A/N: I feel a little bit repetitive with the constant apologies. It doesn't change the fact I'm going to say sorry it takes me so long to update. I'm going to really try and update at a regular interval because you know I want to and I want you guys to actually be able to read this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Lyrics from She Devil and Motherland by Natalie Merchant.

Chapter 5 – She Devil

She sat in the middle of the cell staring at her surroundings, she wouldn't allow herself to become comfortable in the cell; she couldn't accept this fate.

She stared at her hands now, the blood never went away; the blood of the people she killed would never fade. She wouldn't let it fade.

She didn't even acknowledge the guards as they came in and shoved her to the same room. The room made her feel uncomfortable, she said inappropriate things to the guards as they cuffed her to the chair. She still let Julia out sometimes. Julia never got to have fun anymore.

A new man came in today, she loved that it was impersonal. She didn't want to know the man that sat across from her at the table, judging her as her betrayal slipped from her lips.

"You're new," she smiled at him.

"No, Miss Bristow. We've just never had the chance to work together. I'd heard of you, I'd hoped I would have the pleasure of working with you someday of, meeting you, but I never thought it would be like this."

Judged, she thought. "Well I'm sorry that it had to be like this."

"Me too." He leaned back in the chair, and got comfortable to insinuate that this was going to be a long day. "Sydney, I'd just like you to start where you left off last night. You had just begun somewhat of an initiation process into the Covenant. Take your time, don't leave anything out, we've got all day."

She tried to get comfortable by struggling in the restraints, and smiled smugly. "The Covenant accepted Julia, they started sending her out on missions. At first they were pointless – it was almost as if they were still trying to prove to them it was true, that Sydney Bristow had been broken. It took another month before they let Julia do anything important. After a month of those pointless missions they finally introduced Julia to Simon Walker…"

she's better than a work of fiction
half ingénue, half a vixen
your little paper doll
but brother she's a wicked sister
subtle and sly, watch it mister
and take my advice, stay away
or number your days

Sydney Bristow wasn't going out tonight, she wasn't going to try and save the world again, or even try and save herself. She was going to curl up in a ball inside of her mind and pray, pray that this plan would work because every day she lost herself, and she didn't know how much she could get back.

Tonight was another night for Julia, every night was for Julia.

Sydney hated night clubs. She would go out with her friends but she never craved it - another drink, another song blaring, and another body behind her. Julia needed the night life, it was all that kept her going, and it was the only time she got to have her fun.

When she walked into the room everyone turned their heads, she walked with a confidence and grace that no one else could get away with.

She walked up to the man by the bar, laughing at his corny jokes, smiling and listening to his stories, as he bought her drink after drink. She never cared, she never thought the jokes were funny, she just pressed herself closer to him and that seemed enough. She was never going to care.

She gave into the alcohol quickly, losing any inhibitions early in the night. She never remembered faces or names; she remembered lips and inappropriate moves. She would remember slapping one man the next day but she wouldn't remember who it was, she would know the handsome man's number who had slipped it in her palm but she wouldn't remember what he looked like, she would try but she played at night.

He watched her from across the room taking another shot of rum. He was mesmerized since he had come in. He was shocked at her disregard of her job, she had been sent here to meet him. They were supposed to talk serious business; she didn't seem the kind of woman you talked serious business with.

He heard she was the best at everything. Julia Thorne had no conscience. She was heartless and cold, the aspect you search for in an assassin not what you search for in a girlfriend. He wondered why he would be thinking about her as a girlfriend but to him every woman was a prospect, she was just a very good prospect. He hadn't even had a word with her yet and he was planning to have a relationship with her, maybe it was inevitable.

He pushed his way into the sweaty crowd minutes later. It was the rare moment that she danced by herself in the middle of the crowd. He stared for a minute; she seemed dazed, lost in the music. He was dazed, lost in her.

She looked up and saw him. She knew who he was instantly; she winked at him, making her way over to him. She smiled biting her lip. "I kind of got caught up, sorry if you were waiting."

She could tell he was surprised she even remembered. She knew she reeked of alcohol and her stumbling wasn't convincing him of her abilities but she knew who he was. "I'm really sorry, Simon." She stood on her tiptoes and whispered in her ear.

"Don't worry-" was all he got out before she pulled him into a rough kiss.

-

"Sydney, before you continue I just wanted to ask a few questions. Your father mentioned your recent problem with alcoholism. He wondered himself where it would have originated from, do you think Julia's obvious problems with alcohol had anything to do with it?" The man leaned back folding his hands in front of him.

"You know, it doesn't surprise me that my father would mention that. He was such a great dad. Next time you see him, why don't you ask him how he dealt with my mother's death? Ask him how he dealt with his overwhelming guilt, the grief he just couldn't over come without his scotch. Just bring it up and you might see where I get my problem with alcohol. You'll find out it has nothing to do with Julia."

The man put his hands up as if he was sorry he had even asked. "After you met with Simon, what was your first mission?"

"You don't really have to ask that question do you?" She sneered. "You know the answer."

"I want to hear it from you Sydney. What was your first mission with Simon Walker?"

"Irina Derevko was a part of the Covenant, a major player. She was someone who had all the information regarding Rambaldi they needed. She was a client of Simon's, she needed someone killed and she hired Simon."

-

It had only been a few weeks since she had first met Simon. Julia didn't trust anyone easily; very rarely did she trust anyone but herself. Simon was different, she felt at ease with him. He made her feel normal in her skin.

It had only been a few weeks since he had first met Julia. Simon liked to keep his relationships professional with a little fun here and there. Julia was different. He felt at ease with her.

The relationship wasn't just business, there was something there that both of them felt but neither of them knew how to deal with.

He lay awake beside her staring as she slept peacefully. He reached over to brush away a stray hair when he saw the small smile playing on her lips.

She opened her eyes lazily. "It's not time to go yet is it?"

"Just about." He pulled her into his arms kissing his forehead. "I'm going to miss this; waking up with you with no work or anything to worry about."

She sighed. "Me too." She gave him a quick kiss. "But our work is never done."

-

"You were involved with Walker then? You had a relationship?"

"Julia did."

"Sydney, I don't understand your logic. You always seemed like such a level headed woman but you did this. You created this character, you made this woman out of the facts they fed you. Now you have yourself convinced that you're not the same person."

"I am not Julia Thorne. She was just another alias."

"Well part of you is according to your story. You could become Julia whenever you want. You would do whatever you needed to, to keep your cover. You can just bottle up everything that makes you who you are. Your morals, your beliefs, your knowledge you could just bottle it up to save yourself. This doesn't make any sense. If you needed to get away from your life you could have done it in another way."

"Get away from my life? Is that honestly what you think I was doing? My life was already gone. To everyone in the world, Sydney Bristow was dead. The only way I could get out was to do this, how can you not understand my desperation?"

"Of course I understand your desperation. What I don't understand is how you could kill a man, go as far as to kill your own mother, deceive everyone you love and for what Sydney? Double cross the CIA and work for the Covenant? What did you do it for? How did you survive with that guilt and still tell your story? You must be a stronger person than me."

What makes me envy your life?

Faceless, nameless, innocent, blameless and free

What's that like to be?

"What do you want me to say?" Tears started welling in her eyes. "I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what you want me to say."

"What do you want to say?"

"I was hanging by a string, I would have died. I wish I had of made the choice and just let them kill me. They would have given up on the brainwashing and just killed me. It would have been the kind of torture you can't even imagine but living with this, living is the worst torture. No one can ever understand. I live with this guilt and now this fear. The fear that everyone I love, everyone I care about is going to die because of the choice I made."

"Your choice to turn yourself in?"

"The Covenant is going to know. I always stayed in contact. When I don't call them, they'll know. They're going to find him first; they're going to find Vaughn and Emma. They're going to die and it's all my fault." She sobbed, she didn't care what they thought of her. She let the tears stream down her cheeks. "Please, don't let them die."

The man stood up from the table slowly leaving Sydney by herself. Her whole body shook with sobs, she didn't know how long it had been when the same guards came in and released her from the same restraints. They weren't scared this time. She collapsed in their arms, her body ached as they dragged her down the hallway and placed her in the cell.

She fell to her knees in the middle of the cell curling into the fetal position. She shivered and shook. She didn't know who she was anymore. She lost herself long ago and she hadn't even realized it.

-

He didn't know how to react to any of the news he had heard. He didn't know what to do, he would never know the right thing to do but at this moment it felt right. He had never been a good father; he would have never claimed he was a good father.

He almost pushed the guard out of the way as he led him through the long barred hallway.

She didn't even flinch or move when the loud noise rang out in the cell. He could only hear her cries.

He pushed the cell door open and the guard disappeared. Jack stood for a minute staring at his daughter, the daughter he never imagined would be sobbing on the floor where she was being held as a prisoner.

She looked up at him with blood shot eyes. "Dad…"

He didn't know what to believe from her story; he knew there had be explanations, the explanations only he would understand.

He sat on the hard bed and pulled her up beside him. She almost collapsed throwing her arms around his neck. "Don't leave me, Dad. Please don't let them kill you."

"I promise, Sydney. They won't, I won't let them get Emma either."

"I never thought I would see you again. I didn't think you would ever want to see me again."

"You'll always be my daughter." He smiled rubbing her back trying to soothe her.

"I need to tell you something." She looked up at him and he nodded urging her to tell him what he needed to hear.

"I went early to meet her, Simon was held up somewhere, he was coming in a few days. She didn't acknowledge me as Sydney, she knew what was going on.

"She knew that they had you?"

"She knew, she knew about everything. She tried to get me to leave one night, she tried but I couldn't. She had plane tickets, enough money, a new identity, but that's not what I wanted. She tried to convince Julia that Simon was just using her, the Covenant was just using her, but Julia couldn't be convinced. I wanted to come home. I just wanted to get home. I never let her know that it was still me, even she was convinced. I didn't know if I could trust her so she thought I was Julia, just like everyone else thought I was Julia."

"The next day she gave me pictures, pictures of CIA agents that knew more than they should about the Covenant, agents she felt would compromise the Covenant's end game. There were pictures…there were pictures of you."

"I didn't know what to do. I just reacted, I pulled out my gun. She didn't even see me do it. I don't even remember pulling the trigger."

"I tried to stop the bleeding after I did it. I just wanted to go back and act differently. I can't blame this on Julia."

"STOP!" Jack yelled pushing Sydney out of his arms. "Don't act like Julia's another woman, she's just some sort of façade. Don't act like you didn't shoot your mother or kill that man. You made those decisions. You made all of those decisions whether Julia was just a face you put on or not. It was always you."

"The hardest thing is knowing that. The hardest thing is knowing that it was me." Sydney shook her head.

"Sydney we can get you help. I'll get you all the help you need; you can come back from this," Jack explained, he didn't want his daughter to live the rest of her life the way she was now.

"You still don't understand. I tried to stop the bleeding. She was my mother, she deserved more than that."

"She didn't deserve more than that, Sydney. I would have killed Irina Derevko for a lot less. She was never your mother." He reasoned trying to calm Sydney down. She wasn't listening she just shook her head.

"You still don't understand." Sydney started trying to explain herself.

"I do, to save your life; I would have killed her, just like you did. I wouldn't have given her the chance."

"Irina Derevko was another test for Julia. The Covenant had fed her false leads and information which led her to believe that the CIA was becoming very aware of the Covenant's operation. She thought you had double crossed her." She stared at her hands, staring at the blood that never faded. "This was the real proof for the Covenant that they had broken me, no woman would kill her mother the way I did that day. They had found out that you and mom had been collaborating to try and find me, they needed to get her out of the way and they thought it would be the perfect way to end my initiation process, kill Irina Derevko and prove to themselves that Sydney Bristow was finally gone. It was their perfect plan."

"Sydney-" he started.

She cut him off her voice trembling. "I'll never be the same, you can't come back from that. You should probably go, Dad. Please don't come back, don't waste your time on me."

He had a plan, to save her. He hoped she wasn't too far gone, he hoped. He leaned over kissing her gently on the forehead and whispered in her ear.

"You'll always be my daughter."

Cradle me

Close my eyes

Lullaby me to sleep

Keep me safe

Lie with me

Stay beside me

Don't go

Don't go