Title: Broken
Author: AngelicFruitcake Lost
Pairing: Sayid/Charlie
Warnings: Um…Character death…but it's cannon
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. JJ Abrams does, and he keeps killing off all the people I like. Damn him.
Feedback: Yes, please
Archive: Sure, if you want
Authors Notes: Okay, my first lost fic. And this was really a challenge for me, so please do let me know what you think. Listened to "Broken" by Seether a lot while writing this, hence the title. Lyrics at the beginning are from "Understanding" by Evanescence.
Lying
beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside
of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love
without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will
die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I
know I cannot
Bear it all alone
I never complained. Not once. Well, at least not when he could hear me. I didn't complain when I saw the longing looks he cast her way. Nor did I complain when the two disappeared on their little overnight trip. I guess I really didn't have the time. That night we all stayed up, worrying over the fate of Boone. An unsettling sick feeling settled in the back of my throat when Jack returned, eyes downcast, expression grim. He didn't have to say a word. We all knew. Perhaps we had all known this was coming, despite the miracles Jack had produced in the past. Some things break beyond repair.
You could tell by the expressions on everyone's face. Everyone was thinking the same thing. In the morning, when they returned, someone was going to have to tell the girl. I was the first one to see them, walking slowly down the beach. Shannon and Sayid. Their fingertips lightly brushed one another's. Shannon laughed lightly, and Sayid looked at her, a light in his eyes like I had never seen…never been able to give him. And at that moment my heart ached more than any other time in my life. More than any low brought on by my addiction.
Such deep sorrow. Very soon, that lighthearted smile was going to disappear from Shannon's lips forever. As much as I hated her, despised her existence on this island, no one should have to go through that. No one should lose the one they love.
And anger. Like a smoldering fire furling deep within my gut. Swallowing was painful, such a large knot in the back of my throat. Broken. I felt so very broken at the moment. Like I would never feel the happiness that these two shared. I had come so close, only to have it snatched away from me by some pretty little blond twit and…. Deep breath. Sometimes I have to remind myself to keep breathing.
As it turned out, no one had to tell Shannon anything at all. I suppose it was written plain as day on Jack's face when he looked at her. She collapsed to the ground and his arms, strong and supportive, were around her. I wanted them to be around me. I wasn't the one who needed sympathy, support…only I was. I needed to feel his calming strength so very badly.
Shannon was lead away to say good-bye to Boone one final time, and I didn't see Sayid for a long time after that. I thought I had lost him for good. I passed the time thinking about the moments we had shared. It was the only thing that kept me going.
It's funny. Everyone thinks I am so smitten with Claire, but the truth? Well, she's more like a sister to me. I adore her, and I adore Aaron, but I have no romantic inclinations towards her. Maybe in another life. One without Sayid.
Or maybe this life. Without Sayid. How many times have I lost him? It's been just over a month and a half and I don't think my heart can continue under this strain. The first time I was trying to do the right thing. Because if I let him go, and he returned to me, well, isn't that supposed to mean we'll be together forever?
I watched him go, setting out to map the shoreline, to find out the mysteries of the island, and more importantly, find himself again. I wanted to run after him, grab him by the shoulders and tell him not to go. But my legs refused to move, as if my feet were stuck in wet cement, not wet sand. Because deep in my heart I knew he'd stay if I asked. And I couldn't ask that. This was something he needed to do. I knew that because I'd been the one to help him make the decision.
Huddled in the sand under an empty tarp. His voice shook as he spoke and he wouldn't look me in the eye. He was broken. "Today…I became someone I never wanted to be again. Someone I wish I had never been. I did something I had promised myself never to do again."
"You were just trying to help." My voice trailed off as I spoke. Even I knew it wasn't the right thing to say, and I cursed myself for being such an idiot. But when I looked at him, his only response was not to chastise, but to grace me with a faint smile, something seen all too rarely on this island.
He returned his gaze to the sand. "I fell all too easily into old habits. And I wonder if I fell that easily this time, how will it be a few days from now, weeks, perhaps even months, when tensions are even further strained."
"You are not a bad man."
"Am I not? I tortured an innocent man."
"The circumstances—" I cut myself off. He was right. Circumstances could only worsen as time passed. He smiled at me, nodding, knowing that I finally understood.
"There is something that I need to do." He brushed the hair from his eyes, and took a deep breath. "I need to go. I need to get away from here."
"Go? What? Go where? Why?"
"I need some time. On my own. I need to think a bit. And there's something useful I can do. Someone needs to explore the island. Find out exactly what we're dealing with here, and just how big it is. It may only be deserted right here. There could be someone else out there."
I looked at him skeptically.
"I need to do this. I think I should do this. I think…"
He was wavering. I knew this. He was waiting for me to tell him it was okay with me. I wanted to tell him to stay. To tell him that the thought of waking every morning on this god forsaken island without hope of seeing him was more than I could bear. But the words caught in my throat and I choked on my response.
Sayid looked at me, concerned. "Are you alright?"
I nodded, faking another cough for good measure. "I'm alright. I'm alright. I…" I trailed off with a sigh.
"You don't want me to go."
"No. No. Well, yes," I sighed. "I don't want you to go. But this is important to you. So, it's important to me. I think you should go."
Sayid looked at me, his eyebrow raised. I shook my head. Please don't make me say it again. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to say in my whole life. Sayid looked at me, his eyes staring deep into mine and this time it was me knowing that he understood.
"Thank you." He brushed his hand along my cheek, running his thumb underneath my eye, wiping away the non-existent tears that hid so deep inside. He leaned in close, and I held my breath, afraid to even blink, not wanting to miss a single detail. His lips brushed lightly against mine causing a flurry of pleasure to tremble through all of my nerves, from the lips he lightly touched down to my toes. Breathing lightly, my mouth opened. His tongue against mine, my breath hitched because as many times as I've done this it's never been like that, and fuck, I just wanted him so badly. It was Sayid that pulled away from the kiss.
"I will return."
I nodded, and before I knew it, he was a distant figure fading into the horizon.
And he did return. Just as he said he would. Only I wasn't there to welcome him. It's not something I like to talk about, or, well, think about really. It's not everyday that you nearly die, but I guess I'm having my share. As Jack led me back to the caves, the only thought on my mind was Sayid. Jack had let it slip that Sayid had returned, and there was a part of me that was relieved and wanted to see him terribly bad. And another part of me that wondered why he hadn't come on Jack's little rescue mission. Bitterness stung that back of my throat like the taste of bile.
I understand now that he had needed to rest, needed to recover from his injuries. But I didn't know that then, and Jack failed to mention any of the details. But then, why would he? He had no idea of my feelings for Sayid, of the nights we had spent together, holding each other closely, taking comfort in one another's company. He had no idea of the way my heartbeat sped up as we came to the top of the hill and the caves came into view. And if he had, he'd never have guessed the reason why. Guessed that with each step we took I was imagining a variety of reunions between myself and Sayid. Okay, some of them were a bit lame, and corny like bad chick flick type reunion, but I was still out of it, what with nearly having died and all.
But none of the reunions that I had imagined went anything like the real thing. As soon as we reached the camp, I immediately sought him out. He was involved in a discussion with Sun. He glanced up and our eyes met. With a curt nod in my direction, he turned his attention back to Sun.
It was like an ice cold stab to my heart. After much suffering both of us had returned "home", only as apparently two entirely different people. Sayid didn't seek me out, and I didn't seek him out either. As the days passed I remained quiet, withdrawing into myself. It hurt to talk anyway, hurt to eat or really even swallow. My chest was black and blue and occasionally at night I'd wake from the pain after rolling onto my stomach.
I spent my days on the beach. People generally left me alone. No one knew what to say, and so they chose to say nothing at all. Suited me fine.
It was Rose that came to me first. Rose. I spent my days longing for Sayid to just say something to me, anything at all while he poured over those stupid maps from the French woman. And yet it was Rose, a woman I barely knew, who came to me first, who tried to help me from the black hole I had encased myself in. And I was so mad at her at the time. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to curl up on the beach and die because now I truly had nothing left to live for, and here was this woman who's barely said five words to me since the crash telling me about my duties to the camp, and basically to get off my ass and stop moping. Well, it helped. It really did, though I never would have admitted it at the time. Now I realize that if it hadn't been for that little chat, I never would have made it through what happened next.
It was later that very day. Darkness had fallen and there was a group sitting around a fire. There was a strange feeling in the air that night, or maybe it was just me, but things felt calm and peaceful for once. And so I thought that I might go sit by the fire too. I didn't expect anyone to talk to me. But there was something comforting about the thought of being around others. As I neared the fire I saw Sayid there, sitting by himself, and my footsteps faltered as hope filled my chest. Surely it was some sort of fate that I should have chosen this night to come out of my black hole, that I should be there by myself, and him by himself. And maybe we could actually talk.
And then Shannon came. Up until this point I'd never really thought much of her. I mean, she was pretty cute, I guess. I mean, there'd been that whole fishing debacle, so I guess on the whole I wasn't too keen on her, but I'd never had any overt feelings of dislike towards her. No, I definitely hadn't had any problems with Shannon—until that moment.
Pushing past me, she sat next to Sayid. And I do mean, next to him, like right next to him, so close that their legs touched, and she leaned in to tell him something, and suddenly my legs felt weak and I wasn't sure they would continue to hold me up, and my throat started to close off and I felt like I couldn't breathe. And the tears, I could feel them coming this time, real tears, and there was nothing I could do to hold them back. It may be my imagination but I swear Sawyers eyes shifted from Sayid and Shannon to me at that very moment. I turned away, fighting the tears as hard as I could, and returned to my little black hole. As I walked down the beach I could have sworn I heard Shannon singing something, but I couldn't understand the words.
The days passed, all of them melding into one another. I really don't know how I made it through those days. I avoided Sayid and Shannon at all costs. I mean, who really wants to watch that? Truthfully I don't really remember too much from those days. Not until Claire returned. It was all very strange. She just appeared, Locke carrying her in his arms. She seems alright physically, but she had no memory of the crash. No memory of my or any of the others. But I was so relieved, so happy, and honestly it gave me something to focus on other than Sayid. I put all my effort into helping Claire, and trying to make her feel comfortable.
I didn't speak to Sayid at all for days after that. And, if I'm lying to myself, I can almost convince myself that I barely thought of him either. Although I'm pretty sure that I did, like, almost every second of every day.
"The girl is pregnant. Very pregnant. Are we supposed to believe that she escaped from him?"
That was Sayid. Talking about Claire, but not to me of course. He never talked to me anymore. He was talking to Jack, but I felt the need to make myself a part of the conversation. My eyes narrowed as a stared at him.
"What are you getting at?"
"Ethan infiltrated us. Whoever he is and wherever he comes from, he's intelligent. Who's to say he didn't even send Claire?"
"You're off your head, mate." What I didn't add was that maybe he's been spending too much time with ditzy Shannon.
Sayid and Jack continued to discuss the possibility of Claire's escape until I interrupted.
"You know what? You boys talk about Claire all you want. I'm actually going to go spend some time with her." I stared pointedly at Sayid. Not that I fooled myself into thinking this statement might actually have any effect.
It happened sometime after I shot Ethan. I was standing in the ocean washing my hands. I'd never killed anyone before, and though I still believe to this day that he deserved it, its something I never wish to repeat.
"Charlie."
Ah, fucking fantastic. Sayid, here to lecture me about shooting Ethan, no doubt. I ran my hands through my hair and then crossed my arms in front of me without turning around.
"Charlie, please look at me."
I turned to face him, my arms still crossed in front of me, eyes narrowed, every muscle in my body was tense.
"What do you want?" I asked bitterly.
"Charlie, what you did today was incredibly stupid."
"Oh, well, thank you for that." I snapped. "At least I did something. He's never going to hurt anyone again."
"There are others out there."
"And I will deal with them when and if the time comes."
"Charlie, listen to yourself. What you're saying." He paused. "Have you ever done anything like that before?"
"What? Killed someone?"
Sayid nodded.
"No. But I don't regret it. And if the situation warranted, I'd do it again."
"Charlie, you don't want to be that person. I know what you're going through."
"Sayid, you know nothing about me, anymore. You know nothing about what I have been through. Because you never even asked, never even came up to me to see how I was doing, never even…look, why don't you go run off to Shannon? Someone who's actually interested in what you have to say."
"I'm here now. I'm asking now."
"Well, too little, too late. I'm not interested."
Sayid moved into the ocean, standing right before me and placing his hands one either side of my face. "Charlie don't do this. Don't let the hurt and the anger drag you down, make you into something you're not."
"Don't touch me!" I shouted, pulling away. "All I wanted was one word from you. One shred of evidence that you still cared for me, or fuck, even remembered me and what we'd been through. And what did I get? Nothing! So don't come to me now and act like you care. Just don't!"
"Charlie."
I shook my head, all the anger from the past few weeks coming to the front. If it were possible, if I didn't love that man so much, I would have hated him right then. I brushed past him violently, heading up the beach.
"I'm sorry."
No. He did not just say that. I turned to face him once again, the anger smoldering within me, my jaw clenched so tight it almost hurt. I didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry I didn't come to you before. But I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do….I'm so sorry."
I was wavering. I could feel it. And damn, I hated myself for it. But this is what I longed for all those dark days. And here it was, and I wasn't dreaming. I shook my head.
"I needed you." My voice shook as I spoke.
Sayid rushed towards me, wrapping his arms around me, and it felt so good. Better than ever before and I slumped into his arms, unable to fight it any longer. We both collapsed onto the beach, arms tangles around each other and I laughed. It had been so long that it sounded strange to my own ears. We lay in the sand for a long time, my fingers curled in Sayid's hair, his arms wrapped tightly around my chest, and I was glad we were so far down the beach from the camp. I didn't want anything to interrupt this. We stared up at the darkened sky, t7he stars twinkling in the distance.4
"It's a beautiful night," Sayid said.
I nodded. "You never see the stars like this in Los Angeles."
Suddenly Sayid shifted, sitting up partially, leaning over me. His face was just inches from my own. He stayed like that for a few minutes, just looking at me.
"You're beautiful," he said. I smiled, shaking my head. "What?" he laughed. "You are."
I didn't respond, and he just kept looking at me. And then he was leaning in close to me, his weight pushing down on me, and his lips lightly brushing against mine, hesitantly, as if he was waiting for me to object. Immediately my arms came up behind him, pulling him closer to me, mouth opening and tongue slipping into his mouth. I reveled in the warmth of his body next to mine, wrapping my arms tightly around him. I could not get him close enough to me. Finally I broke the kiss.
"You are wearing entirely too many clothes," I whispered, and Sayid smiled.
"We can fix that."
We both began tugging at his shirt, and it probably would have gone a lot smoother if I would have just let him take it off, but I wanted to be a part of it. Finally we got his limbs untangled from the shirt and it was tossed off somewhere in the distance. I ran my hands over his chest.
"Mmm," Sayid said. "Hold on, it's your turn."
Somehow I managed to pull myself into a sitting position and Sayid pulled my t-shirt over my head. I've no idea what happened to it after that. He licked his lips a moment and then leaned in, kissing me deeply, and I settled back into the sand.
"Mmm, I want to feel all of you," he said as he ran his hands along my inner thigh. Mmm. There was nothing that sounded better to me in the world.
Sayid continued to see Shannon after that. I knew that. But I managed to convince myself that I didn't care because he always came back to me in the end. And I never complained. Not once. Well, at least not when he could hear me. I didn't complain when I saw the longing looks he cast her way. Nor did I complain when the two disappeared on their little overnight trip. That was the night that Boone died. And I didn't see Sayid for a long time after that. Not until I punched him.
We had talked before then of course. Polite small talk or him refusing to give me a gun because of that whole shooting Ethan thing. You know, the usual. But I think it was the punch that really got his attention.
"It's your fault!" I screamed. "You brought her into the camp. If you had just given me a gun."
"Do not hit me again. You want to waste time assigning blame? There's plenty to go around. She has a head start. If we leave now we can catch her."
I stumbled back. "You would go with me?"
Sayid didn't respond. But I saw the truth in his eyes. He would help my try to rescue Claire's baby because he cared about me, and I cared about Claire and the baby.
"How are we going to do that?"
"Because I know where she's going."
Sayid handed me a gun. "This isn't about revenge. Don't make it personal."
I thought at first that he was trying to protect Rousseau, but I realize now he was protecting me. He didn't want me to become the person he'd warned me about becoming earlier. This was all about me. As far as he was concerned this whole trek through the jungle was all about me. And I loved him more right then than I ever had before.
It was him that forced me to stop when I was running myself to the point of exhaustion. And it was him that didn't force me to turn back after nearly having my head caved in by a pile of heavy rocks.
"I'm not going back," I said, clutching a towel to the gash on my forehead. "You have to fix it."
"I'm not a doctor."
"You're a soldier. What do people do when you get wounded? I'm not going back without that baby, Sayid."
He looked at me, understanding. "Alright. Don't move." Sayid opened one of the bullets and suddenly I was having second thoughts.
"Gun powder?"
"Remove the towel and tilt your head back." I hesitated. "Move the towel." I tilted my head back and Sayid poured the gunpowder on it.
"This is because I hit you, isn't?"
Sayid's lip quirked into a slight smile, and he lit the match. "This is not going to be pleasant. You ready? 1-2-3."
Let me just tell you, unpleasant is quite the understatement. It hurt like a bitch and I swore a blue streak. But the thing I carry with me from that experience was how tender Sayid was when he helped me through the pain.
We made it back to the camp with Aaron after tracking down Rousseau and island life returned to normal. Only now we had food, thanks to the previous occupants of the hatch. Sure, the food wasn't going to last for long, but for that night I had a full stomach for the first time in weeks, and life was good. Claire had her jar of peanut butter, and that made me smile. And I had a bag of chips, a bottle of soda pop and some chocolate bars. Now I just needed someone to share them with. After searching the camp and not finding Sayid, I realized that it must be his shift at the hatch. I gathered my things and headed there.
"Knock knock," I said, peeking my head into the door.
Sayid glanced up from the computer and smiled. "What are you doing here? You should be enjoying the festivities at the beach."
"How could I enjoy myself without you?" I asked, stepping inside and closing the door.
I sat down on the bed, looking at Sayid. "Whatcha doing?"
Sayid motioned helplessly at the computer. "Just trying to figure all this out. But I don't even know where to start. I haven't a clue what's going on here." He glanced at the timer. Seventy four minutes.
"Wanna take a break?" I asked.
Sayid glanced at me, smiling. "And do what?"
"Well, I brought food," I said, holding up the chips and chocolate bars. "It's not exactly gourmet, but it beats fruit and cold boar meat."
"Mmm. That's definitely a tempting offer."
I raise my eyebrows. "Not tempting enough?"
Sayid smirks. "It could use a little work."
"How about if I offer you a kiss if you come over here?"
Sayid nods. "It's getting better."
"And well, there's this nice soft bed here." I clear my throat. "And, well, everyone else is preoccupied elsewhere."
"Ah, see, now that is a tempting offer." Sayid stands and moves towards me. He sits beside me on the bed and I lean in to kiss him.
When Sayid came out of the jungle, carrying Shannon, her body covered in blood, I knew it was all over. Sayid's eyes were vacant; he was totally lost, broken. I tried to go to him, tried to talk to him. But there was nothing I could say. And nothing I could do.
After the funeral, presided over by Jack, as usual, I huddled under a blanket away from the crowd, feeling sick. I felt so useless. What good was I if I couldn't even comfort Sayid in this time of need. But Sayid didn't look at me, didn't seem to need me and I felt lost.
I fingered the statue of the Virgin Mary in my pack. My own temptation. I bit deep into my lip before shoving it back into my pack. I didn't want to be that person again. Sayid would hate it. I glanced up at him, also sitting on his own. This time the tears wouldn't come, but I prayed for them to come, to release me from the pain. I don't think Sayid will be coming back to me this time.
Some things break beyond repair.