Disclaimer: Wicked is copyright of Gregory Maguire and Stephen Schwartz. Harry Potter is copyright of J.K. Rowling.The Granola Bars of Useful Fulfillment belong to Emily (Makoto-47). This story is a spin-off of Miss Cam's Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth which I highly recommend reading.
Ch 7: Words Gone Wild
Abby was grumpily trudging towards her next class "Canon Accuracy: What Can and Can't Happen." She couldn't stand for any more sharp lectures on the virtues and glory of the book and how she ought to be ashamed for having not read it.
She entered the classroom and sat at one of the desks set furthest in the back of room. She intended on snagging a nap before the start of class. Abby quickly drifted off into the world of dreams where she and Fiyero took many long walks on the beach during which he professed his undying love to her.
Lady Bianca marched confidently into the classroom ready to begin ingraining the laws of canon into the heads of her pupils. She motioned for the two Mini-Time Dragons to drop the stacks of papers they were carrying onto her desk. She set the stack she was carrying on her desk as well. Following that the two dragons settled themselves comfortably on the desk.
"Welcome to Canon Accuracy," said Lady Bianca loudly. "I am your professor, obviously. You may call me Lady Bianca. This class is one of the most essential ones you will take here at OWFU. Now, I'd like to begin with a quiz." With that she set a stack of quizzes on the first desk of each row. Hearing the gasps of horror, she added, "This is not for a grade, but enables me to see where you all stand in your knowledge of the plotline for both the book and musical. Similar questions will be on your final exam."
Abby was awakened by a paper sliding onto her head. Taking it off her head she looked at it. Due to her having been asleep when the professor was talking, seeing the words "Canon Accuracy Quiz #1" sent Abby into a state of panic. She urgently raised her hand. Lady Bianca briskly walked towards her.
"Ummm…I didn't know there was a quiz. I'm not prepared for it, so can I like make this up tomorrow or something?" Abby whispered.
Lady Bianca sighed. "I know that like just about every other fangirl you can't help being plagued with fantasies involving a certain Arjiki prince, but when I am speaking I expect your full attention. This quiz is not for grade as I state quite loudly earlier and as I had printed in bold print below the title of the quiz."
"Whew," thought Abby with relief.
"Detention with Frexspar this afternoon at four," Lady Bianca said before moving away.
"Dang it!" thought Abby.
Twenty minutes later the quizzes were all turned in, and Lady Bianca distributed papers from the other stack.
"Canon is the most important thing to take into consideration when writing fanfiction. I've noticed from reading your stories, many of you enjoy tearing it to bits and sticking back together the bits and pieces you like. Also, you all have a terrible habit of adding in things or creating situations which violate the traditional canon. Therefore, I've compiled a list of common canon errors. I expect you all to commit them to memory and never to see them made, especially in my class."
"Facts About Oz You Didn't Know Because…Oh, Wait, They Don't Exist!" read Abby skimming the long list. Among the things listed were "Camelot borders the land of Oz, Tibbett and Crope are straight, Elphaba and Glinda are a couple, the characters of "Wicked" can sing the words to any pop love song, the elusive fourth witch never mentioned in the book or musical is you."
Lady Bianca went on to pass out syllabuses for the class. As she discussed the purpose and goals of the class, she paced around the classroom; enthusiastically rapping her pointer on whatever desk or student she happened to be closet to. Abby was ready to die of boredom. When it came time for the class to end, Abby scribbled down the reading assignment. She bolted out the classroom in the direction of the dining hall; it was lunch time, and she was starving. Some girl ran past her wailing.
Not caring about anything but ending the rumbling of her stomach, Abby hurried into the room and fell directly into large body of water. Several splashes followed as other members of Abby's class stepped into the same pool.
Abby sputtered out the water that had filled her mouth when she had opened it to express her shock. The water tasted salty. Abby managed to swim over to a portion of the floor not submerged underneath three feet of water. She noticed a large amount of water coming from the direction the crying girl had just run off in. She realized she'd just been swimming in a pool of tears. Something extremely weird was going on thought Abby.
---
Lady Bianca thought the same as she turned right walking to her next class. She saw no classrooms, only passages which were all on the right side of the hall. She was very familiar with the university's layout, and she was quite sure that there was no right of passages. She turned down one of the passages only to be confronted with more passages which, again, were all on the right. "This is ridiculous," she thought. Upon going through one more passage with the same results, she decided she was going to go mad before she ever got out of the ongoing chain of passages.
---
Dr. Dillamond was equally confused when he walked into the lavatory and found there were no toilets or sinks. The place very much resembled a laboratory where he usually conducted his research or experiments. "How very strange," thought the doctor. To be sure his eyes weren't deceiving him he walked out and read the sign outside the door. It said, "Lavatory" quite clearly. He walked in again; the room still looked like a lab.
"Perhaps since the lavatory is a laboratory, the laboratory is a lavatory," the Goat reasoned. He left for his lab. However, he found that it looked the same with the exception of being overrun with lab rats. Dr. Dillamond sighed with exasperation. This was proving to be a very inconvenient situation. He turned to go to Miss Lan's office.
---
In her office, Miss Lan was currently stuck in swamp of complaints, literally. People had been in and out reporting of odd events and mishaps. When Dr. Dillamond arrived he was surprised and overwhelmed by the look, sound, and smell of the office. Murky green brown water that reeked covered the office floor. Dr. Dillamond wondered if there might be a stray alligator roaming about. There was an incredible amount of noise coming from the water; shouts of complaints were continually rising out of the water. Miss Lan and Emily were attempting to paddle towards the door on a desk using a keyboard and a yardstick.
"Excuse me," he said. "I can see you are in somewhat of a predicament, but I must inform you that…"
"I'M SORRY, WHAT!" shouted Miss Lan.
"I'D LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT THE LAVATORY IS NOW A LABORATORY,"
Dr. Dillamond shouted back.
"I'D LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT THE LAVATORY IS NOW A LABORATORY," echoed the swamp loudly.
"IS THAT ALL?" yelled Miss Lan.
"NO," replied Dr. Dillamond.
"WAIT 'TIL WE GET TO THE DOOR," shouted Emily. She and Miss Lan were a third of the way across the swamp.
Dr. Dillamond moved off to the side as the desk approached the door. Miss Lan and Emily quickly jumped off. Miss Lan then took care to shut the door.
"Now, what is the other event you wish to report?" she asked.
"My laboratory is currently overrun with rats. I believe it's become a labratory."
"Adding misspelled words to the list of problems," said Emily to Miss Lan.
"Overuse of metaphors, word misuse, misspelled words…what next?" said Miss Lan.
Not even five minutes after she finished the question, Glinda came stumbling through the hall. She ran into Miss Lan in the process.
"Miss Lan, thank goodness you're here! I was quite worrified that I wouldn't find you here. I'm horrifically desolificating right now!" she said bubbly. She swayed back and forth slightly.
"Include adding suffixes to ends of words to create stupid non-existent words that supposedly Glinda would say," said Miss Lan.
"Goodness, that's what's wrong! Thank goodness I found you! But, goodness, I don't know what to do! For goodness's sake, is there anything you can do to normalify me right now?" said Glinda.
"Put all too frequent use of the word 'goodness' on that list too," said Miss Lan. "So many problems come with too many words."
"Simplicity is most often best," said Dr. Dillamond in agreement.
"Goodness knows that is true," Glinda sweetly chimed in.
"What do you propose we do to solve these problems?" asked Dr. Dillamond.
"Emz, do you have anything in your…" at this point Miss Lan lowered her voice to a whisper, "bag that contains the implements of the Queen of the Universe that we could use?" It was only proper to keep the fact that Emily was the Queen of the Universe on the down-low.
Emily rummaged through the bag she always kept at her side. She dug out a small, shiningly wrapped granola bar.
"Emily, I love food as much as you, but how is eating a granola bar going to solve these problems?"
Emily rolled her eyes. "Read the label," she said, thrusting the granola bar in Miss Lan's hand.
"Granola Bar of Useful Fulfillment, manufactured personally for the Queen of the Universe, fulfills any and all useful purposes, mainly filling an empty stomach," read Miss Lan. "So how does it work?"
Emily sighed, took the bar and gave it to Glinda who promptly ate and declared it delicious.
The granola bar didn't take very long to fulfill its purpose. Glinda's speech quickly returned to normal and she stopped saying the word "goodness" every five seconds.
Her first words were, "I know what to do."
"You just eat it, it'll taste delicious, fill you up and fulfill any needs you have," explained Emily. "Pretty handy, huh?"
---
Meanwhile, Abby was just starting on dessert when she heard a splash. She didn't turn to see who had fallen in. Likely it was someone who hadn't found out about the three-foot pool located at the entrance of the dining hall.
Just then over twenty screams were heard. Even more splashes were heard after that. Abby decided to see what the fuss was about. She wasn't long in following the suit of the twenty plus girls ahead of her. Fiyero had fallen into the pool of tears, and a mass of girls were attempting to "rescue" him despite the obvious fact he could swim.
Dessert was instantly forgotten, and Abby wasted no time in acting. She dashed madly towards the water. Unfortunately, she was driven back by a fire-breathing Mini-Time Dragon though. More dragons swooped down to snap and flame at the fangirls allowing Fiyero time to escape.
A soaked Fiyero emerged out of the water, his damp clothes sticking to him. The sight of which once again succeeded in driving the fangirls wild. Another stampede was in progress and even the Mini-Time Dragons were having some difficulty keeping the girls at bay, though they managed to tackle a few. Fiyero was paralyzed with fear. Abby was faster this time and was within five feet of her prize when she suddenly found herself in a very "Wizard of Oz" movie moment.
Elphaba's voice broke out shouting, "Fly Monkeys! Fly! Seize them!"
A group of flying monkeys came swarming in. They snatched and lifted Abby and several of the other fangirls into the air.
Abby squirmed uncomfortably. Dangling five feet in the air in the grip of a flying monkey was not the most pleasant of situations.
"Hmmm…what to do with fangirls who still haven't learned not to stampede?" said Elphaba looking up at the captured girls.
No one would dare to approach Fiyero with Elphaba present. However, if Elphaba wasn't there she would have a much better shot at getting to and seducing Fiyero. Those were the thoughts running through Glinda-twenty-five's mind. She was one of the few who had managed to evade capture by diving under a table.
How could she get rid of, even if only temporary, Elphaba she wondered. Her eyes suddenly fell on a glass of water that had been spilt on the floor. Elphaba was allergic to water! Picking up the glass she sneakily crept towards the pool of tears. The witch's back was to the water.
In one swift movement, Glinda-twenty-five dipped the glass into the water, filled it, and then tossed it onto Elphaba.
Elphaba shrieked. She had the feeling of being burned, but there were no marks upon her skin, and she wasn't melting. Thanks to writers of the musical for making her immune to water she thought. She whirled around to face her assailant.
"Shoot! That probably wasn't enough water," thought Glinda-twenty-five. In a panicked frenzy she filled the glass again and hurled the contents at Elphaba.
Predicting what would happen, Elphaba managed to avert the water. "Things don't always work out like in the movies, do they?" she sneered.
"I'm not afraid," Glinda-twenty-five kept repeating to herself despite the fact that a tall, green figure, dressed in black looming over her was very intimidating. She stuck up her nose and sniffed haughtily. "I just made a miscalculation that was all."
"Yes, I'm certain your plan was practically flawless. Did you honestly think that even if you succeeded in getting rid of me, you would successfully seduce Fiyero and have him falling at your feet?"
"He's completely in love with me. He just hasn't been able to realize it yet because you've been keeping him from me."
At this Elphaba laughed. Her cackle resounded throughout the dining hall. She looked at her "rival" for a moment. "Salmon Pink looks so flattering in blotches on your skin."
The marks of Abby's revenge had yet to wash out. Glinda-twenty-five had managed to cover them by layering on make-up; she didn't want to chance meeting the Arjiki prince looking spotted. "Oh no! The make-up must've washed off when I fell in the water," she thought.
"I must say you've rather inspired me," said Elphaba smiling wickedly. "I know exactly what to do to you and the rest these twits."
---
"As you said Dr. Dillamond, 'simplicity is best.' We don't need an elaborate plan that relates to spelling, definitions, and grammar. We are in possession of, or rather Emily is, the only tool we need to solve these problems."
"The bag containing the implements of the Queen of the Universe?" asked Miss Lan in a low whisper.
"The Granola Bars of Useful Fulfillment!" Emily whispered back.
"Oh," said Miss Lan in her normal voice. "How are they going to work on everything? I can understand it working on people, but not inanimate objects and rooms. They can't eat."
"I believe scattering bits of them on the objects and in the rooms will suffice," said Glinda. "If Emily would so kindly hand me another bar, I will demonstrate."
Emily brought another granola bar from out and gave it to Glinda. Unwrapping and breaking off a large chunk of it, Glinda began to turn the doorknob.
"Wait! Hold your nose first," said Miss Lan. A great heat and stench emanated from the room when it was opened. Glinda tossed a piece of the Granola Bar of Useful Fulfillment into the room. It was swallowed by the ravenous alligator.
"I wasn't counting on that happening," said Glinda as she stood confused for a moment.
"Just chuck the rest of it in there. He won't eat it now that he's full," said Emily.
After having done so, Glinda watched with the rest of the group as the swamp immediately began to disappear, starting with the alligator.
"Now we can repair the rest of the damages caused by some ignorant and careless writer. Once that's done, I'm going to hunt the person down myself and give him or her to the Mini-Time Dragons for breakfast!" said Miss Lan.
"May, I suggest starting with the lavatory and that we all split up as to accomplish the task quicker?" said Dr. Dillamond somewhat urgently.
"Yes, good idea," said Miss Lan.
After deciding where and what each member would take care of, the party split. Each member equipped with Granola Bars of Useful Fulfillment.
---
Lady Bianca was in much need of a Granola Bar of useful fulfillment. She had lost track of how many rights of passage she had gone through. It seemed no matter how many she passed, she always ended up right at the beginning. At least, she no longer was alone.
A few students and staff members, including Boq and Nessarose, had turned right down the same hall Lady Bianca had. All found themselves hopelessly caught in the same never ending right of passage. Of course, since everyone eventually found themselves right at the beginning, it was inevitable they would encounter one another. Still, it didn't keep her from wanting to rip out her hair due to frustration. The whining from the students wasn't helping much either.
"Okay, forget this useless roaming," she said as she stopped walking. "I'm going to preserve whatever strength and sanity I have left."
"You're all staff, shouldn't you know your way all around here? And Nessarose, Boq, you two went to school here. I'll bet there's some hidden secret passageway you discovered in your years of camaraderie and mischief that you don't want to reveal that could get us out of here," said a boy by the name of Firefox Jedi.
"This isn't Hogwarts!" snapped Nessarose. "There are no secret passageways. And while Boq may have been, I was never one for mischief."
"Our group was not like the 'Mauraders' or 'Trio' from Harry Potter that you all happen to be so fond of," added Boq.
Yes, the Harry Potter frenzy had managed to infiltrate the realm of Wicked. Like many of the other staff members, including Nessarose, Boq had read the first book in order to find out what made it or rather the series the most discussed (after Wicked of course) among students. He found himself flying through the next four and pre-ordering the sixth book.
"I'll bet this is some crazy rite that you're making us go through to initiate us as students," said a girl named Shannon.
"Then why are we here going through it as well? And why would choose to do it after the semester has started with only a few students?" asked Lady Bianca.
"Oh," said Shannon as she stopped to think of a response. "Hey! There looks like there's an opening on the left side at the end of the hall!" she said.
"You must be imagining things. We've already established the fact that we can only go right," replied Nessarose,
Shannon ran to the end of the hall, turning left and disappearing. She came back excitedly. "It's real!" At that, everyone took off running towards the end of the hall. Apparently, all that was needed to end the 'right of passage' was use of the right 'rite.'
---
Miss Lan's last task was to clear up the pool of tears in the dining hall. She stood wondering for a moment why there were salmon swimming around in it. Malky came sauntering in; spotting the fish, he dipped his paw in the water attempting to capture one. The cat made her think of Elphaba, so Miss Lan went to talk with Elphaba.
As she was leaving Elphaba's office, Miss Lan came across Lady Bianca. Realizing she hadn't seen Lady Bianca for most the day, Miss Lan stopped to talk with her.
"Are we having fish for dinner or is there some other explanation for the salmon filled pond in the dining hall?" asked Lady Bianca.
"No, just some students serving their detention," replied Miss Lan.
AN: So finally reuploaded most of OWFU after the grand mishap and drama of having it revoked. Ch. 8 sadly is currently missing due to me writing it on another computer and not saving a portable backup copy or uploading it the net. It wil be Christmas break when I can go back and obtain it in it's full completed form (I have it unfinished on my personal computer). Thanks to all the loyal readers, and I greatly miss your reviews that got deleted along with the story. --Lan