What If…
By AnimeDutchess
Chapter 1: Why's Everything Blue?
A/N: Whoa, I can't believe I'm writing this…anyway, hi, I'm AnimeDutchess, and this is my first FMA fanfic. I'm writing this while I think of ideas for my Kingdom Hearts fanfic, which is a more serious story but still pretty good, or so people have told me. Anyway, this is where I get my randomness out! Enjoy!
…Actually, I'm really procrastinating…I have major writer's block and procrastinating is the only way I deal with it, so if you read my KH fic, don't expect an update anytime soon…unfortunately…
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Summary Dude: A parody of Futurama's What If Machine! Winry is given the parts and instructions to make an amazing machine that will answer everyone's questions! Unfortunately, once she's finished with the machine, every major character in FMA (a.k.a. the main ones that populate most fics like these) appears and is trapped in her house with a deranged fangirl/fanfic authoress, A.K.A. the person who gave Winry the machine stuff, A.K.A. me! What's a blonde mechanic to do? Make everyone ask the machine stupid questions, that's what!
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Disclaimer Dude: AnimeDutchess owns nothing but herself, this story, me, the Narrator, the Random Questions Dude, the Next Chapter Dude, the Summary Dude, the Warning Dude, the What If questions she comes up with, the bizarre situations, and Ed's pocket watch! holds up pocket watch
Ed: snatches pocket watch I'll be taking that back now, thanks. walks away
Disclaimer Dude: sigh Well, better luck next time.
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Warning Dude: This fic contains extreme randomness, chibi alchemists, parodies, miniskirts, pink sparkles, irresponsible use of alchemy, Automail, wrenches, excessive use of the word 'suspicious', and feigned accents. Side effects may include laughing your ass off, giving the authoress a weird look, milk coming out of your nose, and the Disclaimer Dude stealing your stuff. We recommend taking a thirty-second break after each fit of laughter.
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It was a beautiful day in Risembool's marketplace. Everyone was happy buying things and selling things. On this particular day, Winry Rockbell, the blonde teenage girl with an amazing talent for constructing Automail, was walking around looking at the items for sale.
"Wow, thanks for the compliments!" Winry said, reading the above text. Just then, a huge earthquake shook the town, but Winry was the only one who noticed.
"Gah! You broke the fourth wall!" Shouted the pissed Narrator, who is really a disembodied voice that is actually a random person shouting from the top of a building, "Now we have to pay people to fix it! Do you know how many times that thing is broken? And how many bakas like you break it? GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, WHY'D I EVER AGREE TO THIS?"
Winry just rolled her eyes and continued along, the Narrator now calmly doing his job…because I pay him…earthquake "GAH!" Oops. Anyway, moving on…
Winry was just walking around minding her own business when she spotted a suspicious looking street booth with suspicious looking items being sold by a suspicious looking person wearing a long, hooded cloak that hid any and all features, except that this person was most likely female, judging by how she wore the cloak. (Wow, that was a long sentence!)
"What a suspicious looking person," Winry said aloud in spite of herself. Still, the things the suspicious woman was suspiciously selling looked not only suspicious, but interesting as well…Winry just couldn't resist going over and browsing the items, at least.
"Ah, 'Ello, 'Ello, missy," The person said in a good (yet obviously feigned-that made her doubly suspicious) British accent, "I take it tha' you wan' a look?"
"Uh, sure," Winry said, giving the person a strange look. "You know, with the cloak and all, you look pretty suuuuuuu-SPIIIIIIIII-ciouuuuus."
"Oh, please, don't quote Foster's," The woman said, rubbing her head, "I STILL 'ave a 'eadache from the LAST time my brother quoted it."
"Eh…sorry, then," Winry said, feeling a bit weirded out. She then looked at all the suspicious items the suspicious woman was suspiciously selling (okay, I'll stop…for now…heh heh heh…). There were a bunch of boxes with things in them, advertisements for them including:
Llama Shaver Deluxe: Shave your llamas in half the time it used to take!
Micro Casino: A miniature casino in a box! Micro Bar sold seperately.
Angel Costume: Perfect for toddlers wanting to piss off their older sisters and not take the blame for it!
The Coffee IV: Stay awake on school nights to watch anime by putting caffeine directly into the bloodstream! Contains Five Hours, Around-The-Clock, and All Week strength-types.
However, Winry passed over those items without a second thought. As she was about to leave, one box that looked pretty much like all the others caught her eye:
Magical What If Machine!
Same as the one used on Futurama! Except with a bigger screen and surround sound!
Get together with your friends and ask it questions like:
What if I went to the prom with Bobby?
What if the world was at peace?
What if our world was actually an anime that insomniac otaku watch?
Assembly required. Detailed instructions on how (almost) everything works included.
Caution: May trap you inside your house for any duration of time, crossover your universe with other universes, make main characters fall from your ceiling, and meet deranged fanfic authoresses/authors.
Winry squealed when she read the part about 'assembly required', and read no further. She grabbed the box and showed it to the woman.
"Can you PLEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEE tell me how much this is?" Winry spazzed, hopping up and down in excitement. The woman looked at the box.
"Ah, The Wha' If Machine? Tha's a popular one, I daresay. Tha's m' last one. Normally, I'd charge 100 dollars (I don't remember their currency, so I'll call it dollars) for it, butcha so nice an' all…'ow about… Ten dollars, then? Izza' good with ya, missy?"
"GOOD? IT'S GREAT! OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Winry exclaimed, quickly giving the woman ten dollars and running off with her new toy. The woman 'heh'ed in a low voice, the feigned accent dropped.
"This'll be great…" She said, grinning mischievously. Another person then came by to examine her wares, and the woman immediately went back to her fake accent.
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"Almost there…just one more screw aaaaaaaaaaand…" Winry screwed in the last screw with her wrench. "YAY, IT'S DONE!"
You see, after getting the What If Machine, Winry spent three days and three nights building it. It was a 50 inch plasma screen with the part you ask questions into attached. It was mounted on the living room wall. Also, something strange had happened when Winry got home. It seemed that her house had two more stories and a basement added on to it, along with strange things that had notes attached that said that the strange things were 'outlets' that you 'plug electrical items into'. As Winry danced in celebration, Grandma Pinako came down from upstairs.
"So, you finally finished that thing?" Pinako asked. Winry stopped dancing and turned to face her grandma.
"Yeah, took me forever! Still, that was easier than putting Automail together! It was also mad fun!"
"So," Pinako said, walking towards the odd machine, "You just turn it on and ask it a question that starts with 'What If', and it shows you on the screen?"
"Yeah, that's what the directions said," Winry answered. She then picked up the 'cord' that she had to 'plug in' to the 'outlet'. She managed to fit it in after a couple mistakes. Suddenly, a red button with 'START' in white letters appeared on the bottom center of the screen's frame.
"Hey Grandma, can you push that button for me? It starts the machine," Winry said, staring at the outlet and trying to figure out how it works by looking at it. Pinako shrugged.
"Sure, okay." Pinako pushed the button. Suddenly, everything was tinted blue. Winry and Pinako stared at it.
"Uhh, did someone break the color or something?" earthquake Winry asked, looking around.
"I'm not sure," Pinako said, keeping calm, "Read the directions, Winry, there has to be something in them about tinting things different colors."
"Right, Grandma!" Winry picked up the directions and went to the 'problems' section:
If you have experienced strange things happening after you have purchased the What If Machine, like your house getting bigger, the appearance of outlets with notes on them, and/or everything tinting blue after you press the start button, you're screwed! You should've read the cautions! Heh heh, sucks for you!
"Well, this sucks!" Winry exclaimed, "Where are the cautions?" She then turned to the 'cautions' section:
You're experiencing the problems, right? You didn't read the cautions before you bought this? They were on the friggen box label in CAPITALLIZED, ITALIC, BOLD, AND UNDERLINED WORDS LIKE THIS! Too bad that was the only place we printed the cautions, huh? Sucks for you! Heh heh!
Winry threw the book out the window, which I decided is now open. "Dammit! Grandma, did I throw the box out?"
"First of all, don't use anymore of that language in this house, young lady," Pinako stated, "And second, yeah, you threw out the box after tearing it up into tiny, microscopic pieces, and even if we found them all, we probably wouldn't be able to put them all together again, and I doubt any alchemist could."
"Wait, alchemy! That's it! I did save all the pieces, now that I remember! We'll just call Ed to come over and fix the box!" Winry ran to the telephone and started to dial Ed's number.
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Meanwhile…
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Ed sighed as he tossed another useless book out the window. Al looked at his older brother, and sighed as well. They had been sitting in their room for two days and two nights now, trying to find more books about the Philosopher's Stone. From their open window, they could hear Sheska (that's how her name's spelled, right? It's spelled that way in the manga…) lecturing them from below about how they shouldn't be so careless with books.
"Geez, Al," Ed said, grabbing another book, "You'd think we'd find even one book that at least mentions the Philosopher's Stone, or some way to make it without sacrificing humans, but NOOOOOOOOO, we can't find jack, can we?"
"Nope, Nii-san," Al said, also grabbing another book, "I disagree. We had that very interesting book about girls and boys, and I showed it to you, and you screamed bloody murder and threw it out the window."
"Well, how else was I supposed to keep you from losing your naïve-ness? That was a sexual reproduction book," Ed muttered under his breath as he remembered stumbling on the exact same book one day. He'd be scared of losing his virginity after he read that book, but it had also given him much more respect for women…not that he never had any, mind you, but he had craploads more now. Anyway, Al didn't hear his brother's comment, and they went back to flipping through pages. Suddenly, Roy, Riza, Black Hayate, and Armstrong burst into the room.
"Whoa! WTF, can we have some flipping privacy?" Ed shouted.
"No FullMetal, you can't because you're so short," Roy said, keeping calm as he waited for the storm (get it? Calm? Storm? Oh, never mind…).
"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL THAT MICROSCOPIC ORGANISMS EAT THINGS LIKE HIM FOR BREAKFAST?" Ed exploded, throwing books at Roy. Roy snapped his fingers at the books and reduced them to ashes in two seconds while, amazingly, not torching everyone else (okay, he wanted to torch Ed, but he isn't THAT mean). Then suddenly, two seconds later, when she sensed that her precious books had gone up in flames, Sheska barged into Ed's room.
"Whoa! How'd you get here so fast, Sheska? And haven't you people ever heard of knocking?" Ed asked, looking confused.
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH…OF EVERYONE TREATING BOOKS LIKE DIRT!" Sheska yelled, whipping out a metal baseball bat from somewhere. Everyone screamed. Ed, Al, Roy, Riza, and Hayate dove under Ed's bed (heh, that rhymes!) for protection. Armstrong, however, stayed standing.
Don't worry, guys, I'll calm her!" Armstrong yelled. He then ripped off his shirt and many pink sparkles appeared. "…With my special brand of calming that the Armstrong family has used for generations!" Everyone except Sheska and Armstrong groaned in annoyance. Just then Breda, Havoc, and Fury entered the room.
"We just wanted to see what the yelling was…" Havoc started, but then he and the others saw the metal bat, the pink sparkles, and their commander hiding under the bed. They stared for a moment, then…
"EVERYONE UNDER THE BED!" Fury yelled, dragging Breda and Havoc with him. He stuffed them under the bed and dove in after them. It was clearly nothing short of a miracle that all those people were able to fit under Ed's bed. Heck, it was even amazing that Al could fit under the bed. Anyway, Breda felt something next to him push against him. He put a hand on it; it was…Black Hayate!
"Hiya, Hayate, you good doggie…" Breda said, petting Hayate. His words then sunk in.
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!" He screamed, shooting out from under the bed. He jumped on top of Ed's dresser and started screaming in fear. Riza the came out from under the bed and fired three warning shots into the ceiling (In unrelated news, the Narrator ended up sporting a couple bullet wounds, but that's not important right now), which shut everyone up.
"Alright, that's enough," Riza said, "We should all just calm down and go home. It's been a long couple days because we've all been stuck here doing our jobs and stuff, and I know that I'm probably the sanest person in this room and calming down is hard for you guys, but seriously, CHILL." Everyone calmly nodded, and were about to listen to Riza Hawkeye's advice, when suddenly Scar barged into the room! Everyone gasped except Ed, who calmly walked up to Scar.
"Listen, Scar, I know you're probably here to murder all of us in the name of Ishbala, but would it kill you to knock?" Ed asked, obviously holding back his rage because no one would simply knock on his door.
"Uh, no," Scar said, "Actually, I just came in here to see if this place has tinted blue like outside yet."
"Huh?" Everyone else said. Al looked out the window and gasped.
"He's right! Everything IS tinted blue!" Al exclaimed. Just then, the whole room tinted blue as well. Everyone stared at it.
"Uh, okay, this falls under the jurisdiction of 'WTFH', A.K.A What The Flipping Hell," Ed stated. Then there was a flash of light and everyone disappeared. And then the phone rang, the person on the other line being Winry (and you knew that, but I wanted to reiterate it.).
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Meanwhile…
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Envy slumped in his chair at the dinner table, the other Homunculi sitting at the table with him (yeah, this includes Greed. He decided join up with them again. And if you're wondering: Dante has been tied up and locked in a closet because she told them to do it to her. Go figure. And why are they all sitting at the dinner table? It was their tea time). He was the only one bored.
"I'm boooooooooooooooored," He said.
"You could chew on the table with me," Gluttony said while gnawing on said table.
"I don't feel like getting splinters in my mouth," Envy retorted.
"You can help me paint my nails," Lust said, dipping her long nails into a bucket of red nail polish (It was really blood, but nobody else knew that…).
"And risk getting that red stuff on me? No thanks."
"You could play outside with me," Wrath said, bouncing a blue ball on the table.
"I don't even like you." Wrath pouted, upset, but didn't launch out a retort.
"You can have tea with me," Sloth offered, motioning to the teapot.
"I REALLY don't like you, and our tea tastes like crap, no matter what you put in it."
"You can play chess with me," Pride said, pointing to the chess board in front of him.
"Why would I do something that would make me even MORE bored?"
"You and me could go kill a few people, bring their corpses back here, have sex with them, and them mutilate them," Greed said. Everyone else stared at him like he had some sort of disease.
"One, that's a little too nasty, even for me," Envy responded, "Two, you creep me out, so…no."
"Well then, what're you going to do?" Lust asked, touching up her nails with a little brush. Envy shrugged and rose from his seat.
"I dunno, get a book, throw daggers at a picture of the chibi, something like that," He said. Just then, the whole room tinted blue.
"…What the flip?" Envy asked. Everyone else shrugged; they didn't know what happened. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and everyone disappeared. The blue tint disappeared. Then the closet door fell down, and Dante scrambled out of it.
"Ta-Da! The great Dante-Dini has escaped The Closet of DOOM!" She shouted. She then looked around for her beloved Homunculi.
"Uh, where'd everybody go?" She asked stupidly.
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Meanwhile…
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"…And this one is from our wedding reception; we dunked Roy in the punch bowl! Man, God, you should've heard all the stuff he said afterwards, it was one of those 'You-Had-To-Be-There' moments!" Hughes, since dying, had been showing God craploads of pictures from his life. God sighed in annoyance.
"Maes, you've shown me that picture twelve times: this one which is the original, the four you digitally enhanced, the three in black-and-white, and the four where you put the picture on Paint and made every guy have curly mustaches!"
"I know, but like you said, this one's the original! It's the best out of all of them!" Hughes then grinned really wide. Suddenly (yeah, how anti-climactic, I know), Heaven was tinted blue.
"Well, I'll be seeing you later, Hughes," God said, knowing what happens when things tint blue. Hughes gave God a look of confusion.
"What do you mean?" Hughes asked innocently. He then disappeared in a flash of light. God looked around to make sure Hughes was gone, and then motioned for people to come in. Suddenly, Heaven turned into a hip and happening dance club!
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Meanwhile… (This is the last one, I promise!)
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AnimeDutchess sighed as she put her History homework away. It had been a long day, what with school and homework and friends, and traveling between dimensions a couple days ago had exhausted her.
"Finally, I'm done!" She said. She then grabbed her cloak that she had worn when she had been posing as the British salesperson and put it on. "Gee, I wonder if Winry finished the What If Machine yet?" She was about to travel dimensions when suddenly, her whole bedroom tinted blue. She sighed in annoyance.
"I guess she did, and what bad timing, too. Dammit, I have a Chemistry test tomorrow!" She said before disappearing in a flash of light. The blue tint then disappeared, and her youngest brother then peeked into her room.
"Sis? Sis, you there?" He asked cutely (he's only three). He looked around, but he didn't see his sister. All he saw was her scary fake spider, Dilbert.
"Ah! Dilbert, no! You scary! I hate you!" He shouted, running out of the room.
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A/N: Heh heh, I loved writing that! Humor is my strong suit! Anyway, did you like it? I really hoped you did! Half the time I laughed my ass off because I couldn't believe what I made the characters do!
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Random Questions Dude: Where has everyone gone? What has driven half the cast to act like idiots in the first chapter? Why won't anyone knock on Ed's door before entering? Will Envy stop being bored? And most importantly: Is the authoress a psycho, scaring her baby brother with a fake spider? gets whacked by authoress Owie!
AnimeDutchess: I am NOT a psycho! You'd do that too if your brother tore your room apart whenever he went in there, WHICH IS EVERYDAY!
Random Questions Dude: Okay, okay, sheesh. Anyway, tune in next chapter for the answer to (possibly) some of these questions!
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Next Chapter Dude: Everyone meets in Winry's house, and they blame the authoress for their misfortune! The fourth wall keeps breaking, the Narrator keeps getting bashed, the Disclaimer Dude keeps stealing things, and everyone decides to have fun with the What If Machine as long as they can have Pocky! It's wild, crazy, and filled with yummy Pocky humor! So stay tuned and review, folks! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it!