As I sit here squee-ing and babbling incoherently at a pitch only dogs can here, I feel the need to reiterate just how much I love you all for your reviews. Seriously, my flatmate finds me amusing to an extend that would probably worry me if I gave my sanity, or lack thereof, a second thought. You lot rock so much I'm surprised the world isn't listing from side to side under the pressure. g
And so, despite the knowledge that I'm a terrible person for having such crap luck with computers and the internet, I can pretend that I haven't left you all waiting a ridiculously long time for the conclusion to this tale. I'm good like that!
As you may have guessed from the 'Bad Wolf' reference in the previous chapter, I'm veering the fic towards timeline because I know exactly how I'm ending the epilogue and this makes it so much more amusing…to me, at least!
Once again, thank you so much, many of you rendered me speechless, many of you had me giggling like a high school cheerleader on speed, and many of you had me doing the afore mentioned squee-ing/babbling incoherently combo.
Enjoy, for it is the end of the line…whimper I'm gonna miss this one.
xxxxx
Part Fifteen: Beyond the Sea
xxxxx
In the distance there are bells ringing, a lulling sound swinging with the gusty wind. Bells act as both warning and rejoicing, but the Doctor's not sure what sign they're giving him now, no matter how hard he listens for it. And he is listening. He's listening to everything in the vain hope that he'll actually hear something, because it doesn't seem to matter that he listens to every sound; nothing sounds like her anymore.
She's standing at the corner of the earth, that final jutting of the land that stares into the choppy abyss of the ocean and he wonders if her ship will make it safely to port. She's with him almost constantly; she talks, she listens, she tries to put herself back together, but she's so rarely there. He can barely look at her sometimes, because she's not whole and he can't be the one to fix her, no matter how much he wants to be.
Jack stands barely three feet behind her, but the Doctor knows he longs to close that gap, knows because he himself is driven by that same impulse. He wants to hold her in his arms and protect her; he wants to ward off everything and anything that might ever so much as think of harming her. But what scares him the most is the fact that he knows she'd let him. Rose without her will, without her independence, isn't truly his Rose. He wonders if she ever will be again.
Her reunion with Jackie had been both a blessing and a curse. To be surrounded by the life that had shaped her, that had made her who she was, had brought back a small part of her, but Jackie's need to protect her little girl had stalled off all of Rose's will to survive for herself. She had curled up in a ball and let others protect her instead of fighting to retain who she was.
He sighs as the clouds above grow greyer and the wind gains some more strength, bringing the last of the ships into harbour. He takes a small step towards her, barely closing the gap, but it's enough for him, and for her it seems. His presence is something she needs now and he's more than willing to oblige, he'd do anything to see a spark inside those eyes again.
"I knew you'd come for me, you know," she says, so softly that it takes him a moment to realise that it's not just the wind and his imagination that are speaking to him.
"'Course I did."
"Took you long enough."
Startled, he turns to her, needing to see if she's teasing him. It sounds like she is, but it's a tone he hasn't heard from her in so long that he isn't sure. He still blames himself, so the idea that she might blame him also is something that's tortured him since the day he regained his memories of her. It almost hurts to think of her joking about it, but it's so much worse to think that she might be serious.
A single glance at her face isn't enough to convince him either way, so he takes the safe route; the easier one. "Lost a stray along the way," he says, inclining his head towards Jack.
"What can I say, I'm very miss-able," Jack intones. "Not to mention my many other loveable qualities."
She smiles at their companion before turning back to the ocean. "I won't be the same," she says after a moment. She's been so reluctant to talk of her experience that he remains silent, hoping that this might be what she needs. "He took everything from me. A little bit at a time. He wanted to break me." She turns to him. "I think he might have done."
She shakes her head when he makes to speak to her, so he closes his mouth. They both know Jack's still listening, but that's they way it works with them; they're a team, they're companions, but more than that they're part of each other.
"I'm not sure I'll ever be me again. I can pretend. I want to pretend sometimes."
"If you pretend, Rosie, you'll never heal."
She turns to Jack and smiles softly at his proffered pearl of wisdom. She doesn't speak, but she doesn't have to. Slowly, she turns back to face the ocean, but his gaze remains fixed on her. He can see something in her that he hasn't seen in a long time; determination. He smiles.
"I can still hear her," Rose says, "The TARDIS. I can hear her a lot more than before." He nods, waiting for her to continue. He does a lot of waiting now, but he's not sure he's any better at it than he ever was, even knowing that he'd wait forever for her. "She held me together. All of you did, but she spun a web to keep you with me. I couldn't have survived without you, you know. It didn't matter that you weren't real, you were mine and you kept me together longer than I should have been able to."
"I lost you in the first place." He speaks softly, not able to look at her as he admits his guilt. A moment later he feels the warmth of her hand, slipping into his.
"You'll never leave me. I figured that much out before I started seeing things."
Jack chuckles and the Doctor frowns as they share a smile. This isn't something he can joke about, not yet. It's still too raw, still too horrifying to think of lightly. He remembers what she looked like the first time he saw her again, curled up in the back of her cell, naked and shivering and so broken that he barely recognised her at all.
"I'll never be the same. Not really," she continues and he turns away then. The seagulls continue to screech around them as he tries not to mourn for the part of her that's forever lost. The part that he couldn't save. Because he wasn't quick enough. He lost her. He let them take her.
He takes another long look at her. If he looks hard enough he can still see her in there, struggling to get out. Rose is a fighter and he knows she'll battle long and hard before giving in to this.
"I remember everything from before. It was so much better then and I want that again. I want my Doctor and my Jack," she says, smiling at each of them in turn. "I want you to be the same with me, the same as you always were and I don't want you to keep trying to protect me from everything. I had enough of that with me mum."
Jack chuckles and even the Doctor can't help smiling. "Didn't think she'd miss Kit quite so much," the Doctor says, instantly regretting it. The disappearance of his companion was still a sore point for him. For Jack also. As happy as they both were that Kit and Rose didn't have to deal with each other, they both retained the memory of the young girl covered in her own blood, the haunted look in her eyes as the memories returned and neither wanted to dwell on what might have happened to her since.
On returning to the TARDIS it had taken longer than it should have to realise that she was gone. Jack had wanted to return, to search until they found her, but the Doctor had known it was pointless. Even if they had gone back, they would not have found her. Besides, the TARDIS wouldn't allow it. He knew Jack had tried, thinking to go when the Doctor and Rose slept, hoping to do it at as little inconvenience as possible, but no matter how hard he tried, the TARDIS wouldn't move. The Doctor was willing to concede that she knew Kit better than either he or his companion, but he still felt as though he had failed the young woman.
"You miss her," Rose says softly, bringing them all back to the present.
He nods and squeezes her hand. "But she wasn't you."
Rose smiles. "No, she was herself and you still miss her. You both do." When they don't reply, she laughs. "It's all right, you know."
"Kit was only ever meant to lead us back to you. I think she knew that or she would've left me a lot sooner. She wasn't ready for all this," the Doctor says and Rose shakes her head.
"I'm not so sure."
"Could you have got along with her?" he asks, already knowing the answer.
"If we'd met down the pub, yeah, I think we'd've got on great. But the way it happened…no. That's why she left, isn't it?"
"Maybe," the Doctor says, not wanting to lie to her. "She knew you were important to us."
"And she needed to heal," Jack says and they both have to wonder if he's still finding it hard to make himself believe that.
"She did, you know." Rose reaches out her free hand and Jack takes it, moving to stand beside them. "Y'Lana told me about her. She lasted longer than I did, didn't have anything left when she finally snapped. Sound was the last thing they took from her."
"You would have survived," Jack says confidently, but the Doctor doesn't say anything. He saw her when they found her, lost and broken and he's not so sure she could have lasted much longer. He doesn't understand how anyone could have. But she's here, she's with him. He tightens his grip on her hand and sees her smile a little, before squeezing back.
"So," she says cheekily, "unless your memory's getting worse in your old age, I seem to remember we had a lot more fun than this stodgy old harbour. Isn't time and space waiting for us?"
The Doctor grins; this is something he's good at, adventure is something he can handle, because this way he doesn't have to stop and think about what he might lose – he's too busy fighting to keep it.
"Time and space, eh?" Jack says with a smirk. "And to think most women prefer diamonds and flowers."
"Where to?" the Doctor asks.
"Anywhere," she replies, her eyes lighting up with excitement. He's missed that look in her eyes. The haunted soul still lurks behind it, but it's there and it's real and, for the moment that's enough. "I can pretend," she continues, "I want to pretend. I want things to be normal again. Well," she smiles at him cheekily, "as normal as they can be with you two."
"Just for that I should take you to watch the Fiftieth Sludge Throwing Contest on Axabaar. Quite a crowd pleaser, that one."
"I said normal!"
"Hey, for the Doc, that is normal," Jack says with a wink.
"Normal." The Doctor smiles. "I can work on that."
She laughs and he cherishes the sound. He exchanges a glance with Jack and knows the other man feels the same way. It's a sound they haven't heard in so long, except in dreams and, for the Doctor, they're more torture than anything else; a taunting reminder of what used to be, but never will be again. Hearing her laugh, watching her smile at him in that moment, however, he can hope.
Tugging on her hand, the three of them make their way back to the TARDIS, back towards whatever adventure the universe throws at them. Things aren't perfect, but he's wise enough to know not to wish for perfect, because without everything else, without the difficulties he knows he wouldn't appreciate the little things so much. And at this moment, he wouldn't wish for anything more than her smile.
xxxxx
The End
xxxxx
Yes, peeps, that's the end. I have a small epilogue to wrap up the one loose end I have and I refuse to leave this one unfinished! I can't apologise more for the horrendous wait you've had for this final chapter, but what's done is done and I can only hope you like it.
This is, without doubt, my favourite (and likely my best) fic to date and your reviews have meant the world to me. I love you all. Thank you so much.
Kyizi
x