This is the feeling of an adventure that I remember from when I was eleven. Fresh and new and undefeatable, and you can feel your heart pounding. I've had too much of the bad kind of pounding, and it's nice to be doing the right thing again.
It's been a long time since I've been in a library as good as the one in the Ministry, where Harry and Draco decided we should go. It's a nice feeling to be surrounded by books again- they're like insulation. It was one of the first things Malfoy did- brought me books, must have been over a hundred of them. He took to reading to me. I listened to his voice more than the words.
"Hermione?" Malfoy said, coming up behind me, "can you give me a street to look on?" His voice was soft, the one he uses when he knows Harry isn't listening. Harry was too involved in the genealogy of Malfoy's family- we had five generations to track back, and I wanted at least as many resources. Lucius was almost as good a liar as his son, so I didn't trust only the official documents. I needed Malfoy to get into that house, or I needed to get a hold of someone else.
"Diagon Alley," I said, he nodded. Then, he put a hand on my shoulder- he was warm.
"Hermione, you don't have to come," he took a deep breath, "I don't want you to come." His hand was heavy on my shoulder, he has big hands.
It had been so long since anyone touched me when he came into my life. I think Harry was afraid of me- he'd give me little things to do, when he thought I was able to, but that was all. Harry didn't know what to do with me, because he was too broken himself. I don't think Ron's death affected Malfoy at all- he understood that it was Harry's fault Ron had died.
I admit that, yes. Harry should have sent Malfoy in and gotten Ron out, and we all know that. He played too cautiously, he played the game we were meant too, and he lost. Harry lost Ron, and I think that killed him almost as much as it did me. Harry can just hold it together better.
"It's," I took a deep breath. Malfoy understands loyalty, trust; blood most of all. But the idea of a real family eludes him. He just can't grasp anything that deep. It's why he'll be a good father- but not the best. Harry, though he has no proper right too, understands family. He knows what we all need, because he never had it. He'll give that to Ginny, to his sons- he'll try to give me what he can. "She should have been my sister," I say finally. And he nods. I made it sound like loyalty- he knows about that.
Funny I should say that of someone who betrayed his own family, isn't it? But then, he was almost a murderer for his mother and he was a murderer for his ideals. We don't use those words, though. Harry calls them 'casualties' unless he knows them, and then he doesn't call them anything. Malfoy doesn't tell me anything, but I've asked. He's a fearsome fighter they say to me. Tonks told me it was like he was a different person, Remus went so far as to compare it to changing for him. Like he's made of steel, he told me. He's only been hit once, that anyone knows about- Crucio. And he just shook it off.
There are a grand total of two people in the world who can do that- I live with both of them. Harry has the power- the Unforgivables aren't the same with him. Crucio, once he learned how to control himself, is, to him, like someone punching you in the nose. It hurts, but not much. Malfoy, well, he's a powerful wizard, no doubt- but he's not that powerful. Sheer willpower. It's a different kind of strength. And not necessarily a better one.
"If you get killed," he says, "I'm not going to your funeral," I bite my lip, and even though everyone else I know would be falling over themselves with apologies, he doesn't. "Don't stay here too long- Potter's brain's probably about to explode. Should be funny." But his hand rests on my shoulder a second longer than necessary as he walks away. And he's laughing.
People don't like to laugh around me. It's like I shouldn't get the good parts until I'm over the bad- Malfoy knows about good and evil, understands they're just two sides of the same coin. You don't get one without the other.