."
"Well then, I won't get in the way." Ryoko floated up in to the air so as not to block Mihoshi's view, drifted over to the door to the storeroom, and went inside. Mihoshi leaned forward, her eyes fixed on the television. And the earth indeed seemed to move. The problem was that the impressive shaking and thunderous noise came from the room next door.
Mihoshi sat up, blinking. She was quite sure those effects had not happened the first time she had watched this episode. Deciding to investigate, she had just gotten to her feet when the storeroom door opened, and out came Sasami. The young princess had Ryo-Ohki on her head, and was clearly in a cheery mood as she trotted by the detective with a giggle. The cabbit, on the other hand, looked about as confused as Mihoshi felt. The blonde watched the two go outside, then walked over to the storeroom and opened the door.
In the middle of the room was a large pile of twenty-kilo sacks of rice. Mihoshi looked all around for Ryoko, and noticed a hand sticking out from under the mound of sacks, twitching faintly.
"Ryoko?" Mihoshi called hesitantly.
"Not a freakin' WORD . . ." growled Ryoko's voice from under the pile.
Even Mihoshi knew enough to very quietly close the door, and tiptoe back to the television.
A short time later, in the floating onsen, Sasami was scrubbing Ryo-Ohki's back before a well-earned long soak. "I give better baths than Ryoko, don't I?" said the princess confidently.
"Mya, mya, myaa," responded the toddler-cabbit, which roughly translated to "sometimes Ryoko doesn't know her own strength."
"There, we're ready to rinse now." Sasami said. "This is going to be a little cold." She raised the small wooden tub to just above Ryo-Ohki's head, and gently poured the water, rinsing away the soap suds.
"Myaaa!" Ryo-Ohki squeaked in protest, needing no translation.
"I know," Sasami sympathized, "but it makes the onsen feel even better afterwards." She adjusted the towel wrapped around her. "Now we're both ready. I know Ryoko likes to just jump right in, but when there are others in the bath it's better to slide in with hardly a ripple." The princess stepped gracefully into the steaming water, her toes pointed to disturb the surface as little as possible. "See?"
But the cabbit saw something wasn't right. "Mya, myaa!" she mewed. For there were now ripples all around Sasami, and instead of dying away, they seemed to get larger with each passing moment. Rapidly Sasami found herself in the middle of a whirlpool. The blue-haired princess was swept off her feet. She tried desperately to swim to the edge, but the water carried her around in circles, going closer and closer to the cascades that ran out of the onsen to the lake below. Finally the water seemed to heave her bodily into one of the chutes.
"YEEEEE!" Sasami screamed like an eight-year old girl going over a waterfall. Then there was a distant splash, and the waters of the onsen calmed as rapidly as they had risen.
Ryoko appeared, floating over the surface of the bath. "Now isn't that shameful of Sasami, flying off and leaving you all alone?" she asked Ryo-Ohki. "Well, I suppose I'll just have to take her place."
Some distance below, Sasami splashed to the shore of the lake. By some miracle having to do with anti-child-pornography laws, she still had her towel wrapped around her. Shivering a little, she waded onto dry land, placing her bare feet carefully on the slippery grass. She gave a smoldering glare at the floating onsen, then began picking her way back to the house.
There was one advantage to the situation with Ryo-Ohki, Tenchi thought. For once he could sit on the living room couch and watch a soccer match without Ryoko being all over him. The former space pirate was explaining the rules of the sport to Ryo-Ohki and also to Mihoshi, both of whom looked equally befuddled.
Out of the corner of his eye Tenchi saw something move. He turned to look, and saw an origami rabbit being pulled across the living room floor by a thin string. Ryo-Ohki had seen it too, and hopped over to sniff curiously at the paper creation. It continued to move toward the stairs, and the cabbit cautiously followed it.
But now Ryoko intervened. Her foot came down on the string tugging the paper rabbit onward. "All right, Sasami! Don't try to pretend you're not there!" The young princess came around the corner with a defiant expression. Ryoko smirked at her. "Nice try, kid. But did you really think I wouldn't notice?"
Sasami looked Ryoko in the eye. "Well, I have just one thing to say about that."
"And that is?" Ryoko said condescendingly.
"Washu says it's time for your 5,000 light-year checkup."
The smirk disappeared from Ryoko's face. There was a sound like a car door being shut, and she saw that a clamp on the end of a metal tentacle had fastened itself around her right ankle. A moment later another clamp attached itself to her left arm. A panicked look back showed that the door under the stairs was opening, and more tentacles swarmed out. Ryoko tried to fight them off, but in seconds the rest of her limbs were caught. The door came fully open, revealing Washu dressed in her nurse's uniform.
"Come to Momma!" Washu said with a grin that somehow managed to send a chill up the spine of everyone in the room.
"NNOOOOO-" Ryoko wailed as she was reeled in through the doorway like a trout. The door swung shut, cutting off her protest.
"M . . . m . . . mya?" mewed Ryo-Ohki uncertainly, staring wide-eyed at the door.
"Here, Ryo-Ohki," Sasami trotted over to the cabbit and picked her up, "I can show you how to fold a spaceship, too." The princess walked out of the room, putting the cabbit on her head.
Mihoshi and Tenchi both stared for a few moments. Finally Mihoshi broke the silence. "That's out of the ordinary for Sasami, isn't it?"
Tenchi was less surprised, having accepted the fact that interludes of calm rarely lasted in the Masaki household. "Did I ever tell you about the time she bargained me into trying to steal Ayeka's tiara?" he asked.
It was an idyllic scene. The sun shone down brightly, but without the searing heat of mid-summer. The gentle breeze stirred only small ripples in the pond. The centuries-old tree provided just the right amount of shade for the little girl and her furry companion sleeping tranquilly at the base of its trunk. It was true that the tree, the blue-haired girl, and the pet in her lap were all more than they seemed to be at first glance. Just at that moment, however, hidden powers and galactic destinies did not matter. It was what it appeared to be; a peaceful interlude that few would have had the heart to disturb.
But one of those few had appeared. There was the low-pitched sound of teleportation, and a shadow fell across the two sleepers. Hovering an arm's length in the air was Ryoko, the scourge of the spaceways, whose name was still spoken with anxiety on a thousand planets. Her golden eyes narrowed to fierce slits, and her tail lashed like that of a lioness fixed on her prey. Her hand opened and reached for the drowsing pair.
At that moment, there was a bell-like sound, and a flash of light off to one side. Ryoko stopped, all her senses alert. A beam of multi-colored light came from one of Funaho's leaves and went into the pond, accompanied by the same sound. Then another, and then several more. The area of the pond where the beams were going lost all its ripples, and became as smooth as a mirror. And Ryoko saw that where Sasami's reflection should have been, there was the image of Tsunami. What was more, instead of sleeping she was clearly wide awake. The goddess turned her head slightly, and looked directly into Ryoko's eyes. Ryoko was suddenly conscious of a feeling very much like the time she had peeked down the barrel of Washu's Planet Eradicator Mark III.
Ryoko's ears drooped. Summoning her powers of stealth and silent movement, she retreated from the area with her tail between her legs.
In an effort to have a peaceful meal, the entire family had been assembled around the dinner table, including Katsuhito and Noboyuki. Ryo-Ohki had been provided with a separate dish some distance away so that neither Sasami nor Ryoko could try to grab her. Katsuhito had been requested to sit next to Ryoko, and Ayeka to sit next to Sasami. Ayeka still looked glum about the situation, since she had hoped to sit next to Tenchi while Ryoko was distracted. Sasami had produced a delicious dinner as usual, since she had enlisted Ryo-Ohki in toddler form to help her, and Ryoko had been wise enough not to interfere. But the meal was rather strained, with Ryoko and Sasami giving each other dangerous looks every few minutes.
Finally Ryoko spoke. "I say we resolve this. Loser agrees to back down."
"Oh?" Sasami regarded the former space pirate coolly. "What sort of contest are you thinking of?"
"You cannot fight with my sister, Ryoko," Ayeka said sharply, "it wouldn't be fair!"
"I'm not helpless, big sister." Sasami responded.
"Oooh, this sounds so romantic!" Mihoshi said. "Like a challenge to pistols at dawn!"
"Omigawd – for once, I think she has something there." Said Washu. "It would be simple enough, for me anyway, to come up with something that would register a hit without being life-threatening. And, both Sasami and Ryoko would be equally unfamiliar with the weapons."
"All right, I accept!" Ryoko said. "Are you game, kid?"
"Count me in!" answered Sasami. "And Ayeka, do you think you can make some costumes to give the right look?"
"You've been reading a lot of Earth romantic fiction, haven't you?" commented Washu.
"Oh – well, I guess I could. . ." Ayeka was still uncertain.
"And will you be my second?" Sasami saw the blank look on her sister's face. "You know, the one chosen to guard against foul play by the other side?"
Ayeka gave Ryoko a piercing look. "I will be honored to be your second, little sister."
Ryoko frowned for a moment, but then brightened. "Tenchi, will you be my –"
"I think it would be best if Tenchi stayed neutral in this matter." Katsuhito interposed. Ryoko gave the shrine priest a glare like a bonfire. Katsuhito returned it with a gaze like a glacier. Ryoko blinked.
"Okay, it was Mihoshi's idea, so she'll bring me luck!" Ryoko turned to the blonde. "Will you be my second, Mihoshi?"
"Sure!" Mihoshi gushed. "This is going to be great!"
"All right, I'll need to take everyone's measurements." said Ayeka.
"Should we have flintlocks or percussion caps?" Washu asked the two opponents.
One hundred and forty normal girls in the Senior class, Noboyuki thought to himself, but noooo – I had to fall for the alien . . .
After the duel, Tenchi had been the most eager to change back into his regular clothes, almost sprinting up the stairs to his room. He did have an excuse, for the carrot fields needed tending to before the day got too warm. The others drifted back into the house more slowly, and Ayeka ended up nagging Sasami to change back to what she considered a more appropriate outfit. Eventually Ayeka had collected all the costumes into the laundry room, and returned to find most of the group still talking excitedly about the morning's events.
"Well, I still say it's not right." Ryoko pouted. "I am Ryo-Ohki's big sister, after all."
"Actually, no," Ayeka spoke up, "although even Washu has made that mistake. Strictly speaking--"
"Excuse me!" Washu bristled. "I think I would know about both Ryoko and Ryo-Ohki. Unless you're going to claim the credit like Kagato did?"
"I would never dream of claiming credit for Ryoko," Ayeka said while Ryoko's face darkened, "and for once I think Ryoko is happy about that as well."
Ryoko considered having Ayeka for a mother, and her attitude instantly improved. "There you have a point."
But Washu was no less irritated. "So you agree that I'm the mother of both Ryo-Ohki and Ryoko, and that makes them sisters."
"But you aren't Ryo-Ohki's mother," countered Ayeka, "first, you have no genetic link to her."
"Humph! Who your birth parents are shouldn't determine everything." Washu said pointedly to the princess.
"Not everything, perhaps, but it is universally recognized as important." Ayeka was unfazed. "But more important still, Ryo-Ohki is a generation removed. She is the daughter of the first Ryo-Ohki, which if we agree that she and Ryoko had a common father, would make you, Ryoko, the aunt of the new Ryo-Ohki." She turned to her younger sister. "Remember, Sasami, that as a Juraian it's important to keep track of the generations of spaceships."
"Enough lecturing, Ayeka." A vein was starting to bulge in Washu's forehead. "No one likes a know-it-all!"
"Now there is something I freely concede you are the expert on." Ayeka replied, not bothering to turn back towards the pint-size scientist.
Ryoko sat up and paid close attention. She needed no link to realize that Washu's temper had reached the breaking point. The red-headed genius gestured, and a hole opened in mid-air next to her. Reaching inside, she drew out a good-sized mallet, sized up her target, and swung a powerful stroke at the back of Ayeka's head.
But for once, Washu had miscalculated. The First Princess of Jurai had received personal training from the commander of the Juraian Imperial Bodyguard, not to mention extensive combat experience from a certain ex-space-pirate, and knew better than to ignore a threat behind her. The mallet rebounded from Ayeka's force field and caught its wielder square in the forehead. Washu went down like a domino.
"Um, Washu? Ayeka?" Sasami began.
Ryoko laid a hand on the young princess's arm. "Trust me, Sasami, no sense your going in the path of a runaway train."
And to confirm her words, Washu sat up, hissing like a steam engine. She gestured again, and the hole reappeared. From it, Washu drew out an even larger mallet with a set of crystalline studs set into the face.
"Not hard to guess what those things are for." Commented Ryoko.
"Right," said Mihoshi, " uh . . . what are they for again?"
Washu pressed a control on the handle of the new mallet, and an ominous low-pitched sound began to build. The crystals glowed red.
"Well-Sasami-I-think-that's-enough-for-today!" Ayeka said rapidly, and exited the room, blowing Mihoshi's hair in the direction of the door as she zoomed by.
"Be right back." Said Ryoko with a smile, and teleported out.
"A-ye-ka!" Washu thundered. "Come back and take your medicine!" It didn't take a genius to realize there was no chance of that happening, though Washu was one anyway. She came to her feet with a growl and set off in pursuit, accelerating remarkably considering the weight she was carrying.
Ryoko reappeared, holding a large bowl. "Hey, Sasami! Want to see a trick I can do?" Without waiting for an answer, she held out the bowl, showing that it was a quarter full of popcorn kernels with a generous pat of butter on top. She raised her free hand, and a miniature blizzard of red beams went into the bowl. One kernel after the other popped, and in seconds the bowl was full of piping hot popcorn.
"Neat!" Mihoshi clapped her hands. "Can I have some, please?"
The sound of a mallet smashing into a wall echoed from another room.
"Sure, there's plenty." Ryoko answered, and the blonde helped herself to a generous handful.
"That's nice of you, Ryoko," Sasami spoke up, "but shouldn't we be doing something about--"
"Coming through, please!" came Ayeka's voice, and an instant later a violet-haired blur crossed the room and shot up the stairs.
"I admit it's not as good as the delicious popcorn you make, Sasami," said Ryoko, tossing a few pieces into her mouth. "How do you get that flavor?"
"Oh, I hand-pop it in coconut oil," Sasami answered automatically. "It helps keep the early-popping ones from being burned."
"HEEEYYAAAA!" Washu stormed up the stairs, wildly swinging her mallet and accidentally taking out a chunk of the railing on the upper floor.
"And they usually play so well together." Ryoko sighed theatrically.
"Oh no! What if Ayeka gets hurt?" Sasami fretted.
"A week's dishwashing duty says Ayeka gets away." Ryoko offered.
"We shouldn't gamble!" Sasami protested. "And I can't bet against my sister!"
"I'll take the bet!" Mihoshi said. "Washu's smart; she'll outmaneuver Ayeka."
The sound of something sliding open came down from the second-floor hall. "That will be Ayeka going out the window." Ryoko said.
There was a loud smashing sound that made the frame of the house tremble. "And that will be Washu a bit too late." Ryoko added.
A moment later, Ayeka could be seen out of the picture window, going around the house clockwise. She had just disappeared from sight when Washu showed up in hot pursuit, still energetically waving her mallet.
"We'll observe the situation better from the patio, I think." Ryoko advised, going over and opening the sliding door. Not wanting to lose out on her bet, Mihoshi went with her. Ryo-Ohki followed the bowl of popcorn, and Sasami found herself tagging along.
"Auntie Ryoko." The ex-space-pirate mused. "It has a nice sound to it. You know, Sasami, maybe I overreacted. I can't blame Ryo-Ohki for wanting to spend time with you."
Ayeka dashed into view for a second time, and Ryoko made sure everyone was out of her path.
"But even if she likes my carrot dishes, there's still nobody who can fly her through space like you, Ryoko." Sasami said.
Washu showed up again, losing ground to the swift-moving princess. Realizing this, she stopped, went to a corner, and stood guard with mallet raised.
"See, now Washu's got a plan!" Mihoshi cheered.
Ayeka came around again, but spotted the ambush in the nick of time. She went into a hard turn, going onto the dock and almost reaching its end before she could bring herself to a halt. Washu charged after the princess with a shout of triumph, trapping her on the dock. Sasami covered her eyes. Mihoshi leaned forward eagerly. Ryoko watched as calmly as a judge at a skating competition.
Just as Washu began to bring the mallet down, Ayeka sprang and executed a superbly timed forward flip, boosting herself on the genius scientist's head. The mallet impacted on the dock, shattering the planking, and continued down to the water underneath. Washu failed to let go of her invention in time, and went through the large hole she had inadvertently created. A huge spray of water went up like a fountain, illuminated by many white sparks as the mallet shorted out. Sasami dropped her hands and stared as the noise from the combined water and electricity almost, but not quite, drowned out Washu's yells of pain.
Ayeka landed halfway down the dock, glanced back, and wisely headed for the hills. In moments the figure of the princess was lost in a trailing cloud of dust.
"Wow, what a move!" Mihoshi couldn't help but applaud Ayeka's acrobatics. "How did you know Ayeka would get away, Ryoko?"
"She's practiced with the best." Ryoko had her vices, but false modesty wasn't one of them. A singed hand appeared out of the hole in the dock as Washu hauled herself back up. "Hold still a moment, Sasami -- this is for your own good." Ryoko said as she leaned over and covered the girl's ears.
Washu raised herself above the level of the planks, collapsed forward onto the surface, and dredged languages across the galaxy to vent her opinions. She named gods whose last followers had died out millennia before. She mentioned substances that the best sewer systems on Earth could not have handled. She described Ayeka's ancestry in terms that would have had Azusa mustering a firing squad.
As the red-headed scientist paused for breath, Ryoko uncovered Sasami's ears. "There, there, Sasami," Ryoko put on her best consoling expression, "I'm sure Washu didn't mean all Juraian princesses."
"What did you say, Washu?" Sasami's pink eyes seemed to have grown even larger than usual.
Washu sweatdropped. "Uh . . . Oh, my look at the time! I have to feed my Masses!" She came to her feet with remarkable speed and scampered back into the house, disappearing through the door under the stairs.
"I didn't think Masses needed feeding." Sasami ventured.
"They don't." Ryoko confirmed. "But, speaking of feeding . . ." She leaned down to where Mihoshi lay on the patio deck, a shocked expression frozen on her face. The cyan-haired woman held out the popcorn bowl, and waved the scent towards the blonde's nose.
" . . . more, please." Mihoshi's hand seemed to extend towards the bowl on its own, and in a few moments she was happily eating again.
"Mya, mya." Ryo-Ohki also grabbed a handful, and held some out to Sasami. The blue-haired girl accepted a few kernels, and munched thoughtfully.
"But what if it's never safe for my sister to come back?" She pointed out.
"Don't worry, kid." Ryoko said, a smile spreading across her face. "Nobody can stay mad forever in this house." She glanced at the last fading wisps of the dust cloud from Ayeka's getaway. "For a while, maybe. But not forever."
T h e E n d