"Now listen here, whatever your name is," said Mr. Crosswire, waving his finger at the Thrag.
"I am Lieutenant T'l'p'g'r of the Alliance Star Police," the alien introduced himself.
"Now listen here, you," Mr. Crosswire went on. "I have a car business to operate. Every day I'm gone costs the business money. Do you know what money is? Do you aliens even use money?"
"We Thrags are very fond of making money," T'l'p'g'r admitted. "We're asexual, so we don't have much else to do."
Muffy stepped forward. "Why is any of this necessary?" she inquired of the alien. "Why not just look for the Thrag with the bullet wound, and arrest him—er, it?"
"That is but one of the strategies we will employ in our search for the perpetrator," said T'l'p'g'r. "Do not fear, Earth girl. The Thrag Star Police are renowned throughout the galaxy. We're strong, agile, fearless, well-trained, highly intelligent, and we never forget a face."
Never forget a face. The words set off a klaxon of alarm in George's mind.
"But you don't have faces!" exclaimed Muffy.
The alien's helmet seemed to droop slightly. "The Thrags are also renowned for their ugliness—we can't even bear to look upon each other."
"Then it's a good thing you're asexual," Mrs. Nordgren quipped.
"This has all been very pleasant," said her husband to the Thrag. "You've proven to us that intelligent life exists on other worlds, and we're grateful for that. But as for your so-called witness protection program, frankly, you can take it and stick it where the sun don't shine."
"This station qualifies as such a place," said T'l'p'g'r. "Or were you thinking of a location on Earth? Seattle, perhaps?"
Mrs. Crosswire started to chuckle involuntarily.
One of the Thrags flipped a switch on a console, and a large, arch-shaped portal came into view in front of the Earth people. "Once you step through this gateway," T'l'p'g'r told them, "the Provision Theta administrator will brief you on your new home and new identities. Her department is independent of the Thrag Star Police, so you can rest assured that she's not a part of the conspiracy within our ranks."
"I'm not ready to rest assured just yet," said Mr. Crosswire, glaring at the alien's crystalline head. "How long do you expect us to stay at this 'new home'?"
"Until the case is brought to trial," the Thrag replied. "Depending on the outcome, you will have the option to remain in the program or return to your planet of origin. Have no fear—Alliance justice is swift."
All eight—Muffy, her parents, her brother Tyson, George, his parents, his sister Sal—paused before the opaque gateway, fearing to go in. "Are there snakes in there?" asked Sal eagerly.
"All major Alliance cities have extremely effective pest control programs," T'l'p'g'r replied.
"That means they kill snakes," George whispered to his little sister.
"But I like snakes," moaned Sal. And they call themselves advanced, she thought bitterly.
"Wait," said Muffy abruptly. "You said major cities. How major are they?"
"The Earth city you call Paris is a mere village in comparison," the Thrag officer assured her.
A thrill ran through Muffy's heart. "Do they have shopping?" she asked T'l'p'g'r. "Fine dining? Tasteful cultural events?"
"Enough to last you ten human lifetimes," said the alien, nodding its helmet.
Grinning with joy, Muffy looked around at her fellow Earthlings, who still appeared nervous and hesitant. "What are you waiting for?" she chided them. "You're not gonna pass on a chance like this, are you?"
"Yes, Muffy, we are," answered Mr. Crosswire. She could tell that her father's patience was being severely tested, as he always called her Muffin when he was contented.
"Well, I'm not," said Muffy, springing toward the portal. "Catch me if you can!"
Her parents had only a split-second to react before the monkey girl vanished through the glowing passageway.
"Muffy, wait!" cried Mrs. Crosswire, almost dropping Tyson in horror. "Your slip is showing!"
George promptly broke away from his parents and pursued Muffy into the space portal. "Come back!" shouted Mrs. Nordgren, pursuing him in vain.
"She's my girlfriend!" George yelled back. "I'm responsible for…" Then he was gone.
The parents gave each other confused and consternated looks. "Well, let's go after them," Mr. Nordgren suggested.
"That stargate thing could lead to anywhere in the universe," said his wife with apprehension.
"As if we know exactly where we are now," said the moose man with a shrug. "Come on, Sal, we're going after…Sal?"
At that moment, his little daughter was stepping into a dimly lit room with a lush red carpet and what appeared to be chestnut paneling on the walls. The air in the room carried a tinge of lavender and ionization. George and Muffy were conversing quietly in front of the desk, which was nearly twice as tall as they were.
"I just remembered something," George told Muffy. "Remember when Heath said he never forgot a face?"
"Of course," replied Muffy, striking an attractive pose.
"He talked to Dolly the whole time we were trick-or-treating," George recalled. "But when he looked at your picture of the Belnaps, he didn't recognize them, even though Dolly's in Amy Belnap's body."
"So?" said Muffy indifferently.
"If he had recognized Dolly from the picture, he would've wanted to interview her right away," George continued. "I told him that the Belnaps were aliens."
"Cut him some slack, George," said Muffy. "He was nearing the end of his life."
"It seems really fishy to me," George mused.
"I've got no time to solve mysteries now," said Muffy, dancing around excitedly. "I'm about to get my first taste of extraterrestrial haute couture." George gave her a blank look. "That means hot culture in French."
"Look at that!" cried Sal suddenly. "It's a giant troll!"
Muffy and George turned their gaze to Sal's side of the room. A huge creature had entered through a wide doorway, its bulky arms swinging, the braided black hair on its chin quivering as it breathed in and out. A red tunic covered its torso and descended to its knees. As it stomped forward, the kids noted that it was three to four times their height, and crept backwards nervously.
"Welcome," said the creature as it took a seat behind the massive desk. It spoke in a loud, harsh bass voice, and its pupils waved back and forth in its ellipse-shaped eyes. "I am Glieph Lekbog, Provision Theta administrator."
Sal leaned over to her brother. "He looks scary," she whispered.
The alien being had apparently overhead the exchange. "I'm female," she informed the kids. "The males of my species are hairless. That's one way to tell the difference."
"Er, I'm Muffy Crosswire," said Muffy, not daring to walk any closer to the imposing alien official. "This is my boyfriend, George Nordgren, and his little sister, Sal. We're from Elwood City, on Earth."
Glieph fixed her wandering gaze on George. "Your name is now George Elwood," she declared.
"Huh?" said the astonished boy.
Muffy started to giggle. "You're named after your city now," she said mockingly.
The alien turned her eyes to Muffy. "Your name is now Muffy Starbucks," she stated.
Muffy's jaw dropped. "You're coffee," Sal derided her.
"But…but…you can't name me after the coffee guy," Muffy protested. "It's too conspicuous."
"Very well," said the alien. "Your name is now Muff Doggy Dog."
"Muffy Starbucks is a fabulous name," said Muffy hastily.
to be continued