I'm keeping it short since you've all been patient. I ran into writer's block for the first time. Why? Because (1) I'm getting close to the end and I'm very aware of the fact that and entire story can be ruined if the ending is crappy and (2) I was feeling somewhat depressed and it shows in this chapter.
Sorry for the horrendous delay and I beg your forgiveness for being so selfish. I made this chappie a bit longer (though it took me more than a week to churn out) to make up and there IS fluff so don't worry. I'm very grateful for your support and I am proud to say that I have passed the 500 review mark (but it was all because my readers are nice).
Anyways enough with the notes and on with the thank you's.
A special thanks goes to my beta as always who puts up with me and the way I beat myself up. Thank you very much Rikou Suiyou. To my main pillar of support, aishiteru-inu, thank you and to my beloved big sister and best friend who comforts me when I need it, Xyjah. To my ever amusing friend, The J-Man, now you don't have to blackmail me to get me to update. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again.
I don't have much will to give out too many special thanks but that doesn't mean that I'll neglect everyone else, in fact the only reason I'm not listing the full number of people who gave me very touching reviews is because I'm dead tired. So it'll have to wait until next chapter.
Good Night...or should I say good morning to those who stay up til the wee hours in the morning?
Thread Bound
Chapter Eighteen
The Heart That Opens From the Past
"What is your fondest wish, sir?" asked the Demure Dove once the crow and the raven had flown away.
The Pompous Peacock gently lifted his wings to look at his newest treasure as she gazed up at him ever so sweetly.
"Whatever do you mean? I have everything I could possibly want. A castle, beauty, and brains of course, not that I had to really think about it mind you," he preened.
"Of course, of course," replied the little dove a smile on her round face, "you have everything you could possibly want and then some...but tell me, dear peacock, sir, Do you have someone to love? Do you have someone to keep you company? Do you have someone close to your heart?"
He stared at her for a moment and a half, considering her words before shaking his head and ruffling his beautiful feathers.
"I do admit that such a thing had not occurred to me, not that I am serious mind you, but I will confess that the lack such a person does strike a chord within this lonely heart of mine. Pray tell, dearest dove, who do you think can fill this empty space within my breast?"
"Who indeed," said the dove with one of her infamous knowing looks in those lovely eyes.
"Who indeed, Sir Peacock."
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He, Sesshoumaru decided, would forever be indebted to the man who invented the telephone because he knew that the look on his face would earn him a prize for the silliest in the history of the world—if anyone had seen it that is.
"Marriage..." he half whispered the word as his brain tried to process Izayoi's request.
"Yes, marriage...Hello? Are you still there, Sesshoumaru?" His step-mother's voice was the very epitome of concern.
"I won't be here for much longer if you continue to joke around like that, Izayoi. Now what's the real purpose for you calling me?"
"Sesshoumaru, or should I say Sesshy Darling—" the corners of his mouth tightened, "when it comes to matters of the heart, my sense of humor can be quite nonexistent. I would not and can not joke about this matter. My sources tell me that the Miyazawa family can and most likely will move against us, whether legally or illegally. I'm sure that you are very much aware of the kind of people they are, which I'll wager, is exactly why you have decided to keep that precious child by your side. They've been after our money for years, but are you even aware of the real reason why they hate us so much?"
"The real reason?" he frowned as he mused over his interaction with Kagura. Everything had started off fine with the exception of the protests of his family members about the match. Of course, at that time he hadn't wanted anything to do with the people who had raised him and so he went against their wishes and tied himself to that lying chit. Within a couple of years, their relationship broke down and the rest, as they say, was history.
"Forgive me if I can't follow you. I knew Kagura was a money grubbing whore but I don't see what else there could be. Sure the Miyazawa clan got embarrassed but I'm hardly struggling to pity them since I sincerely feel that they got what was coming to them."
There was a heavy sigh on the other line and he could just imagine her rubbing her temples in irritation as she was wont to do whenever she dealt with his arrogant attitude.
"Sesshoumaru...do you even remember what you did all those years ago?"
"Remember? I don't think I've forgotten anything...have I?" he strained his brain and that long buried thought rose up just a bit at the back of his mind, but it was still too far too touch. The most he came up with was a very vague impression of a feminine face and lips that curved up into a teasing smile.
"No, if I've forgotten something it's buried in there deep. It obviously isn't very important or I would have remembered. Stop going off subject now. I want to know how marrying Rin before this idiotic party could possibly be of any benefit. Won't that just incriminate me more?"
"Not at all...unless you got her into bed already. You always were a fast one, Sesshoumaru."
For the second time in the same day he felt his ears burning as his step-mother brought up his sexual exploits. Kami, what was the world coming to?
"I'll have you know that we haven't done anything! Rin is...she's...special..." Why did he have to sound like such a coward? This was yet another reason why he hated talking to Izayoi: she was the only person who could make him feel like a child even though he was only a few years away from being thirty.
"But you want to, don't you Sesshoumaru? I know you—better than you think, in fact, and I know that it's killing you to stay away from her. Your father was the same way with me. Inuyasha and that lovely girl Kagome told me a lot about Rin and her personality. I think you two make a good match."
"If you say so, but don't forget what happened with my first marriage," he grumbled as he grasped for straws. He liked Rin...he adored her in fact...but he was still antsy about getting married again.
"Sesshoumaru, let's not forget exactly who takes the blame for that idiotic, and might I add bull-headed, choice. As I recall, both your father and I were dead set against it and we told you—multiple times—that the girl was no good. Shall I continue?"
"Fine, fine, so I learned the hard way, no need to rub it in. I'm not that opposed to being with her, quite the opposite in fact, happy now?"
"Only a little, I need to send her to the hospital to confirm her status as a virgin so that we'll be able to present some kind of defense. Kagura didn't like the girl, as well you know, and she might try to accuse you of cheating on her with Rin."
"That whore? She slept with everything under the sun and she would dare to prove to me legally that I was the unfaithful one?!" That seriously pissed him off.
"Calm down Sesshoumaru. And yes, she can and will accuse you of something that idiotic. Sometimes in the legal world, it's all about who points the first finger and has the money to back it up. She doesn't have the cash but her family does, and they'll use it too. This coming party is just public enough to make such an accusation and grab a lot of witnesses all in the same breath. Fortunately, you have me on your side and we need only have her tested and you married before the party. With something as legally binding as marriage, you'll be able to satisfy those urges, if you know what I mean, and provide a defense for both yourself and Rin. You are following me right?"
"Right."
"Wonderful. So you'll do it, dear Sesshoumaru?"
"I don't have much of a choice."
"Honey, there's always a choice."
"Whatever. I'll do it, but not unless Rin agrees."
"Oh my, you actually asking permission before doing what you want? Be still my heart."
"I'll call you later with her reply," he bit out before hanging up. He could only take so much of her harmless but still annoying teasing.
The phone rang once more and he hit the talk button before answering with an angry, "What is it?"
"And Sesshy," Izayoi started, her voice heavy with laughter, "don't forget to call me 'mother'."
His reply was something rude followed by a dial tone.
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"I see, so that's how it goes. Thanks then," Hiten closed his cell phone and returned it to his pocket before rounding the corner and coming face to face with a person straight out of his worst nightmares.
"Who were you talking to?" asked a voice with no little measure of madness hidden beneath its surface. He looked in disgust at thin lips that might have been sensuous and a face that might have been beautiful...if they didn't belong to the craziest man who had ever graced God's green earth.
Narrow eyes somehow managed to get even smaller as Jakotsu repeated his question, "Who were you talking to, my little hoe?"
Hiten shuddered in revulsion, there was still a massive question mark regarding pretty much everything about Onigumo's other right hand man and now was definitely the wrong time to be stuck with the inquisitive thug. That of course, didn't change the fact that he had just been insulted and a response was needed keep the odd character in front of him from getting suspicious.
"First off, I sleep with no one else but Kagura..."
"Pity that," Jakotsu interrupted.
Ignoring the not so subtle remark, Hiten continued, "and second, if you really must know I was talking to my brother. It would be appreciated if you wouldn't insult me in the future." He turned to walk away when thin fingers wrapped themselves about his arms.
"Do stay put, Hiten-chan. After all, I was sent here to bring you to Onigumo-chan. He wants you to see Kagura's punishment."
Hiten didn't miss the pleased light that flickered on when Jakotsu thought of Kagura being punished and barely managed to suppress another shudder. It seemed like eons ago when Bankotsu and Jakotsu had approached him and offered him his first taste of riches and freedom from Kagura. He had done everything from informing them of Kagura's actions to urging Sesshoumaru to commit suicide so that his money would go to her as was written in his as yet unchanged will. Everything had been running smoothly...until he met the monster that was head of the Miyazawa family. If he thought Kagura was a devil, then her cousin was Akuma in the flesh. They had only met a few days ago but that had more than enough to convince him of the folly of continuing to dance to Onigumo's strings. He had been driven into a corner as neatly as a helpless sheep and he wanted out, not matter what he had to sacrifice, if not for himself then for his younger siblings. And for that very reason he turned to one other side of this twisted triangle between Kagura, her cousin, and one other entity. He could not allow Jakotsu to find out about his most recent betrayal.
So it was that he held his head high and followed the effeminate man, bracing himself for what he was about to see.
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She refused to scream, even when she felt as if her entire body was burning from the pain.
This is nothing, she repeated over and over in her head, her eyes wide and staring at the various faces around the room that Onigumo had termed his "Torture Chamber," a name that fit the place perfectly since most of his "punishments" took place here and her despicable cousin was a firm believer in having his various retributions taken out on his victim's flesh. There was Hiten, standing in the corner and looking sick. She had known that he was working both sides but now that it was out in the open...it hurt to look at him. Jakotsu had arrived not too long ago with her former lover and Bankotsu had gladly turned her torture over to him, knowing full well that Jakotsu didn't hold back when it came to inflicting pain on "those hateful women."
A knife bit into the skin of her back, parting the very first layer of her epidermis almost lovingly before withdrawing. She tensed, hands fisting even though they were drawn up tight over her head by a long chain attached to a pulley on the ceiling. A few seconds of waiting and then she felt it, digging into her skin and drawing blood. She did not want to know how Jakotsu had learned to handle a knife so that it inflicted the most amount of pain and it didn't help that it didn't always hurt, no he toyed with her by being so gentle sometimes that her body automatically relaxed...until the next cut.
She bit her lip until it drew blood and held her voice in as she alternated between pity for her older cousin, Naraku, who sat on the floor and gazed at her with helpless eyes and pure hatred for his half-brother, who kept his hands on either side of his siblings face and forced him to watch her humiliation. The head of the Miyazawa family was smiling brightly and she had no doubt that he was enjoying this.
"I think your idiocy needs to be carved out, Kagura. But don't worry, I'll just leave a few scars and I wouldn't dream of touching that pretty face. After all, it's served me very well indeed." Those had been his words as she struggled to hide the fear and anger that always arose when she came into close proximity with the family head.
Laugh while you can, she thought at him venomously, because if I survive this, your head is mine.
There wasn't much else to think about as the torture continued and she concentrated on weathering the pain.
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"Why won't you look at me? After everything that's happened, why won't you meet my eyes anymore? Don't tell me you're ashamed!!"
He stopped and turned to look at her. Golden eyes narrowed before he closed them completely and sighed running a hand through his long hair in frustration.
"You don't understand. I..."
"Don't give me your excuses," she spat, chocolate hued eyes flashing as she pressed herself into the rail.
They had never been more beautiful to him than now.
"Just tell me, please...Is there someone else? Do you not love me anymore? Tell me...or else..."
"Or else what?"
"Or else this." She lifted one delicate leg, guided it over the railing, and brought it back down on the other side, the side with nothing but open space and the ground four stories below.
"Please stop!" He hadn't expected this. Turning, he looked at the only person who could do anything about this situation, praying that the other man could read the desperation in his eyes.
"Please stop her!!"
He turned his attention back to the young woman before him...and she answered with a smile.
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Rin juggled the vase in her hand as she looked around the living room, brow furrowed in concentration. She was bored out of her mind and—with Sesshoumaru's permission of course—had taken to rearranging things around the house to make it more comfortable. The piece of pottery in her hand was one of many, made by one of the former Rin's of course, that had been stored in the dusty attic upstairs. It was a charming piece with a fascinating pattern of turquoise and white flowers that couldn't possibly exist anywhere on this planet. Still it's something we all shared in common. We absolutely love flowers, she thought happily as she spied a high bookcase that was the perfect place for the vase. As she approached, she realized that there was a somewhat thick layer of dust on the almost empty bookcase and wondered at that just a little before shrugging and taking a deep breath.
Raising herself onto the very tips of her toes, she silently cursed her shortness and wished that Sesshoumaru were here instead of out driving around and picking things up for the party. She had already been measured for a gown and it was scheduled to be picked up first thing the following morning. She herself had nearly throttled her boyfriend when he told her that she wouldn't see the dress until it was time for the party and decided in the end to go over every inch of the house to find out where he might hide the garment so that she could catch a glimpse, at least, of her very first gown.
But you really wish it was another gown, don't you? a voice whispered at the back of her head as she pushed the decoration into place and settled back onto her heels with a sigh. Yes, I do. A nice white one, with gloves and a veil to match...and a ten foot train. It would be so beautiful. She closed her eyes and imagined how it would be. Her friends and his family would be there, all dressed up in their finest...and the red carpet would stretch before her for an eternity...and at the end...he would be there in a tuxedo that he purchased just for this day...his long hair tied behind him or set free—she wasn't quite sure which way would be better—and his lips would turn up into one of his rare smiles as he bends down and whispers gently into the delicate shell of her ear, "I lo...you."
Her eyes snapped open and she felt herself blushing furiously. What am I doing?! Sesshoumaru wouldn't...he can't possibly...she smacked her cheeks, willing the redness to go away. She had told Sesshoumaru her feelings for him at long last and a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders...only to come back down again when she realized that she didn't know his exact feeling for her. Her heart of hearts knew that he cared deeply for her but she didn't want him to just care about her, no, she wanted to steal his heart just as he had stolen hers and refused to let go.
He didn't have to say the words, she wouldn't do such a cruel thing to a man who wasn't used to speaking his thoughts out loud, but she wanted some sign that he was serious about being together with him. Not only that but she wanted to explore the heated looks he sometimes cast her way. She wasn't quite as innocent as he seemed to think, at least not when she knew someone desired her and it wasn't that she wanted to jump into his bed..., but, but sometimes when he looked at her with those eyes made of molten gold, her stomache twisted and she had to fight down the urge to kiss him senseless.
I really have too much free time, she berated herself as she stared at the bookcase, inching backwards to survey her handy work. After a few minutes of staring, she nodded in satisfaction and would have turned away if it weren't for the fact that the tapestry hanging next to the case shifted ever so slightly, almost as if there were a breeze in the room even though she was very certain that all of the windows were closed. Looking around, she quickly confirmed the fact that there shouldn't be a breeze anywhere in the den. She made her way back over to the case to investigate the phenomenon.
Holding her hand in between the furniture and the tapestry, she waited until she felt it, a very gentle puff of air that seemed to originate from behind the shelves. She frowned in concentration and pushed at the bookcase to see if it was movable and was overjoyed when it shifted easily. Bracing her hands on the smooth wood, she pushed it to the side until a door was revealed to her. It was one of those sliding doors that were designed to blend into the wall and it was already ajar, which was the reason she could feel the air flowing through. A deep groove carved into the flat expanse served as the handle and she slid it open slowly before moving into the dark hallway beyond.
The first thing she noticed was that this mini corridor hadn't been used in many years and she moved the neck of her shirt up to cover her mouth in order to keep out the dust that was once again floating up into the air with her disturbance. The light spilling from the door behind her was adequate enough for her to tell that the corridor ended about fifteen feet away and there were two doors on one side of the hall and one on the wall closest to her. Her temporary joy at coming across this new discovery was quickly forgotten as she opened the door closest to her and shut it back thirty seconds later, leaning against it.
Wha...what the...? she wondered quietly as she moved away with a shudder, rubbing her arms to get them to stop trembling. The room had been padded...from ceiling to floor it was covered with a soft-looking material in a dull shade of gray and there had been a pervasive atmosphere of hopeless depression. Needless to say, she freaked and got out of the room immediately. Sesshoumaru...just what went on here? She wasn't even sure she wanted to ask and she moved away as fast as possible, opting to try another door.
The next room was a bathroom and here too she felt the same aura of depression hanging heavy in the air. She felt around for a bit, searching for the light switch and breathed a tiny sigh of relief when she found it and was quickly illuminated by the dusty bulbs above her head. Looking around, she noticed that there were tiles missing from the floor and the shower curtain had been ripped from the rungs. She didn't bother to go near the tub, opting instead to examine the sink below the smashed up mirror and the blackish brown spots that dotted the porcelain basin. Strange, that almost looks like... she felt her eyes widen and made yet another abrupt exit when she figured out what those dots were. A padded room...blood in the sink...what the heck happened?!
She felt a little sick when she returned to the hallway and pressed herself close to the wall. There was one door left but she was strongly considering just leaving and pushing the bookcase back to its original spot. It wouldn't have been scary if it weren't for the fact that she could feel the suffering that had gone on in this hidden niche. It was there in the air she breathed, in the silence of the hallway, in the weight that seemed to be pressing down on her heart...it was everywhere and she felt an overwhelming sense of pity for the poor soul who had lived in these rooms. Just one more, she told herself, forcing her legs to move in the direction of the last room. Just one more, just one more. She chanted it softly in her head until she was standing in front of the half-opened door. Her hand was shaking when she slid it open...and got her first taste of real chaos.
Books were strewn everywhere, most with their pages torn out and scattered among the many pieces of loose leaf paper that nearly covered the floor. There was something sparkly on the carpet and it wasn't until she walked farther into the room that she heard it crunch beneath her feet and figured out that it was glass. A breeze ruffled a few strands of hair and she looked up to see that the shards had come from the window which was smashed up, jagged pieces still lining the sill and nothing but a few boards to keep the room partially safe from the elements. Sunlight shone in through the cracks and she realized that the bit of wind that had led her to this discovery in the first place was coming from the poorly covered window.
The walls might have been white once, but time had long since turned them gray with dirt and the bed was more of a heap than an actual bed. A chair with its legs broken off was sitting right in the middle of the room and she picked out the four appendages in four different spots around the room. She strongly suspected that the only reason the room was even this neat was because there hadn't been much here in the first place.
A sigh escaped her and she walked over to the dilapidated chair, picking it up and setting it aside to see if there was something underneath. Her disappointment was mild when she saw nothing but a crumpled up piece of paper beneath it. Nothing of importance. This person didn't have anything to care about, did they? Biting her lip, she stared at the paper for a second or two before bending down on an impulse and picking it up, carefully smoothing the yellowed page and staring at the characters—written on it in a somewhat familiar hand—until they began to make sense.
It read:
I had a lot to think about today. Otousan told me that we would be going shopping for school...but he's lying to me, I know he is. He gets nervous whenever we're about to visit Dr. Toutousai. The good doctor tells me that I'm just going through a rebellious phase, that I'll be fine in a few years but I keep trying to explain that he's wrong. I tell him that I'm slowly losing my mind and in no uncertain terms do I care about my "family". He tells me I'm joking...I tell him I hate him and the rest of his kind. They think they know everything because of their college degrees and their plaques and their fancy houses...Rin could almost hear him chuckle sarcastically...He likes to believe he's in control. After all, I am the child and he's the adult. But I watch him, I watch everything that goes on around me. He's terrified of me...I can smell it and something deep inside of me likes the fear.
I'm afraid sometimes of the things that go through my head. Do I really desire the deaths of the people who annoy me? Do I really want to end everything? Do I really want to obtain freedom through death? I don't know...and it's the not knowing of the matter that's slowly killing me inside...
That was the end of that particular piece of writing and she felt herself shivering. There was so much pain inside of someone who was obviously younger than her that she had to blink back the tears that rose unbidden as she allowed the paper to drift back down to join its brethren on the floor and picked up another one. This one was written in a more mature hand...
Something bad happened today. Someone died.
It wasn't a very important person but he—'the brat'—is over there crying his eyes out, so maybe it isn't that bad. I am not afraid to admit that I enjoy it when he gets just a little taste of what I've gone through my entire life. But I hear them talking about it in the other room and I think that they might blame me for it. They gave me some medicine and I can feel it starting to effect me because my eyes feel heavy...so very heavy...Therefore I need to get this out as quickly as possible before I forget.
The doctor says I force myself to forget the things I don't want to think about, but if that's the case, why do I remember every time mother blamed me for her mistakes? I made her sick...or so she said and sometimes I think that maybe she was right. Everyone is fine...everyone is happy...as long as I'm not around.
I can't really recall what happened—it was very fast—but I remember her hair spread out around her...looking a lot like the halo that the western angels wear, except hers was as black as her heart. There was a lot of red...rivers and rivers of it so that it looked like a painting made in blood from our vantage point on the roof.
I can't remember.
I can't think anymore.
I feel broken down.
I think my heart is sick...
The last few words wavered a bit, a side affect—she assumed—of his medicine. Or maybe it was the tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. She found it hard to remain unaffected by such obvious loneliness. It was almost as if she were there, sitting alone in the room with nothing to do but think about how worthless she was, how much she ruined everything, how much she was misunderstood. I would be tempted to kill myself too, she thought as she scrubbed at her eyes with the heel of her of her palm and picked up one more sheet of paper.
This one was crumpled the most, and as she straightened the edges, she noticed that there were water spots on the paper, making it wrinkled in some places. Tears? She began to read, biting on her knuckle to keep from crying out as the next chapter in the person's life was revealed.
IT HURTS. IT HURTS. IT HURTS.
Why can't I remember? Am I really a MURDERER?
Did I manage to act on the things I thought about? Are their accusations TRUE?
IT HURTS.
Did I kill her? Is it MY FAULT yet again?
IT HURTS. I want it to end.
Make it stop. Someone please make it stop.
IT HURTS...KAMI IT HURTS.
Am I being punished? I can't get the thoughts out of my head.
IT HURTS. I want to die.
Somebody...ANYBODY...please...
please
LET ME DIE!!!
The ink in last sentence was lighter than the rest, with a thin blue trail leading down to the edge of the paper where its writer had shed his tears and ruined it...very similar to what she was about to do as she sniffed and held the salty water back by sheer will alone. What happened to you? Who are you? A thought hit her suddenly and she crushed the paper in reflex. Could it be...is it you...Did you write this Sesshoumaru? Was it you?
And as if in answer she heard the voice that belonged to man she loved behind her, but why...why was it so cold as it demanded quietly, "Why are you in here, Rin?"
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He moved towards her, hoping that she could read the desperation in his eyes.
"Don't do this to me, to us. You're better than this. You're stronger..."
"Than what?" she glared at him.
"Than me. I care for you. I want you by my side."
"But do you love me?" she asked in a half whisper, eyes narrowing to slits. "Can you say the words that I want most to hear?"
"You..." he sighed, "you know I can't because it wouldn't be true. I love, but it isn't for you. I can't lie to you."
With a pang in his heart he watched as tears gathered into her eyes and shook her head slowly, her intentions clearly written across her features. He started forward, but it wasn't soon enough.
"Sometimes...sometimes I get tired of being the strongest." She closed her eyes, gave him a sad little smile, and leaned farther out before letting go of the railing and disappearing over the edge.
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It was a miracle he hadn't had a heart attack when he came home and discovered the doorway to his former rooms revealed for all the world to see. Panic surged up in him and he rushed forward, hoping that Rin hadn't had time to fully explore the one place that gave him nightmares every time he thought about it. Naturally, he had no such fortune.
Sesshoumaru didn't mean for the anger to rise up, he didn't mean to feel the old hatred for those who intruded into this place rising up, he didn't mean for his voice to come out so cold when he addressed Rin—beautiful, ever beloved Rin—and he didn't mean it when his legs carried him over to her and his hand reached out, tearing the paper from her hands as a voice that he barely recognized as his own practically yelled, "Get out, GET OUT NOW!!!"
She stared at him, her eyes wide and frightened, and he felt some of his old self contempt returning as he noticed the tears in the corners of her beautiful eyes.
"S...Sesshoumaru." His heart ached at the timid way she said his name and how could he blame her when he hadn't lost it around her since that day in the hospital, eons ago it seemed. She reached out a hand towards him and he moved away, shaking his head.
"S...sorry, wait for me out in the living room for a bit. Please do it...for me Rin." He struggled to get the words out as the heavy atmosphere in the room began to work on him again after so many years.
That acute sense she had concerning him and his various instabilities kept her from asking the questions he saw in her eyes and she nodded instead, forcing a reassuring smile onto her face before exiting and reminding him yet again why they were a good match for each other—if he didn't alienate her because of his outbursts.
The room spun a bit and he glanced down at the paper in his hand, his eyes widening to epic proportions as he read what was written there, golden orbs catching onto the words "Am I reallly a MURDERER?" and "Did I kill her?" No, his mind cried No and no and no again. Please tell me she didn't read this. Of all the things he never wanted her to know, why did she have to read the last words he penned before his first suicide attempt? Why did she have to read something that he couldn't even recall properly? Why did she have to discover these accursed rooms in the first place? Why, when his mind was already in turmoil because of his conversation with his step-mother? Why now, when his barriers were down? I didn't want you to know. You weren't supposed to know! Rin...
He could feel it, coming back up on him...the tremors...the refusal to focus on one thing at a time...the pounding of his heart in his ears...these were the only warning signs he had before he was cast back into his memories.
"Sesshoumaru...do you even remember what you did all those years ago?"
He listened to Izayoi's voice as if from a great distance before he was swamped with visions of red, endless shifting red that ran freely from a pale form and slicked the long ebony locks of the girl form whence it originated.
"...do you remember what you did...?"
He saw faces but putting names to them was tantamount to trying to number the stars that dotted the sky above the scene that night.
"Did I kill her?"
Kill who?
"Am I really a MURDERER?"
Murder who?
"You only remember what you want to," he suddenly heard Inuyasha's voice, "don't expect me to thank you."
"I don't care," he heard himself replying, "I'm going to die soon anyways."
Secrets.
"Let me take my secrets to the grave with me."
Revenge. Blood must be paid with blood.
"Please let me die."
The last sentence was uttered in a pleading whisper before he wrenched himself from the violently churning sea of half visions and accusations, of fragmented sentences and pain, all of which was underlain with fear.
Am I afraid? Of what? Of who? What have I forgotten?
The room was closing in on him and he fought the sudden urge to vomit as he halfway staggered out of his former bedroom and the claustrophobia that tried to swallow him up. Making his way back to the den, he let out a profound sigh of relief when he saw Rin waiting for him on the plush couch adorning the center of the room. He stopped as soon as he saw her face and focused on the things about her that made him smile.
Forget, if only he could forget for just a little while. If only he could keep the promise to himself to ask her to become his for the rest of their lives. If only he could maintain the courage that sent him to stand in front of her, that incriminating piece of paper crumpled in his hand, a reminder that he might not be as sane as he thought he was.
Just when everything was going so well.
He congratulated himself on keeping a straight face as he said calmly, "Rin..."
That angelic face turned up to look at him and those lips that he longed to devour quirked up into a smile and those eyes...ah, those eyes that accepted everything...He took a moment to bask in the serene features that seemed to watch over him constantly, burning the picture into his mind because he might never see it again if he frightened her away.
"There's something I need to ask you, but first things first," he sat down next to her and took a deep breath, closing his eyes and going over what he wanted to say.
"Is it about that room or the papers I read? I'm really sorry for being so nosey, Sessh. I had no business being there and I understand if you're angry at me."
She hid it well, but it was obvious enough to him that she was blaming herself for his outburst and he gave a mental sigh, remembering once again that she was still so very innocent, so much younger than him, so much better than him...
Stop that, it's pathetic, his mind reminded him sharply and he shook himself a little. You're not that lonely little boy anymore, Sesshoumaru, so stop acting like it.
"Rin, don't blame yourself, because I'm the one who should ask your forgiveness. I could care less where you go in this house. My home is your home and I'm sure you realize by now that you've gotten farther with me and my games than anyone I know." His hand sought and found her own as it lay on the couch, gripping it tightly and reveling in the feel of skin on skin.
"I suppose I know that much, Sessh. This stopped being a game a long time ago and I understand that you wouldn't hurt me, not anymore, without cause or reason. What I don't understand is the pain that you're doing a terrible job at hiding."
"The pain? You don't want to know more about my past? You don't want to know whether or not I'm really a murder?" he was taken aback, wondering if she read the letter thoroughly.
"Are you?" She fixed soft brown eyes on him. "Are you really a murderer?"
Why was it that when he asked himself that question, the voice sounded incriminating, but when Rin asked him, she sounded as if she already knew he wasn't.
"I can't remember if I killed anyone. Someone died, I'm sure of it, but I don't know who, just that it was a female. I also vaguely remember Inuyasha saying something to me but that's about it."
"If that's all, then there's nothing to worry about. If you try too hard it won't come. But if you relax," her voice turned playful, "it'll come in its own time. I can see you having a lot of pent up anger, but actually killing someone? No, I just can't imagine it."
"But you read the letters. Do you not think I'm strange? What if I really am a murderer? Can you still claim to love me?"
Rin's eyes flashed and before he knew it, she was standing in front of him and her hands came down almost painfully on each side of his face with a little 'smack.' Forcing him to tilt his head up, she moved closer until their foreheads where touching and his nose brushed lightly against hers. Her gaze darkened and held his own eyes captive with their intensity.
"Sesshoumaru Toyotomi, I do not 'claim' to love you as you so bluntly put it. I may not be as old as you or as experienced, but I do know for a certainty that I," he saw her cheeks reddening out of the corner of his eye, "...I care about you more than anyone else in the world. You are stubborn, arrogant, and impossibly full of yourself but...also kind, beautiful, and gentle—when you want to be. My heart beats faster whenever you're near. My eyes see only you. I think about you constantly and I...I honestly do think that you've become the center of my world. If you really did kill that girl, then I guess I fell in love with a murderer and that's something I'll deal with when it comes to the forefront." She pulled away, crossing her arms and fixing him with a firm stare even though her face was red. "And if you start up that nonsense about being strange again after I've just told you all of these embarrassing and highly private feelings of mine, I'll..."
"You'll what..."
She closed her eyes quickly before visibly steeling her resolve once more and continuing, "I'll just have to show you the error of your ways."
What was it about the girl that turned every problem into something to be laughed at? Just a minute ago he had been positively fatalistic and now he found himself holding back a smile.
"How will you show me the error of my ways Rin? I should very much like to hear about your methods." And just because he knew it would disarm her, he drew back a little ways and reached out a hand to cup her cheek, thumb brushing over her lips.
"I...I'll hang onto you. You won't be able to go anywhere without me. I'll do my best to make sure you have no choice but to fall in love with me."
She was, he thought, absolutely adorable when she pouted like this and of its own accord, his head tilted to the side in order to better observe the play of emotions over her face. The edges of his lips curled up into a faint smile before he replied, "and what would possess you to think that I would want a naïve, clumsy, bratty, and positively unrefined girlfriend like you to stick to me for the rest of my life? I would so much prefer a wife than a lifelong girlfriend."
"Then I'll become your wife even though I don't understand why I would want a spoiled rich boy with the personality of toilet paper AND looks like a girl."
"My, my what interesting preferences you have, little Rin. But don't forget that I'm a sexy, spoiled rich man—not boy—who seems to enjoy sullying these lips of his with your kisses and thinks that he just might dirty them even more in a few seconds...you know, just to make sure you really want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life."
"Aren't you full of yourself?!" Her smile threatened to crack her jaw as she moved closer, daring him to make good on his threat. "Tell me, Do you really think I'm a brat?"
His breath caressed her lips sweetly as he answered, "Only if you really think I'm a spoiled rich man."
Their lips were so close. "Then I guess that makes us both liars, doesn't it?"
"I suppose it does, Rin. Except for the being stuck together part," his voice turned serious, "I can't say them, koi."
"Say what,Sessh?"
"I can't say the words you want to hear."
"Is...that so?" her voice was disappointed.
"Yes, it is. I can't say them...so I suppose that my actions shall have to speak louder, loud enough for everyone to hear in fact if, of course, you can stand the thought of having a 'stubborn' and 'arrogant' man such as myself for a husband."
His voice was earnest and his eyes were intense and she thought that it was quite possible to melt under that gaze before she licked her lips nervously, her tongue accidentaly brushing against his mouth. It was unsurprising therefore when he took that opportunity to close the slight gap between them and brush his lips over hers. It was sweet and soft, but at the end she felt him bite down and drag his teeth over the sensitive skin as he withdrew, telling her without words that there was a passion underlying everything that was not quite so deeply buried as it had been before. It was the kiss of a lover and she found herself leaning into the heat of the hand that still cupped her cheek, turning to nuzzle it shyly as she looked into golden eyes filled with longing and whispered almost reverently, "I think that I would love to take you up on your offer. How soon do you want it to happen?"
"Anytime before the party."
She gave him a strange look but opted not to ask, much to his relief. She shrugged. "That's fine, I guess, but there are things that must be cleared up, not for my peace of mind but for yours. So I ask that we go and see your brother tomorrow first."
"What would he know?" Sesshoumaru spat, his mood quickly dampening again. Then she was there once more, with her smile and warm hands that played with the ends of his long silver hair.
"Didn't you say that you hear Inuyasha in your memories? He might know something that can put your heart to rest."
He muttered something obscene under his breath before nodding. It made sense, but he didn't have to like it. He would do it only because Rin had asked.
"Thank you," she murmured before giving him a peck on the cheek and sitting down next to him so that she could snuggle up to his side. His lips twitched as the fingers of his hand found hers.
Maybe the rewards would be worth the torture after all.
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He listened as his wife hummed a gentle tune, recognizing the song as being "Fukai Mori" and scowling. That particular ditty always made him think about his brother and he hated it.
She loved it. The thought rose unbidden along with pictures of long, flowing ebony hair and ruby lips that seemed to wear a perpetual smirk.
You're dead. You've been dead for ten years. So why are you haunting me know. Does Sesshoumaru even remember you? His hands fisted into the comforter before loosening and moving to prop himself up.
Looking over at the clock, he saw that it was 9:00 a.m. and grimaced, he was going to be late for work at this rate, great. The scowl refused to leave his face as he set about getting dressed and entered the kitchen quietly, sparing a glance for Kagome. He sat down and waited semi-patiently for his spouse to set breakfast down in front of him before catching her wrist in a firm grip.
She gave him a concerned look and he felt his heart swell with love for her. Kagome was just so beautiful to him, no matter what the season or time of the day. So it doesn't mean that I don't care for my wife. He let out a relieved breath as he released her and allowed her to take a seat. They ate in silence and he was aware of the not so surreptitious looks she cast his way.
Finishing the last scraps of food he sagged a little and stared at his plate, waiting for the question that was sure to come.
"What's wrong Inuyasha?" she asked after a minute or two.
His golden eyes were hooded as he looked at her and said one word: "Kikyo."
She kept her face neutral but he could feel her hands trembling from where they rested on the table.
"Inu...what do you think it means?"
That was a tough question if ever there was one, and he racked his brain, trying to come up with a good reason why he was thinking about a dead girl after so long before a rather frightening idea came to mind and squeezed its way out from between his lips before he could suppress it.
"I...think someone's about to die."
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Sorry once again for the long delay. I didn't want to leave you guys with a big cliffie like last time so here you go. My block is gone, thank goodness so I'll try to be more regular. As usual please read and review and thank you for putting up with me. Next chappie will have full thanks and more movement so be there or be square (- I never did understand this expression)