chapter thirteen: which is very full of zombies

Back in El Zorromancer's waiting room, Toshi drained his coffee and looked belligerently at Kuwabara. "So are you a demon too? Because everyone else is, and I'm starting to wonder if there are any humans left anywhere."

"I'm human," Kuwabara protested. "I'm more human than you are, what with you being a zombie and all."

"I," Toshi retorted, clapping one hand to his chest, "am not a fucking zombie. D'you see me drooling and gnawing on people?"

"Gnerr," moaned Weed, leaning over to chomp on Toshi's hand.

Toshi shrieked like a little girl and bounded across the room. "He bit me! He bit me! I'm gonna fucking kill him! He fucking bit me! I'm gonna start drooling and biting people!"

Weed licked his lips and settled more firmly into his chair. "You're a zombie. Get over it. Here, I know what can calm you down," he decided, fishing in a pocket. "You're much too high-strung."

Toshi stamped one foot angrily. "Of course I'm high-strung! If you'd gone through what I have, you'd be high-strung too!"

Yukina tugged Toshi's former chair closer to her own. "Come, sit here," she requested. "It would be well for you to tell us what happened. We may be able to help."

Restlessly thumping down into the chair, Toshi said crankily, "Unless you can get your fox demon to hand himself smilingly to Karasu, I don't think there's much that you can do."

"Here." Weed offered his lit joint to Toshi kindly. "You look like you need this."

Toshi sniffed the smoke, then snatched it from Weed. "You are godlike to me," he said after a pause. "Truly godlike. You said you smoked."

"Unfiltered," Weed agreed, handing the pack to Toshi. "Can't kill me now."

Yukina squinted through the growing cloud of smoke at the red-haired zombie. "Withdrawal pangs, then?"

Toshi handed the joint back to Weed, bouncing in his chair. "I don't know. Maybe. What did you want to know?" he asked.

Mentally blessing Weed for being his drug-laden self, Yukina said, "What connection do you have with Karasu?"

"I gave him change for a phone call," Toshi started, his eyes darkening. "I asked him if he wanted anything else. He got a little freaky. Then he tried to choke me, so I put a knife in his throat. It didn't affect him, and I realized I was in trouble. Then there's this big bang and blood starts pouring out of the back of my knee. And after that...he broke my neck. Apparently he used my dead body to send a message to a guy who was with your fox demon. When I wake up, he brings me to some place in a demon world and he blows my face off. I get put back together and he tells me to go find Kurama and bring him here. I don't know why he's not here. I don't like him at all. I don't want to be here. I really wish your redhead would fight his own damn battles instead of just waltzing off and leaving me here."

Yukina bit her lip tentatively. "I...well, I rather think that this is how they are fighting. It's psychological, I think. Kurama slights him and he retaliates by killing someone of your..." Here Yukina's politeness failed to find her a suitable word.

"So your demon boy does something to make Karasu want to demonstrate what he does to your casual whore," Toshi surmised.

Kuwabara winced. "Don't say that."

Toshi sneered. "What, am I offending your friend?"

"No," Kuwabara said, "but you are giving me squicky mental images that I neither needed nor wanted."

"It sounds really hot," Weed said languidly. "You sure you don't want those mental images?"

Toshi dropped his head into his hands, nearly setting his hair on fire with his cigarette. "Hell," he muttered, sticking the unlit end into his mouth. "Anyway, I'm just sort of in the middle of this by accident, praying that I'll find a way out."

"It occurs to me," Yukina said slowly, drawing the attention of all three boys. "Your best bet for freedom from Karasu would be to help us."

"Because you three can do oh so much damage to him," Toshi said derisively. "Sure."

There was a noise that Toshi associated instinctively with a very well-known movie trilogy. "Actually, we probably could," Kuwabara said calmly.

Toshi looked up. Realizing that he was on the wrong end of what looked like a sword made entirely of fire, he decided to hold very, very still. "Whatever I did, I take it back," he whispered, holding his hands up to show his lack of weapons.

"You see," Yukina said encouragingly, "you don't know us very well. Kazuma is a very good fighter. And Kurama was the one who killed Karasu in the first place. Oh, and of course there are the others. They're very good too."

"What about him?" Toshi asked, pointing at Weed. "And you?"

"I'm their walking dispensary," Weed announced languidly. "But I'm just the undead. None of this fighting stuff. I make a mean Molotov cocktail, though. She's like an ice ninja. And she heals things really fast if you're alive."

Toshi goggled. "Wow. So I've just been pissing off a whole bunch of people who could effectively turn me into a tea cozy."

Yukina nodded. "But we're actually very nice."

"I'm going to throw myself on your mercy and hope you're telling the truth," Toshi said nervously.

Smiling, Yukina asked, "Do I look like the sort of person who lies?"

Toshi was saved from answering when Kurama walked into the room with a very strange expression on his face. "We have a little time before all hell breaks loose. Again."

"What was that all about?" Kuwabara demanded.

"He offered me a job," Kurama explained demurely. "It was very tempting."

Kuwabara made a funny strangled noise. "You're still alive, right?"

"Oh, I didn't accept," Kurama replied impatiently. "But we do have some time before Karasu shows up. I'll also guess that we have some time before El Zorromancer interferes with us, though I can't say the same for his receptionist."

All eyes turned to the well-groomed young woman with a tail. As they watched, she took out an emery board and touched up her pointed fingernails.

"Weed," Yukina said gently. "There is something you should know."

"Mm?"

"If we do fight with El Zorromancer, there is a chance that if he is killed, everyone that he has resurrected will die without preamble," Yukina said gently. "And even if you do decide to stay with us, I don't think that any of us can guarantee your safety. Do you want to leave?"

Weed straightened in his chair. "Just because I am undead doesn't mean I like him," he said softly. "He has great charm, and in another situation I could see myself taking to him, but he scares the shit out of me. And..." Here he grimaced, putting a hand over his eyes. "I'm dead. Do you understand what I mean? Even if this body never decays, I'm no longer human. I'm no longer alive. I go to kiss my girlfriend and she's thinking about the putrefaction process. I touch people and they scream because I'm cold. I can be ripped apart and put back together again. I'll help you, if I can."

"But you may not be able to help us," Yukina continued.

Weed shrugged. "Find me a gun and I can make like I'm in a zombie movie. Besides...I'm dead. I don't get tired, I don't get hungry, I don't get thirsty. I can't be killed. It's hard to slow me down. I'm animated by the force of my soul, and my soul doesn't care that my muscles are non-existent or that I'm scrawny and weak. I accidentally picked up a car, all right?" he asked when even Yukina's face showed polite scepticism. "I was helping someone park and I picked it up."

"Do you have any ideas?" Kuwabara asked Kurama. "You're good at strategy and that kind of stuff, aren't you?"

"My strategy doesn't end in killing El Zorromancer," Kurama said quietly. "It ends in Karasu's death, and to that end I will only be recruiting those who are already involved. Namely, you," he said to Toshi.

"Oh, hell no," Toshi said sulkily.

"Have another cigarette," Weed suggested. "Here, listen. Despite the mystery muscles, I don't think I'll make a good fighter, but at least I can drive the getaway car."

"I thought you died in a car crash. Do you even have a car to drive?" Kuwabara asked.

Weed nodded. "Great big banger of a thing. I think I died from being thrown out the window. It was open and I didn't have a seatbelt on. The car's fine. The car could have survived the atomic bombs."

There was a moment of silence. "I knew those formulas would be trouble," Kurama finally said.

"I'll pretend you didn't say that," Kuwabara decided. "I like the getaway car idea. It makes it seem so official. Should we go get it?"

"Yes, since it might be better to plan our attack when we're not actually in the guy's office," Weed agreed. "Or your attack, actually."

Kuwabara grunted. "You know, I need to call Urameshi," he said. "He'll be angry if we kick El Zorromancer's ass without him."

"Would you like the use of our telephone, sir?" asked the receptionist on cue.

"Yow!" Kuwabara yelped, sitting bolt upright. "You could hear us?"

"It is my job to respond in such situations," the receptionist agreed. "I do not pass judgement on the topic of the conversation."

Kuwabara looked at her suspiciously. "All the same, I'll use my own phone, thanks."

"Very well," the receptionist said placidly. "Would anyone like a refill of coffee before you depart?"

"No, thank you, but you are kind to offer," Yukina said. "Weed, would you be kind enough to take us to your car so that Kazuma might telephone in privacy?"

"Sure," Weed said easily, slipping out of his chair and looking around. "Hey, we're missing people."

"What?" Kuwabara stared around wildly, only to behold a stunning lack of other red-haired people. "All right, it's definitely time to call Urameshi," he concluded, heading for the door. "We'll be back," he said to the receptionist in what he hoped was a threatening voice.

The receptionist smiled and touched her appointment book with a sharp-nailed finger. "You're already booked, sir."

As he, Yukina, and Weed headed down the street, Kuwabara had to admit that the honours of that exchange certainly had rested with the receptionist.

Some miles away, Yusuke was torn from his deep thoughts on Keiko by the sound of his phone ringing. "Yeah?"

"Urameshi!" Kuwabara bawled in his ear. "We've got problems!"

"Where are you?" Yusuke decided that this was the most pressing question.

"Oh, we're getting Weed's car and going back to El Zorromancer's office," Kuwabara said. "But did I mention how we had problems?"

Yusuke looked at Hiei and was relieved to see that the fire demon seemed to be following the conversation. "Can you hear?" When Hiei nodded, Yusuke spoke to Kuwabara instead. "We're going to meet you there. Is it the demon world one or the human world?"

"Human world," said Kuwabara. "There's another?"

"We're going to meet you there," Yusuke repeated. "What's your problem? If it involves Kurama, I know what's going on. If it doesn't, do some fast talking."

"Well," Kuwabara said meditatively, "we're going to go fight El Zorromancer once and for all in a little bit. We were hoping you'd come along."

Yusuke took the general impetuosity of this decision in stride. "I was wondering when we'd get around to doing that."

"I'm getting the feeling that if we don't attack, he'll make the first move soon," Kuwabara explained. "We just talked to him. Oh, and I know you said not to worry about Kurama, but he just vanished with Karasu's messenger boy. So I'm worried anyway."

Yusuke mouthed a very impolite word to Hiei, then said to Kuwabara, "All right. Fine. Worry. Listen, I'll be right there. Well, actually, we'll be right there," he amended when Hiei gave him a look that promised fiery death if he was left out of the fun.

"'We'?" Kuwabara asked. "What 'we'?"

Yusuke felt that Hiei's expressive eye roll covered both their feelings on the matter. "I found Hiei," he said. "You remember him? Short, red eyes, inclined to spontaneous fits of violent rage?"

"Oh," said Kuwabara. "Right."

Hiei looked like he might want to start seething at the unflattering description to which he had just been treated. Yusuke took this like the warning sign it was and said, "Listen, we'll be waiting for you by the time you get back. We're not far away." He flipped the phone shut before Kuwabara could argue and looked at Hiei. "I'm really starting to get the urge to beat Kurama up. Please remind me why this is a bad idea."

"He fights dirty," Hiei suggested.

Yusuke nodded. "All right. Thank you. Urge officially quashed. I hate fighting cheaters."

"Lucky for you that you've never fought him," Hiei said. "Trust me. It's not fun."

Yusuke sighed heavily. "It didn't look it."

"I would have kicked your ass if he hadn't interfered," Hiei continued.

"But isn't my wonderful company so much better than prison for killing me?" Yusuke asked brightly. "This way," he chirped before Hiei could answer him, and sped off.

By then, Kurama had managed to locate, unlock, and relock the door of the refrigerated waiting room. "I've an idea."

"So I gathered," Toshi said disgustedly.

"Karasu chose this site in order to fight me because it is in a city. I have little in the way of weapons, aside from what I carry," Kurama reasoned. "But nothing is stopping me from picking a site as well. If this is executed correctly, he will come to me instead."

"What is 'this'?" Toshi asked warily.

Kurama bit his lip. "As you may have noticed, we resemble each other superficially."

"Oh hell no," Toshi said, realizing where this was going. "I'm not fighting him for you. He'll kill me!"

"That wasn't quite the idea," Kurama said, "but you're close. Besides, you can't die."

"If I'm in fifteen million pieces, I don't see myself getting back up again," Toshi retorted.

"He won't be able to hurt you that badly," Kurama said. "If you recall, El Zorromancer will keep this place from being destroyed by siphoning off the powers of the undead if necessary. Besides, he'll probably get close enough to you that you can just hit him. He won't expect such a thing from me."

"But it won't be hard to figure out that I'm not you!" Toshi wailed. "And he'll kill me!"

Kurama smiled slowly. "Do you know your mythology?"

"No," said Toshi. "Why?"

"What do you know about fox-demons and illusions?" Kurama inquired. "Nothing? Pity. But if I handle it right, no one will know you're not me unless they think to look closer. And do you know what I've discovered in my life of lies? People are trusting, even if they think they're not. No one ever looks closer."

Toshi swallowed. "You swear you'll kill him."

"I shan't stop if he kills me," Kurama replied.

"All right," Toshi breathed. "What am I getting myself into?"

Kurama grinned. It was an expression full of sunshine and laughter, and entirely unsuited to the atmosphere. "For a start, my clothes. Give me yours."

Toshi sighed and started to unlace his long, fingerless gloves. "If you turn out to be stunningly hot in these clothes, I can't answer for the consequences or for my envy. You know, for someone as cute as yourself, you have absolutely no fashion sense."

"You're wearing vinyl shorts," Kurama said. "I really don't think that you're allowed to comment on my fashion sense."

Toshi made a face and started to work on his other glove. "Fine. Be that way."

Outside the building, Yusuke and Hiei were unaware of the transformation being undertaken, instead being fascinated by the hulking behemoth of a car that was lurching up the road towards them.

"I think that thing gets about half a litre to the foot," Yusuke finally said.

"Is that a gun turret?" Hiei demanded, staring at the protrusion on top of the car.

"This," panted a young man proudly as he drew up to the curb, "is Cthulhu embodied in a car form. You should see it when I hit the tentacle button."

"I'll pass, thanks," Yusuke said hurriedly. "I think I'm supposed to be waiting for you."

Kuwabara opened one of the doors and jumped out. "Urameshi, this car is the shit!"

Yukina followed, but she headed for the driver's side instead. "Thanks, Weed. Will you be safe in here?"

"All the metal and glass is bulletproof and fireproof," Weed answered. "You can't even tell I was in an accident, now, can you?"

"No," Yukina said truthfully. "It's a lovely machine. You take care of yourself out here. If the outside starts to look like it could even get through this thing, feel free to drive around the block."

"Got it," Weed said with a salute. "Don't worry about me when you go get him. If I'm...not around later, can one of you find someone to take the car back to Touya?"

"We will," Kuwabara promised, giving Weed a manly clap on the shoulder that nearly broke a few bones. "If we come running screaming out of the building, pretend that nothing happened on the ride back, all right?"

"Sounds good," Weed agreed. "Go get him."

Hiei was already heading for the building, Yusuke not far behind. "Thanks for your help," Yukina said to Weed, then grabbed Kuwabara's hand and ran after the others.

Weed sighed, cranked the window back up, and switched on the radio. His hands, when he put them carefully on the steering wheel, were shaking. "This is it," he said on a long, shuddering breath, and waited.

Inside El Zorromancer's office, the receptionist with a tail smiled politely at the party. "Welcome, sirs and miss," she said. "Shall I see if El Zorromancer is free, or would you prefer to kill me and go in yourself?"

"Would you be so tamely killed?" Yukina inquired.

The receptionist pressed the tips of her fingers together as her nails lengthened into needle-sharp claws that were as long again as her hand. "If you wish, miss, you may find out."

Yukina smiled, and the expression on her face was disconcertingly like another's. "I am only a healer. I am merely here to assist."

The receptionist pressed a claw to her lips. "I comprehend entirely, miss. You wish then to be taken to El Zorromancer himself?"

"Yes," Yukina agreed.

The receptionist's eyes slid to focus on something behind their heads. "Will you take seats, please, or would you like to stand?"

The four standing before her desk all slowly turned. "Holy. Fucking. Shit," Yusuke said for all of them.

Heading for the glass of the front doors was the largest crowd of undead that any of them had ever seen in the past few days. Most of them were at least crudely armed, and they all looked frighteningly intent on something.

"I think your waiting room may need redecorating soon," Yusuke said to the receptionist. "Just a passing thought I had."

The receptionist tucked herself behind the desk, claws tapping on the wood surface idly. "Have a good fight. If you should die, please come and make an appointment. We will see you promptly."

The first knot of zombies blew the door open, their eyes blank and staring. "I think he just brainwashed as many as he could reach and told them to come get us," Yusuke said.

All the zombies opened their mouths and spoke as one in El Zorromancer's voice. "Correct, Urameshi Yusuke. In case of your demises, I have instructed my staff to hold slots for you."

"I don't see Weed," Kuwabara said. "Or that red-haired zombie boy."

"That would not be playing the game. We are all ones who would preserve our new way of life," the phalanx of zombies said, all with identical smiles. "Enjoy yourselves, my dears."

"So, Hiei," Yusuke said. "Feel like trying to brainwash all of those zombies yourself?"

"I would advise you that in your position, I wouldn't," the crowd of zombies announced, "but really, hypocrisy is so ugly. You may try, but I will resist. Now that you have announced it, I may resist with all my power. Will you try it?"

"Oh, no way in hell does he have all the fun!" Kuwabara declared, stepping to the front, sword flaring to life in one hand.

After that, it was absolute bedlam.

In the refrigerated room, Kurama looked up from the ties of the gloves. "I think that the unholy noise from above signifies that El Zorromancer is weighing in against my friends. I expect that Karasu will be back soon."

"Anything else you want to witch on me?" Toshi inquired. "My hair feels funny like this. How the hell do you manage to keep yours like this all the time?"

"Magic," Kurama said absently. "It's time for me to quietly vanish. I'll stay around long enough for him to sight you. Keep him busy once he notices you. I'll need him distracted."

Toshi sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Well, here goes nothing, then. Only can I have my make-up back if you're done with it?"

"You were the one to insist on it," Kurama retorted, handing the cases over.

"That's because I don't want to be alone in this ridiculous dress-up thing," Toshi shot back, looking Kurama over.

"What?" Kurama asked curiously, noting the look.

"You look really hot," Toshi said, sounding peeved. "That's so not fair. If you get any money off this, I demand a cut. Especially if the eyeliner is part of it."

Kurama looked longingly at the wall, as though he might dearly want to hit his head on it until he fell into unconsciousness. "I don't plan to make any money off of this. If anything, Karasu will be too busy alternately staring at me and laughing his ass off to notice me trying to kill him. I suppose that's a point in my favour."

Toshi rolled his eyes. "I said he had a hard-on for you. Well, when this is over, assuming we both survive in some form of the word, let us never speak of this again."

"It's a deal," Kurama agreed as he unlocked the door. "Good luck."

Toshi watched him disappear into the now-darkened hallway. As he looked, yet another light shattered with the impact from the floor above. "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" he wondered before heading to the stairs.

Upstairs, it was becoming increasingly hard to move, as zombie bodies were covering every inch of the floor, with still more coming. "This...is not...a fair...fight," Kuwabara panted. "This is...a slaughter."

"But at least it's not our slaughter," Yukina said. She looked quite cool and was not out of breath in the least. As she spoke, an icicle spiked up from the floor and impaled a zombie which had been leaping for her from behind.

"A good...point," Kuwabara wheezed. "Are you...all right?"

"I am better than you sound," Yukina said anxiously.

There was a loud whipping noise, which was followed by several pieces of zombie flying into Kuwabara's head. "Watch where you're flinging those things, you bastard!" he screeched at Hiei.

Hiei didn't even bother to look like he had noticed. "This is too easy," he complained to Yusuke instead.

Yusuke stomped on a disembodied hand which was trying to grab his ankle. "Don't you dare invoke Murphy's Law. I mean it. You should know better than that."

"I meant that something else is probably coming. Something much worse than this. This is cannon fodder, and he knew it when he sent them against us," Hiei said. "The question is, what else is he sending against us?"

"Never," Yusuke said, eyes riveted to the door, "ever ask me a question like that again."

"Was I just answered?" Hiei asked, also looking. "Ah. Yes. I see that I was."

Karasu passed through the door, blinked gently at the chaos, then turned and headed for a small set of stairs.

"Shit," said Yusuke. "Kuwabara! The rest of this is yours!" he bawled, then leapt after Karasu. "There's something wrong about this," he gasped to Hiei when the fire demon caught up with him. "I don't like it."

"There," said Hiei, stopping halfway down the stairs. Karasu was facing a slender boy with red hair, green spots hovering in the air between them.

"Hell," said Yusuke, plopping down onto one of the steps. "I'll get the popcorn. There's something wrong here, but I just can't place it."

Hiei nodded absently, eyes roving over the scene. "Kurama has something planned. He usually does."

"Considering how his plans tend to affect his life expectancy, that makes me feel so much better," Yusuke muttered, inching down another stair.

At the foot of the stairs, Kurama held his hands out to either side, palms up, and took a step back. "You'll see I'm full of surprises for you," he said lightly to Karasu.

Hiei blinked, then recalled the exact details of the movement. It had been disjointed and careless, which matched the manner that Kurama had tended to affect whenever Karasu was mentioned, but it was almost too disjointed. It felt to Hiei like the move of something not quite alive. Like an insect, or a machine, or...

Or very possibly someone who was actually no longer alive.

"Yusuke," Hiei said quietly, reaching for the bandanna covering his third eye. "I think – "

Unfortunately for Yusuke, Hiei never got to finish the sentence. Someone had grabbed him from behind and yanked him hard over the low railing, sending them both falling into the darkness under the stairs.

"What the hell?" Yusuke asked, staring at where Hiei had been. "Hiei?"

There was a quiet thump, then nothing. The stairs were silent and empty.

"Shit," breathed Yusuke. "Not good."

It was with nervous eyes that he turned to look at Kurama and Karasu once more.

Nyte Kit: The succubus isn't as random as you think...er, well, you'll see...

KyoHana: This term is worse. By the gods, this term is worse. (is dead)

Kooriya Yui: I'm glad you like the plot, really I am!

Evene: People like Toshi. Yay.

RehdFawx: Well...it wouldn't be that hard, I don't think...

Capella Alpha Aurigae: The mere mention of all their cell phones amuses me mightily, because you know they're all on 80's phones that outweigh the corded phone I have now.

Bluespark: It was really minor. I mean really, really minor. I love El Zorromancer's crazy.

Kurama'sGirl88: He was offered a job, but he didn't accept.

A lilmatchgirl: I didn't mean to! I try to keep the OC's firmly stuffed away from the main action, but they just keep...showing up. For things.

shadow priestess: Chapter! (flees from the scary, rabid fans)

Katya-chan: I am so much better than I was before it. (grins)

Classes are devouring me alive. Save me with your reviews plzkthnx.