Story: On My Honor
Chapter 12
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: After discovering her daughter's doctor is gay, Megan's mother had Megan discharged despite Abbey and Mark's objections; Abbey vowed to stand by Mark while he faced the wrath and bigotry he was sure would follow Megan's release; at the Girl Scout star show, Ellie's nerves made her run from the auditorium and lock herself in a bathroom
Summary: The Bartlets try to talk Ellie into presenting her project; Ellie is upset with herself and with Jed; initially, Jed takes out his frustrations on Abbey
Ellie was practically on her knees as she ducked beside the door and clutched the knob with all her might. When she was certain she was safe, hidden behind a shield that would guard her from the rumbling of the crowd, she pressed the side of her face so tight against the frame that tiny indentations began to mark her cheek.
She wanted so badly to walk out of the bathroom and go back into the main hall to deliver the presentation she had been working on for weeks, but every time she thought she had gathered the strength to do just that, it was immediately trampled by the thought of what was waiting to greet her.
An auditorium full of curious spectators wouldn't have scared her big sister. That she knew. It wouldn't have bothered her father, nor caused her mother a single second of worry. Reminded of that special talent that seemed to emerge so easily in them, Ellie struggled to justify the flip-flops in her stomach that brought her to knees at the mere suggestion of entertaining questions about her project.
She managed to calm herself only slightly until she heard the roar of applause echoing down the empty corridor that sheltered her from everyone. She stared at the crack under the door and saw the flicker of light she expected. It was over. Angela's presentation had ended and now, they would be looking for her.
Jed's eyes scanned the row of Girl Scouts, all eagerly awaiting their turn. All, except one. Ellie's chair was empty and a sudden pang of panic rose so quickly inside him that his voice squeaked softly as he said her name.
Abbey, Lizzie, and John all turned to the abandoned seat. Abbey momentarily locked eyes with Jed, then stood and hustled through the aisle towards the back of the hall, rounding the corner by the restrooms just as she heard Jed call for a five-minute intermission.
Without hesitation, she knocked on the bathroom door. "Ellie, are you in there, Sweetheart?"
Her mother's knock should have soothed her, but the sound only frightened her more. She bit down on her lip, then replied so quietly, she nearly whispered her response. "Yeah."
"Are you okay?"
"I don't wanna do it."
"Sweetie, open the door."
Ellie considered the demand for several seconds before she did as Abbey asked. Slowly, she turned the knob. "I don't wanna do it," she repeated as soon as Abbey let herself in.
Her eyes fell to her father who was now only steps away. Her sister and grandfather trailed just behind him. She worried that Jed would be disappointed, upset with her for not going through with this. But he didn't look angry. Instead, he approached her with a smile on his face and kneeled to her level when he walked into the bathroom.
"What's the matter?" Unable to admit her apprehension, Ellie shrugged her shoulders and turned from him, so Jed looked to Abbey.
"She doesn't want to make her presentation," Abbey told him.
"Ellie." Jed tenderly swept her forehead free of the lose bangs that shadowed her eyes. "You're going to do great!"
Ellie shook her head. "No."
"Just between us, okay?" He waited for her to nod. "You have the best project out there. The crowd's going to LOVE it!"
"I don't wanna do it."
"El, would it help if you looked at me the whole time?" Lizzie asked.
"Hey, there you go! That's what you could do. You can look at Lizzie or at your mom or at me. I'll be right in the corner at the podium." Again, Ellie shook her head and this time, Jed sighed, knowing he was running out of suggestions to lure her to the stage. "What if I walked up right next to you and helped you through it?"
"Jed, I don't think she wants to do it."
John's voice came from behind him and Jed twisted his head to reply to his father. "Let me handle this."
"Don't make her do something she doesn't want to do."
Perhaps it was because it came from John - someone who knew so little about his family, someone who frequently took advantage of any opportunity to criticize him - or perhaps the statement would have stung no matter who made it. Jed resented the intrusive implication. Never had he forced his daughters to do something they weren't comfortable doing. He wasn't above prodding them at times if it was in their best interest, but his intentions were never selfish.
Sensing the sudden change in her husband's expression, Abbey stepped closer to him and kneeled to his side before the discussion continued. "Ellie, are you sure you don't want to do it? Are you absolutely positive?"
Ellie nodded.
"You don't have to do it," Jed told her, his hands placed lightly on her shoulders as she reached for Abbey's hand. "I'm not going to make you do something like this if you don't want to. But I want to make sure you realize what that means. What we're doing tonight...it's part of the Space Exploration badge. It's a requirement. You understand that, right?"
The seven-year-old lowered her head. She understood. Hurtful as it was, she continued towards her mother. "I have a stomach ache. Can we go home please?"
Jed rose to his feet, the frown that marred his face not lost on Abbey. She exchanged a quick glance with him, squeezed his shoulder supportively, then lifted her daughter up into her arms. Ellie snuggled close to her mother. Her voice apologetic, she raised her head to say goodbye to Jed, then buried her face in Abbey's shoulder as Abbey gripped her small frame and left through the front doors, away from the crowded auditorium.
This wasn't completely unexpected. From the day the troop chose the astronomy show as one of the four requirements for their badge, Jed had doubts about Ellie. In the past, Abbey had accused him of not being sensitive to his middle daughter's reserved personality. It was a mistake he was determined never to make again, and so he questioned Ellie several times, and several times, Ellie assured him this was something she wanted to do.
Now, with Ellie unable to continue, he took his place at the podium and announced the rest of the girls. One by one, they each took the stage, and one by one, Jed checked off their names, making them eligible for what Ellie had wanted so badly. The thought of his own daughter not getting the badge she worked so hard to earn sent a shiver up his spine and he found himself tuning out some of the other presentations as he imagined the look on her face during the awards ceremony next month.
By the time he and Lizzie arrived home, Ellie had already been tucked into her bed. Jed tapped on her door, then entered to find her curled up in her blue cotton blanket. Her cheek rested against her pillow as she faced him.
"Hey." He sat on the rocking chair beside her bed.
"Did all the other girls do it?"
"Yeah."
"Are you mad at me because I didn't?" Her eyes followed the random pattern of her hands on the satin-ribboned hem of her blanket.
"No, Ellie, of course not." He placed a finger under her chin and lifted her head, making it impossible for her to refuse his stare. "I love you."
"I love you too." She relaxed a little. "So I still get my badge?"
"No." If there was one thing Jed and Ellie shared, it was the fear of disappointing each other. He took a breath and continued. "I want to give it to you so badly, but the rules are that you have to complete all four tasks."
Visibly flustered, she bolted from under the covers and sat straight up. "But it isn't fair! I did everything else! I read the star map all by myself and I found and marked the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper, I drew pictures of the moon over three different weeks and wrote a report about how it changed, and I designed the constellation all by myself. All you did was cut it out because you wouldn't let me use a knife! I wrote a report and everything!"
"Part of the requirement was the presentation. That was a requirement you all voted on, remember? There were two other options, but you all agreed on this one. WHY did you agree on this one?"
"Because I wanted to do it! I didn't know all those people were going to be there and I didn't know they were going to ask hard questions!"
"You were prepared for their questions! I helped you with that last week." He stopped when he realized his words were only upsetting her. "It's too late for next month's badge ceremony, but you'll get your badge. We'll do it together. We'll choose one of the other options and you'll get it at the ceremony in May."
"I'll be the only one who won't get a badge next month."
"All the work you did wasn't for nothing. I'm going to see if you're eligible for the Astronomy patch and if not, then we'll get another patch. I'll design it and make it myself if I have to."
"It's not the same!"
"No, it's not. But it's something."
Ellie folded her arms in front of her chest, leaned back against her wall, and as tears began to fill her eyes, she mumbled softly, "I don't want it. I want the Space Exploration badge, at the same time that everyone else gets it."
"You can't have it." Jed barely choked out the words, squeezing them past the lump that formed in his throat.
"Then I don't want anything." She couldn't deny that she was angrier with herself than with Jed, but when he reached out to hug her, she pulled away and retreated under her blanket.
He didn't fight her. He simply stroked the few blonde curls that peeked out from under the covers. "I'm sorry."
Despite the way she squirmed to escape his touch, he waited there for several more minutes in some misguided hope that she'd peek her head out and assure him she wasn't mad at him. She never did. Finally, he gave up, leaving her room and bounding furiously down the stairs.
"Hey!" Abbey stopped him along the way. "What's the hurry?"
"She's mad at me."
"She'll get over it, Jed. It's not your fault."
"No, I know it's not." His accusatory response was laced with only a smidgen of bitterness, but it was enough to entice Abbey's curiosity.
"What does that mean?"
"You didn't even TRY to talk her into it. You didn't back me up."
"Why in the world are you pissed at me?"
"She would have listened to you! She would have gotten up there and done it if YOU had told her to."
"I didn't want to force her to do it."
"She's in second grade. You don't think she's going to have to do things like this in the future? You don't think she'll have to give an oral book report, defend her position on something?"
"She didn't feel prepared."
"She WAS prepared!" he shouted. "I expected you to agree with me, but instead, you just stood back and allowed HIM to dissuade her."
"Your father? Jed, Ellie didn't want to do it before John ever opened his mouth."
She was stating the obvious. Privately, Jed had already blamed John and he had come to the same conclusion. His father may have thought he had influence over her, but the truth was that Ellie would have backed out regardless of his input.
He shifted his complaint. "You didn't even show up when you were supposed to, Abbey."
"I was there before it started."
"But not long enough to give Ellie the confidence she needed to get up there and do it."
"I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. This is ridiculous." She attempted to turn from him then and continue her trek up the steps, but what he said next caused her temper to rise substantially.
"She'll have to sit there and watch everyone else get a badge that she wants. She'll be the only one not getting it! Don't you even CARE about that?"
Abbey whirled around, her spin so powerful that Jed's head jerked slightly backwards. "She's HEALTHY!" she yelled back. "Right now, that's all I care about."
"Look..." Jed reached for her hand, but she shrugged out of his hold as she stepped to his side.
"For the record, the reason I was a half hour late is because I was dealing with a situation at the hospital."
"What happened?"
"Megan's mother transferred her deathly ill daughter to another hospital to get her away from Mark, whom she just found out is gay and suspects is the one who gave Megan this disease. And on top of that, Mark may very well lose his job."
Ashamed of his outburst, Jed compassionately tilted his head to the side. "Abbey..."
"It's been a long day, Jed," Abbey interrupted coolly. "I don't want to discuss this anymore. I'm getting ready for bed."
She edged past him and made her way to the top landing before he began to follow. She saw him out of the corner of her eye as she walked into the master bedroom, but she never acknowledged his presence. Jed paced the room directly behind. He took her pajamas out of the top drawer of the dresser and, when she stripped down to her undergarments, he handed them to her.
"If I apologized for being a jerk back there, would you forgive me?" he asked her in the most remorseful tone she had ever heard.
Abbey slipped her arms through the sleeves of her silk pajama top and replied, "My silence wasn't meant to encourage your father."
"I know," Jed said softly. He sat on the bed, practically drained of all his energy. "I'm sorry I even said that. I know none of this is your fault. I shouldn't have insinuated otherwise."
His back to was her now and Abbey could see the signs of his frustration in the way he slouched forward. "I didn't want to push Ellie into doing something she didn't want to do. I wasn't thinking of the badge or how she was going to react in the long run. My little girl just looked at me and begged me to take her home. There was no way I was going to say no."
"Yeah."
She ran the tips of her fingers over his back as she snuck up on his side and took a seat beside him. "I talked to her when I tucked her in. She's upset, but I think she'll be okay. I'll talk to her again tomorrow."
"It's just that she's hurting...and...she's mad at me and I can't stand that." Those crippling insecurities of Jed's were beginning to resurface.
"We'll help her through this. She's mad at you now but she'll move past it. Maybe she can do something else to earn that badge."
"Not in time," he said sadly. "But we'll talk about that later. Tell me about the hospital."
"Not tonight."
He took her hand in his. "Abbey, tell me what happened. Please."
Once he wrapped his arm around her head and pulled her towards his chest, she was finally able to release the emotions she had been hiding since she left the hospital. Jed twirled her auburn waves around his index finger while his palm gently stroked her scalp. One of Abbey's hands was pressed firmly against his chest while the other gripped the back of his shirt and her thumb barely grazed his spine.
"I can't help Megan. I can't help Mark. I feel so helpless, so out of control." She cried softly.
"Tell me what I can do." Jed separated their bodies and gazed into her eyes. Those pretty emerald orbs were shining with unshed tears and he placed his thumb just under her bottom lashes to catch a drop of moisture.
"Nothing. That's the problem, Jed. Nothing."
Though she didn't make a verbal request, the way she cuddled closer to his chest and clung tight against his frame as her hands clasped around his neck, told him that what she really wanted was to be held. And he would gladly hold her because, tonight, they both needed a comforting touch.
TBC