Woof: Okay, wow, thank you! So glad you're joining us and thanks very much for the review.
Rainbow: Constructive criticism is great, but that doesn't mean I don't like begin told that you're enjoying the story as well. Thanks!
Princess Jennifer: LoL! Well, here you go, it might make you stop shouting obscenities at Kit, but we'll see.
Dante Reaver: How did I think of it? Just my genius coming into effect:p Hah, glad you're enjoying.
Chaimera: I'm not convinced this is the kind of position you wanted me to put Kit and Jack in, but hopefully you won't mind it so much.
LilCosette: Pull up a pew! Glad you decided to join us. Thank you so much for your review and I'm so glad you're liking the fic.
Earthdraco: I like your ideas about the nursery rhyme. That's the gist of what I had in mind, but I also think it's got a really creepy tune and I thought that added to Rose's mental state.
Thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed. I'm at just under 200 reviews and am completely gob-smacked. You guys ROCK!
Notes: Okay, so this is another Kit centric chapter, but it is from Jack's perspective. I know some of you aren't all that keen on original characters, but, as you may recall, Kit holds the key to the Doctor and Jack finding Rose, so she has to be involved to a certain extent.
WARNING: This chapter content is particularly dark. I had no intention of going in this direction, but it happened. It involves content that some people may find offensive. You have been warned.
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Part Twelve: Breaking Pointxxxxx
There's an ominous sound coming from the TARDIS and it instantly spurs him into action. He's not sure what he's supposed to do, but he knows he has to do something. The corridors are realigning themselves before his eyes and it takes him by surprise to find that all routes lead to a door he has never seen. He frowns before knocking, but quickly deduces that he's going to get no reply.
Opening it slowly, a hand on his pistol – even though he knows that TARDIS would never lead him into unknown danger without warning – and his eyes alert, he walks into the room. There's minimal lighting, but even with that he knows instantly where he is; this is Kit's room.
The Doctor has told him what he can about Kit over the last few days; her quirky sense of humour (Jack has his doubts that there's anything that isn't irritating about her, though), her innuendo (why she refuses to rise to his he has no idea), and her bizarre love of interior décor. Her room reflects the latter quite assuredly.
He takes a moment to glance around. Instantly he finds a calming presence in the dark red walls, covered in rugs and hangings from various planets across the universe, the mirrored cupboards, the scent of incense in the air, the candles scattered about, and the plush bedding.
Wouldn't mind taking that for a spin, he thinks with a wide grin, before sobering and scanning his surroundings for something amiss. He knows that the TARDIS has a sense of humour that sometimes baffles him, but he also knows a call to arms when he hears one. The TARDIS wanted him here for a reason and he knows has to act quickly.
Spotting an ajar door in the corner, he moves quickly towards it, but instantly wishes he hadn't. Parts of the small bathroom are also decorated in red, but this isn't paint. It's blood. Kit's blood.
"You stupid, stupid kid!"
He quickly kneels down, gently lifting her head from the awkward position it's lying in against the side of the tub. He knows she's naked, wet from a bath, but he can barely see anything but the vivid red liquid covering most of her body.
He picks her up and turns, carefully manoeuvring her from the bathroom and races as quickly as he can to the hallways. The TARDIS hears his prayers and the route to the Doctor's makeshift medical room is short. He's had battle training, but he wasn't prepared for this. He's seen soldiers take their own lives and he's seen it in various horrific ways, but there was always a difference. He'd never felt as if he was to blame before.
"Don't you dare die on me," he says as his training kicks in. He begins to do what he can to stop the bleeding. Her eyes are sluggish and her pulse weak, but she's alive for the moment. "The Doctor will never leave me alone with you again if you kick the bucket," he says, needing to speak even though his humour is falling flat.
He hopes the TARDIS has the Doctor running back to them quickly, but he can't waste time praying for the older man to return. He knows what to do and, thankfully, he's doing it as if it's second nature to him.
"Please."
The whisper sounds louder than a horn blast. He turns to see her eyelids flickering in his direction.
"Don't make me go back."
She's barely able to form the words without choking on tears.
His fault.
The two words refuse to leave his head. He never meant any harm, but he pushed. He pushed her because she holds the key to Rose. He pushed too hard.
"Hey, wait up."
"Leave me alone, Jack."
He glares as he approaches her. "Hey, I have an idea, why don't you tell us where we can find Rose, we'll dump you on the nearest planet, and then I'll leave you alone."
"Oh, I have an idea; piss off."
She pushes past him, continuing down the corridors of the TARDIS, but refuses to let her leave.
"The Doctor might be willing to let you 'remember' on your own time, but I'm not an idiot Kit, you know where Rose is and you are going to take us to her."
"Leave. Me. Alone."
He spots the tears in the edges of her eyes, but he doesn't care. She's holding them back. Rose's life is at stake. The Doctor's losing her, the TARDIS is losing her, and Jack feels as if he lost her a long time ago. He wants her back.
"Rose is worth ten of you. She wouldn't care if it hurt, she'd help us find you if the situation was reversed." Kit stops walking and he knows he's hit the mark. "And you know it."
"Well, maybe I'm not as strong as she is," she replies, but doesn't turn around.
"Or maybe you're just being selfish."
This time she does turn. "Selfish? Selfish! You have no idea what I've been through! I could barely remember myself until recently and I don't want to remember."
Jack sighs and takes a step towards her. "Kit, I know what it's like to lose-"
"No, Jack, you don't. You don't know and you just don't get it! You don't know what it's like for them to take away your touch, or your eyes, or your hearing. You don't know what it's like to be forced to walk around naked in crowds, or to have to spend every day remembering why it is that you're there; because the one person you thought loved you more than anything else in the universe refused to try; refused to stop it because he had more fear of his King than love for his fiancé. You don't know what it's like to be alone in a sea of people, naked, stripped of everything; your dignity, your senses, everything! I had nothing. I barely knew who I was. All I knew what to think, and say, and feel was the word 'no' and I didn't even remember why.
"He offered me a way out, a way to not remember and I took it. I took it because I wanted it to end. I couldn't even kill myself because how could I even attempt it? I couldn't see, hear, feel, smell, or speak. There was nothing but 'no'. I'd said it so many times that when he offered me a way out all I could think was that I didn't want to say, 'no' any more. So I said 'yes'. I didn't choose Rose, he did. I didn't choose to be given her life, he did. But it was still my fault and you're asking me to remember that. You're asking me to remember that I destroyed someone the same way someone else destroyed me and I'm sorry if I don't really want to do that."
"You have to."
"But that doesn't mean I want to, Jack."
He watches as she turns from him and continues to walk away. This time he lets her. He only hopes that she realises that the world of pain that she just described is what Rose is living through right now…he hopes she's strong enough to survive it. Because what Kit's talking about it torture and he wouldn't wish that on anyone…especially their Rosie.
"Kit, can you hear me?"
She mumbles slightly and her shoulders lift off the table as she attempts to move. A moment later, her eyes open and focus on the Doctor.
"Well, that was pretty stupid," he says, his eyebrows indicating humour, but Jack can see the worry slowly easing from his brow as she offers him a faint smile.
"I wanted to bring a bit of life to my bathroom," she says with morbid humour and he chuckles, but Jack fails to see the funny side of it. She tried to kill herself and, despite the fact that he's sorry for the pain she's going through, no one seems to be thinking that Rose is going through the same things Kit's reliving in her memories. Kit can't handle it…what if Rose can't either.
Finally, she sits, amidst the Doctor's protests, and turns to look at him. Her eyes are dull and he hopes that Rose's don't ever look that sad. It's bad enough that hers do and she's not as important to Jack as Rose is.
"I'm sorry," he says softly as the Doctor slips out of the room.
She frowns. "Why are you sorry?" He doesn't answer, but she seems to understand why. "Surprisingly enough, Jack, this wasn't about you. I could make some crack about the world not revolving around you, but something tells me the impending argument about that isn't at the forefront of your mind." He doesn't smile. "Jack, this was about me."
"No, Kit, that's what you don't get, this is also about-"
"Rose, I get it," she says spitefully. "If I die, you have no way to find your precious Rose." He makes to interrupt her, but she continues. "I left all the information you need in the TARDIS, Jack." She gives him a moment to take in the information. "I might be selfish and you might hate me, but, whatever you think, I do care. It's my fault she's there and even if it wasn't, I happen to like the Doctor. He loves Rose and I wouldn't keep her from him for anything in the universe because he's been through enough and he deserves to be happy."
The room falls into silence and Jack sighs, running a hand through his hair. He hears a slight chuckle and looks up to see Kit looking at him amusedly. He looks down and understands why; the TARDIS had interrupted his shower when she had alerted him to find Kit, so his towel was all he was wearing.
"Want a peek?" he asks with a wink. Her look implies that she definitely doesn't and he chuckles. "You're wounding my pride here, Kit."
"You'll get over it," she says. "Maybe one day you'll even get over yourself."
"You know you want me."
She doesn't reply, but he's not stupid enough to think that it's anything to do with his last comment. The girl just tried to kill herself and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to handle that. He barely knows her and he doesn't exactly like her, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care whether or not she lives or dies. She seems alone as she sits in front of him, covered in the warm blanket he found in one of the room's many cupboards. She also seems so young.
"Don't ever do that again." His words are soft, but they don't allow for any mistake about whether or not he means them. She looks at him, frowning, but before she can reply he continues. "We might not get along, Kit, but how do you think it feels to see…that?" He can't even say it and he's not sure he wants to. He doesn't want to make it about him, but the image is burned into his mind; no one should have to see pain like that. Or worse yet, feel it.
"Death would have been a release."
"Death's a copout." She looks angry. Good, that's what he wants. He wants her to feel again, wants her to feel something other than pain. Anger's not that much better, but it's strong and it's a start.
"You have no idea what I feel."
"You're right and I won't pretend that I do, but I have seen more death than you could ever imagine. I lost two years of my life as well, two years that I don't know anything about. I have seen people die and I've found people dead before. It's not something I want to experience again. Don't try to pretend like you're the only one who feels pain."
She's silent, looking down at her hands and when she finally looks at him, he thinks he sees something in her eyes. He thinks he sees a small part of why the Doctor likes her. But it's surrounded by fear and pain and he's not sure if she'll ever be able to find that person again. From the sounds of it, he's not even sure if she ever really was that person, not if her memories were fake. Something tells him that she was, though, some part of him just…knows.
"I can't go back there."
"You won't be alone, Kit. The Doctor wouldn't let you go through that alone."
"I can't go back," she says again, shaking her head.
"That man will not hurt you again."
"You can't possibly stop him." She smiles sadly.
"Just watch me."
She stares at him for a moment before taking a deep breath and nodding. "Why did you do it?"
"What?"
"Help me."
He frowns at her. "You honestly think I would just let you kill yourself?"
She shrugs. "I don't know anything anymore."
"Yes, you do."
There's another silence, only this time it's not as awkward as before. She slips down from the table, clutching at her blanket. There's a look of determination in her eyes and he's glad to see it. She indicates the door.
"I'm going to go get dressed."
He frowns, not wanting to let her go alone, but knowing that any suggestion otherwise would only be seen the wrong way. He hesitates and she rolls her eyes.
"I've seen enough of my blood for one day, Jack."
He shakes his head. "No. I promise I won't look, but I'm not leaving you alone."
After a pause, she nods and continues. "Okay. We'll go get dressed and head to the control room. I think we've waited long enough." He looks at her hopefully and she nods. "Let's go get Rose."
"Thank you."
She nods and turns, walking to the doorway, but he calls her name making her stop. He's not sure why, but he thinks she needs to hear it.
"He will pay, Rose," Jack says with determination. "He will pay for what he did to you and he will pay for what he's done to Rose."
"I know," she says, nodding slowly. "The Doctor's going to kill him, isn't he?"
Jack doesn't answer directly, but what he says is answer enough.
"Not if I get to him first."
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End of Part Twelvexxxxx
Okay, so next stop we arrive! Only a few more chapters left of this one and it's getting darker by the minute. I had no idea this chapter was going to have anything to do with suicide and I would like to remind people that everyone has their own experiences with depression and that no reaction is the 'right' way to do things, so please don't criticise this one. Not everyone will react the same way.
I hope you're all still following avidly and I would especially appreciate any comments on this chapter, merely because the content is making me all the more nervous about posting it.