april kisses
boundaries
by: samthegreat
disclaimer: contains themes of a sexual and romantic nature. a little angsty. be advised.
By nature, I know that Watanuki is a generally happy person. In all honestly, I don't think it shows on his face enough. Especially around me. I've become accustomed to the glares and grimaces I get from him, so I don't even count those anymore. Around Yuuko, his face is a mix of stable annoyance and begrudged enjoyment. Sometimes he smiles around her and the black bun thing. Sometimes he'll smile if he is able to help one of her clients. Those times he lets his natural good nature leek through and it honestly looks good on him.
Yes, I know he smiles at Kunogi all the time. But that doesn't count. She doesn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment from him. He so readily dishes out those smiles to her without her earning them. He pours all of his energy into those cheap smiles just for her. That's what they are, cheap. The only time I can bring myself to hate his face is when I see those cheap smiles.
It's not jealousy that causes me to feel this way. As I said, I'm used to him hating me. I've become accustomed to his snarling and frowns. It was when his unhappy mouth turned serious and was crushed against my serious mouth that I realized how much I had preferred the change of pace. I thought I had Watanuki figured out. Honestly, I had always dreamed that something like this would happen. But in my fantasies, I could never have anticipated the truth. I never thought he would have initiated it. I'm still surprised he plays the dominate in almost all of our sexual conquests.
But still, anything for him. I allow him to do things that I would have never thought of before. I'm his entirely. But, still, I have to pull back sometimes and remind myself that (to him) it is only sex. I had been able to fool myself into thinking that it meant more to him, but then came the incident. Watanuki isn't the whimperer I had imagined him to be. He's vocal and almost wild at times. I liked that immediately. But the name that fell from his lips that one time wasn't mine.
"Himawari-chan!"
During sex, he doesn't use my name, he doesn't smile at me or worry about my comfort. Sometimes I hate that he still pretends to hate me, and maybe he still does. I blame myself. The reason he started this relationship is because he saw the convenience in it. He obviously saw how I felt about him, dreamt about him. He uses me.
But sometimes, he'll let me take him. Sometimes he'll lay back and look into my eyes as I try my best to make him scream. Sometimes he'll hesitate to get dressed and instead allow me to glide my hands over his naked form. And he does the same to mine. And his face gets very serious. He'll slide his thin hands over the smooth scars I have on that one arm or he'll stare intently at the altered flesh of my palm. He looks at those old wounds and remembers the things I've done to protect him from harm.
Once, his eyes became very soft and looked as if they were brimming with tears. His mouth quivered and he placed his face against the warmth of my chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered all too reluctantly. At first I didn't know what to say. "That's okay." I tired to soothe him. "It's just a show of boundaries." At the time I didn't know where I was going with it, but it seemed to appease him and he even dared to whisper my name into a smile and place his grinning lips against mine.
Now I remember that it was my grandfather who taught me about boundaries. He showed me the three areas humans create these protective boundaries: the soul, the body, and the heart. When Watanuki returned my soul to me, he crossed the first boundary. That's why he knew my feelings for him so well. That's why I can feel him like a swelling deep inside of me. We each kept a piece of each other's souls that day. The crossing of the second boundary is self explanatory. It's crossed each time our skins slide together, each time we moan in unison or press our lips together. The scars on my body are mementos of the boundary.
It's the boundary of the heart that is harder to cross, but he had no problem. All he had to do was say that other name and I knew he had already crossed my heart boundary. I don't know how to do the same for him. Still, I look in his eyes when we make love and I say his name as often as I can. I argue with him in public because that's what makes him feel comfortable. I protect him during those annoying missions Yuuko sends us on. I act sincerely and with my heart and I hope that, since he has already crossed mine, he will allow me to cross all of his boundaries as well.
this story was…weird. i'm not sure where i got the idea. either way, i'm glad so many seem to like the stories. please review.