Notes: This didn't turn out quite how I had expected it to, but eh. I'm supposed to be editing the giant Tetheus/Kai-stern fic that seems to always be so close to completion but never quite exactly there, and I haven't done Alfeegi/Kai-stern for ages. Also, I've set up a DK forum, which can be accessed through my user info, where all sorts of conversation in regards to DK and fanfic is very welcome!
Wind and Rain.
It was easier before, Ruwalk liked to think, and on some levels it had also been better. Better for the poor, abused doors whose hinges moaned in protest, better for the bystanders who always seemed to be dragged in. Better, Ruwalk occasionally thought, for Alfeegi, who did not need more stress in his life when it already dictated everything from when he rose to the brief moments of sleep he managed to catch. Better even possibly for Kai-stern, who spent too few a time at the castle as it was to spend even part of it hidden away somewhere, avoiding them all as though they were each themselves Alfeegi.
But, back then the doors had still been banged and the bystanders still either victims or filled with blame, and Alfeegi and Kai-stern had still always fought over everything, except with a desperate unhappiness tainting their words instead of this, whatever 'this' was. Alfeegi refused to call it a relationship, although the moment anyone else dared to even hint that it was anything else they were silenced with the darkest of glares. Kai-stern simply smiled when asked for any form of clarification, a smile that was either bittersweet or faintly mysterious depending on whether the two were currently on speaking terms.
Normally, when everything went to pieces and Alfeegi stormed out in a huff, Kai-stern was the one left to downplay the tiff, weaving words and spinning tales to distract them all from what had happened. It wasn't so much that Kai-stern cared about such things as reputation and pride and more that Alfeegi did, and even when words of fire and heat had been exchanged neither of the two were willing to so easily sacrifice each other to their own personal demons.
Lykouleon had once said, with a smile that held just a touch of warm exasperation, that it was all just a little formulaic. But as the door swung on its hinges and they all fell into a hushed silence, even those who were not as used to this setting as Ruwalk was knew instantly that something was wrong.
Wide eyed and speechless, Alfeegi certainly did. Frozen, he could not seem to find his tongue, and as his knees gave out beneath him he fell silently back into the chair he had only moments before risen angrily out of.
Never once, in the time that Ruwalk had known the erratic couple, had Kai-stern ever been the one to storm out. Too in control, too used to Alfeegi's temper, Kai-stern balanced Alfeegi's fire with an almost casual calmness that tended to irritate his partner further. Kai-stern got angry, but not like this, never like this.
And Alfeegi couldn't move, wouldn't move. But Ruwalk could. Closer to Alfeegi than he was Kai-stern, although few other than Lykouleon and Alfeegi himself could really claim such a distinction, he was far more used to dealing with the rages of his friend than the distance of Kai-stern, but he had a feeling he knew where Kai-stern would be heading.
Ruwalk had once thought that Kai-stern was one of those people whom things simply washed over, never settling long enough to seep through and become something more permanent or scarring. He dealt easily enough with Rath, after all, and his then rocky relationship with Alfeegi had only ever seemed to bring a reaction from the Secretary. Kai-stern parried conflict away with smiles or calmness, and Ruwalk had been foolish enough to believe that nothing ever truly touched him in a damaging manner. That had changed one evening, after Rath had been particularly vicious and Kai-stern particularly bemused. Ruwalk hadn't thought much of it when he'd slipped out for a quiet night on the town and noticed that Kai-stern was resting on the roof outside his bedroom window, a cigarette in hand and a bottle of wine resting on the tiles.
It was a beautiful night, after all. Ruwalk could remember the stars that evening being particularly lovely in the delicate glow of dusk.
Ruwalk's quiet night on the town had been somewhat less so, and his return did not come until late the next day when afternoon had become a mere afterthought. Stumbling slightly in his step, he had been surprised to find that Kai-stern hadn't moved during the night, although now he was half hidden in the shadows that the castle cast. He had supposed that perhaps the other man had possibly gone back out onto the roof again at some stage, although Kai-stern generally wasn't known for neglecting such daily chores as changing his clothes, and any other doubts fell to the side when Ruwalk knocked at the other man's door. It had taken Kai-stern far too long to answer and this time the smile didn't fool even Ruwalk, who it seemed was the last to see through the flimsiest of Kai-stern's defenses. Still only partly sober himself, Ruwalk hadn't said a word, and had simply dragged Kai-stern out to the closest bar, charging their exuberant bar tab to Lykouleon's account. Sorrows were best spilt in wine glasses, and the falls from bar stools were far less than that from too high towers.
It was the dying days of autumn in Draqueen, and wet, wild winds lashed against the castle, the rain more like long whips than drops. Ruwalk had hoped to find Kai-stern somewhere else, anywhere else, but as he crawled along the ledge he was hardly surprised to find Kai-stern there, a saturated cigarette sagging between fingers that were already too white. The wind and rain didn't batter this side of the castle quite so viciously, but Kai-stern's clothes were still already heavy with water and Ruwalk cursed himself for not having thought to tie his hair back, the long strands violently whipping across his face. Kai-stern barely acknowledged him with an impassive glance before returning his gaze to some indefinable spot that was blinded from them both by the grey rain.
"Do you want to talk about it?" His question brought the tiniest of smiles from Kai-stern, an empty, cold smile that Ruwalk wasn't entirely sure who it was meant for.
"Do you?" And Ruwalk grinned a little himself at Kai-stern's response, wondering when he'd taken on a slice of Kai-stern's slightly morbid humor. "Sometimes, I'm not entirely sure whether any of this is quite worth it, anymore." It was a long time before Kai-stern's quiet response came, his words unexpected even though his tired tone was not.
"You mean Alfeegi?"
"Alfeegi. Immortality. Rooftops." Seeming to notice for the first time that his cigarette was useless, Kai-stern flicked it away, and Ruwalk found himself hypnotized by the way it bounced off the tiles before plunging into the darkness of the rain.
"What was the fight about this time?" And Ruwalk had been there, had seem how Kai-stern's drinking tabs had come up and watched on with humored exasperation as Alfeegi had started in on a rant that they all knew by heart. But there had to have been more there, something deeper in his words that only Kai-stern had recognized for such a reaction to have been drawn from the man at his side.
"My spendings on the latest trip. I … overreacted." Kai-stern paused, his smile turning somewhat distracted. "That wasn't exactly normal for me."
It wasn't.
"You're hardly in a normal relationship in the first place." Ruwalk had meant it in jest, an attempt to lighten the mood even a shade, but Kai-stern's face became instantly unreadable and Ruwalk recognized the misstep for what it was.
"Yeah, hardly normal." Suddenly distant, the words sounded almost hollow. "Most of the time, hardly anything. At least, not with Alfeegi." His smile was painfully sharp. "I suppose I'm meant to spend more time in bed with my lover than strangers, but Alfeegi has never seemed to mind."
And Alfeegi was a fool, because it tore him to pieces that Kai-stern never even maintained a pretence of exclusivity whilst he was away on his travels. Alfeegi had told Ruwalk once, in a moment of disconcerting quiet that had unsettled Ruwalk, that it was best that Kai-stern fell into the bed of others if it meant that there was something left of him for Alfeegi to claim when he returned. Alfeegi was deftly afraid that someday Kai-stern simply wouldn't, becoming completely absorbed in his own exile and isolation that was partly of his own making.
What Alfeegi didn't seem to realize was that Kai-stern didn't know this, couldn't know this, and instead of realizing that Alfeegi simply cared too much, saw only that Alfeegi cared too little. It was something Alfeegi was good at, masking his feelings with abruptness or feigned ignorance. Kai-stern saw through the layers most of time, chiding him with a gentle smirk or a slight roll of the eyes.
Most of the time, but not always.
It was why their relationship should never have worked in the first place, least alone for years. Alfeegi had never really experienced love, and so he tended to have trouble recognizing it for what it truly was, both in himself and through Kai-stern. Kai-stern, on the other hand, had loved too much and for far too long, to the point where it had been diluted down to such a point that it was defined by one night stands and offhand compliments. When it came to the most important, definable aspects of their personalities, the two couldn't be more contradictory.
They were also, in the strangest possible way that Ruwalk had never been able to quite make sense of, completely perfect for each other. It was something that he'd never known to be happy about or sorry for. It lead to moments like this, spent out on rooftops in the pouring rain or being a verbal punching bag for an always aggressive Alfeegi. But it also brought out a special form of humor and affection in Kai-stern, one tainted by something that for once wasn't cynicism or tiredness, and Alfeegi …
Alfeegi became more than simply an ideal or a model of perfection. Flawed, real, corrupted by emotions that had nothing to do with work. Ruwalk had never really ever been all that attracted physically Alfeegi, but in the moments where everything between the two was right, Alfeegi became impossibly attractive. Somehow softer without still losing the edge that made him unapologetically Alfeegi, the effect Kai-stern had on Alfeegi was at times disturbing – there had to be a reason, after all, why Alfeegi wasn't like that all the time. Kai-stern was known for keeping everything close to his chest, even his emotions – especially his emotions – so the subtle changes that Alfeegi brought out in him were to be somewhat expected. But Alfeegi was supposed to be far less complicated, Ruwalk had always been sure he was far less complicated.
He'd expected Alfeegi to be far less complicated.
Kai-stern hadn't. Kai-stern, Ruwalk had a feeling, hadn't expected Alfeegi to be anything in particular.
He wondered sometimes, how well he truly knew either of them.
"No-one really knows anyone all that well." It was only when Kai-stern's voice somehow managed to pierce through the howling winds that Ruwalk realized that he had spoken his thoughts in their entirety out loud. "There are too many layers even in those who seem the most simple. All we can hope is that there are people who care enough to still try." The words were said almost emotionlessly, but Kai-stern's gaze held a hint of contemplation. "I overreacted." This time, the words held more conviction. Almost as an afterthought, Kai-stern dug out a new cigarette and brought it to his lips, a wry smile curling there as he realized that the rain had already rendered it useless. "It was stupid to take things out on him, especially since he was just trying to show in his own strange way that he actually cared." The cigarette was tossed idly to the side.
"It was a rough assignment." Ruwalk hadn't needed the blowup at Alfeegi to have realized that the moment Kai-stern had returned to the castle, a wobbly smile in place that wouldn't have fooled Ruwalk even when he had been blinded by Kai-stern's smiles.
"Yeah." Kai-stern didn't go into the details, but then he rarely did. "And I took it out on Alfeegi because I couldn't get passed the thought that it was all his fault."
"The assignment?"
"For somehow making it still all seem worth it." Kai-stern paused. "I missed him." And there it was, no more or no less. As volatile as their relationship could at times be, Ruwalk couldn't imagine anything worse for either of them than being totally cut off from each other. The wind and rain dominated then for several, long minutes, although it hardly mattered anymore. Ruwalk had been soaked through the moment he'd crawled out of the window, rain was the least of his worries, now. He did mean to suggest they move inside and reacquaint themselves with the foreignness of warmth, but the steady beat of the rain had a hypnotic effect on him, lulling him into momentarily calmness. When the moment passed he turned to Kai-stern, the words ready but suddenly not needed. Clutching almost desperately to the windowpane was Alfeegi, his long hair tangling already in the wind and falling in drenched strands over his eyes. Kai-stern seemed stuck in a state of confused bemusement, one that was obviously not shared by the other man whose own gaze was a mixture of fear and annoyance. Still, Alfeegi crawled along the small ledge, the obscenities he was muttering under his breath drowned out by the weather but still easy enough to lip read.
"You were taking too long to come inside," Alfeegi grumbled in response to Kai-stern's unanswered question. The comment broke Kai-stern from his haze, although the confusion lingered.
"How did –"
"You always come up here when you need to think." Alfeegi interrupted with a touch of gruffness in his voice. It was a poor attempt to mask his obvious self-consciousness, and one that Ruwalk doubted fooled Kai-stern. Kai-stern's eyes widened slightly at the comment, and for the slightest of seconds Kai-stern was the most exposed Ruwalk had ever seen him.
He shouldn't be here. Unfortunately, there wasn't exactly anywhere for him to go.
"We're going inside before you both get sick." It was practically an order, one that neither Ruwalk nor Kai-stern were willing to argue with. It was a relief to fall back into the relative dryness of Kai-stern's room, although without the wind or rain to dilute it, the tension between the two men was uncomfortably evident. It was a different tension to the kind that had breathed through their argument earlier, one which was far more personal and much less aggressive. It was a tension that Ruwalk was not meant to be witness to, and as he clumsily made his excuses he was rewarded with a bemused glance from Kai-stern and a disbelieving one from Alfeegi.
He was usually better with words than this, the pair brought out the worst in him. Ruwalk was only lucky that Lykouleon wasn't here to lightly mock him. But it brought him his exit, nevertheless, and as he closed the wind and rain behind him he wished, unapologetically sentimental, for fairer weathers.