The fact that I don't own YYH has nothing to do with this duct tape I'm holding. At all.

chapter five: in which the plot twists

El Zorromancer bid his latest charge goodbye, then got up and hung an 'Out for Lunch' sign on the door quickly, before anyone else could show up. It was a fun job, but it had its tiring moments. The paperwork was also getting to be a hassle. He resolved to engage a secretary in short order, as it seemed that he wasn't going to be getting the incredible paperwork skills of the spirit world at his beck and call just yet.

One sandwich and a microwaved cup of ramen later, a small knot of the undead had built up outside his office yet again. El Zorromancer smiled and removed the 'Out to Lunch' sign, then ushered in his next client.

"I don't suppose you have secretarial training," he said as a greeting.

The undead demon looked at him with a bloodless face. "No, I don't," he said, looking a bit perplexed but more than a bit amused. However, guessing at expressions were touch and go, being as a metal mask had been squished onto the lower part of his face. "You wouldn't happen to know someone who could repair this?" he countered, touching the mask. "It was badly damaged in the events leading up to my death."

"I could do some research," El Zorromancer replied, taking out a Post-It and scribbling a note to himself. He stuck the Post-It into the small but growing line of other, similar requests, then asked, "Exsanguination?"

"Ah. Yes," said the demon blankly.

El Zorromancer pulled out his ledger and made a note, then gave the demon a once-over. "Your youki is still intact, so I shan't need to restore that. Superficial injuries I can fix, or you can wait them out. You'll be able to heal small injuries, but things like bones broken, amputations, or organ removals will require a trip to see myself. You won't have to worry about a reappearance of decay, either. Your body will sustain itself in a sort of closed-circuit loop."

The demon nodded. "I see. You seem to have a system where we all return later. May I ask when you would expect me back?"

El Zorromancer smiled at him. "You will know when you should head back."

The demon appeared to find this agreeable. "And...and if I should ask you to do these things for me now?" he added, his eyes crinkling in what might have been a creepy smile if the mask had not been in the way.

Lacing his fingers together, El Zorromancer let his own smile curl into its full, disturbingly feline glory. "If you ask me to do this thing now, and I object, I detect that you will allow those charming objects hovering next to your head to hover near my head instead and ready them for detonation. I...I should advise you quite strongly not to do that, my dear."

The demon seemed to see that El Zorromancer wasn't being facetious. "I think that I approve," he murmured, sounding almost respectful.

"Excellent," said El Zorromancer. "Would you like to leave a name?"

"A name," said the demon. "Karasu."

"And are you in search of anyone in particular to whom I could direct you?" El Zorromancer added.

This time he was certain that Karasu smiled. "There is. Tell me, in your recent travels, have you seen any beautiful boys with red hair?"

Someone fitting that description walked up to a large pit brimming with fire and stared down into its depths without bothering to shield his eyes. He was too preoccupied with tracking the black blur that moved almost invisibly from silver sexless critter to silver sexless critter, reducing each to pieces which quickly burned away. When the last critter had vaporized, the black blur collected itself into Hiei, who put one hand to his forehead and looked around quickly.

"Are you looking for this?" Kurama held out a white strip of cloth between two fingers, high enough that only sparks reached it. When Hiei stared at him in what looked like total disbelief, he added, "Did you even know you ended up down there?"

There was another blur and Hiei snapped the cloth from Kurama's fingers. "Why are you here?"

"Koenma didn't like the idea of having his gate into here covered in burn marks, for some reason," Kurama said with perfect truth. "He sent Yusuke out here to tell his hellfire creatures to stop."

"I asked why you were here," Hiei added. "You don't much like fire, do you?"

"It depends," Kurama said, "on the kind of fire. Are they putting themselves back together?"

"They do that," said Hiei, eyes focusing on the closest one.

There was a bright flash of light, after which there were abruptly no silver creatures putting themselves back together. "Not any more, they don't," Yusuke announced. "Hi, Hiei. So the letter Koenma got said that this guy was sending similar missives to all the rulers he could find. Is that why you're here?"

"Yes. I wanted to know if he really had opened all the hells. He twice said that he had done so, but I never saw any sign of it," Hiei replied, shoving his sword away and knotting the strip of cloth over his third eye. "So I decided to see for myself."

"Good show," Yusuke said approvingly. "Now can we leave? Exit's over there, unless you want to go back the way you came."

Hiei looked up, then back at Yusuke. "I don't think that the way I came exists any longer. This place...it likes having people wander into it, but I don't think it likes letting people out."

"I'm not surprised. Let's go," Yusuke said, heading back through the smoke. "We kind of left without much of an explanation."

"We'll certainly be returning with one," Kurama muttered before breaking into racking coughs.

Yusuke blinked, then reached back and dragged Kurama up next to him. "You all right?"

"You're a habitual smoker and Hiei's a fire demon," Kurama pointed out breathlessly. "I'm neither. I'm fine."

"I am not a habitual smoker," Yusuke said indignantly. "I go for long, extended periods without cigarettes. You know, like six months or so. And then when I don't need my lungs so much..."

"And Hiei says I get soft," Kurama muttered as they all stared up at the gate. "How do we open this thing? It does open, doesn't it?"

There was a moment of silence where they all contemplated the odds of the gate into hell being operational from the fiery side.

"We didn't think this through, did we?" Yusuke asked Kurama.

Kurama shrugged. "You must be rubbing off on me."

Yusuke stared at him in total disbelief. "We are trapped in hell and all you can say is that I'm rubbing off on you?"

"We're not that trapped," Hiei said, eyeing the opening gap in the gate. "But no. You didn't think this through at all. And yet your collective luck wins out again."

"Don't argue with the collective luck," Yusuke warned as Kurama bit down another fit of coughing and slipped through the gap in the doors. "Skinny bastard," he added.

"Just because I don't contrive to artfully shred my clothing during fights," Kurama replied innocently, "you all think I am entirely devoid of muscle."

Yusuke decided that the best response to this was to completely ignore it. Hiei apparently agreed, as they both managed to edge through the gap without further comment. That was as far as they got before the compulsion to speak overtook them both.

"Gah," said Yusuke. "My eyes," he added blankly.

"What, precisely, are you doing?" Hiei demanded.

Kuwabara glanced up from his flaunting of muscle for Yukina's benefit. "I am demonstrating my physical prowess."

"He felt that merely opening the gates manually was insufficient," Yukina chipped in. "What have you been doing?"

"Wishing that I would never see a closed gate ever again in my life," Yusuke said bitterly. "That place is entirely on fire, or at least around here it is. Doesn't Koenma have some kind of sprinkler system in there?"

"There are places where it certainly isn't on fire," Hiei said meditatively, "but I didn't get a chance to see them."

Kurama had been leaning on the wall and breathing with great care. "Did you really want to?"

Yusuke grabbed the manual crank and began working it back around, swinging the gates shut with one last gust of smoke. "What, Koenma couldn't be bothered to do this himself?"

"I think he's still wondering why we all went running off," Yukina suggested, peering at Kurama with concern. "You don't look very well."

"I'm not, but in fifteen minutes I should be," Kurama estimated. "Thank you, though. Are you staying with us, or were you going somewhere?" he added to Hiei.

"He stays," Yusuke announced authoritatively. "You all stay, at least for the time being. Now, which way gets us back to Koenma's office?"

Several wrong turns later, they found Koenma reading one page of the file on El Zorromancer and Jorge perusing another. "I smell smoke," Jorge said without looking up.

"That would be us," Yusuke announced. "Someone should do something about that fire."

"It's not the only place on fire," Koenma said, setting his piece of paper aside. "Jorge! Show them the overhead of – "

"It's the human world, isn't it?" Yusuke asked sharply. "Isn't it?" he repeated. When Koenma nodded, he pursued, "Is it deliberate or accidental?"

"With no one in the city, an accidental fire could rage out of control easily," Kurama said quietly. "And I don't think that we pay the police or the fire department even close to enough for them to stay where there are zombies."

"We don't get paid," Kuwabara noted. "We really should get paid."

"I don't get paid," Jorge piped up. "Why is that?"

Koenma glared. "Will someone just go back to the human world and look at it?"

"We can all go," Yusuke said. "We can split up later if we need to, but that way we're all on the spot if it is the man himself."

"Are you going too?" Koenma asked Yukina, who had been standing off to one side.

"Yes," Yukina answered. "I'm coming because you have no reason not to include me," she added. "I am not at your level of power, but I will certainly be better than most human or demon undead slaves. I will not get in the way should the necromancer find us."

"What if he takes you as a hostage?" Kuwabara asked.

Yukina considered. "Most higher-level demons do not take hostages in the way you think. They may offer a life for another life, but they won't use demons as a shield against other demons. Too often, both the hostage and the hostage-taker are killed. Demons do not arbitrarily value other demons' lives like humans do with their own."

"She's got a point there," Yusuke agreed slowly. "And you are a demon."

"All right," Koenma said loudly, hoping to get them on the move before something else happened. "Hiei, what did Mukuro think about that letter?"

Hiei blinked. "It was quite odd. They had to know that we'd refuse, and we did. It seemed like more of something to get us involved, rather than to get our permission. Like he was trying to draw me into it. He knew she'd either send me to investigate or I'd go on my own account."

"As I would, of course, ask Yusuke to look into this," Koenma agreed. "What about Kurama and Kuwabara? Do you think he's trying to get them into this?"

Hiei looked mildly startled to be having a tactical conversation with Koenma. "Yes. He was probably counting on you asking all three of them to look into this, and even if you didn't, Yusuke would at least get Kuwabara. I think he would have found someone to get Kurama involved if need be. There are a lot of people who don't like him very much who have died," Hiei said thoughtfully. "Or, instead, liked him very much. The end result would be the same."

"Then there is an advantage to my presence," Yukina picked up. "He won't count on my being there. I don't think we'll have much of an element of surprise, but it might rattle his plans just enough to give us a better chance."

"Wait," Kuwabara protested. "So he doesn't just want us out of the way? He wants us involved?"

"Of course," Kurama replied. "If a necromancer doesn't want to be bothered by someone, he doesn't kill them. He can do a number of other incapacitating things. If he wants to use someone, he kills them. That's especially true of this one. He's reviving people without abandon. He doesn't know who he's resurrecting, and he's barely controlling them. Killing us would do him very little good if he wants us stopped."

"Why would a necromancer want to use us?" Kuwabara pressed.

Yusuke's eyes were focused on something off to the right as he spoke. "You heard him say that he wants to surpass the spirit world as a ruler. If he wants to enforce his power, it seems that he has the power to more or less get his kind to agree with him. It's the living he'll have trouble with, though I don't know if he means to leave anyone alive. That may be our function. There are a lot of people in the world. Humans couldn't resist if he turned us loose on them, especially if we can't die. After that, we might just be ornamental, to remind people what happens if they act out."

"Eurgh," said Kuwabara. "I don't want to be his killing machine."

"But you know why he does the things he does to us," Yusuke said. "However, considering what we've seen from him, he could just be utterly raving and have sent these letters to us because a dancing purple kumquat told him to."

Hiei rolled his eyes. "Because a certifiably mad necromancer is so much safer than a sane one. They're both dangerous. A mad one because you cannot predict his movements, unless you know what motivates...dancing purple kumquats." There was a pause in which Kurama tried valiantly to keep a straight face. "And a sane one because you also cannot predict his movements, but because he has conviction that there is a reason for what he does. I think that this one is sane."

"Coming from you, that means oh so much," Kuwabara muttered.

Hiei ignored him. "A madman wouldn't feel the need or the desire to even threaten to play the dead off the living."

"I think your definitions of sane and mad are a little out of step with the human world, but I understand what you're getting at," Yusuke said with incredible diplomacy.

Koenma cleared his throat. "Now that you know what you're up against, are you ready to go?"

"If," Kuwabara declared before anyone else could speak. "If and only if you let us through all the gates without waiting, then we are ready to go."

Koenma sighed and summoned a guard. "One last thing," he added, his afterthought sounding troubled already.

"What?" Yusuke asked warily.

"I would like you to find Botan," Koenma said. "She is missing, as you know. It seems likely that she is injured and in need of help at best. Find her and bring her back here, regardless of her condition."

"Perhaps I will be the one to look for her," Yukina said. "I can make sure that she is stable enough to travel, you see."

"We'll all look for her," Kuwabara added. "It'll be on our way. Or we'll make it be on our way."

"I suppose there's one consolation," Kurama said thoughtfully. "We know for certain that she isn't dead."

"Really?" Koenma asked. His tone was somewhere between bewildered and suspicious.

Kurama's eyes narrowed. "Because we can't find her. If she died, she'd be back already. In case you hadn't noticed, the dead are walking around."

Koenma eyed the look on Kurama's face. "Sorry. I'm more used to distrusting you."

"People are," Kurama said, turning away and heading for the door.

"Well, in all fairness, I don't trust him," Kuwabara said hurriedly, pointing at Hiei. "But you're all right."

Kurama waved one hand at him and walked out, but he was reluctantly starting to grin. Kuwabara and Yukina both caught up with the departing demon, and the three of them disappeared down the hallway.

"Argh," said Koenma. "Something wrong with our fox demon, there?"

"Yes, but buggered if I know what it is," Yusuke replied gloomily. "By the way, don't ever do that again. To either of them. They deserve a bit better than that after the time they've had working for you."

There was a long pause. "I'm still here, you know," Hiei finally said uncomfortably.

"Oh good," Yusuke said blithely. "I take this to mean that you'll be coming with us."

Hiei blinked with a sort of stunned but acquiescing expression.

Yusuke started for the exit. "Then let's go," he added, his face darkening. "We'll talk to you again when we have some kind of news. We'll aim for good news, but no guarantees."

"I appreciate it," Koenma sighed.

"You know, Koenma-sama, in this file it says that El Zorromancer once took a poll of recently resurrected undead. Apparently the top five things that they want most, in ascending order, are: a starring role in a zombie flick, a chance at the person who killed them, BRAAAAAINS, lots of money, and really good sex," Jorge read off. "Does that sound useful?"

Koenma looked for support from Yusuke and Hiei, but they had both quietly slipped out around the BRAAAAAINS part of the speech. "Keep reading, Jorge."

The five of them ended up on a ridge overlooking the city. It was quite a dramatic ridge, and they had used it often for various brooding-filled purposes. It was also useful for being able to survey the city without being completely swamped by the smell of burning rubber and decay.

"It's a mess, but not a large one," Yukina said, gazing at the direction of the fire. "At least, it isn't now. I can probably put it out, but if it's some kind of chemical fire, I may only accelerate it. Can you tell what it is?" she asked Hiei, who shook his head wordlessly. "Bother. I suppose I should look at it."

"Let's look for Botan first," Yusuke ordered. "Does anyone have even the faintest idea where she might have gone?"

Kuwabara and Kurama both looked utterly blank. Hiei had the sort of look that contestants on Jeopardy develop when they realize they know the answer from the Disney Films category but aren't sure they want the money that badly. Yukina looked around at her fellow potential answerers, then sighed and said, "We were talking about the undead student we met when she left. She may have gone to look in the same area. I would have."

"Where did you see your zombie, then?" Yusuke asked.

This one Kuwabara could answer. "It's that way," he indicated, sketching the direction in the air. "Should we go?"

"Show us," Yusuke commanded, and Kuwabara did.

They went at a relatively tame pace for them in deference to Yukina's clothes, which were effectively preventing her from hurrying in the way she would have liked. This gave all five of them the full benefit of the smoky air that was liberally perfumed with decay. Yukina alone seemed unaffected, as with her healing skills had probably come a decent immunity to the smell of putrefaction.

"How many dead people are there walking around, to make it smell this bad?" Kuwabara groaned, both hands clapped over the lower end of his face.

"Too many," Yusuke replied unhappily. "Urgh."

Kurama rubbed his hands over his face and swallowed hard. "The heat isn't helping. It had to be summer when this happened, didn't it?"

"Urgh," Yusuke repeated plaintively. "Let's talk about something else. Oh, shit," he added as he caught sight of a decaying body trapped under a rolled-over car. It occasionally twitched spasmodically. "Shit. Oh, God, I have to do something about that." He bit decisively on his lower lip, then strode towards the twitching body.

Kuwabara made a choked noise and wobbled over to lean against the side of a building. Yukina hastily went to his side and put a cool hand against the back of his neck. "Breathe through your mouth. Breathe in. Yes, that's it."

Closing his eyes, Kurama felt his way very carefully into the nearest alley, pulled his hair back as best he could, then threw up in a trash can. "Just think," he muttered to the trash can. "I could've been a nice person and gone in for healing, too. I would have gotten over all this vomiting and general sickness centuries ago." There was a muted flash from the street outside, which sent a gust of air into Kurama's face again. Kurama swore bitterly and retched again, clawing hastily at his hair.

There was a faint sigh as someone pulled his hair out of his face. Kurama would have jumped about five feet had he not been otherwise indisposed. "You wouldn't have liked being a healer. You're a far better thief, anyway."

Kurama coughed, then wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Hiei. I'm fine." Slanting his eyes sideways, he continued, "You look about as good as I feel."

Hiei was, if possible, even whiter than normal. The green tinge really emphasized this look. "Probably."

"Yusuke finish whatever he was going to do for that creature under the car?" Kurama asked, straightening up and in doing so pulling his hair out of Hiei's fingers.

"I wouldn't know," Hiei said, looking fixedly at the wall.

Kurama nodded and left the alley, calling, "What happened out here?"

Hiei held his fingers up to the light and examined the red strands of hair caught between them. Five seconds later he disappeared from the alley, hands in his pockets.

" – I didn't recognize the university badge," Kuwabara was saying as everyone moved. "I don't remember what it was, so that's out. I couldn't have told it to Botan anyway."

"But she could have looked for the nearest one," Yusuke pointed out.

Kurama sighed. "We can't find the nearest university to where Yukina and Kuwabara found the first zombie if we don't go to that place, can we?"

"We could if we had a map," Yusuke said thoughtfully. "But we don't."

"Maybe one of us should go ahead and look around the university?" Yukina suggested.

Yusuke shook his head. "Not a good idea just yet. We can't get into contact with each other once separated, aside from yelling and hoping the wind is blowing in the right direction."

"We need to make Koenma spring for walkie-talkies. Or lessons in telepathy," Kuwabara suggested.

"Telepathy isn't hard," said Hiei blankly.

Kurama cast his eyes to the sky in a motion that suggested he would roll his eyes if he didn't think it was bad for his image. "For you, of course. It would be something of a job for any of us to reply."

"You've done it," Hiei said. "I know you have."

Kurama nodded. "Yes, every time I want a splitting headache of the kind that makes my teeth hurt. This body does not like telepathy."

"Wait. Wait a minute. Who's carrying cell phones? I have one. We all have them," Kuwabara broke in. "And don't talk about telepathy like it's so easy. It's not."

"Yes," Yusuke answered the cell phone question, producing his. "And Hiei, but I think his is on a totally different wavelength."

Hiei blinked. "Different wavelength?"

Yukina smiled. "Our system and your system are probably incompatible, but I would say that it was a difference in technology rather than a difference in wavelength. What about you?" she asked Kurama.

"I have an iPod," Kurama offered.

"Splitting up sounds like a bad idea, then," Yusuke concluded. "But cell phones are good things to have, if we don't run out of battery life first."

There was a bewildered pause. "You still run cell phones on batteries?" Yukina asked. "I am sorry. Oh!" she added, coming to a halt. Everyone else stopped with her. "I've seen this before. What is it?" she asked, looking more closely at a small green spot in the air. Wings and eyes were barely discernible in it.

"No," Kurama whispered. "No. It's impossible." He backed up two steps, then turned on his heel and fled without another word.

Yusuke and Hiei both twigged a second later. "Aw, shit," Yusuke said. "RUN!"

Hiei was gone in less than a second, Yusuke not far behind. Kuwabara and Yukina had made it to the mouth of an alley when the bomb exploded.

I got Hiei to say 'dancing purple kumquats' in all seriousness. I AM GOD.

This chapter shows the first of my OMG WHERE IS THE JAGAN INFORMATION research.

Kurama doesn't artfully shred his clothes. Ever. He wears short sleeves once or twice, and he sort of unbuttons his shirt once during the Dark Tournament. When there are lots of plants in the way. Meanwhile, everyone else is "LOOKIT ME WITHOUT A SHIRT." If I were them, I would be incredibly suspicious. Maybe he got utterly plonked once upon a time and has a really unfortunate tattoo. shot

Please don't hurt me. I...did mention that the preponderence of Karasu-resurrection 'fics out there demanded the appearance of zombie!Karasu...or maybe I didn't...um. runs farther

Nyte Kit: It just sort of...happens. Kurama is...well, he's paranoid and on edge, and here you have the reason.

Bluespark: Now that would be a long-distance phone call.

A lilmatchgirl: Well...hell kind of...exploded. Does that count?

Capella Alpha Aurigae: Hurrah for boarding school! fist of boarding-school And o, Monty Python, how I love your never-ending fountain of ridiculous quotes.

Oya: Problem is, he'll never let her.

KyoHana: Hey presto!

KD EbonyKitty: Spam spam spam spam spam spam...we're MEN. We're MEN in TIIIIIIIGHTS. And yeah, Botan's having a rough time. It's only because I like her! We hurt the ones we love!

kikira-chan: If his points made sense, he'd be the good guy. He's got to be a touch...not all there. Or maybe too much there.

Viridian Magpie: Up lowertadfield! (Wow, there are other people who manage to be simultaneously fond of Good Omens and YYH. That hurts my brain in a happy way.)

please inflate my ego. i need to totally rewrite my college essay. thank you.