Notes: Writing is something I've always loved, and I've always appreciated that writers must put a part of themselves into everything that they write. However, posting the previous chapter left me feeling despondent, edgy, and something akin to what it must be like to have stood naked before a crowd of strangers. I have never done the latter, but I can only imagine it's the same feeling of exposure and the same anxiety that you won't suddenly be hit by a blunt object for daring to bare yourself in public. The only way I felt I could get over it was to continue to write as soon as possible and, in an effort to maintain some semblance of composure, here is the next part.
I just want to thank those of you who reviewed the last chapter and thank you especially for your honesty.
EDITED BECASE I SCREWED UP THE TENSE ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH. DOH!
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Part Thirteen: Innocence Lostxxxxx
Anger; that's all he can feel. It's pouring through every fibre of his being and he wants revenge. He's not even sure who he's angry at. No, that's not true. He knows he's angry at Kit, for even thinking of doing what she did, he knows he's angry with Agnon, beyond angry in fact, but he's so much more angry with himself. He's angry that he lost Rose, that he forgot her, no matter what caused it; he's angry that he lost Jack as well; and he's angry that he didn't foresee that Kit was so affected by the memories that were resurfacing. Her reaction worries him, which only serves to make him angrier with himself, because the worry he feels is for Rose. He's worried about whether or not she's strong enough to survive long enough for him to get there. He knows what it's like to feel despair, he's lost more than any one of his companions could ever hope to comprehend, but he knows humans and he should have been able to stop all this.
There's a noise from the corridor and he looks up to see Kit and Jack enter the room, both of them now fully dressed. Kit seems uneasy on her feet and if circumstances were different he'd have her confined to her bed…or rather, he'd try to. He knows how stubborn Kit can be. He's not sure what it is about this reincarnation that seems to attract stubborn companions, but he hopes his future self remembers what he's letting himself in for should he chose another.
"How're you doing?" he asks softly.
"I'm alive," she replies and he sighs. "I'll be better when this is all over. I think it was better not knowing."
He nods, but says nothing.
"Sorry we took so long," she continues, swaying slightly and alarming Jack who's standing behind her. She regains her footing and keeps going. Her tone is light, but he knows she's putting it on. "Jack insisted on perving on me while I got dressed."
He almost says 'good, someone had to keep an eye on you', but instead he smiles. She wants to keep things light and that's something the Doctor can understand.
"She spoiled it by making me turn around," Jack replies, but the Doctor can see that his tone is forced.
He can see the effort Jack's making to keep things light. It only makes him realise how bad it must have been; Jack never usually has problems keeping things light and flirty. It's one of the things that made the man so attractive as a companion. The Doctor knows he's prone to moments of melancholy, sometimes he finds it so hard to keep himself going; Jack is the perfect cure. But right now, his companion is floundering and, when Kit sways again, he decides enough is enough.
"Kit, sit down," he finally says. She looks set to retort when she stumbles and is saved only from an introduction with the floor when Jack grabs hold of her. He lifts her up, amidst protests, and sits her on one of the panels of the central control and the TARDIS helps by making it flat enough for her to remain seated.
"Stay," Jack says and turns to join him at the other side. He thinks better of it and, before Kit has even had the chance to reply, he turns back again. "And, for once in your life, please don't argue."
The Doctor is pretty sure it's the 'please' that stops her from saying anything. She nods and he breathes a sigh of relief. He wonders exactly what it was, exactly what memory drove her to do what she did. He knows she'll never confide that in him, but he hopes she's realised that living is the best choice, because he doesn't want to lose another companion. He knows her plans for after they find Rose and he only hopes she decides she wants to stay alive to see them through.
"Stupid," Jack mutters and the Doctor turns to look at him questioningly. With a quick glance to make sure that Kit won't hear him, Jack turns to him. "I called her Rose," he whispers, berating himself. "The girl just about killed herself and I couldn't even get her damn name right."
"She understands." Jack just looks at him. "If she let it slide, then trust me, she understands."
"We can't leave her alone."
He nods. "She needs to face her fears."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"It might be the only thing that'll help her get over this."
The Doctor knows Kit can hear them, but he thinks she needs to realise how much she scared them. The moment he had heard the TARDIS calling him back he had feared the worst, but he wasn't ready to see that. He'd had to leave the room the moment he had realised she was all right; well, as all right as she could be under the circumstances, because as much as Kit means to him and as glad as he is that she's still with them, under all that blood, he kept seeing another face; one matted with blonde hair.
"How long?" Kit asks, breaking into the silence that's fallen, almost as if she needs something to be happening so that she doesn't have to focus what's going on inside her head.
"Nearly there," Jack replies and the Doctor glad that he does, because he doesn't think he could reply.
They're almost there. Rose is almost within reach and somehow that's so much worse. It's worse because he wants time to speed up and it's worse because more than that he wishes he could just go back in time to the point they last saw her and make sure that none of this ever happened. But he can't, because she needs to be the one to call out to him or he wouldn't know who she was right now. Sometimes time is a curse and this, he decides, is one of those times. He knows Kit holds the memories, but he also knows that the only reason she's allowing herself to remember is for him; she's doing it because she knows how much he needs Rose. Kit's not entirely selfish, but she was happy in the delusion that had been created for her and he can understand why she wanted to pretend it was real, even when the memories began to resurface…especially when they did.
The TARDIS shudders and his hearts almost stop.
They've arrived.
"We're here," Jack says, rather redundantly, but it needed to be said or the Doctor's not sure how long he would have remained rooted to the spot.
He instantly begins to move towards the door and he's glad that Jack doesn't seem to want to let Kit out of his sight, because he doesn't think he could handle that on top of everything else. The doors open and everything is just wrong. The twin suns are shining, the birds are singing, the grass and trees are a vibrant shade of green, and the flowers are in bloom; it makes him want to scream at the injustice of it all, because, somewhere on this too bright planet, Rose is dying.
They walk towards the trees on a route that's becoming more familiar by the second as the wind whips about them in a gently frenzy of leaves. His feet are leading him on a journey that his mind doesn't remember, but is so anxious to finish.
As the trees begin to part, he sees a small village below them and, overshadowing it all: a castle on a hill.
He hears a panicked gasp behind him and turns to see Kit struggling to get away. Jack looks at him imploringly, but he shakes his head. He hasn't got time for this, but Kit is his companion and his friend and he cannot abandon her, but he can make her see what it's costing him.
"Do you see that castle, Kit?" he asks her, barely giving her time to nod. "Well, Rose is in there and she's dying. She's dying because you left her there." Jack looks ready to hit him, but he continues. "You left her there, Kit, but so did I." She frowns and he can see she's about to protest, but he continues, "This was not your fault, Kit. I don't blame you, do you understand that? I don't blame you. Rose is everything to me and I don't blame you. Now, please, stop blaming yourself so that we can find her, because I'm not leaving you here and the longer we wait, the smaller Rose's chances are. Do you want her to be as broken as you were when Jack found you? Because that's what's going to happen, Kit, and I can't promise you that I won't blame you then."
She's silent for a minute as he regards her.
"Of course I don't want that for her," she replies softly.
He smiles at her briefly and she slips her hand into the crook of his arm as they turn and walk quickly towards the village. Jack follows them barely two steps behind, but he knows the younger man's glad to have been spared a part in that conversation. The closer they get, the tighter Kit's grip on his arm becomes. He spares a glance at her to see that she's focussed on one house alone. There are people about, but they all stop to watch the newcomers with wide eyes. It seems that, although the Doctor and his companions have forgotten, the villagers remember who they are. The closer they get to the centre, the more he realises that it's Kit they're focussing on.
"There's something I need to do," Kit says, coming to a stop. "I know you can't come with me, you need to go get your Rose and I…I need to see someone."
The Doctor nods, but part of him almost feels as if Kit's saying goodbye. He brushes it aside, because he needs to stay focussed and there's no way for Kit to leave this place without them and he knows she couldn't stay here. He turns to Jack who looks torn. "Stay with her," he says decidedly.
"But Agnon-"
"Will pay," the Doctor finishes, placing a hand on Jack's shoulder. "I'm not sure I want any of you to see what happens."
"I'll be there are soon as I can." Jack looks at the castle behind the Doctor, before continuing, "Go. Now."
With a decided nod, the Doctor turns from his two companions and continues alone. He knows it's better this way, because he means what he said; he doesn't want Jack to see this and he doesn't think Kit could handle it. She's about to face the man she has to, the one who betrayed her love; Agnon is his to deal with and his alone. Whilst he'd appreciate Jack's help, he wants to destroy the man in the castle before him and whilst innocent is a word that most people wouldn't dream of using to describe Jack, that's exactly what his companion is to him; innocent. Innocent of the kind of revenge he's after, at least. It's that innocence that makes him who he is and it's part of what makes him mean so much to the Doctor. It's a selfish reason to want the man to retain it, but it's the truth.
He reaches the castle walls in the blink of an eye and is pleased that time seems to be on his side. Once, at a time that seems so long ago, Kit asked him 'how are we going to get in?' This time he isn't planning on knocking; this time he's planning on banging.
Slipping the small device from his jacket pocket, he walks straight to the gates, which seems to surprise the men on guard. It takes a moment of scrutinising him before recognition dawns, but it's a moment too long and they're unconscious before the thought of alerting anyone has fully formed. Placing the small circular device on the gate lock he steps back a few paces, watching, as the intervals of the blinking red light grow shorter and shorter…
"Knock, knock," he says softly and the lock explodes.
The noise clearly alerts them to his presence, but he doesn't care, in fact he wants Agnon to know he's coming. The man's name had fallen from Kit's lips with such fear and loathing that it had brought forth the image in seconds. He might not remember exactly how it happened, but he can picture Agnon and he can picture exactly what he's going to do to him. Oh, he wants Agnon to see him coming, he wants it so that the man has just enough time to watch his life flash before his eyes.
The Doctor gets little pleasure from physical violence, always preferring to outsmart his opponents, which is why he finds it strange to watch detachedly as he makes his way through the castle, disarming guard after guard. Skills he barely remembers he ever possessed come when called and before he is even aware of reaching his destination, he's surrounded by a circle of bodies and staring at the man who took everything away from him.
"Doctor, how…unexpected."
It's a line he's heard often, but he doesn't reply. This is one time he doesn't want to use words; he wants to use pain.
How long the screaming lasts, he isn't sure. He's not even sure when it is that it stops, he only vaguely comes to his senses when quiet sobbing reaches his ears. He listens with a small part of him that isn't focussed on punishment; focuses in on the pitch, the number of breaths per wail, then identifies it. A child.
He abruptly stops and Agnon's limp form drops to the floor. A small child, barely older than about five stands in front of him, her wide brown eyes and wet cheeks looking up at him with accusation. This man was her father…had been her father.
"I…"
Words fail him. What can he possibly say to make this child understand what a monster her father was. Those innocent eyes watched as he… How can he possibly make this child see the horrors that Kit went through, that Rose went through? Those innocent eyes watched him… How can he possibly live with himself…
The silence around him is so heavy he's not convinced he hasn't gone deaf. But then he hears soft footfalls and a hand on his arm.
"You came for her, just as she said."
He rips his gaze from the child to look at a tall red headed woman. Her eyes are filled with tears, but her features show only astonishment at his presense.
"Where's Rose?" he whispers, his voice breaking on her name. "Where' is she?"
"Come," she says softly, glancing for a moment at her fallen husband, then leading him as if he's a child. A child like the one who watched… He turns, but the room is empty save him and the woman beside him. No chance to say sorry, no chance to realise that sorry isn't enough.
"Come, Doctor." The voice cajoles him and he lets her lead him. "She's waiting for you."
So innocent.
They're always so innocent.
It never lasts.
As he's led those final steps towards Rose, he only hopes that, for her at least, it's not true.
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End of Part Thirteenxxxxx
Thank you once again for your feedback. Rose's POV next...