Author's note: As with all the previous chapters, I apologize for the rate of updates. Also people were asking what the N.A.W.C. was. It's the North American Wizard's Counsel.
Crumpets Aren't My Style
By Marz
Last Will and Testament
"What did you get for Bill?"
"Hu?"
Ron Weasley looked up from the box he was wrapping. He'd tied his thumbs into the ribbon the five previous times he had tried to attach it. Hermione watched him with a nervous expression.
"It's a Watch-chain," Ron mumbled.
"Oh. I've read about those," she said.
She set down her scissors and paper and stepped across the cluttered floor towards him. She was careful not to make any noise. That morning they'd been chewed out for talking too loudly by the Order members in the study next door.
They'd been let out of school early for Christmas break. No one was really interested in classwork, neither the students nor the teachers. So now they and several other students were spending the holidays at 12 Grimmauld Place, with two dozen Order members as well.
Hermione took the box from Ron and looked at the chain inside.
"The muggles have something like this, but they use fiberoptic cables and a camera."
Ron nodded. "Bill needs it. He needs to watch his back or he'll end up like-"
He cut himself off. His face screwed up and Hermione tensed, unsure if he was going to rage or cry.
THUD!
The outburst, whatever its intended form, aborted as the explosion rattled the room. There were pounding feet up the hallway and the door slammed open.
"I told you kids to knock off that racket!" shouted Rudolf Cook, one of the Order's newly recruited alchemists.
Hermione glared. "It wasn't-"
THUD! THUD! THUD!
Something fell over and shattered in the kitchen.
"What the hell?" Cook said.
They ran across the hall to the other room and peered out its slightly fogged windows. All they could see were the houses across the street. Muggles were stopping their cars and getting out to look up at the sky.
THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!
It didn't stop and the whole house shuddered.
"The roof!" Ron shouted in Hermione's ear.
They left Cook and ran up the steps, and then climbed the ladder to the attic. Ginny was already there. She pushed open the trap door and slid out onto the roof.
"Oh Merlin!"
Ron and Hermione slapped at her feet until Ginny got out of the way, then they climbed out as well.
The sky was burning.
Fire was raining down on the center of London, no more than five miles away. Clouds of ash and smoke were already blowing towards them. Hermione slapped at an ember that landed in her hair.
"What is it?" Ron shouted, barely audible over the resounding explosions.
"Meteors?" Ginny said, eyeing the sky overhead.
"Meteors don't aim," Hermione said as another fireball sailed passed them, toward the burning center of the city.
This was bad. O'Neill knew it was the understatement of the century, but he was a little too close to panic to come up with better adjectives. He lay on the wall barely able to breathe because the gravity was turned up so high. Of course Ba'al's flagship would have alternate gravity panels installed. No economy model for Ba'al's transport, no sir. He even had a few on the ceiling, though what you could do with a gravity panel on the ceiling was lost on him.
"You will answer me," Ba'al said from his chair on the other side of the room.
He had a whole collection of pointy objects laid out on a low table before him, and bottles that O'Neill most definitely did not want to know about.
"Could you repeat the question?" O'Neill said, trying to sit up. "The A.D.D is acting up again."
Ba'al sneered. The expression just didn't look right on the kid's face. It occurred to O'Neill then that with the kid's firsthand knowledge of Earth culture, Ba'al probably would understand almost all of his obscure cultural references. Though whether the Goa'uld understanding more of his insults was a good or bad thing was still up in the air.
"You will describe to me the Ancient city buried in the ice on the southernmost continent of your planet."
"Or?" O'Neill asked.
"Or?" Ba'al repeated.
"Yeah, you know. Tell me what I want to know or I'll…something or other."
The Goa'uld laughed. "There is no 'or' in this situation, human. You will give me the information I desire, and then I will kill you."
"I think you need to repeat a few classes in evil villain school. You're missing the point of this whole torturing people for information thing."
Ba'al's hand hovered over the table, picking over an assortment of knives. For half a second O'Neill felt relief as Ba'al's hand passed over the sharpened bits of metal and came away empty. He raised his hand toward O'Neill and the General was half tempted to point out to the jumped-up tapeworm that he was wearing his ribbon device, the Goa'uld weapon of choice, on his other hand. Then the light came at him.
"Crucio."
When he could breathe again the kid was just looking at him. For a moment O'Neill thought he saw some expression of regret in the boy's face but then it was gone. The Goa'uld turned and went to a keyboard that slid out of the opposite wall. He waved his hand over it. As a holographic view screen lit up along the wall, O'Neill wondered why the Goa'uld would bother building the keyboard if all they had to do was wave over it to make it work.
Focus.
The hologram flickered for a moment, zooming in from a distant view of Earth to a close-up view of Europe. He could see the fires in England. He wondered if there was anything of London left. As O'Neill watched, more lumps of burning plasma rained down.
"It occurred to me that perhaps you are right. It is difficult to get your species to do anything without some sort of motivation, and you have proved to be annoyingly in denial regarding the agony you will soon be experiencing. Here is your 'or'. You will give me the information I seek regarding the Ancient technology or I will burn all the rural communities from the face of your planet, as well as the cities."
Ba'al touched the panel. The view changed. O'Neill couldn't tell what country it was. The kids all wore blue skirts or pants and blue sweaters. Fire rained down in the distance as their teachers desperately tried to chase them back into the school buildings behind them.
"There is no reason for me to destroy these creatures," Ba'al began. "They will make suitable hosts in a few years. But you demanded your 'or'."
O'Neill swallowed as a million different lies, excuses, and other insufficient responses whirled through his mind. Ba'al glared at him, a faint smirk playing across his face. O'Neill considered simply not answering. If he said nothing, if he shut it all out, maybe the horrible situation would just pass on. He knew it wouldn't. He opened his mouth to speak and the ship shuddered. Ba'al turned sharply, hands flying across the keyboard, images projected in the hologram changing equally rapidly. O'Neill couldn't read Goa'uld very well, and certainly not fast enough to understand all the warnings that Ba'al was glaring at. But a diagram popped up that he didn't need words to understand. An overlay of the power systems appeared and multiple areas were flashing red. The weapons systems were overloading.
"Crossed wires?" O'Neill asked.
The Goa'uld's shoulders stiffened, but he didn't turn from the controls.
"You know, for a god you're pretty incompetent."
Ba'al slammed a hand down on the keyboard and another warning light came up.
"Wrong button?"
The Goa'uld turned then and O'Neill suddenly thought that perhaps antagonizing him was not a good idea. Ba'al waved a hand at the table, and every pointy object came sailing at O'Neill.
Definitely not a good idea.
"Report, Colonel Carter."
"The Goa'uld craft has ceased fire, and moved into a higher orbit. As it was moving past the Holland observation satellite, they were able to collect this data."
Carter leaned over her laptop and brought up the next screen. Briggs was watching her every move, as if he was about to catch her lying. The other officers just sat, blank-faced. She didn't know most of them. The only friendly face at the table was Major Davis, and he was looking rather green, to be honest.
"The ship was emitting huge amounts of infrared radiation from these areas," she explained, slashing the projection with her laser pointer. "From the ship schematics we have on file from the Tok'ra, I believe this indicates an overload in the power relays, specifically those leading to the ship's plasma cannons. I don't think the Goa'uld stopped after these three targets because he wanted to. I think his ship was about to blow up."
There was a short pause as the rest of the room considered what she had told them. They were still struggling to understand why any Goa'uld would start an invasion by taking out London, Little Hangleton, and an abandon castle in a remote area of Scotland. Carter looked toward the door.
Daniel was standing just inside it, next to the guards. He hadn't been offered a chair, or even been invited in, but SG1's archeologist could be something of a tick at times. You'd have to burn him with cigarette to get him to go away, and even then he'd leave some little irritating something under your skin to nag you. He gave Carter a look and she nodded back. They both knew what the connection might be. There were two strangely dressed men in the cells on level twenty to back it up. The Goa'uld attack had something to do with the boy, Harry. Now they had to figure out what that something was.
"Does this overload mean the Goa'uld craft is now vulnerable to attack, Colonel?" asked Colonel Emmett.
"No. The satellite also picked up gamma radiation being reflected away from the craft, indicating its shields are still up."
"Could we outfit the remaining X302's with hyperspace generators, to punch through the shields as you and Colonel O'Neill did with Anubis' ship?" asked General Mayhew.
"Area 51 is working on it sir, but it will take a week at least to outfit even one squadron," she said.
"And the Ancient outpost in Antarctica?" Mayhew pressed.
"The ZPM we had was completely drained and General O'Neill was the only one who could run it with any accuracy, and even then only after he had the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded into his brain."
"Why did he have the information removed?" asked Emmett asked.
"Because his head was going to explode," Major Davis said. "You were given a memo."
The two men glared at each other.
"So there is nothing we can do about the Goa'uld?" Briggs asked, interrupting.
"At the moment I don't have enough information to answer that question, sir."
He nodded and she sat down. Major Davis stood.
"The last transmission we received from the Prometheus confirmed that General O'Neill and Teal'c had arrived safely on board. We observed the activation of a ring transport device, after which time all direct communication ceased. The Prometheus remained inactive when the Goa'uld ship moved in on Earth. Though we were unable to hail them we did intercept several transmissions on the ship's secure channel, which we have the encryption keys for."
"-zzzt you will remain in orbit until summoned."
"Yes my lord."
"Do not answer any communications from the Tauri. Fire on any approaching vessel but this one. You will receive further orders in one hour."
"Yes my lord."
"We've identified the second voice in the communiqué as Colonel Williams. We're assuming a large portion of the Prometheus' crew is under some sort of Goa'uld mind control, since Colonel Williams is an upstanding officer."
"And who is the Goa'uld?" asked Briggs.
"At this point we aren't certain, but we suspect it is Ba'al. The writing on the ship indicates it is Ba'al's. If another Goa'uld had captured the ship they would immediate write their name on it, an ego thing. We have Ba'al's voice on record from messages he sent attempting to convince General O'Neill that he had SG1 hostage, and this does not match. It could mean he has taken a new host. We are attempting to use a computer program to account for the distortion a Goa'uld symbiote causes in its host's voice, but we've had very little success."
"And the current position of the Prometheus?" Briggs asked.
"At this moment it is in orbit 700 miles above Cheyenne Mountain."
"Threat assessment?"
"As you know, sir, the Prometheus is not equipped with weapons of mass destruction. Its missile systems are not designed to take out targets on the ground. If the ship were to fire on a city, the missiles would burn up in the atmosphere and damage would be very minimal. Even if the ship were to crash into a target on a suicide run, The President has been moved to a secure location, and Congress will not be in session until this crisis is resolved. He won't be able to do any major damage to the military using the Prometheus, but if he crashes it into a population center like New York or L.A. there will be thousands of casualties."
Briggs nodded and Davis returned to his seat.
"What can we do about this?" Briggs asked those seated around the table.
"Our best hope at the moment is to call in a favor from our offworld allies," Carter said. "But judging from the response we got to our request for help with PX499, we can't expect them from the Tok'ra any time soon. With permission, sir, I'd like to send a team through the gate to Hibernia. Though their government doesn't have any official military alliance with earth, Warik Fin might be willing to lend us the Cerberus, and it's large enough to put a bit of a scare into a Goa'uld with no weapons system."
"Would such a ship be able to reach Earth before the Goa'uld gets its weapons back up and running?" Briggs asked.
"Since we don't know what's wrong, we have no way of knowing how long it will take them to fix it. At their maximum speed it will take a Hibernian ship almost a week to reach Earth, but at the moment they are our best bet. The sooner a team leaves, the better."
Briggs nodded. "Any other suggestions?"
"I have one," Daniel said, stepping away from the wall.
Briggs looked mildly annoyed, but nodded for him to continue.
"We have two prisoners on the base right now, and though we don't know the exact nature of their abilities, they seem to have some kind of instantaneous transportation technology."
"Any you believe these men, who claim to be wizards according to the report I received, are willing to give this technology to us?"
Daniel shrugged. "It couldn't hurt to ask."
Briggs glared at Daniel. He opened his mouth to speak but a flash of white light through the conference room window stole his words. All of the officers hurried to the window to look down through the bulletproof glass that separated them from the gate room. Sirens and red lights began to flash. Someone had just used Asgard beam technology to steal the Stargate.
"Not again," Daniel muttered.
"But that's not possible," Carter said. "The system the Asgard installed requires a broadcast locator signal. It can't pick out targets without one. We just had the gate-"
There was another blinding flash of white light, this time in the briefing room.
"Sam?" Daniel called.
His eyes drifted to the closed door and he found himself bending to look under the conference table. She was gone.
"You will search every single crystal for the source for the error."
They all bowed. All except for Lt. Hays, but since he was dead with his brains all scrambled and pouring out his ears, the Goa'uld apparently didn't hold it against him. Dr. Novak stepped over the body and scurried to check the crystals, as ordered. She'd already disposed of the ones she'd sabotaged but had to keep up the appearance of a busy little zombie.
She didn't see the point in killing Hays, since he was as brainwashed as the rest of them. Of course she didn't get the whole brainwashed thing either, which she thought could explain why it hadn't worked on her.
For the first few minutes after she'd been dragged in front of the Goa'uld and had a hand waved over her head she'd felt as if she'd consumed far more then the recommended dosage of Nyquil, and she'd had a weird desire to help the Goa'uld conquer earth, but that feeling had vanished halfway through her first "Yes, my Lord."
She'd looked around, watched the other members of the crew for signs that they'd come out of it too, but they only wandered about with the same glassy expression, repairing the damaged Goa'uld mother ship. She thought some people must have come out of whatever it was, since she had, but she hadn't yet come across any. She thought it would be the world's biggest irony if the entire crew was faking it and everyone was too scared to say anything.
Novak knelt down and opened a panel. All the crystals were fine but she took them out, checking each for cracks as she felt eyes boring into the back of her head. She was sure the Goa'uld was watching her. She couldn't turn around.
She'd meant to blow the whole thing up. The feedback loop she'd created should have vaporized half the ship, but the Goa'uld had been monitoring the systems too closely. He'd managed to bleed off the excess power with only minimal damage to the weapons system. It would be up and running again in less then a day unless she found another way to break it.
The Goa'uld stepped closer, overshadowing her and making it impossible to keep working. She paused trying to keep her hand from shaking. She waited for him to say something.
"You have discovered something?" he asked.
He's not very big. I can probably take him down.
But there were guards in the room and the ribbon device was very close to her head.
"Not yet, my Lord," she said.
"When you have finished with this relay you will reroute sufficient power to my personal chambers to operate the sarcophagus."
"Yes, my Lord."
He turned then and motioned to the guards. They walked out, leaving Hays on the floor. Novak let out a startled hic-up as the door closed behind them. If not Hays, then who was being raised from the dead?
Lupin sat on the concrete floor of his cell, picking at the unevenly stamped rubber treads of the sandals they had given him. He seemed utterly absorbed in that activity, and didn't even turn towards Snape as he spoke.
"Colonel Carter has left the base. The air smells burned, but not."
Snape rolled his eyes and shifted slightly on his bunk. Eight feet of floor and two sets of steel bars separated them, but Snape was still tempted to lunge at him.
"And that completely inane comment helps us how?"
"Whatever has the muggles so terrified…it's getting closer. They're getting ready for a fight and they don't think they can win it," Lupin said, still busy with his footwear.
"And that helps us how?" Snape repeated.
"They'll ask for our help soon," Lupin said quietly. "They think the world is coming to an end."
"Muggles always think the sky is falling."
"They may be right."
Snape stood angrily. "I've had enough of your paranoia, and ill-conceived plans. I am at the end of my patience. You said you had a wand. Make use of it!"
Lupin looked up from his sandal and was about to speak when the air split with a resounding bang.
A house elf stood in the narrow aisle between their cells. Instead of being wrapped in a tea towel or some other symbol of servitude, the elf wore a perfectly fitted muggle business suit.
"I am Bob," the creature announced.
"Hello, Bob," said Lupin.
The elf turned towards him and bowed. "Hello, unregistered werewolf and Severus Snape from the International Death Eater Watch List. I, Bob am here to deliver a message. The Department of Miracles would have sent a human representative, but no witch or wizard is allowed within forty miles of this base, under N.A.W.C. legal code 415883b, regarding the second prophecy of Albourne the All Knowing, in 1841."
"What?" Snape and Lupin asked together.
"By coming here you have violated N.A.W.C. legal code 415883b. The penalty for such a crime is eternal imprisonment in a Wizard's Globe," the elf explained.
Rather then locking up lawbreakers in a prison, the American wizards shrunk the offender and sealed them up in Magic-proof glass balls. They were sometimes sold as paperweights to the people they had wronged. If no one wanted them, they were left in the care of a Warden. The Muggles had even copied them after a fashion, though rather then putting felons in glass domes they tended to put miniatures of Father Christmas and fake snow. It was a rather archaic form of punishment. Wizards in Europe considered it demeaning and cruel. Of course Snape thought it was much preferable to being locked up in a freezing cell with a pack of Dementors. Still, he wasn't going to go without a fight.
"And you're here to enforce this ruling?" Snape asked.
Lupin's hand was hovering above his forearm, probably intending to bring forth his wand from wherever he had hidden it. Idly Snape wondered which one was quicker on the draw. The elf shook its head.
"I, Bob am authorized only to deliver messages, since I, Bob am not human, and am therefore exempt from N.A.W.C. legal code 415883b."
"So the N.A.W.C. will not be sending Aurors in to arrest us?" Snape asked.
"No, they will take you into custody as soon as you exit from this forbidden ground. Please make your way out as soon as possible," the elf said.
Snape raised an eyebrow. "So if we do not leave on our own no one will come in to get us?"
"You can not stay here," Bob said slowly, as if they were both incredibly stupid. "This is a forbidden area."
"Why is it forbidden?" Lupin asked.
The elf looked scandalized. "Because of Albourne's second prophesy; the warning not to interfere with the Ascended."
"I've never heard of it," Snape said.
The elf ducked slightly and began to whisper. "Omah will choose her successor from these people. We are forbidden to interfere!"
Snape rolled his eyes. The N.A.W.C. was always making some ridiculous law based on a mad prophet. In this case at least, it seemed to be shielding them from arrest.
"Who is Omah?" asked Lupin.
The elf began to bounce back and forth on tiny feet. "Not so loud!" it hissed.
"Why not?" Snape asked.
"They will hear!"
"But who is-"
Lupin's question was cut off as the door swung open and Daniel Jackson stepped in. He looked rather surprised at spotting an elf in his path. His mild consternation was nothing compared to the elf's reaction. It shrieked, threw itself to the floor and groveled.
"Sir! I, Bob did not mean to interfere. I, Bob was only carrying out the orders given to me by the N.A.W.C. I did not speak to any muggles!"
"Oh," Jackson said. "I'm sure that's fine then."
"So you may report to Omah that we did not interfere. We have kept out agreement," the elf persisted.
"OK." Jackson said. "I'll tell her the next time I see her. Just refresh my memory. What agreement?"
The elf looked shocked and then looked at the door. It had swung shut after Jackson had stepped through.
"You opened the door?" the elf said.
Jackson nodded. The elf crept toward him slowly. It reached out a trembling hand and tapped Jackson's shin, then darted back across the room, eyes bulging.
"But…but…you Ascended!" the elf said.
"I came back," Jackson replied.
The elf shrieked and vanished in a wisp of smoke.
"Well that was…odd," Jackson said. "Either of you want to tell me what that was about?" he asked the prisoners.
Lupin shrugged. "I have no idea really. I always feel as if I know less than I did before, after speaking to an elf."
Jackson shrugged and then sighed. "I guess it doesn't really matter at the moment." He looked at both of them, trying to look dire. Snape thought he succeeded in looking as if he had to sneeze.
"I suppose you've already figured out something is going on," Jackson said.
"The sky if falling," muttered Snape.
"Some of it," Jackson said, frowning. He sighed again. "I don't know what you know, and I don't have the authority or the clearance to tell you this," he said, throwing a sidelong glance at Lupin, "But you offered to help and we definitely need it. Nine hours ago a Goa'uld Mothership entered the solar system. It captured our only battle-ready ship and took up orbit over England, proceeding to bombard three specific sites. The residual radiation was minimal, but all three target sites were completely destroyed."
"What were the targets?" Snape asked.
"A six-block area in Central London, the entire town of Little Hangleton and some of Greater Hangleton as well and an abandon castle in Northern Scotland. The ship then moved into a higher orbit. They used the ship they captured from us to attack this base."
"And this concerns us how?" Snape asked.
"We intercepted a communication from the ship that suggests the crew has somehow been pressed into the Goa'uld's service."
"All that is heartbreaking, I'm sure," Snape said. "But what does it have to do with us?"
Jackson reached into his pocket and drew out a small black plastic box. He pressed one of the buttons on the side. For a moment it filled the room with buzzing static.
"-zzzt you will remain in orbit until summoned."
"Yes my lord."
"Do not answer any communications from the Tauri. Fire on any approaching vessel but this one. You will receive further orders in one hour."
"Yes my lord."
Jackson hit the button again and the voices stopped.
"I repeat," Snape said boredly, "What does that have to do with us?"
It was bad enough the muggles were keeping them locked up in a windowless cellar, now they expected them to participate in some sort of military action based on-
Lupin getting to his feet and nearly falling over broke up his train of thoughts. He was looking from Snape to Jackson with an expression of uncompromising horror on his washed-out features.
"That voice…"
"The first voice was the captain of our ship and the other the Goa'uld," Jackson explained.
"The second voice," Lupin said. "That second voice was Harry."
Teal'c leaned down and shook her shoulder.
"Colonel Carter? You must wake up."
She groaned.
"Colonel Carter, has Ba'al taken control of the SGC?"
Her eyes popped open and she sat up with a start.
"The Naquadah!" she shouted.
Teal'c leaned back as she looked around and got her bearings. They were in a large holding cell in the center of the ship, so there was not all that much to see. Her eyes drifted over the other prisoners in the room; several rebel Jaffa and a few humans in blue jumpsuits.
"Has Stargate command fallen to the Goa'uld?" Teal'c asked again.
"N-no. They…is it hot in here? They used the Prometheus' Asgard transport system. They grabbed the Gate. I landed in the cargo hold. Other things were appearing. Parts of the subspace communication system, zats and staff weapons from the armory. I couldn't figure out how they were targeting without a broadcast signal. The Goa'uld must have rigged up the sensors to target everything with Naquadah in it. Major Lewis shot me with a zat," she finished in a rush.
Teal'c nodded.
"Ba'al has used some sort of mind control to subvert the majority of the Prometheus crew and the Rebel Jaffa who had initially captured his ship."
"It is Ba'al?" she asked climbing to her feet. "We intercepted a communication, but the voice was different."
"He has taken a new host."
Carter's face lost all its color and she looked over all the humans again. "Not...!"
Teal'c shook his head. "I have not seen General O'Neill since we were attacked in the ring room. I do know he is not Ba'al's host."
"Then who?"
"He has taken the boy," called a familiar voice from across the room.
Carter and Teal'c both turned. Master Bre'tac was slowly getting to his feet. His faced was bruised and his clothing scorched but he was very much alive. Teal'c had seen him earlier, but he had not awoken until that moment.
"We thought the boy had killed Ba'al," Bre'tac said. "There was a dead symbiote next to the corpse, but there must have been two of them."
Teal'c took a step towards the older man. He approached them unsteadily and his eyes were unusually bright. Teal'c was not surprised. According to the other prisoners, Bre'tac had tried twice to escape before his arrival, and been struck on the head during both attempts.
"The things he does now," Bre'tac said, leaning absentmindedly against Carter's shoulder as he spoke, "they are not Goa'uld technology. It is something he has learned from his host. The boy is a wizard, and the cat, she is a witch. I think he has harmed her."
"Master Bre'tac?" Carter asked. "Do you want to sit down?"
He shook his head and almost tipped over.
"We must find a way to retake the ship. He will harm her."
Carter looked to Teal'c but he didn't know who Bre'tac was referring to, either. They were about to question Bre'tac further when his eyes rolled back into his head. Carter stumbled a bit under his weight, and Teal'c helped her set the older man on the floor.
"Is there any way out of here?" Carter asked Teal'c.
"We have found nothing in our searches."
"We have to get out of here," Carter said. "General O'Neill might be...might be…dead."
"If that is the case," Teal'c said, "I doubt Ba'al will allow him to remain so for long."
Carter did not look comforted.