Speak Nothing of Love
:Part Two- Why:
Why are you here?
There you stand before me, like some phantom from a distant dream. I feel the world fading, until once again, it is just you and me. Words fall from my lips that I do not remember speaking. Gesture and movement hold no meaning. A dream. This is a dream, nothing more.
I say this, but cannot bring myself to believe. I am a very convincing liar.
Three years have passed. I've learned as best I could to move on, live my life.
My heart had long since forgotten the pain of falling for you. It had forgotten, and was not ready for this sudden assault. It no longer remembered the pain, the sorrow, the overwhelming weight you bore upon it.
I was not prepared for this, and I find my heart hurting more than it ever had before. Or perhaps, I too, had forgotten how much you make me hurt inside.
You have no right to walk back into my life as if you belong.
The past three years, I've build up my defenses, letting no one pass them as you had done so unwittingly. Three years, and I find everything crumbling with a simple glance. See what you do to me.
Why are you here? Why have you come?
Things have changed, this time around. I am no longer just a simple, naïve girl. I am no longer awkward, clumsy, no longer a woman in a child's body.
Time has passed. I've gained the confidence I didn't have when I last saw you.
I'd like to say I am older, wiser… better. My dreams are a reality, not just bits of longing glimmering on the horizon.
I am my own person now, and you have no right to come, and take it away from me. One glance was all it took, and I was back at high school- blushing, tongue-tied, gallantly hiding my attraction for you behind a disinterested façade- no longer Tea Gardner, the world-famous dancer, but Gardner, Yugi's friend.
You make everything I've worked for feel worthless. Again, I am reminded that the world is a mask. The life I have carved is but a wall to hide my loss. I don't know if I have ever truly forgotten you. You are not so easy to forget.
Why are you doing this to me?
I am fire. I am ice.
I burn with the same passion I did years ago- brighter, even. You have not lost your touch.
Ice. Ice wraps around my heart, protecting it, saving it. This flame kindled within my soul will be contained.
I will not be a fool twice.
But I can feel that fire, straining. Slowly, so slowly, the ice is melting.
It frightens me. I fail to believe that I would make the same mistake I did so long ago. I should have learned to be smarter than that. You should not be able to ensnare me so easily. I should be strong enough to be immune to your charms. I have thought about you much. I know you have flaws. I should care, but I don't.
You should never have come into my life. If I give in, I will not stay a shadow for long.
Like I said, things have changed. You are no longer untouchable, unreachable.
I am your equal now, in my own right. Your grace, your confidence, your ability to hold a person in the palm of your hand- these have become nothing. I am every bit your match, maybe more. These have become nothing, and everything. I see that I am as susceptible to you as I used to be.
So. Nothing has changed, except for our positions.
I am not unworthy anymore. But you…you are still every bit an enigma.
Why should I think these things matter?
It doesn't.
I am a fool if I believe that I should take this chance. I didn't three years ago, when it wouldn't have had that much of an impact. Now? Now, the blow would be that much worse.
I am my own person now. There are people out there that care about me. Thousands of people a night gather, to watch me perform. Backstage, there are my friends, family. I have worked hard to have all these. What difference would one person make?
I can live without your love.
I will not shatter the perfection of the life I lead to pursue something I left behind a long time ago. I cannot.
You've never cared for anyone. What makes me think time would have caused that to change?
You stand there, as if you have stepped straight out of my memories. You, untouched by time, letting the swirl of the years pass you by.
Your grandeur has not dulled with time. Three years and a step deeper into society was all it took. I can see you are thriving.
The girls still flock around you. Can they not see your distain? They are unworthy.
Once, I was unworthy too, and I spared you of my presence. Now?
You deserve someone who does not see just your cold demeanor and your money.You need someone who will take the time to understand you.
I see you, and I know you are more human than anyone else can imagine. I have watched your triumphs and witnessed your defeats.
From the tiny amount of emotion you have shown, I am continually allowed a glimpse of your soul. This is enough to tell me that you will not let love intrude on your life.
I will not take that kind of a chance.
Why should I care?
I deceive myself.
I say that I don't want you, as if each repetition can strengthen my resolve. It can't. It won't.
Passion, caring, feelings…dare I say love? Three years has not been enough to dim whatever it is. Three years have not been near long enough to dull the brightness of my heart.
My heart flutters, and fades. It seems to sigh, resigned to its fate. It knows this feeling, painfully familiar. It readies itself for more.
My soul shifts, and awakens. Again? It asks.
Fate must either hate me or love me.
I see you, and I know that time has changed nothing.
You capture me, utterly, completely, and I laugh, because you are just as oblivious.
You have no idea what it is you do to me. You never did.
Isn't it funny how the world works? I spent three years wondering, hoping, and wishing I could see you again. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my wish would be granted. And now? Now I pray to the gods that you could have stayed hidden.
A dream when I walk in reality is too dangerous…too much.
Three years, and you had faded into the distance- a special memory I look back upon and smile at, bittersweet. I no longer remembered your face, could no longer hear your voice.
A shove in the right direction was all it took.
"Hey Tea, this is Seto Kaiba. You remember him, right?" And all the memory comes flooding back, as if three years had been just three hours. All the hurt, all the pain, fresh in my mind, what could I do but run?
I am so tired of running. My heart is tired of hurting. My soul longs for company.
I don't want to feel the pain of rejection. Not from you.
This…I should be dreading the days to come, preparing for another year of loneliness and heartache.
So then…
Why is it I don't feel that way?
:end part two: