Chapter Five: Sin



[KEN]

Butterflies are flittering around in my stomach as I sit nervously on the edge of Ran's bed eyeing the clock. 1:32...1:33...1:34...Where the hell is he? He sure as hell isn't out clubbing with Yohji or at headquarters with Omi. I'd slipped into his room around midnight, expecting to find him tossing and turning in his bed as usual, having decided once and for all that if he couldn't come to me, I'd go to him - after all, it's been almost two months now? Two months since I'd first discovered he was gone, since he was returned to us broken. Two months since I'd seen him smile, heard his laugh; since he'd touched me or I'd touch him. It'd become as if "he and I" never were, and I had to let him know that I was still here for him, even if he wasn't ready to talk about things.

My heavy eyelids snapped open at the sound of soft footsteps approaching the door. This is it...Ran...

The light flicks on to reveal beautiful red hair and violet eyes which look confused, lost. He stands still, staring at me as if I doesn't understand why I am here. I am overcome with the urge to go to him, embrace him tightly. To run my hand over his hair and kiss his cheek and tell him that everything is all right.

"Ran." I know my voice sounds awkward, hesitant. "Ran, it's been awhile since we were together, just the two of us, and I thought that we could..."

"Fuck?" He finishes my sentence with bitterness, spitting the word at me. I am shocked by the force in his voice, and even more so by the fact that he thought I'd come here for sex. I wanted to help him, dammit! Before I recover, he continues.

"What, you thought that the others were out so you could slip in here unnoticed and have a go? Tired of waiting? If you want it that much, why not go visit Yohji? I'm sure he'd be willing, unless he's decided to try monogamy with Omi. But then, you never know, the two of them might invite you to join in."

His icy tone cuts me like a knife, leaving me shaking as I slowly rise to my feet. I don't even stop to consider what he said about Yohji and Omi, as unnerving as the thought is.

"Ran, that's not why - that's not what I want. I came here for you, because I, I..." The right words escape me, my confidence slipping away under his glare. I keep reminding myself that it's just too soon, that he needs more time, that I have to be patient and understanding, no matter what. I have to do this right, for him, for myself, for Keiko.

"Leave. Now." I flinch at the words. Leave? My feel remain firmly planted to the floor.

"I don't want to. I want to be here for you-" He cuts me off.

"I want you to go. Don't you get it? I don't want you. I'm sick of this whole thing, this stupid game we were playing. I'm sick of you hanging around me all the time like a lost puppy, looking at me as if I were made of glass. I'm sick of us." His eyes flicker downward momentarily, then rejoin mine. "Leave me alone. Go!"

Through my tears I see flashes of Ran, smiling, laughing. Through my sobs, I blurt out the only words I can.



[RAN]

His fists are clenched into fists, his voice insistent. "I love you, Ran! I love you, no matter what - I can't leave you!"

I can't hear this. I can't hear his desperate proclamations of love. Why is he so blind? Why is he clinging to the mere shell of someone who no longer exists? I'm not the person he used to love! I feel the anger rising in my chest, and see the pained look upon his face. It would be so easy to just push him away, to free him.

When I first saw him in my room, sitting nervously on my bed, all I could think about was how beautiful he was, how much I wanted him. His rich brown hair fell over wide eyes which were deep and intense, his cute pyjamas not hiding his firmly sculpted body. I wanted to throw him back on my bed and take him right there. And then it hit me... *Do you really want to taint his purity with your filth?*...Schuldig, the bastard, was right. Ken deserved better than me! I had to let him know that, but I also knew the baka wouldn't listen. Pain and rage and shame mingled inside until I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, it was as if I was outside myself, watching someone else push Ken away.

As my fist explodes on the side of his face, I know that what hurts him most is the betrayal. I have destroyed my promise to never hurt him; to always love him in honesty. He is crumpled on the floor, tears running down his cheeks as he presses his right hand to his bruised jaw and looks up at me with a questioning and confused gaze. But even after trying to drive him away, I see it in his eyes.

// "You don't have to worry about me leaving you - you're stuck with me, koi!"

"Promise?"

"Hai. Ai shiteru, Ran." //

He can't hate me. He will always keep his promise, he will always love me, even as I beat him, yell at him, kick him, order him to leave me alone. He will always cling to the promise he made, even if it is through tears I have made him shed; even if his vows are spoken through lips bruised and bleeding by my hand. I stop kicking him and look down at his unconscious form. He knows me too well.

I lean over, gently gathering his broken body in my arms. He is lighter than I expect. I lay him down on his mattress, removing his clothes and surveying the map of bruises trailing from his jaw, down his chest and abdomen to his thighs. I feel nothing but emptiness as I retrieve the first aid kit from the bathroom and treat his bruises and cuts, knowing that tomorrow morning he will hurt like hell and be wishing I'd finished the job.

As I leave the room, I remember to unplug his alarm clock. I'll cover his shift in the morning. It's the least I can do for him.



[KEN]

The fear rises in my chest as I stand firm, telling him I love him, pleading with him to love me.

It's no good.

"Ken, didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" He steps forward, a cold predatory gaze present in his deep eyes. "I told you I don't care about you, that it's over - can't you accept that? Or are you so pathetic that you need to stalk someone who doesn't want you?"

I swallow hard, chocking back a sob. This isn't right. This isn't Ran talking, this isn't him!

// "I used to live for revenge, I used to exist only in my anger and hate. Now I live for Aya-chan, and for you, to make you both happy. I'll never hurt you, Ken. I promise."

"I know, Ran."

"Ai shiteru, KenKen. Forever."

Plum blossoms swirl in the air, a single petal landing on Ran's shoulder. //

He continues to near me. I stand my ground, even though I can see his fists tightening and can feel the violent electricity which cracks in the air around him. Fuck. I can't leave him, I promised I'd never leave him, never hurt him...I can only pray he doesn't kill me.

The first punch catches me slightly off guard as his fist makes contact with my face, not my gut as I had hoped. I fall to the ground, choking on blood, my head reeling as he kicks me repeatedly in the chest.

"I told you...to leave me...to forget me...are you so stupid that you'd take this and come back for more? Are you, Kenken?"

His voice is a sneer; his glare empty, cold, homicidal. And aimed at me. I'd only ever been on the receiving end of his rage a few times, but more than enough to know that it's a place I never wanted to be again. Through the pain all I can cling to is the hope that maybe his anger isn't at me, but at those bastards who hurt him. Maybe despite his fists and curses he still loves me. Maybe...maybe he doesn't mean to break his promise. Maybe beating the shit out of someone he loves will be enough to knock some sense into him.

I slip into unconsciousness, awakening mid-afternoon the next day feeling as if I'd been dumped off a cliff.

***

I make my way slowly to the lounge, cringing at the pain which shoots up my side at each step. Looking in the mirror this morning was a major shock; the bruises covering my right cheek, the purplish puffiness under my eyes, the swollen broken lips all reminding me of what Ran had done. As I stared at my broken reflection I was somewhat surprised to notice that someone had carefully cleaned and treated the bruises on my face and had bandaged my side.

I hooted at the image of Ran beating me and then tenderly dressing the wounds with the same hands that had inflicted them.

Making my way into the kitchen I hear a loud gasp and the sound of a glass clattering to the floor. Yohji. Great. Wasn't it his shift this afternoon? No, it was mine -double shift today with Omi. Ran must have covered it.

"What the fuck happened to you?" Yohji is openly gaping at me, the shocked expression making it clear that it was, in fact, Ran who had put me to bed and patched me up after I had passed out. My mind races, searching for an answer that won't give away the truth.

"Well, I uh...had an accident. Coaching soccer yesterday. I ran into goalpost-you know me, always doing something dumb." I force out laughter which makes me cry out in pain as my wounded chest protests.

"A goalpost. Right." There was a familiar blaze in Yohji's green eyes which I have only seen him wear when someone he cares about is in danger. "A goalpost punched your lights out and kicked your chest in." He stood there openly questioning me, his tone obvious that he knows I'm bulshitting him. Now what? "Ken, you're business is yours-but I think as a friend I deserve to know who....No. No Goddamn way. Fuck!" His sudden change makes it clear that my pleading eyes have given everything away. He turns quickly, grabbing his coat and slamming the kitchen door behind him. I hear the thunder of feet going down the steps before I realize where he is going.

I numbly sit down at the kitchen table, open up the newspaper to the sports section, and ignore the tears which are streaming down my face.


[RAN]

"4000 yen? I don't know-it's a bit more than I had in mind."

"Then leave. I have customers waiting." I know I'm being rude, but who cares? Ken is at home sporting some new bruises and hopefully a new hatred for me. Our relationship is over, and at least I can go through the motions of living knowing that he will be safe from me. Try as I might, however, the thought doesn't really bring me much comfort.

"Hmm!" The short lady with the overbearing perfume stalks away, looking miffed. Fine by me.

"Aya-kun!" comes Omi's admonishing voice.

"Omi, I have no patience for..." My thought is interrupted by a familiar blonde figure charging toward me, eyes ablaze and hands clenched in tight fists.

"Inside. Now" He hisses in my ear, venom dripping from each word. I numbly nod, knowing why he is here and not wanting to have this out in front of a score of schoolgirls. As we enter the mobile Koneko, my insides are like ice, my gaze empty as I turn to face him. Without warning, his fist pounds into my gut, making me bend over double and retch. I really should have expected it; Yohji is, after all, a man of honour.

He leans over me, his voice deadly. "I once told that guy to have faith in you because you were the best of all of us. Now I'm taking back every word. Christ, Aya, do you think that you're the only one who hurts? Who bleeds inside? Can't you see the haunted look in Ken's eyes as he waits for you to come back to him? And what do you give him for all his pain? A black eye? Maybe some cracked ribs? Because why, because you hurt, because you're in pain? You selfish sonnofabitch!"

I feel myself shaking under the weight of his words and under my own anger. How the hell can he possibly understand? Hurting Ken like that was the least selfish thing I've ever done! I can't let him be with someone like me!

As my thoughts run in circles of confusion I hear myself reply: "It's none of your goddamn business."

"Listen you bastard. You touch him again and I'll..." I cut him off, making my resolve clear.

"Threaten me and I will kill you."

Yohji stops his threat and backs away, his eyes narrowed. The words sound strange coming from my lips. I feel detached, as if I'm only watching this happen, not actually doing it. Now actually beating Ken, not threatening Yohji, who is only doing what is right.

The worst of it is, part of me can actually see myself raising my katana over that blonde head. It's the part of me which needs strength, the part that needs to be alone and needs to push everyone away; the part that I feel is steadily taking control of my life. It's the part of me that knows that I am only a murderer.

The part that knows that I don't deserve Ken. That I never did.

***

That night, I get a call from Aya. Damn.

"Ran, what's wrong?" Aya-chan has been calling more frequently lately, probably owing to the fact that I have been calling her less and less. I sigh slightly, not really sure how to handle her. She's grown to be as persistent as myself, and as overprotective as Ken...Ken...dammit, I don't need to think about him now!

"Nothing." I silently curse myself, knowing that she caught the slight wobble in my voice.

"Ran" Her normally cheery voice has taken on a seriousness I have rarely heard. It sends a chill down my spine to think about how much she sounds like myself.

"Ran, we've been separated for a long time, but I can still read you like an open book. I know that there is something, something big, that you aren't telling me."

Horror floods me as I think of her ever finding out about my life with Weiss, my blood-stained hands, and my ultimate moment of weakness. My shame. "Aya, please...don't. Don't ask-I can't..."

"No! Not this time! I never pressed you about your work, but I know that we aren't as comfortable as we are on your wages from a mobile flower shop! I never questioned your stories about how you got all those awful scars, or about your relationship with Ken-kun, or told you about how frightened that cold look in your eyes makes me. But I won't let you hide from me on this! Talk to me!"

For the first time since my attack tears flow freely as I hear the desperation in her voice, her innocent belief that if I confide in her she will be able to somehow fix things. But I know now sure as when I sent her away to school that all I can do is ruin her.

"Ran?"

"Gomen, Aya-chan..."

I rest the receiver in the cradle and head to my room, feeling even more hollow inside.

Through my tears, I stop, looking toward Ken's room.


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