Chapter 32 – A Change in Feelings
Boone seemed to realize, sometime midmorning after his fiftieth smoldering glance had been ignored, that her little declaration didn't mean anything. It was just another scratch she had made on his dwindling self-esteem – wasn't the first, probably not the last.
If she had said she didn't know why she was ignoring him, she would be lying, because she most certainly did. It was because, she was torn. She was in love with him, she would admit, she was so over that dilly-dallying crap, and it wasn't that she didn't want to be with him, it was more just that she couldn't. And she knew that their feelings, the physical attraction, everything… would get overwhelming, they'd be smothered.
And to solve this problem she spent half an hour on her makeup and sat down by a piece of plane and read a travel magazine. "Good to know you're doing something productive with your time," she heard his voice say. She looked up. There was Boone, looking sweaty and hot (in more ways than one) and trying to act normal, holding a water bottle and pouring it over his shoulders, like he had been working hard. She wondered why he was already covered in dirt, he hadn't been anywhere yet today, had he? She made the decision to confront him – she had been so preoccupied in her fear that she somehow hadn't realized how suspicious his constant absence was.
"Where have you been?" She asked, squinting at him.
"What do you mean where have I been?" He dodged.
"You and Locke have been leaving before sunrise and coming back after dark for the last four days. What are you doing out there? Is he your new boyfriend?" She added the last bit in just to annoy him. He smirked at her.
"We're looking for Claire." Yeah, for four days? After the rain had washed away the trail?
"I thought there was no trail anymore, that no one even knew where to look," she pointed out condescendingly.
"Yeah, well, at least I'm doing something. Don't you see the way they look at us around here. They don't take us seriously. We're a joke. I'm trying to contribute something. You're just. . . you're useless." Oh no, not the U-word. Useless? She thought for a moment, chagrined.
"Useless?" She repeated slowly. "Like, a leaf or something? Totally pointless, you could just… I don't know, step on me and it wouldn't matter?"
"I don't know, maybe you'd grow three more heads." He smiled at his own joke.
"Oh, fuck you and your Greek Mythology jokes. You're not funny. You're not cool, so why don't you just shut up? I'm not useless, okay?"
"Are you just going to pretend what you said last night didn't happen?" Luckily, Shannon was spared, because Locke was summoning Boone. She anticipated his "try to patch things up" speech he was about to make hastily before he left. "I'm sorry. I just wish you would do something."
"Stay out there as long as you want." She started out nicely. "See if I fucking care if you ever come back." He looked at her.
"I can't say anything, can I? Without being afraid of what you're going to say to me next?"
"Boone!" She heard Locke call. She looked over at him.
"Don't you dare tell your new best friend about us, Boone." She said darkly as he left.
The rest of the day passed similarly. At about eleven in the morning, Sayid (he had finally come back to camp like a madman shouting, "There are others!" As if Claire's disappearance hadn't proven that) approached Shannon and asked her to help him translate some random thing on some random maps that he randomly explained to her. When he asked her, she was convinced that Boone, that stupid fucker, had insisted that somebody tell her to do something useful, but Sayid said that he had actually done this on his own accord. And when Shannon thought about it, she realized that it made sense, because Boone would never actually suggest that she spend time with another man.
Since Shannon's French frankly sucked, she had a lot of trouble with the translations on the map, from the French woman they had heard on the radio weeks before. When Sayid went into the jungle on his guilt trip, he had run into her, and stolen her maps… and now Shannon was meant to translate them, apparently. Not only was it embarrassing that she kept messing up, she also kept noticing that Sayid kept sneaking glances at her. Eyes off, pervert, she thought, noticing with disgust his grossly long fingernails. After a while, Sayid made some assy remark, like it was her fault what that crazy woman had written didn't make sense, and Shannon had stalked off, crying.
Then she sat for a while, thinking about Boone and how much she would rather be with him. But he was off in the jungle, as usual, with his buddy Locke. What were they doing? She doubted now that they were looking for Claire, and unless they were like, lovers or something (yeah, Boone was entitled to getting some, operative word being some), they must have found something, she decided. She would ask him that night. She crossed her arms, looking out to sea. She wished that she could see beyond it, where the next area of land was – then it wouldn't seem so far from civilization… beyond… the sea… a light bulb went off in Shannon's head! That was it! The thing that she had been translating had been the song, "Beyond the Sea"! Stupid Pierre had always watched that movie, and at the end, they played that song in French! She stood up, wrapping her shawl around her shoulders, and went towards the fires in the darkness. She sat down next to Sayid and told him what she had discovered. She sang the song just for the hell of it as well. She would have sang just one verse, but then she glanced towards a tree, and noticed with surprise that Boone was standing there, looking completely furious, so she sang the whole song just to torture him. But by the end of the song, she had forgotten Sayid's presence and was staring straight at Boone.
"That's a nice song," Sayid told her, and Shannon zoned back into reality.
"Have you heard it before?"
"Never." He cleared his throat. "But thank you, Shannon, that makes more sense now. I am sorry that I got frustrated. Maybe we can be friends now." Shannon resisted the urge to crack up. Or spit on the ground. Friends? Yeah, right…
"Sure," she composed herself. "Friends." She hoped he wouldn't interpret that the wrong way. He smiled, looking like he very well might have interpreted that the wrong way.
Maybe if Boone kept leaving and she got desperate enough, they could be "friends" just to pass the time. "I got to go," she said, "See you!" Sayid smiled his creepy, leering smile again. Shannon walked over to Boone, still rather amused by the "we can be friends" sermon. Honestly, she was incredibly happy to see him, she hoped he would stay the night. But she seriously suspected that he might be in a rather pissy mood.
"Hey, you!" She exclaimed, giving him a hug. He returned the hug, the furious expression he had held moments ago forgotten. She hoped Sayid wasn't watching when he deepened the hug, wrapping his arms around her waist and running his hands down her back briefly. "Why do you keep leaving every day?" She dropped the question in casually, still hugging him. Maybe if he was distracted, he'd tell her.
"We're hunting for boar, actually – "
"Boone!" Locke came up to them, and since Shannon didn't give a fuck what Locke thought of her, still clung onto Boone. Maybe that would show him that she didn't want him to leave anymore.
"Yeah?" He asked, trying to ignore the arms she still had draped around his torso.
"When do you want to get going?" He gave Shannon a flash of a smile. Shannon finally dropped her arms and stood next to him, still quite close. She wanted Locke to know who Boone really belonged to.
"Um, I don't know, like – "
"I thought you said that you were going to stay here tomorrow!" Shannon said, even though he hadn't.
"I never said that. Did I say that?"
"Yeah." Shannon answered unconvincingly.
"I didn't say that," he dismissed tiredly.
"I was thinking around nine, since we got such an early start yesterday." Locke decided.
"Why do you make him leave at like, five in morning?" Shannon asked, annoyed. "I mean, he's not your slave."
"Shannon," Boone said, but she ignored him.
"No, it's fine." Locke told Boone. "Continue what you were saying."
"I was finished," she spat, stepping closer to Boone.
"See you at nine. You know where to meet, correct?"
"Yeah, I'll see you." Boone nodded, and Locke walked away. Boone was going to open his mouth to argue, but Shannon was faster, wrapping her arms around his shoulders again and holding him close.
"I did something today," she looked up and him. They were usually about the same height, but Shannon was slumped in his embrace, so she looked smaller.
He smiled down at her, unable to resist her cuteness, and responded, "What?"
"I translated this thing for Sayid, it's like this map from that French lady, but it's weird cuz it's actually just that song from Finding Nemo. That they played at the end, 'Beyond the Sea', you know?"
"That's weird."
"Yeah. It is. But you know what's weirder? That you've been disappearing all the time. Where have you been going? I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
"Answer my question."
"I've told you, we're hunting for boar," he pulled back. "Why don't you believe me?"
"You never bring anything back. Why are you hiding things? I don't hide anything from you."
He snorted. "Yeah, right."
But Shannon didn't want to argue right now. "You look exhausted," she pulled him towards her again, taking his hand. "Come on, let's go to sleep." He looked down at his hand, weighing the options.
"Okay," he said finally, and when they arrived, the inevitable happened, and as they kissed tenderly, he lay her into the sand, quietly undressing her.
"I love you," she whispered. She had gotten really bad the last few days about being the stronger one who didn't wear her fucking heart on her sleeve, but lately, it was like she was the desperate, clingy one – maybe she was getting weaker, or maybe she was just falling more in love with him. He held her hands, kissing her neck, but not returning the words.
When they were done and she was almost asleep, she heard him mutter, "Do you?" Neither Shannon or the dark night sky responded.
The next morning before he left and after Sayid had given her a pair of shoes he had found in the wreckage, Boone pulled Shannon behind a tree and kissed her deeply as his goodbye. She kissed back, pulling him closer to her when he tried to leave, but he just gave her a reluctant look and went off into the jungle. That night, he didn't come back at all, and when he got back midmorning the next day, Shannon could have sworn he was avoiding her. What had she done? Was he mad at her?
"Boone," she tapped him on the shoulder when he was refilling his water bottle. He almost jumped, and then turned around. Well, so much for the hello-kiss she had been expecting.
"Wh-what?" he asked.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I need to go," he said, and followed Locke somewhere. Frustrated, Shannon threw a rock at him, but missed.
"Fuck you!" She yelled. Why couldn't they just be?
"Shannon," Sayid walked up to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. She stepped away.
"What?" She composed herself.
"Are you alright?" He looked rather amused at her rock-throwing antics.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She huffed. "What's going on?"
"I'm going to go talk with Jack about the maps. As our resident translator," he smiled at his own joke. Shannon yawned. "I thought you could come."
"Sure," she answered sarcastically, but he didn't recognize her sarcasm. "Let's go."
Jack and Sayid were talking about the map and the French Woman, Shannon completely lost, when Michael walked up and proclaimed passionately, "What are we talking about doing now? Looking for another excuse to get chased down and killed by whatever lives in the jungle? Guys, we can't keep doing this. Building water filtration systems? Playing golf? Making a sweet little home here? We need to get off this island!"
"You think any of us want to be here?" She asked.
" No. But I don't think anyone wants to get off as much as I do right now." Michael responded, which Shannon thought was a little self-centered. I mean, why was his getting off so much more important?
"So, are you suggesting something?" Jack asked in a nasal voice.
"Yeah, we build a raft." Said Michael confidently.
"A raft?" Sayid repeated. Yeah, like a boat, dumbass.
"Look, don't say it like that, man. We need a little optimism here, okay? And we've got to do something because let's be honest, no one's coming. Those seats we took off the fuselage, they float. We've got an axe, and a whole bunch of trees, bamboo. We can do this." Jack and Sayid began arguing with Michael about how unrealistic it was, and after Michael stalked off, they decided that it actually would be a good idea. Just then, Shannon had a thought. Maybe if she helped out too, she could convince Boone to help as well, which would get him away from Locke! Now all she had to do was find him.
Luckily, she ran right into him as he was coming back with Locke. She fidgeted with the skirt that she had put on just for the occasion. Most of her skirts were short, but this one was like, especially so, so maybe it would help convince him.
" Boone. Hi. So are you guys just going to keep coming back without any food?"
He didn't answer, looking very distracted. Or distant. Or something. "Hey, I'm serious."
"Uh-huh." He stared above her head. Why wasn't he looking at her?
"What's going on with you, Boone? Could you be acting any weirder?" She asked, stepping closer to him to really confront him.
"Shannon, you've been a functioning bulimic since junior high. I thought you'd be excited about dropping a size or two." She ignored him.
"Well, since you're not having any luck with hunting maybe you should help Michael. He's building a raft." She paused, but the expression on his face hadn't changed. "I was thinking I would help him out, maybe finally get the hell out of here. Why don't you help me?" She added a playful, seductive tone to the last part.
"No," he said forcefully. She squinted, taken aback. "Thanks." She tried not to let him through, but he scaled around her, walking away.
What the hell? He never refused when she asked him things! Just two days ago he had been thrilled when he found out that she was doing something productive! She tried to fight back tears as she sat down on a log. But it wasn't long until she started crying, the tears obscuring her vision. There was nothing like being shot down by the man you were in love with.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I should be studying for finals… but I will once I submit this! Okay, so Shannon and Boone are sort of switching a little bit in the next few chapters. And I officially got through the first bit of Shayid. Without puking. Unfortunately, the worse is still to come. Please review!