Chapter Six: A Bloodless Death
[KEN]
There is a circle of them; all clad in black uniforms, the kind which used to frighten me as a child when I first arrived at the Mission. They tower above me, as they did then, only now their faces are not filled with pity at the plight of an innocent orphan child, but with sorrow and anger at the murderer I have become. The circle of clergy seems to suddenly widen, and I see that I am no longer alone in the centre, but am standing between Kase and Ran. To my left is the first person I truly loved, who no doubt awaits me on the other side to which he was sent by my hand. To my right is another killer who I now love with my whole bloodstained self.
"Kase? Ran? What's going on?" I try not to sound as panicked as I feel, but how could I be anything else? Ran looks up at me for a second, his eyes sad. Neither he nor Kase speak. Their eyes are downcast, their faces somber--we stand together accused and condemned, sinners bound for an eternity together in hell.
The silence is broken by Kase. "Don't you know, Ken? You should. You were the one who brought us to this. You brought me to shame with our sinful relationship, you led me to jealousy and corruption and then sent me to death. But that wasn't enough for you! You then had to turn to a fellow killer with whom you've mocked the purity of love. And when he needed you most, when you could have redeemed some of your sins, you weren't there. Now he is as dead inside as I."
I shake my head wordlessly, scared and confused. Ran and Kase slowly fade, leaving me alone, surrounded by those who raised me and had faith in me. I look the ground under the weight of their stares and cry. Above me, an echo sounds throughout the room, the voice of a young girl long dead: "You didn't save me, Ken. I trusted you..."
Because you see, I failed them all. Keiko, Kase, Ran, and ultimately, those who taught me to love God and fellow man.
[RAN]
His door is cracked open, as if he is inviting me in. He has silently invited me in every night since I so painfully wounded him by saying that I wanted to sleep alone; and is inviting me in even after I beat him. This is the only time I have given in.
I ease the door open, praying it doesn't creak, praying he doesn't hear me as I move toward the bed. He is curled on his side, his head turned down to his knees, twitching slightly. Chocolate locks fall forward covering his shut eyes, his soft moans the only sound in the dark room. Funny, I never remembered Ken having nightmares.
I lean down, brushing his hair aside with one hand, while the other rests on his pyjama-clad shoulder. It's been so long. Just one kiss. As my lips graze his warm forehead, he stirs, a small sigh escaping from perfect lips. Warm brown eyes flicker open, meeting my empty purple ones.
"Aya?" He sounds sleepy and confused.
[KEN]
I am pulled out of the darkness by a cool hand gently brushing the hair away from my forehead, another resting on my shoulder. A soft sigh as warm breath tickles my face and hot lips brush against my forehead.
"Aya?" I know my voice sounds shaky, uncertain. The truth is, I'm not sure through the painkillers if this is real, or an illusion. Has he come back to me?
It's almost too much to hope for.
No. When I meet his eyes its like day turning to night; the stare becoming empty, cold. He roughly jerks his hand away and staggers backward, as if he is just now realizing where he is and what he is doing.
"Why are you here?" Has he come to kill me? To talk? Not bloody likely. If only he'll open up to me, if only he'll stay...there's so much I want to say to him, so much he needs to hear. Aya...Ran..I have caught him off guard. And then I notice the wet streaks trailing down his cheeks.
[RAN]
I stagger backward, my hand flying from his shoulder in a quick gesture. He looks hurt, unable to judge what I want, unable to sense that not even I know what I want.
"Why are you here?" He's uncertain, his voice blending fear and confusion with hope. Why the hell am I here? He suddenly looks beautiful in his vulnerability, the smallness of his form on the bed, the bruises marring his perfect face...
Wait a minute...bruises? Did I...? Fuck!
"Ken." I quickly turn, taking short, shallow breaths. I feel like my chest is going to explode. What the hell is going on? I love Ken! Don't I? I have never felt more confused in my life. I quickly leave his room and head to the front door, grabbing my trench coat on the way. Suddenly, the apartment feels very small.
As strange as it seems, there was only one place I wanted to be, other than at Ken's side. With the one person who knew how empty I was, and who wouldn't care. Who I could use without hurting, because he wouldn't expect anything from me. With the one person who could understand why I needed to push everything and everyone away.
*Schuldig.*
"I know you're nearby."
[KEN]
The door clicks shut as he leaves in a swirl of confusion. The emptiness which remains is sharp and final.
~~~~`~,~@
[RAN]
He is standing by the window as I enter the room. I drove all morning looking for him, chasing his words in my mind until they led me to an out-of-the way tasteless "love hotel." A fitting place for my next sin. The hotel room is small and dingy, the bed narrow and the sheets probably not changed since the last customers made use of it. I don't care, and neither does he.
His jade eyes look me over with a slight curiosity, his mind speaking directly to mine. *Well, well. The Kitty come slinking back to me. I thought you needed no one, Aya-liebe*
*Smug bastard.* I advance toward him, anticipating hearing that nasal voice scream under me.
"I heard that. Now are you going to tell me why you're here? Or can I just assume that you realized you needed me? "
I stop, my eyes flashing with anger and pent up passion.
"I'm here because I need no one, least of all you. I'm here to use you, to take what I can get, and to leave you empty." Against my will, my thoughts continue. * It's the only way I can feel...*
*...alive?* "I understand, Ran." A slight smile.
"Don't call me that."
I reach out and pull the orange-haired man toward me in a fierce embrace, ravaging his mouth with mine. His warm mouth is cigarettes and spices, so different from the toothpaste and sweetness taste of Ken.
I break off the kiss to start removing his clothes, tearing that stupid green jacket he is always wearing and flinging the ugly yellow headband to the floor. He laughs and repays me in kind, ripping off my trench coat and breaking some of the buckles in the process before throwing it to the floor. We fall together, tumbling to the narrow bed. The springs creak loudly under our collective weight.
My breathing is rapid and irregular, my chest rising and falling against his. I close my eyes and, for a moment, I'm in bed with Ken on a lazy Sunday afternoon, the gentle aqua eyes smiling up into mine as he tells me about his latest soccer practice or patiently listens to me discuss the latest book I'd read. We'd lay like that for hours, our hearts pressed together, our eyes locked, our bodies as one. My eyes fling open as I push such thoughts to the side. Forgetting all that is the reason I'm here, isn't it?
Beneath me now are deep green eyes which bore straight into me, surrounded by a halo of blazing hair. His features are softer up close, and fore an instant he seems fragile and vulnerable, so like Ken but so different...
All thoughts of guilt fly from my head as I feel his hardness press up against mine. He places his hands on my ass and grinds our hips together, making us both groan as I claim his mouth. We break apart long enough to rip off our remaining clothes, and as he lays on his stomach beneath me I somehow catch a snatch of his thoughts.
*...gods, I need this...* Hmm. So do I.
I cover his body with mine and place myself at his entrance, not caring if I hurt him, only needing to possess him. It is rough and hard, like a rape from both sides, and for a few stolen moments, we can let out our pain by abusing each other.
Afterward, I am still empty, cold. And as I dress myself I know for the first time without a doubt. Ran is dead.
*Dead and buried, liebe.* He exhales smoke in my direction from his spot on the bed.
I gather my torn coat and leave the room slamming the door behind me. And as I drive away, I can hear Schuldig's voice echoing in my head.
*Dead and buried.*
It doesn't matter what I do now. I'm not Fujimiya Ran, the innocent boy who had a family or the man who tried to love Ken as he deserved to be loved. I'm not Aya, a name given to a necessary tool of vengeance, now taken back by the girl for whom it was destined. There's only me, now. I'm nothing.
I peel out of the parking lot, not really aware of where I'm going. It doesn't matter. So long as I'm alone.
~~~~`~,~@