Chapter 5
A/N: Thanks for the reviews, "Cherry Vanilla" and "surroundedkid". They're greatly appreciated. I know this story makes no sense at all, hence the title Stoned: Total Nonsense. I'm sure you guys are wondering if I'm stoned when I'm writing this but I promise I'm 100 percent drug free:-)
The five stoned wrestlers made their way into the cafeteria singing a song they had made up on the way.
"Randy Orton will be Heiden-roach's little slut!"
"He'll beg Heiden-roach to probe his butt!"
"He'll scream for mercy but love the pain."
"We'll have him on film going insane."
"This is for America! We'll run a train!"
Booker, Christian, Batista, and Taker looked at JBL like he was mentally challenged when he made the "train" comment.
"What can I say? I want in on the action," JBL said with a slight shrug. "I...swing that way."
Taker shuddered. "Don't ever walk behind me again," he warned JBL.
"Everyone cover your asses! JBL might attack!"
"Cover your asses! No one's asshole is safe!"
"Bring out the heavy artillery! We need maximum protection!"
"You guys..." JBL whined. "Pass me the damn blunt."
The five dudes looked around the crowded cafeteria, wondering where Heiden-roach was. But it was so crowded, they couldn't see him anywhere.
"Someone has to climb on top of a table and look for Heiden-roach," Christian stated matter-of-factly.
Suddenly, all eyes in the group were on Batista, whom JBL had just passed the blunt to.
Batista slowly stopped puffing on the blunt and looked at them all. "Whaaaat?"
"You gotta do it, man," Booker said.
"You gotta do it."
"You gotta do it."
"You gotta do it."
"Ok! Damn you all, I understand!" Batista shouted. He took a long drag on the blunt, then coughed and wheezed a little. Then he stood up straight with a determined look on his face. "I'm ready."
"Go Batista!" Christian said encouragingly when Batista passed him the blunt and started climbing on the table. "Tell us where Heiden-roach is."
"Don't look down," Taker warned, snatching the blunt from Christian.
"Cuz it's a looooong way to the bottom," Booker said. "Three feet is a hell of a lot of distance."
"Nice ass," JBL said when Batista made it to the top.
"Thanks... Hey!" Batista exclaimed, glaring at him. "You're a freak, JBL. Makes me wonder what you do with the horns on your limo..."
JBL smiled innocently. "You have no idea..."
"Can you see Heiden-roach?" Christian asked.
"Hold on a sec." Batista looked around the crowded cafeteria. "Yeah, there he is! Over there by the exit, talking to Eddie Guerrero!"
"Well what are we waiting for?" Taker asked.
"He's right! Let's..."
"...get..."
"...over..."
"...there..."
Taker, Christian, Booker, and JBL took off running over towards the exit. Batista jumped from table to table, smashing tables in the process. Everyone looked at them like they were crazy.
When they reached the exit and Eddie Guerrero, Heiden-roach was nowhere in sight.
"I thought you said he was over here!" Christian exclaimed, glaring at Batista.
"He was," Batista said.
"Maybe..."
"...he..."
"...left..."
"Maybe we should just ask Eddie," Taker suggested. He was still holding the blunt. He took a puff and coughed a little.
The five wrestlers made a circle around Eddie and started closing in on him.
"Um, guys?" Eddie said nervously. "What the hell is going on?"
"Your..."
"...help..."
"...would..."
"...be..."
"...appreciated..."
"What do you need my help with?" Eddie asked curiosly.
"Where..." Booker began.
"...did..." Taker continue.
"...Heiden-roach..." Christian said.
"...go?" JBL finished.
"Amigo?" Batista added for good measure.
"Heidenreich? Oh, he went to see someone," Eddie said.
"Who..."
"...did..."
"...he..."
"...go..."
"...see?"
"He went to see Ken Kennedy," Eddie said. "Kennedy!"
"Kennedy infinity!" JBL said as Booker opened his mouth to start the usual repitition game.
"Cheater," Christian muttered.
JBL smiled smugly. "I'm a great American. I never cheat."
Eddie tried to get away but noticed that he was still in the middle of the tight circle.
"Thanks for your help."
"It's most greatly appreciated."
"We're not popular but you helped us anyway."
"For that, we'd like to extend The Peace Pipe."
"But we don't have a real pipe."
"Why not?" Eddie asked.
"Cuz pipes are for crackheads."
"And we're not crackheads."
"But we do like getting high off weird stuff."
"And, made with Easter grass and chocolate syrup, wrapped in brown bag heaven..."
"This is definitely some weird stuff!"
"Say no more, amigos," Eddie said, reaching for the blunt. Taker handed it to him and he took a long drag on it and coughed until his eyes were red and watery. "Ah, now this is what I call a good blunt."
"Welcome..."
"...to..."
"...our..."
"...stoner's..."
"...crew..."
"I feel really loved," Eddie said happily.
"That's great. Now let's find Heiden-roach!"