Crumpets Aren't My Style

By Marz

Serpents

Part I

She sat in back of the cargo ship, tools and relay systems strewn around her on the floor. Solit thought it was messy, but her host, Nina of the Copper Planes, did not particularly care. They'd lived as host and symbiote for nearly sixty years, but this was the first time they'd been at such odds. The argument going on in their shared mind was distracting, so much so that Solit almost failed to notice the override program activating. A tiny green light flickered on in a panel, halfway across the cargo hold. She pushed conflicting thoughts on the morality of sending that teenager off on such a mission to the back of her mind and gingerly crossed to the panel. She snatched up the bundle of bare wires hanging off the back of the panel and spliced them into the cargo ship's newly enhanced computer.

Data washed up on the screens that lay haphazardly around the bay. Some rested at angles against the walls, others lay flat on the floor. She'd been working on the communication tap for nearly seven hours, and it still wasn't quite ready. She thought it would take the boy longer to find an opportunity to upload the override. She grumbled to herself as she spliced a storage bank into the motley network of wires, panels, and crystals. There was a faint hum as the downloading began: data was snatched from Ba'al's network, decoded, and packed away for study.

Solit came up short as one of the screens on the floor displayed a sudden flicker of motion. She knelt down, staring into it. It was a live image from Tieholtsodi's palace. A procession, including the Go'auld himself was passing the curved surface of the subspace relay. They were choosing hosts already. Nina pushed her way forward.

We have to tap that signal. We must know if the boy is alright.

If he is or not we can do nothing about it, Solit said.

We have to know.

Solit pushed her back down. She spliced in another control panel and began to search for the origin of the signal. Only the one relay was active, but she saw there were several others in the palace that she could bring online. It took several minutes of programming and transmitting, but she managed to bring all the other relays to life. Two were in hallways, one was in a dark room, the last was in the throne room. It was smaller than normal, and seemed to be part of the high back of the throne itself. She wondered if Tieholtsodi even knew it was there.

She brought up the live image and sound on the monitors before her. Neither Nina nor Solit were pleased with what they saw. A large group of human slaves were lined up on their knees before the throne. The priestess of Tieholtsodi was standing over a large and handsome human male, a writhing Go'auld in her outstretched hand. The human's hands were upraised plaintively.

"My Lord I beg you! I have a family! I must-"

The man didn't even get to finish his begging. With an almost absentminded wave Tieholtsodi activated the ribbon device on his right hand, and sent the man flying across the room. He cleared an ornate guardrail and tumbled into a wide pit that seemed to run the entire length of the room. Screams echoed through the throne room. Solit searched the image and finally located the boy. He knelt between two other ragged-looking slaves with a horrified expression on his face. Solit stared into his face. All he had to do was keep his head down and he would get through this. Her host was mentally urging the boy not to panic, but Solit looked into his eyes, and saw something much more dangerous than panic in them. She saw resolve.

"Would anyone else like to share his fate?" the Go'auld asked, as the screams faded away.

The boy stood up and raised his hand. Every eye in the room was on him.

Solit's mouth dropped open. She'd heard rumors that the boy was a bit strange for a Tauri, but this was completely unexpected. She'd seen no hint of suicidal behavior as they prepared for the mission. She begged silently that he was just going to say something flattering to Tieholtsodi, and then shut the hell up. But the boy stepped forward out of the line.

"I'd like to be thrown into the pit of snakes, please," he said, polite and calm.

The Go'auld raised his hand and in the next instant the boy was flying across the chamber. For a moment he was pinned to the wall above the pit, and then the force was gone. The boy fell.

He landed flat on his back. The snakes struck at him. Those he'd landed on struggled to get out from under and the rest darted at him with dripping fangs. One of them grazed his cheek, another's fangs caught in a fold of his shirt. He shook them off.

"Don't! Don't! Don't!" Harry hissed.

He was praying very hard that the snakes on this world would speak the same kind of Parseltongue. The giving him the ability to speak with snakes was the one thing he was actually glad Voldemort had done to him. The snakes paused their attack, rocking back and forth as they watched him.

"Give me some room alright?" he asked.

The snakes backed up, sliding over each other until Harry was squatting in a small circle of clear stone. Harry looked around. The man who had tried to beg his way out of this was still twitching a few feet away. Harry had thought Solit was leaving something out. Now he understood what. The people still alive up there weren't just going to be sold off somewhere else or made to work on temples. They were going to end up possessed by a parasite. They'd never be free. They'd go around killing and enslaving others. And Solit hadn't done anything. Harry looked up at the edge of the pit, ten feet above him. Here was that "saving people thing" getting him into trouble again. So now what? He knew he had probably gained himself minutes at most. The Go'auld would finish boasting and drag out the parasites and the people above would submit or die. But what could he do? His magic wasn't reliable enough to stun all the bad guys and deflect everything that was shot at him and protect the humans if they ran.

"Kneel before your god!" Tieholtsodi's voice demanded from overhead.

The Jaffa only follow him because they think he's a god, right? Because he has powers they can't explain. What can I do to show them…

Harry's mind was whirling. The plan was half-baked and would call upon recruiting and acting skills he didn't know if he possessed, but it was the best he had. He looked back at the circle of snakes. They were mostly cobras, though a few pythons were mixed in.

"Can you understand me?"

"Yes," they replied.

"You want to get out of this pit, right?"

"Yes. It is cold. We are hungry. The sun is lost to us."

"Of course. That's all very bad. If you can play along for a few minutes we can all get out of here. Can all of you do that?"

"What must we do?"

Solit tried to adjust the view of the throne room, but the communication sphere was at the wrong angle. The boy hadn't screamed once. His neck may have been broken in the fall. Tieholtsodi had ordered his priestess to continue. Nina gave an internal wail of despair, and Solit was unable to calm her.

The program has been uploaded. The mission was a success. We can hardly be blamed for the boy's actions. He was out of his mind.

Perhaps that was why Bre'tac wouldn't give us permission to ask him in the first place, her host thought.

Their attention was drawn to the screen again as Tieholtsodi's priestess paced before the line of slaves searching for a host for the symbiote. It hissed and snapped its mouthparts as it shook off the last of the suspension liquid from the tank. The priestess stopped and held it out towards a short, fair-haired woman.

The woman screamed. She staggered to her feet. Two Jaffa seized her arms to keep her from fleeing. Tieholtsodi opened his mouth to speak, but froze before a single word could escape. Very slowly he looked down. A cobra had wound its way around his boot. His Jaffa guards started toward him but froze as well. The dark stone floor was crawling with snakes. They slithered around the sides of the room, moving with a stealth that seemed far beyond their capacity. As one, Jaffa, human slaves, and Go'auld turned toward the pit.

Snakes were spilling up over the edge, slithering between the bars of the railing and out onto the floor. They circled wide around the line of slaves, moving toward the Jaffa guards with great intention. They were all a bit shocked by the cobra's suddenly discovered ability to climb, but the next thing out of the pit really gave them a turn.

The boy's dark hair and pale face appeared over the edge and continued to rise. A moment later the rest of him was visible. He had a cobra wrapped around his shoulders and another had twisted itself several times around his right arm. He was standing calmly in the empty air. Solit saw no machines or wires that could explain it. What the boy was doing was simply not possible.

"I've had a chance to confer with my subjects," the boy said. "They're of the opinion that you are not a competent master of this place, and I am rather upset that you're using my name and likeness in such an unpleasant context."

"What?" Tieholtsodi demanded in a booming voice. His eyes flashed.

The cobra on the boy's shoulder straightened up suddenly and hissed at the Go'auld and every other snake in the room did the same. The Jaffa looked at each other with the faintest hint of nervousness.

"Well, as it happens, I am Tieholtsodi, Serpent god of the third plane and you are doing awful things to my reputation. I mean, look at that thing in her hands," the floating boy said. "That isn't even a real serpent. Since I had to come all the way from Earth to deal with this, I'd appreciate it if you would relinquish your rather unworthy claim to my domain, and leave this temple immediately."

"Jaffa!" Tieholtsodi roared.

The Jaffa pointed their staff weapons at the boy who was still floating benignly above the pit. The boy cocked his head to the side, and then hissed. The humans in the room shuddered, somehow managing to look even more frightened then they had with symbiotes being waved under their noses. The cobras on the floor reared up and circled the Jaffa. The boy hissed again and the snakes hissed in response. The Jaffa looked to the First prime.

"Firing those in here is not a very good idea," the boy said in a human voice once more. "My subjects are rather upset with all of you at the moment. One cobra bite isn't enough to kill a fully mature Jaffa and symbiote, but I'm sure you can all count. The numbers are in our favor. Your master is already in trouble for infringing on my name, but I've no particular grievance with any of you."

"Kill him!" ordered Tieholtsodi. "He is not your god! I am! This is a trick! Kill him!"

The boy hissed and the cobras encircling Tieholtsodi struck. The Go'auld winced.

"Kill him!" Teiholtsodi shrieked, terror clear in his voice.

He kicked at the snakes, but they continued to strike.

"I am your god! Obey me!"

The Jaffa stood undecided, one moment looking at the Go'auld they served and the next looking toward the boy in the air. Tieholtsodi activated his ribbon device, knocking cobras away from him, but for every one he knocked away, twice as many would slither forward in their place. He raised his personal shield but it did little to protect him from the animals already wrapped around his boots. The Jaffa were still motionless as their former god fell, foaming at the mouth. The priestess shrieked and the symbiote fell from her hand. The creature lunged toward the humans but a cobra struck it mid-leap. For a moment the writhing forms struggled, then the symbiote went still.

The boy came down then. He floated slowly towards the floor and his feet settled down gently in between the still-agitated snakes. The snake that had hung on his arm crawled down to the ground, but the one on his shoulder stayed where it was, hissing in his ear. The boy walked past the Jaffa. They turned and pointed their staff weapons at him, but he didn't seem to care. The snakes all swarmed after the boy, surrounding him except for the path he walked. He came to a stop before Tieholtsodi's priestess and the tank of Go'auld. The woman stood for a moment, looking from the dead Go'auld she had served to the boy in slave's clothing and the serpents that surrounded him. She dropped to her knees.

"Forgive me! I did not know he was a false god," she cried dramatically.

The boy did not answer her. He pointed at the tank with his empty right hand. It burst. Symbiotes spilled out, shrieking and hissing across the floor. Some tried to crawl towards the humans still lined up in the middle of the room. The cobras intercepted them long before they got there.

Solit knew her mouth was hanging open. She tried to form words. The scene in the throne room continued to unfold. The boy hissed loudly and all in the room besides the serpents cringed. Though she was miles away in sealed cargo ship, she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. The cobras rose up and opened their hoods, hissing back. All the humans and Jaffa sank to their knees.

The cobra on the boy's shoulders unwound itself and slithered to the floor. It moved toward the door of the throne room and all the other serpents followed after it. As the snakes moved out the boy ran his hands through his hair and surveyed the room. He seemed more then a little confused.

"My…my lord?" said the human woman who had only just avoided becoming a host.

The boy turned and looked at her.

"Excuse me?" he said.

"We are grateful…my lord for…for your intervention. How may we serve you?"

The boy looked even more confused if that were possible. He looked around the room and ran his hand through his hair again.

"Oh…er…alright. Everybody up! Back on your feet! None of that now!" the boy said. He went around pulling all the humans and Jaffa upright again. "Now I think there has been some kind of misunderstanding here. I'm Tieholtsodi, Serpent god of the third plane. If you've got legs you don't really fall under my jurisdiction."

The humans and Jaffa looked even more confused than the boy had a minute earlier. A few of the humans tried to kneel again.

"No, really. I'm serious," the boy said. "I mean, you're all perfectly intelligent people right? You don't need someone telling you what to do and throwing you in a pit of snakes if you don't, right?"

Carefully, the humans in the room shook their heads.

"So then, why don't you go home, and farm or something?"

"You want nothing from us?" the fair-haired woman asked again.

"Well, try not to start fights with the snakes," the boy said. "Because I told them to stay clear of all of you, so really there shouldn't be a problem. And snakes are very good for the ecosystem. They keep the rodent population down, you know?"

The humans were nodding and backing away towards the door. The boy waved at them and they turned and ran. The Jaffa of Tieholtsodi and the priestess stood watching him. The boy looked very small compared to them. The first prime stepped forward.

"You are not Go'auld," he said, almost accusingly.

The boy shrugged. "What does that have to do with anything?"

The first prime frowned. "The Go'auld are gods."

"Since when?"

The first Prime looked flummoxed. "Since time began."

"Well that's entirely untrue," the boy said.

He'd begun fiddling with the loose threads on the ends of his sleeves.

"Then what is true?" the first prime asked.

The boy shrugged. "I'm not exactly the expert on Jaffa truth. Snakes are my business, remember?"

"But what of us?"

"Well," the boy said. "I've got this friend you could talk to about that…"

"And you accidentally overthrew Tieholtsodi?"

Harry shrugged. Bre'tac and the other leaders of the Rebel camp all stood watching him, and he couldn't help but fidget. McGonagall sat by the old Jaffa's feet, giving Harry an equally disapproving glare. Solit had flown over the camp in the cargo ship and dropped him into it using the rings. They hadn't parted on good terms and it seemed everyone was now mad at him. His explanation of his actions wasn't apparently helping him, either.

"Well the Tok'ra didn't entirely explain what was going to happen. That is to say…they left some things out that I think were rather important, so I thought…I thought it would be wrong not to try something."

"And you simply convinced them that Tieholtsodi was not a god?" asked Bre'tac.

"Pretty much," Harry answered.

"So we should take the messages sent to us by his former first prime seriously?" Ishtar asked.

"Yet'ar called already?" Harry asked.

He and Solit had only left Ock'een that morning. He had expected the Jaffa to mull over his suggestion they join the rebellion a little more than that. Of course, that was almost twelve hours ago. His mind was drifting back to the long awkward flight with the Tok'ra woman when Bre'tac's staring recalled his attention.

"They seemed sincere," Harry said, actually answering the question.

Bre'tac didn't exactly sigh, but his expression did indicate some sort of frustrated resignation. "You may return to training. Do not speak with the Tok'ra without receiving permission from me first."

Harry bowed and walked away. He could feel many eyes on the back of his head. That sensation was wiped away by the feeling of claws on the back of his head.

"Yow!" he stumbled and shrugged trying to get McGonagall to let go.

She bit him on the ear, and then dropped back to the ground.

"I cannot believe you would- No! No, I believe you would! I entirely believe that you would! When will you learn?" the cat raved. "You say you can't bear these situations on Earth, but you go charging into them here! What is wrong with you?"

"You bit my ear!" Harry said.

"I'll do worse then that if you try anything so foolish again. I am doing my best to keep you alive despite the situation you have put me in, and all you do is try to throw it away! You throw everything away!"

"I do not!"

She clawed his ankle. "I can't even look at you right now!" she hissed.

He started to speak again but she drowned him out with an enraged yowl, before stalking off into the jungle. His shoulders sank. No matter what he did, it would never be good enough.

In England all he ever did was get people hurt and killed. He thought he'd actually done some good on Ock'een. He'd helped those people at the temple. He'd convinced those Jaffa that the Go'auld were not gods. Now Bre'tac was chewing him out and McGonagall was chewing him up and Solit said he had ruined the Tok'ra's chances of tapping into Ba'al's communication systems. With Tieholtsodi gone, the whole system would be scrapped and reprogrammed. The override was no good. And he couldn't even go and complain to Charlie, because he was banned from the Tok'ra camp.

He slumped down on the sleeping bag in his tent. McGonagall had been scratching it up and the stuffing was poking out of numerous holes. Not for the first time he hung his head and wished he was home, even if it meant catching fire and going up like an un-watered Christmas tree.