After visiting Mrs. McGrady, the "horde of the undead" moved on to Paige Turner's house. "Arrr," snarled Arthur. "This be thy day of reckonin'. Fill our pouches with gold doubloons, or rest at the bottom of Davy Jones' locker with the other scalawags. Fairly warned be thee, says I."

"I hope I have enough candy to go around," said the librarian, fishing through her bowl of miniature chocolate bars. "Seems there are more of you every year."

"Brains!" moaned Buster, lunging at Miss Turner. "Brrraaaiiinnnsss!"

"Sorry, I'm fresh out of brains," said the young woman. "I used them all up studying for the GMAT."

"Give me brains, or I die," insisted Buster. "Wait…I'm already dead."

Having obtained candy, the kids wandered off toward the next house on the block. "Well, that's everyone," said Francine.

"What do you mean?" said Binky incredulously. "We've only been to two houses."

"No," said Francine. "I mean, every single regular character on the show has had a line of dialogue in the fanfic series. Miss Turner was the last."

"What about Miss Sweetwater?" asked Arthur.

"She moved away," Francine told him. "Or died. I don't care which."

"What about my old preschool teacher, Miss Morgan?" asked D.W.

"Nervous breakdown," said Francine quickly.

Fern, who was holding hands with Buster, looked aside and noticed that George and Muffy were similarly intertwined. "Looks like you and George are an item now," she remarked to Muffy.

"Yes, we are," said Muffy proudly. "Watching a baby being born made me realize that I'm gonna want a man in my life sooner or later."

"What about you and Van?" Fern inquired.

Muffy chuckled dismissively. "My relationship with Van has always been platonic. He's like a boy sister to me."

At Mickie's mansion, Van and Zeke were halfway through a large-screen viewing of The Passion of the Christ.

"What's that white stuff mixed in with the blood?" asked Van.

"It's gristle," Zeke told him. "Haven't you ever slaughtered a cow before?"

"Can't say that I have," said Van, feeling a bit queasy.

"I watched my dad do it a bunch of times," Zeke continued. "He knows how to kill a cow so it doesn't suffer at all."

Van nodded, and tried to go on watching as the Roman soldiers slashed Jesus with their whips.

"The trick is to hit her at the base of the skull with a big hammer," said Zeke with relish. "The cow's dead before she knows it."

Van sighed quietly. The soldiers on the screen stripped Jesus naked and started to tear his blood-stained robe to pieces. The duck boy winced with horror.

"He let me cut the skin off once," Zeke went on. "I even cut off one of the ligaments to use as a…"

Van turned his head and glared at the pom boy.

"I'm sorry," said Zeke meekly. "I forgot you're watching the movie."

"Can we watch something else?" Van asked calmly.

"Sure," said Zeke, jumping up. "Mickie's got lots of Jane Austen movies."

"Who's she?" asked Van, following the boy to the spiral stair that led to Mickie's room.

"I think she's related to Stone Cold Steve Austin," Zeke replied.

"I don't like women's wrestling," said Van.

Zeke stopped at the base of the stairway and shrugged. "What do you like?"

Van pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"I think I'll go now," he said in a tone of disappointment. "No offense, but I don't think you're best friend material."

"Best friend?" said Zeke in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Ever since Muffy got together with George, I've been looking for a new best friend," Van explained.

"Huh?" said Zeke. "I thought you and Muffy were…"

"Nope," said Van with finality. "We never even made it to first base."

Their bags filled to the brim with candy, the gang walked back to the elementary school to find that Heath and Dolly were seated on the steps, chatting in an animated manner.

"They've been talking for more than half an hour," George observed.

They heard more of the conversation as they drew closer. "If what you say comes to pass, and the banking system collapses," said Dolly, "then shouldn't we be in a terrible rush to buy precious metals?"

"By that time, the government will have outlawed hoarding of other metals besides gold," was Heath's response. "Trust me, the international banking cartel has taken everything into consideration."

"What the devil are you doing, Dolly?" said Mummy Beat, taking the lead of the group. "Don't you realize you can't believe a word this man says? Vast international conspiracies, indeed."

"As I was saying," continued Heath as if no one had spoken, "after the collapse of the economy leads to widespread panic and disorder, the United Nations will send…"

"Do shut up!" yelled Beat.

Heath let out a wounded sigh as he stood up.

"I've enjoyed our time together," said Dolly to the poodle man. "But I must go now. The Greens are waiting for me."

"Wait!" Heath called out as the cat girl walked into the twilight with her empty bag. "You haven't told me anything about you!"

"Let's all go to Chicken Licken," Arthur suggested.

Heath ranted at the kids as they strolled away. "Don't go to Chicken Licken! It's people! Chicken Licken is people!"

They picked up their pace, but the undeterred reporter pursued them. "Alan!" he shouted. "Alan Powers!"

Startled that Heath had singled him out, Alan turned on his heel. "What?"

"One word," the man begged as he ground to a stop. "Just one word is all I ask."

"Let's hear it," said Alan flatly.

Heath cleared his throat ominously.

"Brainchildren."

to be continued