Story: On My Honor
Chapter 13
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: Ellie refused to give her presentation during the astronomy show, despite Jed's desperate attempts to talk her into it; later, Jed informed Ellie she didn't qualify for the Space Exploration badge and assured her he'd try to get her another badge for the badge ceremony, but Ellie rejected the offer; Abbey told Jed about the controversy at the hospital
Summary: When Ellie does her presentation for Jed with a little help from John, it leads to yet another confrontation between father and son
"Ellie, you're going to yank my arm out of the socket." Jed teased his daughter as she tugged on his fingers to lead him around the dining room and into his study.
Since their return from the planetarium a couple of hours earlier, she and her Grandpa Bartlet had practically vanished. A few peeks from Jed and Abbey assured them the duo was fine and the explicit orders to leave before the surprise was ruined revealed their true plans.
Ellie hadn't completely healed from the sting of finding out she was ineligible for the Space Exploration badge, but she was beginning to come around and the fact that she ready to unveil something she had been working on for so long, proved to Jed that he was making headway with his little girl.
"You're really going to like it!" she assured her father, guiding him to the brown leather sofa inside the darkened room.
"You have something to do with this?" Jed asked John, a small smile curving his lips.
"He helped me with the story," Ellie replied.
"Okay, you've kept me in suspense long enough. What's going on?"
John stood to the side, signaling Ellie to begin with a subtle nod as he hit the switch and turned off the lights. She stuck the head of her flashlight through the cylinder container and suddenly, Jed's eyes were drawn to a cluster of stars that illuminated the black-draped wall. Some of them were bright. Others had been carefully filtered with a thin piece of film to depict the way her constellation would look to a casual stargazer observing the sky.
The stars slanted to the side and faded the lower they went, the first one enormous compared to those below. Just as Jed prepared to ask about the significance of her pattern, Ellie interrupted with her explanation.
"A long, long time ago, there was a little boy named Na-Gah who wanted to please his father, but he got lost on top of a mountain. Na-Gah was scared because he couldn't get down. Then when his father found out that Na-Gah climbed the mountain to make him proud and that now he was stuck at the very top, he turned Na-Gah into a star that would never, ever move. The star is the North Star and it helps people find their way back home if they're ever lost or in trouble."
Jed sat back against the cushions, grinning from ear to ear. Not only had Ellie listened and absorbed the old astronomy myth Jed he had told the first night of the Girl Scout camping trip, she had turned it into a story to explain her constellation. Though he didn't say a word as he waited for her to continue, his pride was clearly visible in the way his sapphire eyes sparkled between blinks.
"So my constellation..." Ellie continued as she flicked the flashlight against the tin. "...starts with the North Star on top, but then it goes down because in my story, Na-Gah drops from the sky and all the other stars around him help him get down the slope of that big mountain so he can find his way back home."
"Ellie..." Jed rose to his feet.
"I'm not finished," Ellie complained. "You can also see a little bit of the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper because my constellation is part of them because when it goes down to the mountain, then it goes back up and connects to the handle of the Big Dipper like a gigantic 'V.' That's how you can find it in the sky." She paused for a moment, then spoke up again. "Okay, I'm finished now."
"That was wonderful, Sweetheart!"
"Did you like it?"
"I LOVED it!"
"Really?" Her brows arched and her blue-green eyes sprang to twice their normal size as Jed kneeled down to hug her.
"Absolutely!"
"So can I have my Space Exploration badge?"
Jed stiffened his posture and pulled away from his young daughter, saddened by the thought that the news he would have to deliver would shatter the joyful expression on her face. "Ellie."
"I did a presentation! I did it and you liked it! You even said so!"
"I did like it. I swear I did."
"Jed..." With his hand firmly on his son's shoulder, John stepped back when Jed stood and spun around to face him.
"Was this your idea? Did you tell her to do this?"
"I suggested that maybe..."
"You had no right to do that, Dad. You should have talked to me."
"She was upset. You were upset. I was just trying to help."
Though his sincerity ran deep, it wasn't enough to relieve the suspicions in Jed's mind. He remembered all too well the real John Bartlet. The man who embraced the idea of undermining his own son. The man who tried to manipulate Lizzie all those years ago. The man who reveled in the opportunity to portray himself as a hero, regardless of the cost.
That John Bartlet couldn't have disappeared, Jed reasoned. While the man standing before him was civil and polite, Jed was convinced it was merely a facade to hide his true intentions. He locked eyes with his father as he spoke to his daughter. "Ellie, do me a favor and go upstairs."
"Okay. But can I have my badge?"
"We'll talk about that later." Jed turned his head to look at her. "Go upstairs."
"Let her stay," John intervened.
"Dad..."
"What's the big deal, Jed? She wants to stay here with us. Let her stay."
"Ellie, go upstairs," Jed repeated in a much firmer tone.
Reluctantly, Ellie grabbed her flashlight and as her eyes scanned her father and grandfather one last time, she tucked the tin container under her arm and slowly backed out of the room. She sometimes sensed the tension between the two men, but she had never been a witness to their problems. Ever since the night he angrily burst in to John's house to take Lizzie home, Jed kept all three of his girls sheltered from even the minor spats that frequently erupted between him and John.
Once he heard the click of the door, Jed turned to his father. "Why do you always have to do that?"
"What?"
"Confuse my kids. You always interfere. You did it just now when I told her to go upstairs."
"This is about her. I thought she should be here."
"You're not her father!"
"No, I'm not. If I was, I guarantee you I wouldn't punish her by withholding something she wants this badly. It's not right, Jed."
Jed rolled his eyes and let out a bitter laugh. "That is about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm not punishing her."
John followed him as he paced the room. "Aren't you? She didn't get up there and perform the way you would have. Newsflash - she isn't the skilled orator her father is. She may never be. She may grow up to be old and gray and still hate the idea of performing in public."
"It's too soon to tell what Ellie will or will not be. But that really makes no difference because I'm going to always love her regardless and I would never punish her for who she is."
"Fine. Now's your chance to make good on that promise. That's why I helped her with this presentation tonight. That's why I wanted her to do it for you, to prove..."
"To prove nothing! I can't give her that badge. All you did was get her hopes up. And now I have to go up there and break her heart all over again."
"You don't have to if you don't want to. She did her presentation. What does it matter if she did it here or in a crowded performance hall? She did it. Isn't that the important thing?"
"Don't you think I want to give it her? The rules are..."
"Who do you think you're kidding? This isn't about the rules! This is about you and your desire to make sure Ellie turns out exactly like you. You can't stand it when people have different talents."
That allegation was easy to reject and so Jed carelessly dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "That's so incredibly far from the truth."
But it was John's next accusation that shocked Jed. "That's why you never liked me."
"Excuse me?" Leaning against the wall, Jed jerked to the side to confront his father.
"You never liked me, Jed. You loved me because you had to, but you never liked me. I wasn't as outgoing as you wanted me to be. I wasn't the public servant you expected me to be. I was different."
"I'm sorry. I must be in the Twilight Zone here. Our problem was never that I didn't like you. Our problem was that you resented me because I was all those things that you weren't."
"The problem as you see it, perhaps. What I'm seeing is history repeat itself before my very eyes in the way you treat Ellie. It's very similar to the way you always disapproved of me."
"Don't you dare try to compare yourself to my Ellie! Don't you dare. Ellie is nothing like you."
"And she's nothing like you either and you can't STAND that!" John twirled the doorknob around in his palm for several moments before opening the door. "I know she isn't like me. She's a sweet, precious, sensitive little girl with a giant heart and a smile that would melt a total stranger. So why can't you just accept her for that?"
Jed followed as John hurried through the house and out the front door. "I do accept her."
"About eight years ago, you told me that you didn't want the same relationship with your children that you had with me. You were talking about Lizzie back then. But if you still don't want that, then give Ellie her badge. If you don't, it will drive a wedge between the two of you." John turned then and stepped out onto the deck. Jed walked out behind him.
"My relationship with Ellie is not even close to the kind of friction and turmoil that defined my relationship with you. Not even close."
"In terms of what?"
Teetering at the edge of a line he wasn't sure he wanted to cross, Jed took a few moments to compose himself, then eventually continued. "You said I never liked you. I'm just curious, what was it I was supposed to like? The way you beat the crap out of me whenever I spilled something on the floor? The way you slapped me if I ever dared to disagree with you? The way you punched me if you felt I disrespected you?"
"You were a rambunctious little boy with a mind all your own. You were selfish and demanding, just like you are now. The form of discipline I used..."
"Don't call it discipline. That's not what it was." Inhaling sharply, Jed fought any shred of vulnerability that threatened the tone of his voice and chose a colder, angrier approach. "You never disciplined me. You enjoyed humiliating me every chance you got."
"I tried to keep you in line. If it wasn't discipline, what was it? What do you feel like calling it this time?" John asked, knowing Jed well enough to know he wasn't going to utter the word 'abuse' in his presence. "Isn't this is the same fight we've had before? Once again, you're making me out to be a monster. You want to say you're a better father than I am? Is that what this is about?"
"You can bet your bottom dollar I will never lay an angry hand on my girls. That alone is enough to dispel the myth that my relationship with them is anywhere near as screwed up as yours was with me!"
"Perhaps they don't give you as much trouble as you gave me. It wasn't easy being your father. Something tells me it probably isn't easy being your daughter either."
"My daughters respect me more than you could ever know." He thought hard about his next statement and despite the doubts that nearly stopped him, he said it. "More than I ever respected you."
Wounded by his son's honesty, John lashed out in the only way he felt he could. The only way that would ensure he wasn't the only one in pain. "She loves you because she has to, but there must be a reason that Ellie just doesn't like you very much."
And with those cruel words, the idea was planted in Jed's head. The sensible side of him that would have normally prevailed to battle John's hurtful response, retreated inside a shell of doubt and insecurity. He opened his mouth several times, but nothing ever came out. Instead, he pursed his lips together and lowered his head slightly as he stared up at his father through his long, dark lashes.
For five agonizing minutes, silence lingered between them and the usual nighttime sounds mingled with the incessant chirping of a nearby cricket as both men reeled from the argument. Finally, John took a few steps in approach of the stairs that would lead him off the deck and towards the driveway. Jed instinctively followed to the edge of the porch, but stopped himself with a jolt as he gripped the railing.
John changed his pace on the way to his car. He slowed himself, spinning around to get one last look at his son. His chest heaving forward, Jed leaned over the wooden barrier and took in a breath of fresh air, his face shadowed by the dim light and manipulated to look like he was unaffected by his father's departure.
As the breaklights of the dark blue sedan got lost inside a foggy mist, Jed let down his guard and allowed a myriad of emotions to spill from his body in the way he clumsily collapsed onto the creaky porch swing. He rested his forearms on his thighs and tapped his feet in a steady rhythm as he moved back and forth.
Upstairs, on the second floor of the old Bartlet farmhouse, Lizzie sat by her open bedroom window, staring down at him. She had heard everything. Every insult that John hurled at Jed. Every accusation that Jed threw at John. The mask had come off and the dark family secret Jed tried to keep from his daughters was uncovered in an explosive confrontation that forever fractured Liz's idyllic image of her grandfather.
TBC