chapter four: in which kurama is less than perfect

"That's the third time your cell phone has gone off," Yusuke remarked some hours later. He was now lying on the couch, remote dangling from one hand. "You might want to consider answering it one of these days."

Hiei shot him a nasty look, then stalked out of the room. "What is it?" he demanded before the door slammed behind him.

"I didn't even know he was technologically competent," Kuwabara said, glazed eyes still fixed to the television screen. He had staked out an armchair and glowered possessively at anyone who came near it.

"Prolonged exposure to Mukuro would make an ant technologically competent," Yusuke replied, eyes in a similar state. "And it's not like he's stupid."

"We've had computers for a lot longer than you have," Kurama said, looking equally out of it and having the added bonus of being sprawled on the floor, chin propped on his folded arms. "First one I came across was...some six hundred years ago? Six hundred something. A lot longer than Hiei's been alive. So it's not like he's had a lack of exposure to them."

"But a cell phone," Kuwabara protested. "It's so...normal."

"How do you think I felt when I had to grow up as a human?" Kurama asked. "It was supposed to be different, not...rather archaic."

There was an extremely lethargic silence. When Hiei started having a loud yet one-sided argument in a very foreign language, it did nothing to destroy the lethargy, but the silence was lost forever.

"All right, what's he saying?" Yusuke finally asked when the yelling had subsided.

"It could be 'my hovercraft is full of eels', but my knowledge of that particular language runs only to talking myself out of jail and into free drinks," Kurama replied.

"I never picked you as the free-drink type," Yusuke said. "The things you learn when zombies attack."

"Zombie attacks are a complete non-event right now," Kuwabara told him. "Do you think they've left off attacking other people, too?"

"Well, the general consensus is that our zombies don't much seem inclined to go after people unless they have a personal vendetta. In that case, we're not exactly obliged to be interfering," Yusuke said. "It's not like we're on active duty any more."

"You're not," Hiei said, slamming the door open. "I am. I'm leaving."

"Are you coming back?" Yusuke seized on this very important point.

Hiei looked blank. "I could, I suppose," he finally admitted, and left.

"What's his problem?" Kuwabara demanded once the door had shut.

"Is he having issues asserting his independence again?" Yusuke asked. "He'll sulk for days now."

"And how is that different from normal?" Kuwabara asked. "Or is this on top of the permanent bad attitude?"

"Your show is back," Kurama said, then put his head down and closed his eyes. Whatever debate there might have been was lost in a barrage of gunfire and cops yelling in English.

Yusuke only stirred at the end of the show, and that was just to peer with concern at Kurama. "Christ," he said quietly. "He must be pretty damn tired to just pass out like that."

"Don't tell me you've never done that," Kuwabara told him. "I've seen you."

"Yes, but I've always had a reason," Yusuke explained. "If he has a reason, it's not one that I've heard about."

"Wake him up and ask him. It's not a mystery," Kuwabara said, lolling back on his chair.

"Mmmf," mmfed Yusuke. This one syllable conveyed a wealth of not wanting to move to Kuwabara, who nodded and nudged an empty food carton with a toe.

Unfortunately for Yusuke's wishes, the phone rang a few minutes later. Kuwabara passed the phone over Kurama's unconscious form to Yusuke, who wormed a hand out from under his chest and hit the ON button. "'Lo?"

"It's Keiko. How are things?"

"Hey," Yusuke said with a smile. "Things are good. The guy who's behind this managed to talk to Kurama, and he said he was going to lay off sending flunkies at us until he came up with a better plan."

"I wouldn't call that good," Keiko said irritably. "But you're not being bothered by anything?"

"No," Yusuke said slowly. "Well, I'm bothered by a few things, but they're not physical bothers. It's just...there are some things about this that annoy me, but if I talk to anyone about them, they sound stupid. Even if I'm just trying to think about them to get them straight in my head, they make no sense."

"Colour me surprised," Keiko said dryly.

Yusuke was silent for a long minute. "I haven't heard that phrase in years," he finally announced.

"Yusuke."

"Sorry. Anyway, what's going on up there?"

"These undead people keep showing up at the temple. Genkai's been keeping them pending their exorcism. She's getting it in writing what they want done with their bodies – that's what Shizuru and I have been doing – but she wants to wait until she can get someone from the spirit world until she actually exorcises them," Keiko said. "She said that Botan was supposed to be out conducting exorcisms, but no one can reach her. There's another ferry girl coming soon."

"What about Yukina?" Yusuke correctly interpreted Kuwabara's flailings.

"She's helping Genkai still. She's going to stay the night." Yusuke reported this to Kuwabara, gave him a manly pat with the remote when his face fell, and tried not to laugh. "If you see Botan, you should tell her that everyone's trying to find her."

A small problem that had been jumbled around in Yusuke's brain suddenly straightened out with alarming clarity. "Keiko," he said. "Remember one of those problems I had. Listen to this, it doesn't sound so crazy any more. Kurama told me that the man doing this? He said that he'd done something that would discourage Koenma from using exorcism as a weapon. Would you mind adding me to the list of people who want to know where Botan is?"

"Hang on, I'll go talk to Genkai." The phone was put down with a thump. Yusuke edged the volume up on the television and settled in for the wait. Ten minutes later, Keiko exhaled and said, "She said she looked for Botan, harder this time, and couldn't find her, but that might not mean anything."

"It could mean a lot," Yusuke replied, "but I don't know what I can do now. None of us has the capability to just...feel for where Botan is. It's late, we're tired, and we haven't heard anything from the spirit or demon worlds. Well, Hiei's heard from the demon world, but it's probably got more to do with whatever he does for Mukuro than us in general. Tell Genkai about that anyway, though."

"I will," Keiko promised. "You sound like there's something else. Is there anything else?"

"Yes. No. Yes," Yusuke contradicted himself. "Something just has me worried, is all."

"Is it another one of your bothers?" Keiko asked. "You managed to talk about one of them. Try this one."

Yusuke looked warily at the demon passed out on the floor, then said quietly, "Kurama's acting weird."

Keiko waited, then finally asked, "Is that it?"

"That's all I can say that makes sense," Yusuke confessed. "I mean, he's acting normal enough, but usually he isn't this normal."

"You're right. That makes no sense," Keiko said decisively.

"You asked," Yusuke pointed out. "Kuwabara is staring at me with the eyes of a kicked kitten, so would you go get Yukina?"

"I am not," Kuwabara said indignantly.

"Of course you're not," Yusuke said cheerily as Keiko murmured a goodbye he would not have allowed anyone else to hear and keep their entrails, and handed the phone over.

Kuwabara made a face when he realized he had to wait, then put one hand over the mouthpiece and asked Yusuke, "Kurama isn't acting that weird, is he?"

"He's stopped acting perfect," Yusuke replied. "That's usually a bad sign."

Kuwabara didn't reply, instead choosing to embark on a long and embellished version of his day after Yukina's departure for his girlfriend's benefit. Yusuke was less than fascinated, and started poking among the food cartons for remnants. When none appeared, he grabbed the lot and carted them to the trash, from whence he started ransacking the kitchen. The only thing he found, however, was the reason he had ordered out: there was no food in the house that he wanted to even think about eating. He deliberated over beer and cigarettes as a substitute, then decided that the taste combination far outweighed the merit of being a rebel and padded back to the couch. En route he nearly fell over Kurama, which reminded him that it might just be time to go to sleep.

"So you'll meet us there, then?" Kuwabara asked. "Oh, don't worry about me. I have mad skills."

Yusuke choked and turned his face into the couch cushions in order to muffle the laughter. He could feel the dirty look being aimed his way, but after spending a goodly amount of time in Hiei's company, Kuwabara's glare held no terrors for him.

"Yes, well, I'll call you tomorrow. Whose phone are you on, anyway?" Pause. "You mean she actually has a phone?" Another pause. "Here, give me the number. I can't believe she's on the telephone! I mean, what next? Koenma gets a phone number? Now that would make for a weird statement on your phone bill." There was a long silence. "You mean you don't have phone companies over there? Well, how does it work?"

"Kuwabara," Yusuke growled into the couch. "No one cares about demon phone systems."

"Yusuke objects to being left out of this conversation," Kuwabara said magnanimously. "Tell me when I call you back, all right? Yes." He then dissolved into a round of thoroughly mushy farewells which made Yusuke rather disappointed that Hiei had left. Seeing his face for the duration of those one-sided farewells would have made the entire day worth it in a heartbeat, though the interchange between the two demons some hours earlier was currently carrying that honour and showed no sign of being replaced.

"At least we know that Yukina will never feel neglected," Yusuke said after Kuwabara had hung up. "Look, it's some ungodly hour in the morning and there are zombies attacking, so what say we get some sleep now before we have to go on the offensive?"

"Sounds good to me," Kuwabara agreed, lounging back in his armchair.

"I will zap you if you snore," Yusuke felt compelled to add, slapping the lights off but leaving the television going on mute. He settled more comfortably onto the couch and dragged one arm over his eyes in prelude to sleep, then put his arm aside and crawled over the couch arm instead. "Kurama. Hey, Kurama, wake up."

"Wake up, go to sleep, pick one," Kuwabara muttered.

"No, you go to sleep. Come on, Kurama, I know you can't possibly sleep that deeply. Wake up, will you?"

Kurama finally twitched, blinked, then stared at Yusuke blearily. "I wasn't asleep."

"Of course, you were awake in the way where you had your eyes closed and were totally unaware of everything that goes on," Yusuke teased. "There is no way that you can be comfortable sleeping on the floor."

"'M fine," Kurama said. "I'm not asleep," he added, and closed his eyes.

Yusuke waited thirty seconds, then looked at Kuwabara. "Do you believe him? Because I don't believe him."

"Does it matter?" Kuwabara reasoned. "If he doesn't want to move, then don't bother."

Yusuke waited another thirty seconds, poked Kurama's shoulder with no response, then settled back on the couch with a muttered "If you can't move in the morning, it's not my fault."

It was many hours later that Yusuke finally cracked an eyelid open and made a faint scrabbling motion in the hopes that he would find coffee within reach. When there was none, he opened his other eye and sat up with a groan. "Whatimizzit?" he asked, not expecting anyone to answer.

"About eleven in the morning," Kurama said anyway.

"GAH," Yusuke announced, dropping his head into his hands. "You just keep taking years off my life, don't you?"

"I didn't ask you to the first time around," Kurama told him.

"Yeah, I'm good like that. Screwing up demonic plans to order," Yusuke retorted. "Please tell me you made coffee." When Kurama nodded, Yusuke vaulted the back of the couch and started for the kitchen. "How long have you been awake, anyway? And do not tell me you didn't sleep. You were asleep, dammit. You scared me for a minute because I thought you'd died without letting us know."

Kurama decided not to argue the point. "A few hours. The zombies made the news, as you probably guessed. The activity died down over the night, though they still seem to be around. It's getting harder to find them, because they act so much like normal people. The decay is usually all that tips people off. No one really knows what to do. I mean, it's not like there are any convenient warlords with armies at their beck and call over here, and no one really wants to report it because...well, they're zombies and it makes no sense. The entire medical community doesn't know whether to rejoice or check into a sanatorium."

"I assume you found the shower," Yusuke added, squinting at Kurama's hair. "Good idea. Zombie funk is not a pleasant thing to have wafting from your skin and hair."

"Citric acid," Kurama said inexplicably.

"What?"

Kurama looked innocent. "A thing one learns when one deals with dead bodies is that usually some kind of mild acid is required to get the smell out. Try citric acid."

"Don't explain," Yusuke ordered, gulping his first cup of coffee. "I don't care what you do now, but don't explain."

"Of course not," Kurama replied, a smile growing on his face.

Yusuke started for his room, intent on new clothes, then paused. "You're wearing different clothes."

"Do you want another cup of coffee?" Kurama asked, looking faintly amused. "It's not like I'm penniless at the moment," he added in explanation.

"Don't play with my head like that at this early hour, either," Yusuke added, and stalked into the shower. Kurama looked at the ceiling and waited. Two minutes later, Yusuke poked a dripping head out of the bathroom door. "Where the hell did you get citric acid, anyway? Another of your mysterious money-laden forays?"

"I generated it," Kurama informed him.

Yusuke blinked. "That sounds kinky. Generate some in a form I can use, would you?" There was a pause wherein Yusuke fielded two lemons, their skins still sizzling with youki. "Thanks. You're the best," Yusuke confided, then closed the door.

Kurama rubbed his temples. "You know, I have no idea where I got those from," he remarked to the kitchen at large, then started attacking his hair with his fingers.

When Yusuke emerged from the shower, Kurama was twisting various odd-looking seeds back into his hair and Kuwabara was talking enthusiastically on the phone. "Now that? That is just weird. But at least it's news. News is something we can do stuff with," Kuwabara chattered.

"Can we hear this news?" Kurama inquired.

"I don't even know what it is," Kuwabara said. "But Yukina says that Koenma has it and to get us."

"We're here," Yusuke pointed out. "What is it?"

Kuwabara sighed. "No, I mean that he didn't even tell Yukina and the others. Yukina agreed to meet us in the spirit world the next time we went, and she'd come back with us from there. She's about to leave now for Koenma's, so we had better get out of here too."

Yusuke firmly removed the phone from Kuwabara's grip. "Hi, Yukina. We'll go in a bit, but first we have to talk your boyfriend into doing something about the zombie smell that loves him like whoa."

"Is he always like this when he first wakes up?" Kurama asked Kuwabara. "Or is it the zombies that did it?"

"The zombie smell that loves me like whoa," Kuwabara repeated blankly.

Kurama leaned forwards conspiratorially. "You know, you do kind of smell like a zombie."

"Have a lemon," Yusuke added, clapping one into Kuwabara's hand. "Yes, Yukina, that was what I just said. Yes, you will indeed be receiving a lemony fresh boyfriend to order."

Kurama was suddenly seized with a highly suspicious fit of coughing. "Yusuke, either you've had too much coffee or not enough," he finally managed.

"Not enough," Yusuke said, heading for the kitchen with the phone. "Yukina, I don't suppose you could find someone to make it easier to get to the spirit world for us? You can? Wonderful. Yes, we'll be out of here in half an hour if Kuwabara gets a move on!"

Kuwabara had never been good at taking hints or threats, but Yusuke somehow managed to make himself understood. "I'm going, I'm going! But what is the lemon for?"

Aren't you glad that you read that in context?

True to Yusuke's word, the three of them were waiting at one of the gates in the spirit world half an hour and a few wrong turns later. "I hate coming here without Botan," Yusuke said with a sigh. "It's always so complicated. And I have a feeling that this just might be the easy way in."

"Think they'd let us through faster if I showed them my rei-ken?" Kuwabara asked innocently.

Yusuke rolled his eyes. "I'm getting to the point where I'll think that's a good idea. Ask me again in a bit. Hey, Kurama, you want to bribe these guys or what?"

Kurama didn't move for about ten seconds, then blinked and stripped something from under his hair. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Yusuke blinked at what Kurama held, then cast his eyes upwards again. "Here we are, heading to see the ruler of the spirit world about a zombie infestation, and he brings an iPod."

"It wasn't deliberate," Kurama protested. "I just...had it on me earlier. And I'm not very entertained right now."

Yusuke did the only thing that he could under the circumstances, which was to ask that question posed to all people who listen to iPods in public: "So what are you listening to?"

Ten minutes later, Kurama was picking at the tiling on the gate while Kuwabara and Yusuke listened to one of the few demon songs that had been converted to a file format that the iPod understood. The guard who walked in at this moment was understandably bewildered. "You can come through now," she finally said.

"Oh good," said Kurama, leaving the tiles alone under her watchful eye.

"About time," Yusuke added, pulling the earbuds away from himself and Kuwabara and absently shoving the iPod in a pocket. This did not stop Kurama from going back to listening to his music three steps down the hall. "When did you – I know I would have felt – I thought I was good," Yusuke finally spluttered, patting his pockets ineffectively.

Kurama smiled sunnily at him. "But I'm better."

They were all sitting unhappily at another gate when a much more senior looking guard came trotting up. "You're Urameshi Yusuke, aren't you?"

Yusuke nodded. "Can we go see Koenma now or what? It's not like he didn't ask to see us."

"I'm aware," the senior guard said dryly. "Come on, we're going."

"Did we come in the seriously difficult way?" Yusuke asked conversationally as they passed two more gates. "Because this is a little ridiculous."

The guard looked around furtively, then sighed. "We tightened security not because we're protecting someone, but because we're protecting information. We just don't want it to get out, you see."

"What?" Yusuke pressed, but the guard would say no more.

"The hells are open," Koenma said when, upon their arrival, Yusuke confronted him.

"That sounds bad," said Kuwabara. These were the first coherent syllables he'd gotten out since being reunited with Yukina.

"It is bad," Yukina replied. "I've been hearing about it for some time now, in great detail."

Koenma ignored her. "Our necromancer is a powerful one. You see, to break open the seals on the hells, someone has to either call the souls within to themselves or to the bodies of the deceased. The latter is the case here. It seems that not having a body to return to is not an issue here at least in getting the souls out of the hells. Those souls may yet be pulled back here if we can manage to close the hells back up. However, it's not been an easy task. Usually we would have every single person here working on it. But nothing this major has happened since my father..." Koenma fidgeted. "Actually, nothing this major has really happened in my lifetime. And since I'm missing a lot of key people, I'm not sure what to do next except go after the necromancer himself."

"A lot of key people?" Kurama asked. "Who are they?"

Koenma looked as troubled as his baby face could manage. "I dispatched four ferry girls to try exorcism. I dispatched Botan first, but when she...I suppose 'disappeared' would be a good word...I sent three more girls both to find her and try exorcising the zombies. None of them have come back. Speaking of people being missing, I thought Hiei was with you. Where did he go?"

"He left," Yusuke said. "I'd guess that it was to Mukuro's."

"I thought he just went there!" Koenma complained. "Didn't he just go there?"

Kuwabara blinked. "What, yesterday? Not unless it was a hell of a short trip."

Koenma made a frustrated noise and slouched back in his chair. "Please tell me that he's nowhere near as unpredictable as he seems."

"I would make a disparaging comment involving hell, but you seem to have had enough trouble with that for one day," Yusuke added helpfully. "He's usually specific enough, and when he's not, he's usually not that hard to locate. Either he's with someone we know, or we fall over him at some later point because he has this odd habit of stalking us."

"Then would someone let me in on the list of someones?" Koenma asked. "Never mind. You seem to know where he is and think he'll come back, and I trust your judgement. Anyway, I've received a message from our necromancer in which he names himself and asks me to quietly surrender myself to his will so that he can benevolently rule all three worlds without an issue. He seems to think that the spirit world is too inefficient without the undead involved, or something like that."

"Can we hear it, then?" Yusuke asked.

Koenma agreed, "Certainly. Jorge! Where's that threatening letter I just got?"

"Here!" Jorge bustled in and presented the letter to the group, then plopped a file folder on Koenma's desk. "This is the file on our necromancer."

"All right," Koenma said, shaking out the piece of paper and starting to read. "Jorge, this is the threatening letter from the Sovereign State of the Locust People."

"Sorry," Jorge apologized, taking the letter away. "It must have been in the same folder."

While he was gone, Yusuke looked disbelievingly at Koenma. "The Sovereign State of the Locust People?"

"Yes," Koenma said. "Your world. They're not happy with me."

"So it seems," Kurama agreed.

Koenma glanced up. "Ah, Jorge. That is the correct letter, I assume?"

"Smells like zombie funk and expensive cologne," Yusuke detected, sniffing the letter as it passed. "Not too many options there."

Koenma tried to look unamused as he accepted the letter and began again to read. "'My dear Koenma-sama, greetings. My name is El Zorromancer' –" Here Koenma had to stop and wait for Kuwabara to get his laughter under control. Yukina finally thumped him on the back with a glowing hand, which seemed to give Kuwabara the last little edge he needed to stop giggling like a maniac. "Thank you, Yukina. 'My name is El Zorromancer and I would like to ask for a cessation of all hostile overtures on your part. In my past attempts at ruling, there has been no opposition from the dead or from most of the living. The reason that these attempts were just that is because many spirit world people found it their duty to bring great harm to my dears, my offspring, my subjects I suppose you would say.'" Koenma looked up again. "He gets very expansive and impassioned there, and it's difficult to translate. 'My reasons for making this move are twofold. My first reason is one that has dated back to my first attempt at rule, which is that I find the spirit world's treatment of the deceased to be inefficient at best. I do not argue that your sorting and filing techniques are superb, but you seem to have very little control once the paperwork is finished. I also note that your control over the human and demon worlds are equally lacking, requiring you to recruit uncommonly powerful teenage humans and irredeemably criminal demons in order to keep things in check. I have sent similar letters to the demon rulers and one more to the prime minister in the human world. I assure you that I would have no reason to fire any of you if I were to come to power, as I would certainly need everyone's help for the first few hundred years until I am thoroughly established.'"

There was a pause. "I might feel offended if I thought it was worth it," Kurama finally said. "I'm not irredeemable. I thought we'd already established that just by my presence here not being bound into hallucination with wards like some other times I could mention."

"And yet I always seem to lose cheap ballpoint pens when you are in the room," Koenma said, so quietly that no one but Jorge caught it. He added, more loudly and with some irritation, "I could have gotten older help from more approved sources, but they work." This seemed to be addressed to the letter, as though it could hear this reply. "Why does everyone complain about them now that they've proven that they work?"

"Because we're no longer needed," Yusuke said critically. "People complain when they forget their fear, or when they never knew that it existed. Is there more?"

Koenma sighed again. "Yes. 'In addition, I would like to remind you that yesterday was the year change in the Calendar of the Great Twonk, bringing us now to the year 666. I find that this is an auspicious year, but will try not to emulate the downfall of the leader represented. I may, however, decide to use a few of his other tricks.' All right, I don't know what he means there. Who knows what he means with that?"

"Nero," Kurama piped up while everyone else looked blank. "He was a very unstable emperor in Rome rather a long time ago. He poisoned a few people, more or less twiddled his thumbs while Rome burned to the ground, then built some pretty building or other when it was all over. I don't particularly remember the specifics, to be honest."

"And what does Nero have to do with the Tweak Calendar?" Kuwabara asked.

"Twonk," Koenma corrected.

"He doesn't," Kurama answered. "It's just that 666 can be interpreted as 'Nero'. Of course, it can also be interpreted as 'Barney the Purple Dinosaur', though I'm not too clear on how that works, either."

There was a brief pause. "Anyway," Koenma finally said, deciding that staring disbelievingly at Kurama for much longer might not be a safe idea. "There are only a few more lines. 'I hope you will consider my request, my dear Koenma-sama, though of course I will understand if you do not. Trust that if I do manage to get a hold of your four boys, I will return them to you unharmed...if not necessarily alive, when they are no longer of use to me. Until then! I remain, my dear Koenma-sama, your faithful servant, El Zorromancer.'"

"I get the feeling that he's laughing at you," Yusuke pointed out.

"Well, he's wrong about the Calendar," Koenma said. "I'm almost certain that it's the year 686. The calendar started in the year that the demon world first developed a complex computer. It's a very simple equation, too, so he can't have been deceived all these years. I'm thinking he just was looking for a quick excuse. Besides, it's fairly well known that the Number of the Beast is 616, if he was aiming for that shock factor."

"What was the equation?" Jorge asked, pulling out a piece of paper and a very extravagant-looking pen of the sort that looked like it could walk, talk, refill itself, and go to the moon without outside assistance. It was possible that it had a small gasoline-powered engine.

Koenma recited it, which sent Jorge off in a frenzy of mental maths. Everyone watched the pen expectantly and no one was surprised when Jorge had to use a pull-string to get it going in preparation for writing. "Koenma-sama," Jorge said after a handful of scribbles, "I am getting 666."

"What?" Koenma and Jorge both pored over the equation. "Well, it looks in order," Koenma said doubtfully, leading everyone else to crowd around and peer at the writing. It was glowing.

"Can I see?" Kurama asked, taking a cheap ballpoint out of a pocket and pulling the cap off with his teeth. Kurama tapped the last segment of the equation with the pen tip meditatively, then corrected one small thing. "You forgot to carry the two," he informed Jorge, recapping the pen but still gnawing on it thoughtfully. "It is 686. The rest of the maths is sound."

"That," Yusuke said, "is maddening. I hate when I make that kind of mistake. It's worse when someone corrects it."

"You wanted to know," Kurama said apologetically around the pen.

"You know," Koenma said, looking much struck, "I don't think I'm so very worried about this guy after all."

This opinion was not quite shared by one of the rulers of the demon world, but it was close enough. In any event, Mukuro and Hiei had read El Zorromancer's letter to them with no small amount of disbelief. It had run along similar lines, but had included the useful information about the hells being opened and would they be interested in taking a look to know that he was serious? Hiei had deemed this a worthy task and was now wandering around the reikai in an effort to deliberately find the hells. As this was something few people ever wanted to do, the whereabouts were neither general knowledge nor easy to find. And, of course, there was no guarantee that he'd be able to get in.

Of course, the hells had never been opposed to having fresh blood go wandering in. It helped that said fresh blood was a walking hellfire generator, too. Thus, just when Hiei was about to go find and harass a guard for the location, the path he was on dropped away under his feet. He scrambled back hastily, then glared at the chasm. "You were not there a minute ago."

The chasm smoked innocently and exuded a sense of timelessness. It was a bit like a valley of doomfire tweed.

Hiei considered. Given that the chasm seemed to have an ability to open, close, and possibly move itself around, just walking into it might not have been the brightest idea. But he was certain that even if this entrance went away, there had to be another one into Koenma's palace. Besides, it wasn't like he wasn't on at least companionable terms with the fires of hell. And there seemed to be a lot of fire down there.

As Hiei more or less slid down the side of the chasm, he noticed something odd. All the stories he'd heard about the hells had said that the outsides were usually quite tidy, with walkways and charms and seals keeping everything in its place. Their necromancer had obviously done quite a job, because the walkways were in pieces, the doors to all the separate hells were broken open, and the whole place looked incredibly empty. It almost looked harmless, if one didn't mind the fact that outside each broken door were equally broken-looking torments, cast off and left behind by the ones they had held.

It was this very emptiness that made the faint screams he heard so very odd. Hiei glanced up in hopes of seeing the chasm behaving itself. He saw no evidence of the skies closing over on him or of the chasm having moved somewhere else, so he started following the screams curiously. If the necromancer had been powerful enough to do this, it made no sense that there were still people trapped inside the hells.

The people he found made even less sense. They had found a fiery pit and were taking turns dipping their limbs into it, then jerking them back out. A handful more had dragged some of the spikier-looking torture tools over to the group and walked around poking at some of the unsuspecting would-be fire-walkers. Occasionally someone fell into the flames and had to be rescued. The whole thing was accompanied by a lot of screaming and had the air of a really hardcore party. The only things missing were the black lights, liquid latex, and Jell-o shots.

"What the hell is this?" Hiei asked, then winced at the irony of his words. "What are you doing here if you've been freed?" he continued.

The two people – one human, one demon – near him both turned to look at him blankly. The others in the circle all followed suit. It was one of the torture-tool wielders that spoke, however. "We live here, and they came to us," it said, hoisting its tool over its shoulder. Up close, the tool resembled a meter-long, metal-plated, carnivorous banana. "Our bodies are well resistant to these things, and so are these sub-creatures," it added, kicking one of the mute humans in the circle hard in the back. The human fell forward into the fire and landed with a tremendous shriek.

"It's a live one," said another one of the creatures, standing up from the circle and walking towards Hiei. Up close, its gender was still not apparent, though it could now be seen to hold a metallic flail. "We like the live ones that come to look. If we kill them, they just wake right back up. They're not half so much fun after that, though. They were all live ones that came to look. The ones with the empty eyes." It gestured with the flail at the circle. "Sometimes we push each other in."

Hiei scanned the circle quickly. There were fifteen or twenty of the genderless creatures in total. Up close, they felt like demons, though one he'd never seen before. There were another six or seven humans and five other demons, all looking at him without intelligence or comprehension. "What are you?" he inquired as more and more of the unknown demons rose and started towards him, a bright, brittle curiosity showing on their silvery faces.

"I like his voice," said the one with the flail thoughtfully. "Better leave his vocal cords intact. He'll scream wonderfully, you see."

There was a long moment where Hiei wondered if this was all some deranged hallucination. He'd had stranger ones in the past. "What?"

"I like his body," said one of the more recently arrived ones. "Bet he's a fighter."

Yet another demon paced towards him, then walked in a tight circle around him before speaking. "I like his eyes," it finally confided, biting what looked like a fan thoughtfully. "He has so many. When he falls to pieces, can I keep his eyes?"

Hiei decided that his personal space had been abused enough for the day and made to shove the demon circling him into the fire pit. Two more of the silvery demons grabbed one hand each before the motion could be completed, despite the speed at which he had tried to propel the fan-holding one away. "Don't touch me," Hiei whispered, black fire heating his skin and sending the smell of cooked meat up from their fingers.

Neither captor so much as flinched. "I like his skin," said the one on the right.

"His hands," said the one on the left. "Feel the calluses. You were right; he's a fighter, this one."

There was a sharp sizzling noise which was almost obliterated by the roar of black fire. "I told you not to touch me!" Hiei snarled when the fire died down, leaving two less silvery demons in the crowd.

"They'll be back," said the one who had first spoken to him. "How kind of you to use as a weapon the very thing that makes us. There's little work for us here now, and many have gone elsewhere. But we decided to stay here and mind the fort. We do enjoy ourselves," it added with a metallic smile. "And we know you, and we know your power. The fire is in you, the fire that we like so much. So burn us, fight us, destroy our bodies all – unless you can find your way out before we find you again, it won't do you much good."

"No, not in the least," said another one.

Hiei stared. "I killed you," he whispered. "I killed you."

The demon beamed. "Considering the circumstances, should you be surprised?"

"Who wanted his skin?" yelled the demon with the fan. "Come on, step lively. I want his eyes, dammit!"

"You see their impatience?" asked the first of the demons. "Come, join the others who wandered in here alive. A little pain, a little pleasure. These things are all that they feel. These things are all that they need to feel."

Hiei pulled the knot on the back of his headband apart and slid his fingers down to the hilt of his sword, then waited for the first blow that he could already see coming. Maybe they couldn't be killed by any means available to him, but Hiei had always been hard-pressed to find something that he couldn't at least slow down.

In Koenma's office, yet another alarm went off. "Hellfire," said Koenma blackly after surveying a handheld screen.

"That's not a good swear at the moment," Yusuke pointed out.

"I'm being literal," Koenma said. "We're getting an upsurge of hellfire in one of the corners closer to the palace. If they keep that up, they're paying for the repairs," he added to Jorge. "Go tell them that, will you?"

"Erm," said Jorge. "If you don't mind, I'll wait until the hellfire dies down."

"Who's 'they'?" Yusuke asked tightly.

"Oh, some of the torments need to actually have someone to set their hands to it. We created demons from the hellfire itself. They're a part of it and they love to either create more or find some source of it and exploit it whenever they can. Since they're all more or less unemployed right now, they're pretty much partying all day and all night with the stuff."

Kurama flicked a look at Yusuke, then said, "Why don't you let us go argue with them? I'm sure we can be a bit more convincing."

"We can even be a lot more convincing," Yusuke added, already edging for the doors.

"Would you like me to come?" Yukina inquired. "I'm sure I could be useful."

"Actually, the fire is very resistant to any competing youki or reiki," Koenma said, eyes narrowed. "Kurama, I don't think that you should volunteer for this either – "

Yusuke grabbed Kurama's shoulder and started to back towards the door. "No, no, I'll take him. Kuwabara, why don't you just stay here? And which way are we going?"

Koenma stared at their disappearing figures, then looked at Yukina and Kuwabara in utter confusion. "What was that?"

Yukina smiled at him. "I think they had suspicions about someone they know who likes to use the fires of hell as a weapon, but they didn't want to involve us all in case they were wrong. I know that people such as them," she added thoughtfully, "hate looking foolish in front of others."

Yusuke skidded to a halt by the entrance to the hells from the palace, squinting into the haze.

"Ow," Kurama said plaintively, tugging his arm out of Yusuke's grip and rotating his shoulder. "Why did you bring me and not Kuwabara? I mean, I trust – "

"I didn't want to waste time explaining and he hadn't connected the dots yet," Yusuke said absently, not paying much attention to why Kurama had abruptly stopped talking. "He'll be here in a bit, I'm sure. Now, do you know where we're going?"

There was a very conspicuous lack of red-haired fox demons.

"Hell," said Yusuke feelingly, and ran forwards into the smoke.

IT'S NOT MINE. Okay, done.

Bluespark: Kurama is a naughty, naughty boy when he feels like it.

Manda Podima: Yay! Funny zombies. Wait until you meet (spoiler).

KyoHana: I love the demons, but the humans are too funny to pass up writing for. (I have a sekrit yen for being inside Yusuke's brain. Ahaha.)

kikira-chan: Shizuru makes me happy.

Evene: You've stumbled on my evil plan to make your brain explode! Oh noes!

Aithril the Elf-Maiden: BWAHAHA. I am all-seeing. And I didn't need madcap eye-brain surgery to do it!

A lilmatchgirl: When the sod walked up and presented me with that idea, I have to admit my response was "WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY?"

Kooriya Yui: Edward Scissorhands. Rocks. And don't let your brain die.

Nyte Kit: I'm so ridiculously glad this is done beforehand. I'm still poking at my other two ongoing fics and feeling depressed about them.

MikaSamu: I'm baack!

I am all-seeing like whoa! Review please.