Maria Harris and her first-grade daughter, Nadine, watched tearfully as the news report unfolded on the TV screen.
"Witnesses at Lorraine's Diner in Salem claim that Miss Winslow was having coffee with a short, Caucasian cat woman with blond hair, one green eye, and one blue eye. They say that shortly after the cat woman left, Miss Winslow complained of dizziness and nausea, staggered out of the diner, and collapsed on the sidewalk. She was pronounced dead at Salem Hospital; traces of strychnine and sodium pentothal were found in her bloodstream. Augusta Winslow was wanted by the police for one count of child abandonment, and was a suspect in the disappearance of an Elwood City boy, Van Cooper."
Nadine sniffled miserably. "Mommy," she asked, "is Auntie Augusta in heaven now?"
"Yes, honey, she is," replied Mrs. Harris, wiping her cheeks with a tissue.
"Is she still a woman," the little squirrel girl inquired, "or is she a man now?"
"You're thinking of hell, dear," said Maria.
The shock of Augusta's demise prompted many of her young acquaintances to gather at Francine's apartment. Arthur, Fern, Beat, and Alan arrived at roughly the same time; soon afterward Buster and Binky strolled into the small apartment together.
"Look at that," Francine whispered to Arthur. "They're together again."
"We could just ask them if they're gay," Arthur suggested quietly.
"That's normally Van's job," said Francine, recalling the duck boy's habit of disproving rumors by confronting the affected party directly. "If only he…I mean, she were still here."
The kids fell silent as Alan began to speak. "Why anyone would want to do in Augusta, I can't imagine," he said wistfully. "She nearly destroyed the world three times, but other than that, she never wished harm on any living soul."
"We can't be sure she's gone," said Arthur. "Maybe she has another time-travel duplicate out there somewhere."
"Bollocks to that," Beat muttered.
"The course of action is obvious," said Francine. "Fern, Buster, put on your detective hats and try to figure out whodunit, and why."
Fern looked away from Buster and stuck her nose in the air. Buster, for his part, looked away from Fern and whistled nonchalantly.
"Well?" Francine pressed them. "Have you got a suspect yet?"
"Hush up, Frankie," said Beat sarcastically. "Can't you see they're thinking?"
Sue Ellen and Prunella, in the meantime, knew nothing of Augusta's death. As Principal Haney's Chevrolet carried them through the corn fields of Iowa, they carelessly sang, "Infinity bottles of milk on the wall, infinity bottles of milk, take one down, pass it around, infinity bottles of milk on the wall…"
"Girls, girls!" Mr. Haney complained. "You'll never reach the end of the song like that."
"That's the whole point," said Sue Ellen.
"We also know a song about a hole in the bottom of the sea," added Prunella.
Simone was filing. When a document arrived on her desk, she filed it. When there were no documents, she filed her nails.
This job gets boring sometimes, she mused. But it's a lot better than being a telemarketer in San Francisco.
Suddenly a four-armed male humanoid burst through the embassy doors, waving in each hand a firearm with a long barrel. "Put up your hands!" he barked. "All two of them!"
Bored feeling's gone, thought Simone as she reached for the sky.
Two more similarly dressed, similarly armed humanoids charged into the lobby behind the first. One of them fired several loud volleys into the ceiling. The other approached Simone and felt around her hips in search of concealed weapons.
The first humanoid glared menacingly at the helpless receptionist. "We're looking for the Nordgrens, man," he snarled as a trio of two-headed women with machine guns marched into the building. "Lead us to them, or, you know, we'll kill you."
"All right," said Simone, fighting to contain her fear. "Follow me, and please, don't hurt anybody."
At that moment George, Sal, and their parents were idling away the time at a cafeteria table. "What are we gonna do now, Mom?" grumbled Sal as she poked at a bowl of Jell-O with her spoon.
"Hmm," said Mrs. Nordgren thoughtfully, and then an idea came to her. "Anyone for improv comedy?"
"Yeah!" said George excitedly. "Dad, give me the name of a comic book, and I'll act it out."
As Mr. Nordgren opened his mouth to say "The Powerpuff Girls," three of the four-armed and heavily-armed aliens bounded into the cafeteria and pointed their weapons at the family. "Don't move!" one of them ordered.
Struck with terror, every moose person in the room became solid as a stone. Sal could feel her underpants getting wet.
"Cool your jets, man," said another humanoid to the first. "These cats are from Earth."
The three aliens lowered their firearms and made sheepish faces. "Sorry, man," said the foremost. "You can, like, move all you want. It's cool."
"Who…who are you people?" said Mrs. Nordgren, her tone anxious.
To their surprise, Jenny stepped through the cafeteria entrance and stood alongside the three intruders. "These people are members of the local Black Veil cell," she told the Nordgrens. "When I told them that one of the witnesses to Heath Holcombe's murder was being held captive with his family at the Earth embassy, they leaped into action without so much as combing their hair."
"Hands off Earth, man," said one of the humanoids, waving his fist in the air. "Leave the uncarved block uncarved."
"Remember Homilio IV!" shouted another humanoid.
"What happened at Homilio IV?" asked Mr. Nordgren curiously.
"Homilio IV was a planet of dog people governed by a plutocracy," Jenny related. "The Alliance introduced the concept of a free market, and from then on it was dog eat dog. At the end there was only one dog left, and it was trying to eat its own tail."
"Let's go, you groovy Earth cats," said one of the aliens, gesturing for the Nordgrens to follow. "You're goin' home, baby, home."
With the help of the Black Veil guerrillas, Jenny had the portal to Earth reactivated within minutes. George, Sal, their mother, and their father lined up to pass through and return to the planet they knew, but not before bidding farewell to Jenny, the alien who had been so helpful.
"We'll never forget you," said Mrs. Nordgren tenderly. "Thanks for everything you've done."
"If you ever visit Earth, look us up," Mr. Nordgren added.
Jenny grinned with bemusement. "What's with the goodbyes? Haven't you guessed yet that I'm coming with you?"
"Coming…with…us?" Mrs. Nordgren stammered in disbelief.
"From the looks of things, I no longer have a PT job," said Jenny. "And after the stunt I pulled to get you home, I may even face prison time. On top of that, I've always wanted to experience Earth life firsthand."
"Of course you're welcome to come to Earth with us," said Mr. Nordgren in a friendly tone.
"Yeah," said George. "You'd be great for show-and-tell."
"Uh, how close to Elwood City will the portal take us?" Mrs. Nordgren wanted to know.
"As close as you need," was Jenny's reply.
Without further discussion, the Nordgrens and Jenny stepped into the shimmering gateway. Their antlers tingled for a short moment, and then their feet landed on solid ground…
…in the middle of Francine's living room.
Francine, Arthur, Buster, Fern, Beat, Alan, and Binky gaped at the moose family and the artichoke-headed alien who had abruptly materialized before them. The Nordgrens gaped back.
Jenny shrugged. "When I was setting the coordinates, I thought, why not jump you forward in the story as well?"
"That was very thoughtful," said Mrs. Nordgren.
Fern cheered with delight. "George is back! George is back!"
"We were worried about you, man," said Binky, slapping the moose boy's shoulder forcefully.
Buster regarded Jenny with amazement. "You're the weirdest alien I've ever seen," he remarked.
"Give me a trophy," said Jenny peevishly.
"What's going on, guys?" George asked his friends. "Why are you all having a big meeting?"
"Augusta's dead," Arthur informed him. "Somebody poisoned her."
George's eyes nearly burst out of his face. "Augusta? Dead?"
"Any idea who killed her?" said Jenny in a cool, rational trio of voices.
"All we know is," Beat told the alien girl, "she was drinking coffee with a blond cat woman when she staggered outside and collapsed, and the coroner found strychnine and sodium pentothal in her bloodstream."
"Sodium pentothal?" said George with interest. "That's truth serum."
"Yes, I know," said Beat. "The cat woman must have wanted some information from Augusta. The question is, what information, and why was it important enough to kill for?"
"Excuse me," Francine interjected. "I hate to interrupt your murder investigation, but I have to ask George a question. Do you happen to know where Muffy is?"
George lowered his face in shame. "I forgot all about Muffy," he admitted. "She's still on the planet Orelob. She says she wants to live there, and so do her parents."
"Back to the matter at hand," said Jenny, unintentionally amusing the kids with her triplicate voice. "You may not be aware of this, but the Alliance is full of people who want nothing more than to see Augusta Winslow dead. She's about a million times less popular than your Osama bin Laden. Whether she ever hurt anyone in her life is irrelevant, because a woman identical to her in every way destroyed seventy-six planets."
"Are you suggesting an alien murdered her?" said Fern in wonder.
"Omigosh!" cried Alan, slapping his cheek in dismay. "The Yordilian refugees! Why didn't I think of that before?"
"What Yordilian refugees?" George blurted out.
"Oh, I'm sorry, George," said Beat gently. "You weren't here when four thousand cat women from Yordil beamed down to Minnesota."
George could only place his hands over his temples and moan in horror. "Ooooh…ooooh…"
"You got a toothache?" said Binky.
The moose boy shook his head to regain his composure. "It's worse than I suspected," he said with alarm. "Heath Holcombe was working for the Yordilians. The Alliance did vote to cut off contact with Earth. And now the Yordilians are here!"
"Don't hyperventilate, son," his father warned.
"There are only four thousand of them, George," Alan pointed out. "That's not enough to conquer the world. England, maybe."
"Hey!" Beat protested sharply.
"Maybe their goal isn't conquest," Jenny theorized. "Maybe they only want to eliminate anyone who has the potential to become another Dark Augusta."
The kids paused for a moment, letting Jenny's idea sink into their minds.
Then Alan and Buster turned to each other with expressions of pure terror.
"PETULA!" they cried.
The entire group of kids spontaneously ran to Buster's condominium, the soles of their shoes barely touching the pavement. Jenny ran with them, making long, rubbery strides and attracting much attention from passers-by. They fount Bitzi half-asleep on the couch, with her new baby squirming in a bassinet on the floor.
"Mom! Wake up!" shouted Buster.
"Huh?" mumbled the bespectacled rabbit woman. "Uh, the Jolly Ranchers are in the second drawer from the right."
"Petula's in danger," said Buster frantically. "I'm almost two hundred percent sure that the aliens from Yordil want to kill her!"
"Wh-who wants to…" said Bitzi as she sat up groggily. Her protective instincts kicking in, she grabbed the handle of Petula's bassinet and stood up. Then her unfocused eyes made out the image of Jenny's artichoke head and pointed ears, and she screamed.
"Calm down, Mom," urged Buster.
"Don't touch my baby!" shrieked the terrified woman.
"Mom, relax," said Buster in a calming tone. "Jenny's a friend. She's not the alien who wants to kill Petula."
"That's right," said a stern female voice from the doorway. "I am."
Buster, Arthur, Francine, Fern, Binky, George, and Beat whirled. In front of them stood a muscular cat woman with unruly brown hair, clad in a business dress that didn't fit her. In her right hand she clutched a revolver.
to be continued