What If…
By AnimeDutchess
Chapter 2: Sure, Gang Up On The Authoress!
A/N: W00T! This is super awesome; chapter 2! And I love everyone that reviewed, but due to that…rule…angry anime vein appears on head (heh, yeah, it irks me), gives a forced smile, eyebrow twitching please expect a review reply soon!
So, you ready for insanity? If you're not, sucks for you!
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Summary Dude: A parody of Futurama's What If Machine! Winry is given the parts and instructions to make an amazing machine that will answer everyone's questions! Unfortunately, once she's finished with the machine, every major character in FMA (a.k.a. the main ones that populate most fics like these) appears and is trapped in her house with a deranged fangirl/fanfic authoress, A.K.A. the person who gave Winry the machine stuff, A.K.A. me! What's a blonde mechanic to do? Make everyone ask the machine stupid questions, that's what!
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Disclaimer Dude: AnimeDutchess owns nothing but herself, this story idea, us dudes that work for her, the Narrator who also works for her, and Winry's wrench! holds up wrench
Winry: snatches wrench and hits Disclaimer Dude with it You try that again and you'll get worse, ya kleptomaniac! walks away
Disclaimer Dude: rubs head Owie…okay, she doesn't own that…
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Warning Dude: This fic contains insanity, random quotes, Pocky, spoilers, OOC characters, random guest star appearances, parodies, pictures of Elycia, the Closet of DOOM, Narrator bashing, drug references, and small traces of mental instability. Side affects may include hyperactive giggling, hyperactive hopping, flaming the authoress for her stupid-ness, and being screeched at by the Narrator. We advise not drinking liquids during the duration of this fanfiction.
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Winry slammed the phone down back on the receiver when no one picked up after 1,279 rings. Her house is STILL tinted blue.
"I can't believe it! No one picked up! And why'd I stay on the phone so long?" She rambled, obviously pissed. Pinako sighed and patted her granddaughter's shoulder.
"Don't worry; I'm sure Ed has a perfectly good reason for not picking up the phone. Maybe he was engulfed in a flash of light and he'll be dropping down from our ceiling soon." Just then, Ed dropped down from the ceiling. "See, what'd I tell you?"
"ED!" Winry yelped, running to the chibi's side. "Ed, are you alright? ED!" The blonde boy groaned and looked up at Winry.
"Winry? Wh…what are you doing in my room?" Ed mumbled out.
"We're not in your room, Ed, we're at my house! How'd you get here? I was just calling you!" Ed blinked, as though to unclutter his mind.
"Well…Al and I were reading… Sheska was yelling at us…then that baka taisa and his friends burst in…I swear, no one knocks…and then Scar came in…and he said everything was blue outside…kinda like how it is in here…and then there was this…light…and now I'm here…"
"Wow, you were right on the target, Grandma," Winry commented to Pinako, who simply nodded. "Wait…where's everyone else?" Ed blinked, confused.
"I…really don't know…" Ed said, slowly sounding less and less high. There was then a loud crash as Al fell into the room.
"Ow…" Al said as he rubbed his head (even though I don't know how a suit of armor would feel pain…ah well!). He then looked around. "Whoa, how'd I get here?"
"You just fell from the ceiling!" Winry exclaimed, pointing to the ceiling. "First Edward, now you? Geez, how many people are gonna fall from my ceiling today?"
"Wait…Al, you fell from the ceiling, right?" Ed asked, the wheels turning in that cute little chibi head of his. Al nodded, kinda feeling that Ed's question was unnecessary and just a dramatic plot enhancer. Ed scratched his head, and he was thinking hard for a few seconds until realization smacked him in the face.
"Al! Who else was in the room with us?" Ed asked urgently.
"Uh…well, there was Sheska …Roy, Riza, Hayate…Armstrong…Havoc, Fury, Breda…oh, and Scar! Why?" Ed's eyes just got really wide.
"Guys, we'd better move," Ed stated, quickly pulling Al, Winry, and Pinako over to the side (dang, he's strong for a chibi, isn't he?).
"Why should we be moving?" Winry asked.
"Think about it. Al and I fell from your ceiling after we saw that crazy light. Those others probably saw the same light, too. What do you think will happen?" The others thought about it while Ed pushed them over to the side, and then looks of fear appeared on their faces.
Everyone was going to fall through the ceiling.
No sooner had they moved over to the side, Roy, Riza, Armstrong, and Hayate fell throught the ceiling in a pile (in this order from the floor up: Armstrong, Roy, Riza, Hayate). Armstrong amazingly had his shirt on again (do I hear a WTF?). They all groaned as they slid off each other.
"Oh my gosh! Are you guys alright?" Winry exclaimed, running over to them.
"Yeah, just don't take Mr. Fire-Pants, mommy…" Roy said, dazed. Winry just rolled her eyes at Roy's lapse in sanity as she helped everyone up.
"Geez, why did we fall from the ceiling?" Riza asked, rubbing her head. She then spotted Ed and Al. "Oh, you guys are okay!"
"Yeah, but you might want to move, or everyone else will fall on top of you," Ed said, pulling Riza towards the side. She dragged Roy to the side with her as Armstrong pranced over to the side (yea, pranced. Deal with it!). Then Sheska fell into the room on her bottom.
"Owies…" She said, rubbing her sore bottom. She then glanced around the room and saw the others. "Oh, hey everybody!" She said, completely forgetting that she was mad at everyone for what they had done to her precious books (or for just being around said disrespecters of books). Then she squealed when she saw Winry.
"Winry, what's up?" Sheska asked, rushing over to Winry.
"Nothing really, just people falling from the ceiling," Winry responded, totally lost in girl talk. Then Riza and Pinako joined in, and the quartet of girls blathered on about girly-things. All the guys just gave them a weird look.
"Its times like this that I fear women," Roy said.
"Girls are weird…" Ed and Al said at the same time.
"…I don't get it…"Armstrong said, not understanding why the others were saying stuff about girls.
"Woof!" Black Hayate barked. Then Den, Winry's dog, came into the room. Den and Hayate saw each other, fell in love, and ran into some random closet (but WAS it a random closet?) to make plans to elope in Vegas. Yaoi dog love!
…Anyway, the guys just stared at the girls until Breda, Havoc, and Fury fell into the room. Then everyone stared at Breda, Havoc, and Fury.
"Whoa, that was insane!" Fury commented, getting up, "I mean, it hurt, too, but wow!"
"Okay, no one knows where you're going with this Fury, so calm down," Havoc said, taking out a cigarette and his trusty lighter.
"Uh, Havoc…" Breda said, trying to warn Havoc of the impending doom…
"DON'T YOU DARE LIGHT THAT THING, JEAN HAVOC!" BAM BAM BAM
…Of Riza Hawkeye screeching at him and shooting her gun with such amazing aim that she managed to shoot the cigarette. Havoc shivered in fear and slowly inched away until he was behind a chair, and then he hid behind the chair like a scared little child. Yup, Riza has that much power over men when she shoots her gun. She smirked triumphantly as she slid her gun back into its holster. Everyone else (besides Havoc; he was still scared shitless) looked at Riza like she was crazy, but she didn't seem to mind. Then Scar fell into the room, and everyone screamed bloody murder and hid behind furniture.
"I'm NOT here to kill you," He said, slightly pissed as he got up, "Honestly, just because I'm a serial killer, you people always think I've come for your lives. Have you ever wondered if I just dropped by to say hi and stuff?"
"NO," Everyone else (yeah, Havoc's all better now) said, still behind the furniture.
"Well, we were all brought to this place for a reason. It must be the Will of God that we be here, and I have a feeling that we shouldn't be killing each other right now, so I say let's call a temporary truce," Scar explained. Ed peeked out from his hiding place.
"A truce, you say?" Ed asked. Scar nodded.
"All right! Sure, what the heck?" Ed exclaimed, jumping out from his hiding place. He ran towards Scar and shook his hand.
"Ed, don't! It's a trap!" Everyone else screamed. But it was, amazingly, not a trap.
"It's NOT a trap," Scar said, slightly pissed. Seeing as how Ed wasn't in danger and Scar kept saying it wasn't a trap, the others reluctantly came out from behind the furniture. And then…Envy fell from the ceiling right on top of Edward. Everyone else immediately ran towards the wall (even Scar) because that FREAKED everybody out. Ed groaned.
"Man, it feels like a cross-dressing, anorexic palm tree fell on top of me," Ed complained. Envy, who was perfectly fine, heard Ed's comment (well, it was obvious he would, I mean, like, he's sitting on top of Ed, and Ed's laying on his back) and leaned over so their faces were just a centimeter apart to face the blonde chibi.
"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A CROSS-DRESSING PALM TREE WITH AN EATING DISORDER, HAGANE NO O'CHIBI-SAN?" Envy screeched, freaking Edward out but nonetheless igniting his short fuse of a temper.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO SEE HIM WITH TWELVE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MICROSCOPES COMBINED?" Ed retorted, getting EXTREMELY mad.
"YOU, DUMBASS!"
"DON'T CALL ME A DUMBASS, YOU PHSYCOPATH!
"MIDGET!"
"HE-SHE!"
"DAD'S FAVORITE!"
"Huh?" Ed said.
"Nothing. Forget it." Envy said, not wanting to delve deeper into the spoiler. "Anyway," he got up off of Edward, "Why the hell am I here with you losers?"
"Because the Almighty light brought us here!" Armstrong randomly exclaimed. Everyone just stared at Armstrong for a minute.
"…O-kay…" Envy said, clearly confused, "Well, I saw a light before I fell on o'chibi-san over here (Ed had steam coming out of his ears at this point), so I guess it's just like how you nerds got here."
"One, stop insulting us," Roy said, also getting slightly ticked, "Two, can you please tell us who was in the room with you when you saw the light? 'Cause they'll be falling from the ceiling, too." Envy 'Hmm'ed, scratching his head.
"Weeeeeeeeeeeell…It was just me and…uh, five of the other Homunculi…yeah, and, uh…we, uh…captured the Fuhrer! Yeah, that's it…" Envy grinned to himself, happy that he kept the true identity of Pride a secret. Everyone just stared at him.
"Ah, okay, well, let's all move to the side, then" Al said, "We don't want to get squashed like Ni-san did." Everyone else nodded and went to the side…just as Wrath fell from the ceiling on his bottom. He stared into space for a minute before bursting into tears.
"Owwwwwwww! I hurt my bottom!" The chibi Homunculus said, getting up and rubbing his said bottom. He then spotted Envy. "Envy! Make the boo-boo go away!" He then latched onto Envy's leg.
"Yeah, Envy," Ed teased, "Make the boo-boo go away!" Then he and the rest of the cast there laughed hysterically.
"STOP LAUGHING!" Envy shouted. He then turned to Wrath, who was latched to his leg. "AND GET OFF ME, DAMN YOU!" Wrath let go of Envy, sniffed, and his eyes got really big and watery…and he started to cry very loudly, the tears erupting from his eyes like fountains.
"Ooo…that wasn't very nice, Envy," The rest of the cast there said, shaking their heads in shame.
"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FCK!" Envy screamed, clearly ticked. Then, Lust fell into the room, Gluttony following soon after. They both narrowly missed Envy.
"HOLY SHIT!" Everyone exclaimed, forgetting the strange argument and pressing themselves against the wall. Lust got up and dusted herself off. She then noticed that everyone in the room was looking at her. She sweat-dropped.
"Uhh…hi, everybody…" She said, a little weirded out. Then Scar stepped forward and pointed at Lust.
"YOOOOOOOU!" he exclaimed, pissed off.
"Uh, yeah, me," Lust said, slightly weirded out, "What about me?"
"YOOOOOOOU!"
"Uhhh…"
"YOOOOOOOU!"
"OKAY, WE GET IT!" Winry exclaimed because she couldn't take the madness anymore, even though there was much, much more to come, "I BEG OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Everyone just stared at Winry. Then everyone heard the sound of bending metal, and they turned around to see Gluttony eating Winry's favorite wrench. Winry went ballistic.
"GET THE FCK OFF OF MY WRENCH YOU FCKING FATASS!" she shrieked, ripping her half-eaten wrench from his mouth and tossing it out the open window (in other news, the Narrator was hospitalized for having a wrench lodged in his brain. No one knows how it got there…heh heh heh…). She then grabbed Gluttony by the scruff of his neck and amazingly, with her amazing strength that was fueled by immense rage, dragged him over to her random closet. She swung open the door…and saw Den and Hayate in front of a priest-dog in a Las Vegas chapel.
"Okay," the priest-dog said. "Anyone with an objection to these two male dogs tying the knot better speak now or you'll be regretting it for the rest of your pathetic life." He then spotted Winry. "Oh, so you're the absent maid of honor?" The priest-dog asked. Winry just gave the dogs a blank stare before throwing Gluttony into the chapel and slamming the door.
"Okay," She said, feeling like she'd go to an insane asylum any day now, "Can anyone explain that?" Suddenly, Sloth and Pride (who's really the Fuhrer, but we'll just call him Pride), who had just fallen into the room, whistled innocently. Winry turned to them, an insane smile spreading across her face.
"You two know what's going on, don't you?" She asked in a voice that would rival Envy's in creepiness.
"Yeah, actually, that's the Closet of DOOM," Sloth said in a matter-of-fact voice, "We don't know how it came into existence, but it's really fun."
"Yeah, we…I mean, they think it was from a failed closet transmutation," Pride said, covering up his small slip-up. Winry was about to explode from the insanity when…Greed dropped into the room! Everyone looked at Greed while he got up and looked at everyone looking at him. He grinned evilly.
"Awesome! Attention for ME!" He said, glad that he now had something. Then, just as Greed was enjoying all this attention…Hughes fell into the room! Everybody in the military who knew that Hughes had died immediately went crazy with happiness.
"OH MI GOSH IT'S HUGHES!" They shouted
"HOLY CRAP IT'S YOU GUYS!" Hughes said, extremely happy.
"OH MI GOSH IT'S HUGHES!"
"HOLY CRAP, IT'S YOU GUYS!"
This continued for a couple minutes until Ed just couldn't take it anymore. "WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALL MORE EXCITED THAN NORMAL AND STUFF?" He started panting because of all the yelling he did. Everyone stared at him.
"…Ed, don't you know?" Sheska asked.
"Know what?"
"Well…Hughes is…supposed to be…dead…" Ed raised an eyebrow, and then went over to Hughes and started poking him.
"I don't get it," Ed said, poking Hughes, "How can you be dead, Hughes? You feel alive to me…"
"Well, I was dead," Hughes explained, "I was chilling with God, you know, showing him all these pictures I have, and then Heaven turns blue and I fall down here and see you guys."
"That's impossible! There is no God!" Ed exclaimed.
"Yes there is," Hughes said, "And he's really sorry for what happened to you and Al." Then Greed pouted, since everyone was ignoring him, since Hughes deserved all the attention…
"HEY, I WANT MY ATTENTION BACK! HELLO, CRAZY PSYCHO OVER HERE!" Greed shouted, trying to get some attention.
"Yeah, yeah, that's nice," Ed said, still trying to figure all this out. Greed growled angrily, and then thought of something that would get everyone's attention.
"You know, Envy killed Hughes," Greed said casually. Everyone that was not a Homunculus went rigidly still and slowly turned around to face Envy, psychotic looks on their faces. The said Homunculus sweat-dropped.
"Eheh…" He said nervously. Then, just as they were about to pounce on Envy and tear him limb from limb, a strange cloaked figure fell from the ceiling and almost squashed Envy. Everyone went silent as they stared at the strange visitor; they'd never seen this person anywhere in the series, and they were most defiantly not in any upcoming episodes or the movie, either. They watched them get up as the whole world slowly turned back to its original colors.
As they stood up, everyone got a better look at them. They wore a long, hooded, black cloak that hid any and all features, except their body shape, which was that of a young woman. She was fairly tall, and the tips of her boots poked out from under her cloak. She groaned and rubbed her head.
"Ouch…" she groaned. She then looked around at everyone staring at her, and gasped, shaking.
"Holy…oh my…I-I'm gonna fait…" She said, a hint of disbelief in her voice. Then Winry's eyes widened.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?" She asked. The girl froze and turned slowly to Winry, shaking nervously.
"Uhm…well, maybe…" The girl said. Then Winry gasped.
"Hey, you're that girl who sold me that damned What If machine in the first place! I knew that accent was phony! Who the heck are you, and was that some kind of sick joke?" The girl winced as Winry yelled, and then hung her head.
"I'm really sorry," She said sincerely, "I just honestly didn't expect that I'd be dragged into this, too." Everyone just stared at her. "I mean, I thought that it'd be pretty funny, you know, to watch you guys go bonkers…I didn't expect to be pulled in as well…"
"Wait, you mean you knew this would happen?" Riza asked, inconspicuously reaching for her gun. The girl nodded, her head still down.
"And what do you mean by watching us?" Roy asked, ready to burn the girl to ashes. The girl's head shot up and she started to tremble. Everyone raised an eyebrow at her behavior. She then covered her mouth with one hand and started to giggle uncontrollably. Everyone sweat-dropped and looked at Roy.
"What? What'd I say?" He asked, which only made the girl giggle more until she just couldn't hold her fangirl side back. She made a high-pitched squeal noise.
"HOLY CRAP, ROY TALKED TO ME! HOLY CRAP!" She said rather loudly. Everyone gave her a weird look; how'd she know Roy's name?
"Hey, how do you know baka taisa's name? We never told you!" Ed stated, slightly confused and pissed. The girl immediately went silent and turned to Ed. She then squealed again and started jumping up and down.
"OH MY GOSH, ED TALKED TO ME! OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!" She yelled, further damaging everyone's eardrums. Envy, completely pissed, morphed his arm into a blade and grabbed the girl, bringing the blade close to her throat. She stopped screaming immediately.
"Listen," He whispered, "If you don't stop screaming, I will seriously slit your throat. No kidding whatsoever." The girl was silent, and then…
"ENVY THREATENED ME! THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" She screeched. This caused Envy to drop her promptly, change his arm back, and cover his ears as she screamed like crazy. After a few minutes, the screaming lessened. Everyone lowered their hands from their ears. She gasped for air and stood up, her breath leaving her body in laughs.
"I…hah…I'm sorry…hah hah…it's just…ahah…I'm a…hah...huge fan of…ahah…you guys…" She then proceeded to breathe deeply to compose herself. Everyone gave her a weird look.
"A fan? We have a fan?" Sloth asked, having a slightly sluggish brain (forgive the pun, please!). The girl nodded, still breathing deeply.
"I…huh…I forgot you guys…huh…didn't know…" She said, "You guys…huh…are on a…huh…TV show…huh…where I live…huh…and you aren't…huh…real in my world…huh…except for the fact…huh…that you're fictional…" Everyone looked amazed. They were fictional in some other world? It was almost too strange to believe. Then the amazement left them, and they all shrugged.
"Eh, sure, whatever," They said. The girl sweat-dropped.
"You mean…you guys aren't freaked out?" She asked, confused. Everyone shook their head no.
"Weirder things have happened to us," Al said, "And we really don't understand half of what you just said, so it's cool." The girl sighed in relief.
"Ah, so you're not mad. Good," She said. Everyone gave her a WTF look.
"MAD? OF COURSE WE'RE FCKING MAD!" Ed ranted, "WOULDN'T YOU BE MAD IF YOU FELL FROM SOMEONE'S CEILING FOR NO APPARENT REASON?" Everyone else shouted "YEAH!" in agreement. The girl sighed.
"One: yeah, I'd be mad if someone other than myself brought that on me," She started "Two: I just fell from the ceiling for no apparent reason. And three: You guys have a reason." Everyone stopped being mad and started being curious.
"So then…what's our reason for being here?" Scar asked. Everyone stared at him, then stared at the girl.
"Oh, the reason?" She asked, "Well, it's quite simple. Y'see, the What If machine I made summons a whole lot of people to it and traps them in the building it's in until all the people brought here from this world ask the machine a question starting with 'What if'. It'll display the answer on the screen and everyone watches. Once everyone takes a turn, the world will turn blue again and you'll all go back to the place you were before you fell through Winry's ceiling. Got it?" Everyone nodded yes, their faces blank. The girl squealed in delight.
"Yay! Now let's have fun!" She shouted, and flung off her cloak. Everyone gasped at the girl's appearance.
She had long brown hair, blue eyes, glasses, pale skin, and was wearing a red hoodie with 'FullMetal Alchemist' and a couple alchemy arrays on it, black jeans, and black boots. She looked to be about 15. She smiled wide, showing off her braces.
"Fun time! Fun time!" She shouted, jumping up and down in excitement. Everyone was too shocked to speak until…
"Hey, wait a minute!" Greed said, "You're just a kid! Why should we listen to you?" The girl snapped out of her glee and turned to Greed.
"Why should you listen to me? I have powers, that's why!" She pointed to Hughes. "I brought Hughes to life! That should be proof enough!"
"Wait, you brought me to life?" Hughes asked. The girl nodded. "Oh, thank you!" Hughes exclaimed, squeezing the girl in the Maes Hughes Hug of DOOM. "Here, I must show you my appreciation!" He then took out a picture of Elycia and gave it to the girl. "Please feel free to gaze upon the cuteness of my daughter anytime you wish!" He shouted, little anime hearts in his eyes. The girl smiled.
"Thank you very much, but I really can't accept-"
"No, no, I insist!"
"Well…alright…" The girl then looked at the picture of Elycia and squealed. "Aww! She's so cute!"
"Yeah, I know!"
"Hey, stop it!" Greed shouted, frustrated that Hughes had stolen the spotlight from him again. The girl turned to Greed. "You know what, I've decided that I'm not gonna listen to you!"
"I'll give you Pocky," the girl said, snapping her fingers. Then, a whole huge bag filled with boxes of Pocky appeared in front of her (plain Pocky, to specify). She reached into the bag and grabbed a box, and then gave the box to Greed. He stared at it for a minute, and then…
"Free Pocky? Okay, I'm in." He said.
"Anyone else want Pocky?" She asked. Everyone else nodded and came up and got a box of free Pocky.
"Okay," The girl said, "Now that everyone has Pocky, let's get started!" The girl turned to the What If machine, but then a voice said. "Wait a sec!" The girl turned around and saw that Winry had called out to her.
"Yeah, Winry?" The girl asked.
"Well," Winry said, "Since you obviously know our names, what's your name?" The girl blinked.
"My name…oh yeah, my name! Ahah, I forgot to tell you guys my name! Man, I'm stupid…"
You can say that again, everyone else thought, sweat-dropping.
"Anyway, I have a lot of names, but my main name is AnimeDutchess! You can call me…uhh…well, don't call me anything related to AnimeDutchess! Call me Ai!"
"Okay," Winry said, nodding, "Ai it is!"
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A/N: Arg, finally! Sorry this took so long; it was a combination of schoolwork, writer's block, other stuff, and procrastination! Gosh darnit, Roy's influencing me!
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Random Questions Dude: Why does AnimeDutchess want everyone to call her Ai? Why is she such a fangirl? If Hughes came from Heaven to Winry's house, then why didn't God come? What was the deal with the Pocky? Why does Hughes keep stealing the spotlight from Greed? Who's Mr. Fire-Pants? And most importantly: Who's gonna ask the What If machine a question first?
AnimeDutchess (or from now on, Ai): Not me, that's for sure! Just to tell ya, I go last!
Random Questions Dude: …Riiiiiiiiight…Anyway, check out then next chapter of What If… to see if anything of actual importance happens!
Ai: It will, don't worry!
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Next Chapter Dude: The first person asks the What If machine a question, and it's somewhat smooth sailing from here on in! Things happen that you'd NEVER see on the show, and there's waaaaaaay more Narrator bashing! It's wacky, wonderful, and Azumanga Daioh characters guest star in the next chapter! So read and review folks! And we at AnimeDutchess Fics Inc. wish everyone a Happy Holidays!