Title: Coffee Break: Swingers
Characters: Lois, Clark, Catwoman, Batman
Summary: Early morning visitors.
Warning: Might be a parody.
Spoilers: Er, Batman & Superman: World's Finest #8 and vague references to the Hush storyline.

"You said, 'visit Bruce', not stand around on rooftops at four in the morning." Lois tucked her hands in her armpits. "What could he possibly be doing at this hour? And, no, I don't want your jacket."

Clark, in disguise as the Reporter, pursed his lips at her. "He was in the city."

"Was he waiting for Dunkin' Donuts to open?"

"No. I don't think he eats donuts."

"Was he at Denny's?"

"No." Clark scowled briefly.

"Why was he still in the city? I know he's not working because you're wearing regular clothes, which means he's still here for some other reason. You may as well tell me because I will find out."

Clark gave her droopy eyes of long suffering tolerance just as a swish and thump signaled the arrival of Batman.

Lois spun around to declare, "Tarzan has arrived. And why couldn't we pick him up? Why did we have to wait for him to swing by?"

"I was busy." He loomed but Lois wasn't scared. She was married to Superman and it didn't get much scarier than that.

She looked over the ledge at the abandoned streets below. The only things moving were the street lights, blinking a steady yellow. "So what were you doing? Making omelettes?"

"No, coffee," interjected a second and decidedly female voice.

Lois blinked and turned her head. Catwoman was perched on the ledge beside her, also studying the streets below. Lois took a deep breath and pinched her nose. She pitched back at Clark, "You could have told me. I would have understood."

"Men are like that," agreed Catwoman.

"I know. Always trying to protect you from everything." Lois eyed the other woman surreptitiously.

Was it her imagination or did Catwoman get scarier year by year? She'd advanced to leather, metal hardware and cleated boots from the relatively innocuous purple spandex. And no tail. Tails made things very unscary in ways bull-whips did not. Lois tried to see if there were any handcuffs dangling in sight but was frozen by humor-filled eyes protected by gaudy yellow goggles.

Catwoman leaned closer, straight into her personal space. "It's okay to ask, you know."

Lois tried to edge away. She met all sorts due to her relationship with Superman, including every variety of vampy super-villainess that existed. They usually tried to kill her and they didn't usually have quite so many distinct muscles. Catwoman was breathing on her neck.

"Selina," growled Batman, "stop that."

"Aww, c'mon. It's Lois. It's my job to terrorize her."

Lois craned around in time to see Batman mouth a silent "no" of warning, Catwoman flash a thousand-watt smile, and to feel a firm shove. She toppled over the ledge, into thin air, with a squeak. Oh, great.

Clark caught her, of course, returning to the rooftop before anyone saw a mild-mannered reporter hovering twenty stories above ground. Straightening her clothes, brushing back her hair, Lois smiled in satisfaction.

Batman had Catwoman by the arm, twisted behind her back, and her scruff, holding her off the ground. It looked like he was trying to shake her, but that might have just been the way Catwoman kept twisting around to try and kick him, laughing like an idiot the entire time.

"Clark, do you have my purse?"

"Right here."

She took the handbag, checking its contents. Good. Lois walked up to Batman and Catwoman ceased struggling temporarily.

"What?"

"This bag has a camera in it. A full size, steel frame, well-engineered traditional camera."

"And?"

Lois smiled politely, then swung the purse at full speed, cracking Catwoman on the head. "And-"

"Ow! Fuck!"

Batman dropped her and backed away to a safe distance.

Lois kept swinging the purse as Catwoman fell down and staggered in confusion, trying to cover her head. "And, there is a quota." Thump. "On dropping me off buildings." Thump. "Once per year." Thump. "Per villain."

Thump. Thump. Thump.

"Ow, stop," wailed Catwoman. "That hurts!"

"I told you to wear a helmet," chimed in Batman, from the peanut gallery.

"I am." Still cradling her skull, Catwoman slunk away from Lois. "Hurts."

"Yeah. I probably broke my camera." She removed it from the purse and noted a shattered lense as several small metal bits fell loose. "You owe me a new one."

"Fine."

"Oh God. She's not going to sulk, is she?" Villains weren't supposed to sulk with pitiful wide-eyed shock like, like... "Damn. No wonder you can't handle her."

"I don't sulk."

"Yes, you do."

"You sulk worse," Catwoman grouched.

Batman looked ready to argue when Clark confirmed, "You do sulk worse."

Batman sulked, creeping back to hide in a shadow.

"Oh, for pity's sake." Lois sat down on the concrete, next to Catwoman, leaning against the stairwell port. "Want a granola bar?"

"No. Already had dinner." Selina pulled back her goggles, then yanked off the cowl. She poked gingerly through her hair, looked at her gloved finger tips and scowled at Lois.

"What? You're supposed to be a tough guy."

Selina wiped her glove against Lois' beige wool suit. It left a blood stains.

Lois sighed. "That's not going to come out."

"So now we're even."

"Even? Even! You already pushed me out a window earlier this year.

"That was his idea," retorted Selina, pointing at the still hiding bat-shape.

"Oh yeah? Well what about that time you kidnapped me at LexCorp?"

"You agreed to that. Do you have a tissue?"

Lois handed her a tissue, which Selina pushed against the invisible gash on her scalp. She was beginning to feel a bit guilty about that.

Suddenly, Clark was standing in front of them. "You agreed to that?" He sounded upset.

"You didn't tell him?"

"Well, I," Lois shrugged, "didn't want to ruin your reputation."

"Tell him what?" A black cape joined their field of vision.

There was no help for it now. "You don't mind, do you?"

"No, go ahead. My reputations in shreds these days anyway."

"Lex hired her to steal from his own company so he could build something in secret. She didn't want to do it but you know how Lex is when people try to say 'no' to him. So when she saw us on the security camera, she came back, in tripped the alarm and kidnapped me."

Clark closed his eyes. "So I would come rescue you and screw up the entire heist."

"Mm hm," confirmed Selina.

"Did you know that was her plan?" Clark asked Batman.

"No, but I knew she wouldn't trip a basic infrared alarm by accident."

"So you knew. Well, at least now I know why you didn't bother chasing her after I, um, dropped her." Clark narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms at Lois. "Did you give her permission to do that too?"

"Well..."

"What about my permission?"

Selina made a mou. "You're Superman. You could have stopped me."

"She has a point," said Lois and Batman at the same time. They stared at each other and Lois could swear he blushed for a second.

Clark grabbed him by the arm, shuffling him off. Lois watched as the two men hissed in argument, with the occasional hand gesture. She shook her head.

"They're so sweet together, aren't they?"

She nearly pulled a muscle jerking to stare at Selina. "What?"

"Er, was I not supposed to mention that?"

"Mention what?"

Selina waved vaguely at the two men, still threatening each other from mere inches apart. "You know..." She paused, cocking her head with a smile. "C'mon, it's me. I'm not the judgmental sort." She balled up the tissue. "And sorry if I made you jealous."

"I'm not... They're not..." Lois sighed dramatically. "Look, I haven't caught them yet. That's good enough for me."

"Not the least bit interested? C'mon, I've seen you around Bruce," Selina continued to tease.

Lois drew back. "Doesn't that bother you? How can you stand all those, those, you know."

"Lois, dear, if there's one thing life has taught me is that sex and fidelity have nothing to do with each other."

Just for that moment, she saw Catwoman lurking behind Selina's eyes and it was more alien than her entire costume. "How can you say that. Clark and I -"

"Are special." Selina stood, replacing her cowl and goggles.

"Where are you going?"

"Home. The boys have left."

"What do you mean they... They left me here with you? You!"

"Either they trust me or they went to fetch some condoms."

Lois clapped her hands over her ears and looked at Catwoman pointedly.

Catwoman held out her hands placatingly, until Lois dared to listen again. She smiled that shit eating grin again. "Want to come by my place for some coffee?"

Lois looked to her right, to her left and over her shoulder. Her options were a ledge, a ventilation shaft or another ledge. Forward was not an option. She took a deep breath, screamed and jumped off the roof. She saw Catwoman wave a cheerful good-bye as Superman flew Lois out of Gotham and away from its special brand of crazy people.