Friends
Season 11
The One With The New Friend
Episode 001
scene: opens in central perk, on center couch; Monica and Chandler w/ twins left, Ross and Rachel right; on right sofa chair; Mike with Phoebe in his lap; left table; Joey.
Joey: Guys, I still can't belive this…I mean everything's so perfect.
(Looks around the cafe with nostalgia)
Phoebe: I'd say so…. (She looks toward mike who still quiet...she pauses a minute… and then pinches Mike)
Mike: oww
Phoebe: Look alive man! We're still newlyweds!
Mike: Yes Joey, I'm sorry everything is great because if today indicates anything Phoebe and I are going to have a long…happy…marriage (he flashes phoebe an aggravated look).
Ross: Yeah Joe, I think you're right, I mean we've all found a sense of security that we've never had. (Ross lightly kisses Rachel's shoulder and she holds his hand.)
Chandler: Wait …I have Always had security in my life…Okay…Sure this family is amazing but I certainly didn't need it to bring security. I think I've always had a certain amount of inner confidence. (Monica flashes him a doubtful look).
Joey: Man, you so don't remember life before Monica.
Chandler: (Chandler pauses then reflects) Ahh (he screams with the memory and then looks worriedly at Monica and then gestures toward the twins) Please don't take them away from me.
Monica: Yeah… (She smiles at the twins) I'm so in love with them…
Chandler: uh umm…
Monica: and their perfect, caring, wonderful, sensitive, intelligent father who could not be any more handsome…
Rachel: yeah Chandler you so don't need reassurance in the inner confidence department
Chandler: See Mon it's us, at some point people just know you're trying to make me feel better. (Chandler looks around) but yes most of what she said is true. (Monica smiles)
Joey: Guys this is really great…
Monica: Joey you are so right. Phoebe and Mike are gorgeous together (Mike gently kisses Phoebe) and Rachel and Ross are well just...so… (Rachel is laughing softly as Ross whispers in her ear)… not on a break … Everything for once really is perfect .It's almost as if…
(She notices Joey's confused stare)...You, you were referring to that bagel in your hand weren't you Joe.
(Joey looks down slightly embarrassed)
Joey: (with a Dr. Drake Ramoray tone) you think you know me so well woman …
Chandler: Joey, in spite of the ambiguous complex person you are, she just reads minds Joe.
Monica: Yeah Chandler at some point people just know when you're lying.
Joey: Ha, but slight twist Mon, (dramatic look of contempt) Yes okay I was enjoying the bagel's company and perfection, but no not for its' taste, oh no Monica, for you see it represents the conclusive circle everyone's lives have reached. (Now he addresses the whole group dramatically, holding back fake tears)…and as we go on, we remember, all the times we spent together…
Chandler:… Is that a pop song Joe?
Joey: (Angrily) Why is it one that you recognize Chandler? Yeah cause if you know it maybe you should share it and take away from my special moment. Wait it may be that CD in your collection between your Pink cd and …
Chandler: Okay Joe I'm shutting up.
Joey: That's right shut yo mouth… (Everyone just stares at Joey)…sorry Ike and I were just watching Shaft last night... (Everyone is still just staring)… you know!...guys night out…usually involves men…
Rachel: Yeah Joey we know…it's just that…well should I (she gives a questioning look to the group…everyone nods a hard yes)…alright Joey who's Ike?
Joey: What are guy's crazy he's right here! (Blank stares all around)
Ross: Uh Joe, we were kinda hoping we wouldn't have to have this talk but apparently we do.
Joey: um no we don't.
Ross: Yes, we really do. (Rachel leans over to hold Joey's hand; everyone else continues to look concerned) Ya see Joey we all know this has been hard for you. (Ross stares at him nervously). But umm, you have to let go of Chandler a little bit. He's got other responsibilities now but he will always be your best friend.
Joey: Ross…I know….
Ross: Oh sweet Joey God bless him the denial's worse than we thought.
Chandler: Joey what Ross is trying to say gently (Chandler throws Ross a look) is that…
Joey: Chandler seriously I don't….
Chandler: (waving his arms frantically) THERE IS NO IKE, JOE. YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE UP AN IMAGINARY FRIEND. IT RAISES CONCERN JOE…OW… I JUST POKED MY SELF IN THE EYE.
Ross: Hugsy was tolerable man, even when you made me come to his pizza party birthday. (Joey smiles at the memory and then looks embarrassed and annoyed).
Monica: Yeah As much fun as that was Joey, this Ike? (Rachel continues to hold his hand with a look of sympathy).
Joey: GUYS SERIOUSLY! Okay I admit I was going through a hard time and that may have resulted in the Hugsy fiasco.
Phoebe: nice word Joe.
Joey: (he smiles at phoebe) a fiasco which by the way Hugsy and I are still awaiting the birthday gifts. ALL HE WANTED WAS A PLATINUM RACCOON WATCH with the name Joey engraved in it. (Regains focus) But guys I promise I did not invent Ike! Unless you're blind he's obviously right there! (Joey points towards the chair. Everyone follows the direction of his finger until it's apparent he's pointing at Mike. Chandler stands up beside Joey and squints in the same direction. Monica just sighs. Ross and Rachel look on bewildered. Phoebe suppresses her laughter. Mike chokes on his coffee).
Mike: Man how do you not know my name! You MARRIED us. (Gesturing toward phoebe).
Joey: Dude I'm so sorry…
Rachel: (coughs) Mike.
Joey: Mike! I mean I'm sorry mike, mikey, big mike, (Mike just glares). Oh come on your still relatively new it was only a matter of time before that happened.
Ross: Joe!
Chandler: Joey!
Phoebe: Joseph Tribianni.
Joey: See I've got years with these people, they know my name. (Chandler sits back down and everyone sighs. Joey tries to recover) But you know Ike, Mike. Mike we're beginning a new era and as we go on, we remember, all the times we spent together…
All: Shut up, sit down, uhh.
Intro Friends Theme Song New season 11 credits; new fountain sequence.
Scene 2: New York streets, Monica and Mike are shopping with Rachel and Ross walking a distance ahead
Mike: Ijust feel like we're never going to find a gift good enough for our first wedding anniversary.
Monica: Mike seriously with Rachel leading this pack!
Monica and Mike: Yeah
Mike stops in front of an alley and then glances down it
Monica: okay so um Mike (Mike continues to stare down alley) Mike! (he glances toward Monica suprised0
Mike: sorry…I'm just thinking…
Monica: So I don't want to just dash all your ideas for an anniversary gift but stepping away from the dark alley should be priority one.
Mike: No..It's just…
Monica: Oh is this about Joey calling you Ike earlier cause I gotta tell you we're talking about the same guy who used to call me "that Mo girl".
Mike: no, no, although seriously what's wrong with him?
Monica: Heesh (she gives a who knows shrug)…so what's up then?
Mike: I just want to make sure all of Phoebe's close friends are included.
Monica: OKAY and we are. So why the creepy alley…Oh, Oh, Oh no. Please tell me you not talking about the alley hobos.
Mike: Well it's nostalgic for her…
Monica: (strong sarcasm) Oh yes that's right! The other day pheebs and I were just smiling about the time a pimp spit at her in this very alley. What are the odds!
Mike: Monica, I hear you, because for one I know it doesn't make a lot of sense and two you are a very loud person for such a small size. (Mike rubs his ear, Monica rolls her eyes). But Monica, no matter how insane the idea is to you and me. These people mean something to Phoebe; you've heard her go on about some of these guys and I'm pretty sure this was her old hangout.
Monica: Wow you really must love her. (Mike gives her a pleading look) Mike I guess… (Rachel and Ross come towards the alley and Mike and Monica)
Rachel: Hey is everything okay. I've spotted 9 sales down the street and time is money people.
Mike: Yeah, Rach we're ready but first can we just make a quick stop and invite some of phoebe's other friends to the party.
Rachel: (glances into the alley) uh …
Ross: (leans over towards Rachel's ear and whispers) does he realize that's a dark alley?
Rachel: I told pheebs not to let him hang out with Joey!
Monica: No guys remember Phoebe's older friends.
Ross: I am Not looking for her rat babies in the alley!
Rachel: No honey, remember phoebe's days in the streets…
Ross: Oh okay… (Laughing) her street friends…(then looks even more uncomfortable)
Mike: So is everyone okay with this…
Ross: Sure just so long as it's just homeless and crazy people then…(Rachel rubs his back reassuringly)
Scene 3 (Joey, Chandler with twins, and Phoebe are still sitting in the cafe)
Chandler: So have you guys heard about the engaged woman in the news… (Chandler laughs a little) who uh got cold feet and ran away but then said she was kidnapped.
Joey and Phoebe: Yeah! (They lean forward)
Chandler: Yeah sorry that's all I got.
Phoebe: See this is exactly what I was afraid of.
Chandler: Well I guess we could talk more about the woman. So she's from Duluth which is apparently some city near Atlanta…
Phoebe: Nooo!
Joey: Pheebs its okay we're allies with Atlanta.
Chandler: Allies Joe?
Joey: Well yeah, I mean of course they'll never be Americans but international ties are supposedly important.
Chandler: (he begins to clarify things to Joey but thinks better of it and instead whispers at the twins) Close your ears! Close your ears! You must learn nothing from Him!
Phoebe: No Guys I was just saying I'm afraid we've become…our parents.
Joey: take it back…take it back (Joey looks upwards) Why do you keep taking things away from me?
Phoebe: Well guys let's face it our conversations are so adult now. There's the kids, the suburbs, the news…
Chandler: Phoebe I guess… but does it necessarily make us our parents? I mean…( Chandler is interrupted by a loud crash. Phoebe and Chandler turn towards Joey).
Joey: (there is a broken bagel plate on the floor) Sorry guys, God's faster than I thought (he shakes his fist toward the ceiling).
Scene 4 (Mike, Monica, Rachel, and Ross come running back into the street) Mike and Monica are neck and neck while Rachel is a few steps behind. Ross follows eventually staggering and screaming. Everyone's breathing extremely hard
Monica: (In complete shock) so that's albino bob who talks to his hand.
Mike: No that's a man who glows in the dark and I'm pretty sure that wasn't his hand.
Rachel: That man licked me!...Ross where were you?
Ross: HEY IT WAS ME OR YOU!
Monica: (sarcastic) I'm so proud of my brother.
Ross: Yeah well I'm so proud of a certain sister who shoved me into the dumpster so she could "create" a distraction!
Monica: Hey I didn't push you! I gently guided you out of the way so you wouldn't get hurt by Freaky Earl.
Ross: SO YOU PUSHED ME INTO HIS HOME!
Rachel: Guys, all that matters is that we got out of there unharmed…
Everyone: yeah, I guess, yes
Rachel: So who's coming with me to get a shot tomorrow!
(Everyone raises their hands and starts walking back to the cafe).
Mike: so Monica where'd you learn to run that fast.
Monica: oh you know, I guess it's just in my genes.
Ross: Oh please you know it was all those years after the ice cream van!
Monica: Oh I'm sorry you're just mad because you and all the other kids were too slow.
Ross: NO we just knew all the ice cream would be gone ONCE THE FAT SPEED RACER GOT THERE!
Monica: (she gasps in horror) that's where that nick name came from? I knew it was you!
(They walk a few more steps…a slightly embarrassed Monica changes the subject)
Monica: so Mike how are you so fast?
Mike: I don't know, I've just always been faster than everyone.
Monica: Excuse me…
Mike: I'm sorry did I stutter…
Monica: No but you should have choked on that lie!
Mike: What?
Monica: You are not faster than everyone!
Mike: Okay name someone we know I couldn't beat?
Monica: (she stands directly in front of Mike) isn't it obvious! (Mike continues to stare in fake confusion).
Mike: Oh no, no, no, I would so beat you.
Monica: oh yeah
Mike: OH REALLY?
Monica: YES REALLY!
Ross: (he's in shock at how competitive Mike is) oh wow, there are two of them.
Rachel: Guys I'm tired…this is ridiculous…let's just go back to the cafe; we can get pheebs a gift tomorrow.
Ross: You're right I'm sorry Rach. (Rachel smiles and cuddles into Ross' arm while they walk behind Monica and Mike)
SCENE 5
(Mike and Monica are walking straight ahead obviously bitter over their disagreement when all of a sudden Monica starts walking slightly faster, Mike catching wind of this speeds up too, after 15 feet of this they both take off. Ross and Rachel stand in disbelief. Mike and Monica are running at break neck speak through pedestrians, Mike gains a slight lead just as the reach the cafe, but a determined Monica trips him up so he falls into the door. Monica dirt tired hops over Mike and into the cafe. Her hair is all over the place)
Monica: Yes, Yes, Yes, LOSER (pointing at Mike's forehead)
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe turn from the sofa in brief confusion than embarrassment)
Chandler: (to the twins) Dear God, I'm all you have. (Phoebe nods in agreement thinking Chandler is addressing her).
Phoebe: All in good time my love, all in good time.
Chandler: (realizing starts wailing and making Chandler sounds) oh, oh, ahh flabu, flabu