Title: Coffee Break: The Day Job
Characters: Catwoman, Batman
Summary: The morning routine.
Warning: Might be a parody.
Spoilers: None, really, unless you don't know Batman likes to
stop by Selina's apartment.
"I'm not getting a day job. I enjoy life the way it is. I wake up in the afternoon, have breakfast, see the sights, catch up on the news, go out for the night and come home to see dawn. Taking into account mortal danger, I have plenty of excitement, already." Selina blew at the coffee in her mug, watching Bruce play 'normal people' in her living room.
He pointed at the newspaper classifieds, while sitting in a sofa chair. "You could run a pet shop."
"I have five cats. I don't need a pet shop." Just then, one of said cats, Bubbles, chased an imaginary object through her kitchen. Skewing his ears back and forth, he spun in a circle, then tore off into the living room.
Bruce blinked at the cat, nonplussed. "How about an airline stewardess?"
"How could serving pretzels and tiny plastic cups of soda be interesting?"
"Well, you might crash and get amnesia."
She leaned against the kitchenette side wall, still outside the living room. "And then have wacky adventures and claim it wasn't my fault, later?"
"Precisely."
"Next you'll suggest I should marry into the mob and be done with it."
"Would that be so bad? I hear they throw great parties." He toasted her with his own mug, decorated with painted daisies, but the effect was ruined by the bull-whip laying on the center table.
"Complete with dead bodies and horse heads. I'd probably go insane and turn into a kook." She glanced at him, daring him silently to make a comment about being a costumed weirdo. He seemed to know better.
"Well, you could always go back to New York and resume office."
"Pardon?"
"You ran for mayor, remember?"
She stared, trying to decide if he was being man-stupid or Batman-silly. "Of course I remember. I also know that I'm legally dead and a convicted felon, in that order."
"No, you're not."
"Oh?" She raised an eyebrow, requesting he continue.
"The city revoked the death certificate, once they realized you'd faked it, but were too embarrassed to make it public." He kept a perfectly straight face, ernest, even.
"That still leaves felony."
"No. A poorly identified Jane Doe was charged and convicted, not you." His voice took on his teacher-tone. "Second, once I heard about the fear toxin I asked the forensics lab to screen one of their on file blood samples. The results indicated you couldn't have been aware of your own actions, or acting under self-direction, according to established precedent. Therefore, you had not actually been made aware of the charges brought against you, or your rights."
"Geek," she muttered under her breath.
His head snapped up at her. "What?"
She blew him a raspberry-cum-kiss, ignoring his offense. "You mean they didn't realize that when I kept saying, 'I don't know' to every other question?"
He leaned back, folding the newspaper neatly in his lap. "You didn't have an alibi."
"Well, it's not like anyone was going to take my side. Besides, I couldn't remember the alibi." She spread both hands out in the air beside her head. "Great big gaps in my memory and all that."
"Which is why I tracked down the head security guard over-seeing the convention. Would you believe he still had the statuette in his apartment?" When she didn't reply, he added, "He was using it as an umbrella stand."
"Mm."
"What, 'mm'?"
"You didn't check any of that the first time around."
His face went flat.
"But then you went and did it all later. Your greatest secret; you're a complete softy." Most men just bought flowers and chocolate. She padded into the living room, to plop down in the couch. "So I guess that explains why there was no heat on me."
He grunted. "The conviction was over-turned on grounds of mistrial. The guard was booked, tried and convicted, very quietly."
"I'll bet the P.D. loved that."
"Actually, relieved."
"Really?"
"You caused a prison riot, remember?"
"I didn't do it on purpose. The voices in my head said so," she added with artificial humor.
"And Quinzel."
It was her turn to grunt. "Bitch." She smiled. "You still missed something."
"Oh?"
"I was never sworn into office, but nice try. You had me going there for a moment."
"We could go somewhere else."
"You could go to work, since you're already late."
Bruce grunted again. "I'm going to tell all my friends that you're too practical to be a decent super villain."
"Please don't do that. I might have to take over the world to prove you wrong."
"You could just be mayor."
"No."