Title: Coffee Break: Gossip
Characters: Selina Kyle, Lois Lane, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne.
Summary: The boys leave Lois at Selina's apartment, right after "Swingers".
Warning: Half silly, half not.
Spoilers: Just semi-recent events in general.
Acknowledgment: Livejournal user "brownbetty" for the beta.
Disclaimer: All characters © DC Comics.

"I can't believe he left me with you." Lois attempted to straighten her clothing from her hectic journey across Gotham's rooftops back to Selina's apartment. The nerve of those two men, flying off and leaving her with Catwoman on some random high-rise.

"You didn't think you guys would go straight home after making a trip all the way to meet with Batman, did you?"

"I was kind of hoping he would take me home, first, yes."

"I got the impression you tagged along, on purpose."

"I did, but you weren't part of the game plan."

"Ah. I get it. You wanted to be left loose in Gotham while the boys went villain hunting." Catwoman made a cocked-gun gesture. "Gotcha."

Lois held her face. "I can't believe they're using you, of all people, to baby-sit me.

"The best part was your expression when Superman dumped you back on the roof and zipped off after Batman," Selina taunted mercilessly. She unlatched the sky-light window, hopping down through it. Lois followed cautiously through the sky-light.

"Yeah, I bet that was hysterical." She found herself in a tastefully furnished, if a bit Spartan, penthouse. "You know what else I can't believe?"

"Hm?"

"That Batman told you who Superman really is."

"Oh, that." Selina's face took on a shade of consternation. "He didn't. You remember that thing where I kidnapped you to break Superman out of Ivy's grip?"

"How could I forget?"

"Bruce told me there were three people in the Globe office Superman cared about but I've never seen footage of him rescuing Clark Kent. You obviously care for Clark and with the way Bruce had revealed his identity and we've always been friends ..."

"Woman's intution?"

"Something like that. I go to sleep on it and wake up knowing the answer." Selina tapped the side of her head and shrugged. "Besides, they look the same."

"Mrp!" A small black cat sat at her feet.

Catwoman scooped her up, putting the cat on her shoulder and purring filled the room. When Lois held out her fingers, she received a drawn, baleful withdrawal.

"You smell like dog," she explained.

"Oh. Right." Lois pocketed her hands, unsure of her welcome. "Next you'll tell me you knew Batman was Bruce."

"Can't say I was surprised," Catwoman retorted mildly. "He always did keep funny evening hours."

"And you kept that a secret?" Lois asked dryly, doing her best not to let her patent disbelief show.

"Don't believe me, huh?"

"I can't believe you wouldn't have used that information."

"And I can't believe he never told the cops who I was or where I lived."

Lois fell silent, because that was the million dollar question. What fueled their long-standing truce?

The cat batted at Catwoman's goggles, craning in close to sniff at the steel frames. Selina pushed them up, switching to unbuckle her aviator's cap. The purring increased in volume and several other cats crowded the room.

Lois counted four... no, five. That wasn't too bad, not the freakish menagerie she'd expected. Okay. She could make do, even if she was trapped in an apartment without someone less-than-a-friend, with nothing to do when she was already wide-awake.

Selina finally turned on the overhead light. "Sorry. I'm used to the dark. Sit down." She pointed at a living room chair and headed towards the kitchen. "Coffee will be up in a bit. I need a shower so pour for yourself," she planted a cup decorated with planets and stars in front of Lois, "if it's done before I am."

Pushed off Selina's shoulders, the black cat wandered over to Lois and sniffed at her legs.

"Hey, sweetie."

The cat hissed, backing away.

"Well, be that way. I'll pass on your regards to Krypto." She heard the shower commence, and looked around the apartment. The only other sound at this time in the morning was the subtle hiss of the coffee-maker. Even the other four cats were eerily silent, staring at her blankly. The exterior door, covered in identifying locks, was to her right.

A much larger black and white cat jumped in her lap, sat down for a moment and started to chew on her purse strap. She shoved it off, stood hastily and headed it for the door. To hell with men and their good intentions.

That was how she found herself in the middle of the East Side ghetto at the wrong time of night. It wasn't that she didn't know the way back, she had no trouble following street signs what with basic reading comprehension and all that, but her camera still worked. You could always tell good workmanship in how well a technological device handled being used as a club.

To her side, on a graffitied bench, a heap of newspapers and trashed shifted position. Walking swiftly to keep warm, she kept her eyes roving the terrain. A lifetime of reporting around the world had taught her the difference between reckless and investigative. She wasn't about to fall prey to Gotham's chart-topping statistics.

Up ahead, under a lit street lamp, she could see a police officer advancing on a young woman. She wore a short white skirt, pink tube-top and half-jacket. Ducking her head, she kept backing straight into an alley, the beat cop never pausing in his pursuit.

Lois broke into a run, unbuckling the camera bag as she went. She dropped into a quiet walk in the last few yards, hugging the wall. Checking the camera settings for aperture and shutter speed from memory, she took a breath. She could hear a panicked whisper, sliding cloth and something she guessed was a billy club. This was the sort of self-centered corruption for which Gotham was known. Sometimes all it took was showing people the image of truth to stop crime.

Leveling the camera, she pivoted to face the alley, found her target and shot.

Blinded for a moment by the flash, the cop froze, one hand at his waist, the other holding the club. The young prostitute was faster, going from her knees to the wall like a startled animal. In the following darkness, Lois couldn't see the man's face go from ape-like astonishment to rage, but she didn't need to guess.

"Run!" Lois shouldered the camera, waving at the girl. There wasn't much time and she wasn't moving, now. She knew basic defense, but this was a trained officer with a weapon and getting arrested for assault wasn't high on his list of favorite things to do. Peripherally, she noticed the cop was faster than she expected.

The club hit her right above the eye, on her forehead.

"Damnit," a woman's voice hissed.

Lois held her head, gasping over the sound of a brief but violent exchange. The sound of human flesh impacting on concrete, the expulsion of air and wet sounds of bodily fluids.

"Here." Selina's voice followed by the soft tap of... of...

Lois squinted blearily. The girl she'd clumsily rescued was holding a wallet, smiling. The cop lay face down on the sidewalk.

"C'mon." Selina grabbed Lois under her arms, none too gently, and Lois took over to stand the rest of the way.

"I'm fine."

A hand grabbed her shoulder, to redirect her progress.

"Then look where you're going." Selina pulled up beside her to check the wound, frowning. "Get moving."

Lois dabbed at her forehead with her tissue, now a glorious mix of old crusty blood and new fresh blood. Selina's attitude was brisk, her hair wet enough to drip down her neck.

"How'd you find me so quickly?"

"Bug."

She closed her eyes and folded the tissue into a neat square. "I'm that predictable?"

"Yes." Selina punched open the apartment complex doors, pushed through and jabbed at the elevator button.

"I didn't mean to cause you trouble but I -"

"It's over. Done. You're safe. I figure we're even."

"And you're not angry?"

"If I stayed angry at everything, I'd be in Arkham by now." Selina's shoulders dropped from their hard line and she smiled vaguely. "Don't do that again, okay?"

Lois blinked. It wasn't anger but an anxiety attack? Catwoman wasn't a proper villain at all, going by this rate. "Look, it's nothing personal but I get so sick of 'not causing trouble' and then they put you on me and -"

"It's okay." Wry smile in place, Selina exited the elevator. "I understand. Lived with Batman since forever. I get the 'rules' thing."

Lois jogged to catch up, craning her head to face the other woman. "Lived with Batman?"

Selina covered her eyes with her fingers, laughing. "Not literally. Geez, you really buy into those rumors?" She shook her head. "I mean in Gotham. It's my home, you know?"

"Uh huh." Lois processed the verbal slip, checked it against the long standing rumors about Batman and Catwoman, the JLA and JSA's policy to never pursue her regardless of her location, the known tendency of other villains to treat her as an enemy, her perpetual freedom and didn't say anything further on that subject.

Eyes lidded, Selina drawled, "What?" She held open her apartment door, pointing inside.

"So he did let you stay."

"I would have regardless of his orders and demands."

"In Blackgate." Lois smiled when Selina didn't automatically counter that reply, heading instead for the coffee pot.

"It wouldn't have done him any good."

"Oh yeah," Lois broke into a laugh. "I heard you caused a riot the one time you ended up there."

Selina craned around, to hand Lois an ice-pack. "I didn't cause anything. I was trying to eat my dinner."

"The entire jail just magically rioted on its own?"

"Pretty much."

"Rules spontaneously break around you?"

"It's a black cat thing."

"Uh huh." She put down her camera bag. "And does he tell you 'don't do that', 'don't go there', 'don't run off and get into trouble', 'think ahead'..."

Selina picked up on, "... 'don't touch that', 'put it down', 'get off of me'."

They chimed in together, " 'I know what I'm doing!' "

There was a soft, continous scraping noise enmating from the hallway and the black and white cat trotted into view, dragging Catwoman's whip in a long trail.

"Bubbles," Selina warned in a disapproving voice.

The cat pointed one ear in her direction, never pausing. Selina swung out after him, the cat dropped the whip and took off to hide behind the sofa. She didn't bother with him, only picked up the whip to hide it in the hallway closet, then returned to the kitchen grinning widely.

Lois grabbed up the mug left on the table for her and walked to the glass patio doors to dodge the unexpected sense of familiarity. This was Catwoman, not her best friend. Out the doors was a partial view of the streets below, past the brick balcony, but she doubted that mattered. From being around Clark, around members of the Justice League, sometimes Bruce and his apprentices, she knew the East Side of Gotham was the most impoverished and decayed sector.

The trouble with being a reporter was that it was very much like being a detective. Lois couldn't help but notice the expensive clothes and furnishings and formulate, which lead to questions. She frowned into her coffee.

"What?"

"Hm?"

"You've been watching me and glaring at your coffee. I know it's not bad, because I'm drinking some, which means you've got something on your mind."

Lois cocked her head, tried to bite her tongue and failed. "Why do you live here if you can afford all this?"

There was nothing like being straightforward to test a person's boundaries and make oneself unwelcome enough to leave freely. Unfortunately, to her credit, Selina never paused in her self-occupying industriousness. She didn't look up either, or say a word.

Lois nodded in resignation and returned to window-gazing. So, no easy escape.

"I grew up here."

The simple reply was loaded with information that her brain immediately dissected. Earlier Selina had said 'Gotham' so now she meant here, on the streets walked by crooked cops and teenage girls. Lois almost followed with a question about her family, but there was no need, the empty tone of the answer telling her there were none.

She shifted uncomfortably and touched the contusion on her forehead. The statistics weren't good for orphaned girls in large cities. When she lost focus of the window, the city beyond blurred into dark shapes punctuated by neon lights that made her think of Bangkok.

"I know what you're thinking," came the low, almost snide, taunt.

"No you don't."

"What's a girl like me doing with a boy like him?"

"Well, I hope this doesn't mean I fail your test, but all the stories about you say you're one of those bad girl types," Lois stepped away from the doors to sit down again. Except now, she knew that Selina had been far more of a bad girl than any of those wannabes, that Catwoman wasn't faking anything. Which meant it wasn't a joke and all those jibes Clark related to her took on a cruel edge.

"But I am. Haven't you heard?" Selina stared coldly through the kitchen alcove.

"Oh yeah, I've heard lots of things about you. That you're a femme fatale who incapacitates the hero by draping all over him and whispering in his ear, and putting out in general. That you're a government spy. That you're working for Luthor. That you're working for Batman. That you and him have a secret love child."

Her strategy worked and Selina's facade broke into a snort of laughter. "Um, no."

"Yet."

"Very funny." Selina ducked her head and pointed the knife at her, grinning. "So I've blown my cover?"

"Totally." Lois held up her hands. "The worst part is that it works, every time. You have any idea how many times I've watched one of them do that to Clark?"

"Mm hm."

"I've offended you, haven't I?"

"No, it's all right. That is one of my, em, techniques because men are stupid and it does work, but you're not giving Bruce enough credit."

Lois cocked her head, narrowing one eye. "I smell a story."

"And if it ends up on the front lines, so will you."

"Spill."

"I'm not saying it didn't work at all, but the man isn't lead by his cock, all right? Otherwise, Ivy would have iced him long ago. Let's just say he learns from experience and does whatever works."

"We all know that. C'mon, you can't leave it at that."

"You're a gossip."

"Sure. That's why the entire world knows Clark Kent is Superman." She made a moue. "This place isn't bugged, is it?"

"Only Oracle. And Bruce."

"He has cameras in your apartment?"

Selina sniffed, failing to conceal a smirk. "I think it's related to his habit of lifting the security tapes from my heists."

"Sure, but that makes sense. Figure out your modus operandi."

"The completely irrelevant bits where I wriggle around in the ventilation shaft?"

Lois spit coffee all over the table, covered her mouth and grabbed at her napkin. She dabbed at her lips. "Now you're trying to distract me. Give over. What part of super-villainess drapes herself on the male hero have I got wrong?"

Selina sighed loudly. "Embarrassing fact number one: he doesn't like to hit me and, of course, I take advantage of that."

"Isn't hitting and scaring people how he gets information?"

"Mm."

"I take it you weren't scared of him, either?"

"In my experience, men in funny costumes want to be whipped and call you mistress." Selina grinned widely, for a moment. "I've got a bit of an edge, there."

Lois glanced away in case there was any flicker across her face. She wondered how Selina could joke about that. "And women in funny costumes?"

"Ah. Well." Selina faltered, her smile fading. "That." She scratched the side of her nose with her thumb, still holding the knife. "He liked to pin me against walls."

Lois balked, shaking her head. "You mean he twisted your arm behind your back to keep you from fighting, right?"

"That too but there was this one time when he managed to get me spread eagle, front and center, over a roof-top ventilation shaft. You know, those "L" shaped ones?" Selina mimed the curve in the air and Lois nodded. "No leverage at all, had my wrists behind my back, laughing my ass off, of course. He waits until I stop struggling, then smiles sweetly and I realize he's wearing a cup."

"No," whispered Lois.

"Yes."

"No way. Batman wouldn't..."

Selina raised her eyebrows, a smile obvious behind her firmly shut lips.

"Yes, yes, oh, yes?"

Selina bit her lip and pointed the knife at the ceiling, pantomiming. "What are you doing? Where were you going? What are you planning? Don't lie to me. Answer the question. Thank god for that cape."

Lois was hunched over her knees, holding her stomach, shaking in silent laughter. She looked up, trying to keep a straight face. "Amen for capes." She heard Selina chuckle.

"I've always wondered about that. I mean, don't you get cold up there?"

"Sometimes. Not if you stay busy." Lois sat back, resting her chin on the junction of her thumb and index finger. "So, what you're saying is that Batman's a vamp."

Putting a hand to chest in mock horror, Selina winced at the pun, "You're dangerous with those things." She rinsed off the knife. "For the record, he has never sucked my blood but he did pin me in front of Robin once."

"It's good to know some of the rumors are true."

"The ones about me, him and rooftop sex?" Selina's smile became wry. "Sorry to disappoint."

"But you said-"

"He left as soon as he had the answers he wanted. It wasn't... it wasn't serious."

Lois huffed, "That asshole. Clark always finishes what he starts."

Selina shrugged one shoulder. "He was just being a vamp and doing it back. Fair's fair, I guess but frankly, I'm surprised he understood any of what I said."

"Hm." Lois bit back the suggestion that maybe he hadn't, that Batman had left for an entirely different reason.

"What? No joke about scarring little boys?"

"Oh, I'm sure he was fine. Dick has always seemed like the adaptable sort. I was thinking that you must like him a lot to put up with that sort of thing."

Selina's expression became tight, guarded. "He's a good man. This city would be worse off without him but -"

"He's difficult to love?"

"He's easy to love. I don't know many good men - and I've known a lot - but I can't trust him. A friend guards your back, even if they think you're wrong, but he needs people to do things his way and all this is only a coincidence. We're just taking a vacation from fighting."

"I don't mean to interrupt your pity trip, but everyone in the JLA knows you two aren't enemies. You're practically a litmus test of villainy." Lois aped a two-way conversation. " 'So, I have a new villain.' 'Oh, really? like Luthor or like Catwoman'?" Selina blinked at her and she realized the joke had fallen flat

"Pity trip?" Selina leaned through the alcove. "Let me explain something to you. Next month, next week, maybe tomorrow, I'll do something he can't understand or accept. He'll try to take away my freedom. I'll need to protect myself from him and we'll both go home with bruises and broken bones because deep down inside, when I do something different than him, he thinks I'm a bad person. He can't help it."

"If he thought that you'd have been in jail years ago."

"Then maybe he doesn't trust me either. All I know is we can't stop fighting. There's something wrong with this world if people need to break laws to get by but to him that's just criminal. I don't think we'll ever agree about that."

"I'm not going to tell you to do things his way, but you could compromise. Or," Lois brought the empty coffee mug over to the alcove to deposit on the counter, "you could notice that you already have."

"This is temporary, at best."

"Fine. Would you say Bruce is a good detective?"

"Playing investigative reporter, again?"

"Is that okay?"

"Only because -"

"I'm married to Superman."

"Mm."

"So, would you agree that he knows you haven't magically converted to his way of thinking? That you're still doing things your way and," she pointed at the bruise on her forehead, "and beating up cops?"

"Probably." A large, fluffy tabby jumped up onto the counter and Selina petted it, absently, sipping from her still full cup.

"Okay. So why does he give you nearly a third of the city?"

Selina fumbled with the cup.

Lois didn't dare step out of the living room and into the kitchen. "Because most men only give a ring."

Face twisting, Selina finally met her eyes. "It's not like that. It's expediency. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away and all that jazz."

Lois chewed on her lip, venturing into unknown territory. There were things about these two the JLA and her husband obviously didn't know. Things about ownership and control. "What if he doesn't? What if, no matter what you do -"

"That's enough," she hissed.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not angry."

Lois looked at Selina's hand, fisted so tightly the knuckles were white. "Okay."

"Are we interrupting something?" Superman touched down on the floor, red boots on beige carpet, without a sound. Batman followed through the patio doors, tripping over two cats who had promptly rubbed against his legs.

"No."

"What happened to you?" Superman stared at Lois.

"Unfortunate incident with the coffee table."

Batman, having watched Selina's reaction to that statement, jerked his head toward Lois, then back at Selina. He peeled off his cowl. "Any trouble?"

She put one hand over the other, as if hiding something. "I didn't expect you."

"It made more sense to come back here than go back to Bristol."

"Sure." Selina nodded, slightly toward Lois and Clark. "The old married couple leaving soon?"

The other two were bent in quiet conversation. Superman said something with a small grin, Lois covered her mouth and then put a finger to her lips, shaking her head.

Bruce smiled faintly, craning his head awkwardly to try and escape well-meant chin-grooming from Bernard the fluffy tabby. "She can be a handful." He pushed the cat away, to no avail.

"She's a gossip," growled Selina.

Bruce unhooked his cape, draping it across her counter. "Sometimes."