Chapter 12
The next morning, Erik awoke with his arm around a sleeping Christine, who was cradling their child in her arms. He kissed the top of her head gently, smiling to himself. He could hardly believe how happy he'd grown in one evening.
Christine slowly opened her eyes, and smiled up at him. "Good morning," she whispered groggily.
"Good morning, mon cherie. I apologize for waking you."
"It's quite alright."
Everything seemed so perfect to Christine. This was how it was supposed to be. It would end though, she knew. It could have been this way forever if she had made a different choice... The right choice.
He was silent for a moment, absorbed in thought. Finally, his voice quiet, he asked, "Do you desire anything to eat?" She shook her head.
"I want to stay like this," she whispered, closing her eyes. He kissed her cheek gently.
"I'm afraid we cannot..." he said quietly. His thoughts had turned to the months ahead. He knew she would have to return to Raoul... They could not be together. Even if she loved him, they would never be able to act on it, at least not as most couples do. He held her closer to him slightly, not wanting to ever let her go. She opened her eyes and looked up at him. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, cherie..."
"Erik... Tell me," Christine said comfortingly. She could tell something was wrong, even if he denied it. He was silent a moment longer before replying.
"It is simply that I thinking about the fact that you will not be able to stay with us... You will have to return to the boy... We, our family, will be separated."
"I don't have to, you know, I could... I could stay..."
"No, darling, that would not be wise."
"Why?" she whispered, feeling tears well up in her eyes. "I could leave him..."
"No... You cannot... You must live on, as if nothing has changed... He must never know of... us."
"Why not! I love you... That's supposed to be all that matters." She sat up, her tears now flowing freely from her eyes, forgetting that she held Brigitte in her arms, who woke and began to cry.
"Christine, please... Trust me, my love. It would only destroy young lives, and young love, if you told him of all this. You would not want to hurt him... Your life would not be happy with me. You will be happy with him." Telling her these things hurt him in a way he could not describe. But at the same time, he knew everything he said was true.
"You don't know that, Erik!" she sobbed. "You don't mean what you're saying!"
"Yes, darling, I do. I only wish for what is best for you. You belong in a place where others can admire your beauty, and talent. If you stayed with me, that could never be. You'd always be hidden away. You do not deserve that." Christine shook her head with disbelief as she tried to comfort crying baby. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could he declare his love for her and then push her away? He had seen how unhappy she had been when she had first come back to him... How could he send her back to something that had made her that way?
"You must try to understand... You may not now, but you shall see, you will be happier this way. If you stay with me, you will have to live with guilt, regret... You would not be content, not with me. I will miss you... You will take my soul when you leave... But it must be this way..."
"I don't understand, Erik! I can't! Why are you doing this!" Erik felt a tear slip from his eye.
"Christine, please, just trust me... You deserve a normal life. You would not want to hurt the boy... I will never forget you, you will never forget me, I hope. We have our memories, we have our love, we have our little girl..." Most of the things he said now were his exact thinking on that night many months ago when they'd shared their first kiss. Only now, it seemed much harder to say goodbye.
She shook her head, "Don't do this..."
"I must, you must... Please get dressed... Your servants will be missing you by now." Silently, she handed him a crying Brigitte, and began to put on her dress. Her sadness had turned to just feeling... numb. She felt hallow inside. Had this been his plan all along? Had he simply told her he loved her just to push her away? To make her pay for what she had done to him before? Was this his way of getting back at her? She had let all of her walls down, and had finally been just her. She had admitted she loved him... This is what she got, she supposed, for letting her guard down... For letting herself believe she wouldn't get hurt. Silent tears rolled down his cheek. He had not intended to hurt her... If she was hurt, then he was suffering at least twice the amount of pain. But he knew this could not come without pain. A thought entered his mind.
"Christine," he said quietly. "I haven't anything to take care of her."
"Neither do I."
"I suppose I'd best make the arrangements... Where do you purchase such thing?" he asked tonelessly. He had not yet told her that he already had purchased a home and property, on the outskirts of the city. He supposed that now would be as opportune time as any to disclose this to her. "Christine... I have a house. I can move into it at anytime. The rooms are prepared as far as walls and carpeting is concerned... All I've left to do is purchase the furniture and such..."
"Oh." That was all she could think to say. This was all happening too fast. She had found love and happiness just last night... And now her heart was broken... Shattered. She felt no happiness; she felt nothing... Just... empty.
"Yes, so over the next few months I will be making the transition... I shall be busy... Do you believe that you can allow Brigitte to live in your and the vicomte's home until I am ready to settle in with her?" He paused. "She will still need to nurse, in any case."
"Allow her to live in my house? Do you think I'm that cold? That I would be repulsed by my daughter living in my own home?"
"No," he said patiently. "I would just believe that it would be difficult to have an infant in your home, with servants and such to hear and see..."
"It doesn't matter... They figured out that I was pregnant a long while ago..." Christine said in a cold voice that didn't sound like her own.
"Yes, I suppose they would," he replied, ignoring her tone. "So it would be fine?"
"It would."
He nodded. "I shall send for you both when the house is sufficiently prepared." Erik knew how much she was hurting right now, for she had done the same thing to him. After he'd opened his heart and soul to her, she'd left him. And now he was doing the same thing to her. He knew that it was not fair, but he was doing it for her own well-being. Did that count for anything?
"So this is what it feels like..." Christine whispered, feeling her tears begin to fall again. He made no response; he could not even meet her eyes, for once. He hated hurting her so much. Christine felt the tears turn to sobs once again. She sat down on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands as her shoulders shook.
Cradling the baby in one arm, he sat next to Christine and wrapped his free arm around her shoulder as she wept. In spite of herself, she leaned into him, burying her head in his chest. He rubbed her back and kissed her gently on the head. He wished he could absorb her pain... But he knew that it must be this way, even though neither of them wanted it.
"Why does it have to be this way?" she whispered through her years.
"What is right is not always easy to bare... Be strong, Christine." He longed to say something more, but each time he tried, the words never came out correctly. He continued to comfort her silently.
"... But I need you..."
As his tears began to fall once again, he whispered, "Christine. I will always be with you. I will never leave you. Please trust me. I love you. I will never leave you." Christine couldn't find her voice as her body shook as she began to cry harder. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding onto him as if if she let go he would be gone. He held her and the baby as well as he could, whispering, "It will all be fine. You will be fine," into Christine's ear.
Lies. What he was telling her... They were all lies to Christine. She couldn't be without him... Not after all that had happened; all they had been through. His whispers in her ear... Knowing that he was trying to be strong... only made her cry harder. Only made her need him more. She knew that without him she would live... she would be alive... But her soul... Her heart... they would die. She clung to him, hoping that this was all a very vivid dream, and that soon she would wake up in his arms and everything would be alright.
He could tell that she did not believe him, perhaps he didn't fully believe himself. But if he kept saying these things, they'd both eventually come to believe them. He did not doubt it would be hard; little in his life had been easy. But he also knew that they would go on. They would not forget, they would never be happy. But they would go on. Soon, Brigitte joined them in their weeping. He looked into Christine's eyes a moment before looking down to the child.
Christine took Brigitte from him, suspecting she was hungry. She looked down at the crying baby and forced a smile as she adjusted her dress to feed her. As the baby ate, Christine quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, forcing herself to relax so her daughter could nurse. Holding her helped ease the aching in her heart, even if it only was a slight bit.
As Christine fed the babe, Erik rose from the bed and stripped off his tear-soaked night shirt and changed into a fresh shirt, jacket, and trousers. He pulled on the mask. To his surprise, he had hardly noticed the absence of it through the whole morning. When he was fully dressed, he turned back to Christine.
"Is she finished?" he asked quietly. She nodded; his mere gaze upon her nearly brought her to tears. She blinked back tears as she readjusted her dress, cradling Brigitte tenderly in her arms. He extended his hand to her to help her rise.
"We must depart."
She took his hand, holding their daughter in one arm, and rose from the bed. She said nothing, not able to find her voice once again. He helped her into the gondola and rowed as if this were any other journey. Finally, they reached the mirror. He opened it, and stepped into the dressing room, once more extending his hand to her.
He held her hand in his as they made their way to the main entrance of the opera house. Thankfully, all the performing were either eating, rehearsing individually, or getting dressed at the moment, and the halls were clear. They stepped outside the opera, and descended the stairs. Erik hailed a carriage for her. As it pulled up to them, he turned to her, looked into her eyes, and said, "Do not forget that I love you. Expect a letter from me in six months, at the least." A tear ran down her cheek.
"I love you," she whispered, before she leaned up, standing on her tiptoes and kissed him, not caring who saw. He cupped her cheek in his hand as the carriage stopped next to them.
"I love you too," he whispered back. He helped her into the carriage, squeezing her hand gently before letting go. He paid the driver generously and told him where to take her, not catching the suspicious stares he was throwing, as Erik's eyes only left Christine's when they absolutely had to. He drove her off, carrying her away from him. He watched them go until after they were out of site. Finally, he hailed his own cab, and left for the shops.
Please don't hate us for that... all will be better should you all desire iteventually.