Being Harry Potter's son is the least fun thing in the world. Now, it's not because of Dad- honest. Yeah, he's insane, sure. Yes, he and therefore all my siblings and I are unspeakably famous.
But that's not the part that's the least fun thing in the world.
That part when lurid novels describing my conception in purple prose are written and then found in my mother's closet. Then, of course, stupid Abby has to tell Dad about it- then Mum and Dad don't talk to each other, or really Sirius or I either. So, as always when they're fighting- Dad calls in the cavalry.
Uncle Draco, Auntie Hermione and Sabin come swooping in, ostensibly to 'save the day'. I've been around my parents for seventeen years now- the only thing that 'saves the day' is when one of them does something sickeningly romantic and then Uncle Draco rescues all of us for a week in France. Then he makes not-so-subtle jokes about make-up sex and it's actually a relief to get back to my semi-sane parents.
But, this time, it wasn't ending. Dad claimed that bringing 'that thing' into the house was giving all of us- my parents are crazy and have six kids with another potentially on the way- the wrong ideas about our life. Mum argued back- like a reasonable person- that it wasn't exactly as if she was reading it to us as a bedtime story (that was Sirius- and he was changing the names because most of it made him wretch). What's Draco's solution? Lawsuit.
Hermione's? Why, we should all write our own novel of course! For the children, you understand.
If this came from anyone else, Mum would have slapped them, Dad would have gone storming out of the room to go flying and Draco would have burst out laughing. But, Draco will give Hermione anything she asks for- always has, always will.
It makes most girls swoon. Especially my sisters, sadly.
Dad of course, feels exactly the same way about Auntie Hermione most days- if it's not too crazed, he'll do it for her.
So, they got to writing. By the end of the first week, there was a tearful reunion and Hermione and Draco declared that their task was accomplished and left their offerings before heading back home with promises to be back for my and Sirius' birthday.
They finished their book; all six of us spent a week of our vacation in Barcelona with the Malfoys and that was supposed to be the end of it. Honestly, the bloody end. But no, Hermione decides that we all have to know the truth. Which ends in the most disturbed version of story time in history.
She rounded all seven of us up one day when we were home for Christmas and announced that we were going to spend time together listening to a story we'd just hate.
At least she's honest.
Eventually Mum got sucked into it too- someone needed to mind the babies, since Hermione's never been any good with any of us. Then Draco realized that concentrated time spent together with Sirius and Sabin would probably end in either fisticuffs or sex (that's exactly how he put it when he came storming in after lunch and places himself firmly between them). This left Dad alone to pace the house- so he eventually came up. Which is why, at the end of the 'story' fisticuffs resulted anyway. Well, at least all four of them were rolling around on the ground in tears.
"You thought about sex with my husband?"
"It's the scar, I'm telling you!"
"I can too ravish! Ginny, tell him I ravish all the time!"
"Yes, dear. Draco, he ravishes frequently, With gusto."
"Mother!" Sirius interrupted at this point, "my virgin ears!"
"Virgin?" I spat out, laughing. Sabin had cut that step and was trying to tickle him to death.
"Daddy, did you really kick down a door?" That was Abby adjusting her glasses and goggling at Dad.
"He had help," Hermione said, grinning. Then she waved her wand hand in the air. Dad sulked.
"Poor baby," Mum said, crawling over and into Dad's lap. My parents are disgusting. Hermione sat up, resting a hand on her stomach and smilng at Draco, he grinned and put his on top of hers and mouthed something at her. Then Sirius and Sabin started in on each other. Since there were four innocent children in the room I did the only thing I possibly could to stop them all.
"So, Dad," perfectly innocent start, of course. "The whole tying up thing in the book…?"
And then I was viciously attacked- with pillows- by my very own father.