** Ok people, sorry about the wait but here it is! Finally! I've been busy
working on another fic so it`s taken a while, sorry bout the wait but I
hope it was worth it! A mysterious visitor in this chapter, any guesses
towards who it is? Lemme know wot u think k? **
=) ENJOY!
As I stepped into my room the smell hit me like so many unshed tears, the strong pungent odour of sea salt and beach flooding my room like an unbridled tidal wave heading straight for me.
I gulped, swallowing back the fresh batch of tears I felt brewing in my eyes. It was obvious from the open window that Jesse wouldn't be making an appearance anytime soon and I knew precisely why.
Because he'd kissed me.
That was it, as simple as that. He kissed me and regretted it so he'd just gone and dematerialised on me - leaving me to stew for a couple of days until Id forget about it.
Trouble is, I never would. Forget it I mean.
Just like the last two times he'd kissed me it was burnt into my brain, indented in my mind for all eternity. Just as I was thinking this, the eternity part I mean, an image of Madame Zara pooped into my head - she had told me I was a mediator (and of course, she was right) but then, she had also said I would have one love that would last for all time.
For all eternity.
And this was the part that bothered me right about then.
Of course, if she was in fact right about it, and I had no reason to doubt her, then I knew fine well who that one love was..
I started crying again. Uncontrollably.
I made a dive for my bed, clambering onto my mattress as if it was my only means of survival; my body hit it hard. Vibrations shuddered through the pink satin blankets as I crawled underneath of them, tears spilling over my lids onto the soft material, staining it with memories.
As I buried my face into the pillows images flooded my mind - New York, Gina, my new family..mom, dad.
Jesse.
That's where my mind seemed to stick, replaying scenes with him over and over again. The many times he'd told me how much I suck at being a mediator, the several situations he'd helped me out of, the time he touched my face in the hospital..
The kisses.
They were always so sweet and tender, his lips against mine would wash away all worries I had and just take me into a world where everything was perfect, I was happy. Me and Jesse were together. But as soon as he pulled back the World would start up again, knowing we would never be together because he didn't love me.
The tears trickled down my raw cheeks, burning me with such a fierce intensity that I had the urge to scream.
To scream loud, blowing all boundaries of love-hate with my shrill voice echoing through the room.
Instead, I bit my bottom lip, keeping the pain locked inside, bubbling furiously in the pit of my stomach.
The day passed without even one `Are you ok` visit from Jesse, although I did get lots of cake and ice-cream from my mom and Andy, who apparently - according to Doc - were really worried about me.
They didn't have the right to get all emotional! They weren't the ones who could lose the only person they would ever love!
Thinking about this only made the tears stronger, dripping frantically onto my pillow creating a small stream flowing through the pink satin. I wrapped my arms tightly around the back of the cushion, gripping it with such a force I felt my fingers going numb.
Who cares though? I thought to myself, who cares?
I felt something rough brush against the back of my hand, spiked tips digging into my flesh. I flinched.
I unclasped my hands and dug around for the offending item, my fingers traced over the soft linen of the blanket and eventually rested on what felt like a photograph or a card of some sort. Pulling it out from under the satin I blinked, more tears gathering in my already full eyes as I stared aimlessly into the depths of it.
Jesse's miniature.
Tears dripped onto it's shiny surface, trailing over the dark handsome smiling blissfully, leaving long trains of rainbow colours as the tears drifted off the edges. It looked blurry, all the different shades of black and white twirling together like an old-time classical symphony - the beautiful smile focused intently on me as I held the photo to my face, crying into it like that's as close as Id ever get to the real thing.
I pretty much stayed there the whole weekend, pathetic - I know. Several things crossed my mind as I lay there, dwelling in my own self-pity:
1 - Yeah Paul is back, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to mediate Jesse 2 - I'm a mediator, shifter or whatever Paul said I was too - I have the same powers he does. I could stop him. 3 - He's not getting Jesse 4 - He's not getting Jesse 5 - He is not getting Jesse!
Sadly enough, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing I could do about it - whatever "it" was. The simple reason being, that for everything good point I came up with, I also came up with about 10 bad to match it. Although I did realise one thing, through all the tears, pain etc.
Before he left, I had to tell Jesse I loved him.
If I didn't, Id probably spend the rest of my life regretting it..
No matter how long that life would be.
But, of course, thinking about telling him and actually telling him were two different things completely. If I just thought about telling him, in my mind I could also think up what he'd do in response - picking me up in his strong arms, carrying me over to my bed, lying me down and kissing me..over and over again until my lips got all sore and puffy.
I sighed, knowing, of course, that when- and if - I told him it wouldn't go like that. He'd probably just laugh at me for being so stupid or he'd tell me sorry, but he didn't feel the same way.
Yeah, the kiss in the graveyard was great and all but I hardly think it was an admission of love! I mean, since then, Jesse hasn't even mentioned it.
I was glad I had no `visitors` that weekend, no ghosts, if I did they would probably just have been told to come back Monday or some other weird work- orientated cliché. Father Dom didn't even bother me, he obviously knew better than that after I started sobbing down the phone before hanging up on him.
Poor guy, Id have to apologise for that when I saw him..
Which was the next day, Monday - at school. The conversation went pretty much like this:
Me: Father Dom, I'm sorry about crying and hanging up on you but I was a little upset about J - everything.
Father Dom: It's ok Susannah, I know how you feel about Jesse and although I don't think it's very healthy, I am not just going to tell you to get over it. I forgive you.
Me: Thanks Father Dom, Id better get to class now
Father Dom: Yes of course, you don't want to be late. Goodbye Susannah.
Of course, that is not how it went. I was just making that part up. If it had gone like that, it would've been a lot easier and lot less confusing..
This is what really happened:
~*Walking along the silent halls towards homeroom Father Dom approached me, I could sense him from a couple of feet away, the odour of purity echoing around him like an invisible aura.
"Susannah, can I talk to you?" he asked, turning around I saw him gesturing to his office. Grudgingly, I followed him - I didn't really want to talk about what I was sure he had in mind. I knew I`d start crying again, it had taken all of my will-power to get me to stop and get to school without embarrassing myself by bursting into a hysterical weeping fit in front of everyone.
In the office I sat down, the small chair squishy under my weight. Father Dom took the seat around the other side of the desk, and sighing, he began.
"Susannah I `m sure you know what I wanted to talk to you about?" He asked, his voice gentle and smoked with streams of concern flowing in his tone.
I nodded my head, unsure of speech - it sometimes had a way of turning itself on me and causing trouble.
"So you'll know that I'm about to tell you that falling in love with Jesse is just going to present more problems don't you?" I gasped, my eyes went wide at this point - like cartoon characters I swear, I was expecting him to say a lot of things, about my mediating skills and how we could beat Paul at his own game blah blah blah
But this?
This I wasn't expecting.
"What!?" I couldn't help but scream, a gentle flush working its way up from my neck. Father Dom gave me a knowledgeable look, you know they type, where the person just looks at you and you know that they know.
"Susannah, I heard how you were crying over him on the telephone and I know that it's because you are falling in love with him and I'm not telling you to grow up and get over your feelings, I'm just saying that if you allow yourself to get involved then it'll be harder for you when he does finally move on." he leaned forward in his desk, looking me right in the eyes, "which could be soon" he warned, those ever so familiar tears began creeping back into my eyes and before I could stop it I was blaring like a little baby.
Father Dom stood up abruptly and came to stand by my side, leaning down he patted me on the head like you would, say.a dog! It was obvious that he hadn't dealt with women in a long time.
"Susannah, I'm going to allow you permission to go home ok? You need to think this over and find out a way to fix things.." Father Dom murmured.
Fix things?! I felt like yelling, Fix things!? What needs to be fixed? I can't just stop having these feelings for Jesse! And plus, what if I don't want to? What if I want to love him... what if I want... *~
That's pretty much all I remember of that, the next thing I know is that I was at home - tucked back up in bed crying to Jesse's photo.
Sometime during all the tears I fell asleep, I know this because I distinctively remember the scream that awakened me. It was harsh, shrill and quite girlish.
Damn it, I thought to myself as I slowly let my eyes flicker open, can`t a girl wallow in peace any more?
As my eyes started to focus I saw the source of the noise, a woman was standing just over me.
"Hello Susannah" she said mockingly, ruby red lips forming a gentle smirk on her face, "So we meet again"
"Shit"
**hmm.who ever could it be? *G* I know.. Wots ur guess folks? Ull find out in the nxt chapter, juts be sure to review and ill post the update soon! Love ya all, thnx for all ur support! Shud this fic continue?**
=) ENJOY!
As I stepped into my room the smell hit me like so many unshed tears, the strong pungent odour of sea salt and beach flooding my room like an unbridled tidal wave heading straight for me.
I gulped, swallowing back the fresh batch of tears I felt brewing in my eyes. It was obvious from the open window that Jesse wouldn't be making an appearance anytime soon and I knew precisely why.
Because he'd kissed me.
That was it, as simple as that. He kissed me and regretted it so he'd just gone and dematerialised on me - leaving me to stew for a couple of days until Id forget about it.
Trouble is, I never would. Forget it I mean.
Just like the last two times he'd kissed me it was burnt into my brain, indented in my mind for all eternity. Just as I was thinking this, the eternity part I mean, an image of Madame Zara pooped into my head - she had told me I was a mediator (and of course, she was right) but then, she had also said I would have one love that would last for all time.
For all eternity.
And this was the part that bothered me right about then.
Of course, if she was in fact right about it, and I had no reason to doubt her, then I knew fine well who that one love was..
I started crying again. Uncontrollably.
I made a dive for my bed, clambering onto my mattress as if it was my only means of survival; my body hit it hard. Vibrations shuddered through the pink satin blankets as I crawled underneath of them, tears spilling over my lids onto the soft material, staining it with memories.
As I buried my face into the pillows images flooded my mind - New York, Gina, my new family..mom, dad.
Jesse.
That's where my mind seemed to stick, replaying scenes with him over and over again. The many times he'd told me how much I suck at being a mediator, the several situations he'd helped me out of, the time he touched my face in the hospital..
The kisses.
They were always so sweet and tender, his lips against mine would wash away all worries I had and just take me into a world where everything was perfect, I was happy. Me and Jesse were together. But as soon as he pulled back the World would start up again, knowing we would never be together because he didn't love me.
The tears trickled down my raw cheeks, burning me with such a fierce intensity that I had the urge to scream.
To scream loud, blowing all boundaries of love-hate with my shrill voice echoing through the room.
Instead, I bit my bottom lip, keeping the pain locked inside, bubbling furiously in the pit of my stomach.
The day passed without even one `Are you ok` visit from Jesse, although I did get lots of cake and ice-cream from my mom and Andy, who apparently - according to Doc - were really worried about me.
They didn't have the right to get all emotional! They weren't the ones who could lose the only person they would ever love!
Thinking about this only made the tears stronger, dripping frantically onto my pillow creating a small stream flowing through the pink satin. I wrapped my arms tightly around the back of the cushion, gripping it with such a force I felt my fingers going numb.
Who cares though? I thought to myself, who cares?
I felt something rough brush against the back of my hand, spiked tips digging into my flesh. I flinched.
I unclasped my hands and dug around for the offending item, my fingers traced over the soft linen of the blanket and eventually rested on what felt like a photograph or a card of some sort. Pulling it out from under the satin I blinked, more tears gathering in my already full eyes as I stared aimlessly into the depths of it.
Jesse's miniature.
Tears dripped onto it's shiny surface, trailing over the dark handsome smiling blissfully, leaving long trains of rainbow colours as the tears drifted off the edges. It looked blurry, all the different shades of black and white twirling together like an old-time classical symphony - the beautiful smile focused intently on me as I held the photo to my face, crying into it like that's as close as Id ever get to the real thing.
I pretty much stayed there the whole weekend, pathetic - I know. Several things crossed my mind as I lay there, dwelling in my own self-pity:
1 - Yeah Paul is back, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to mediate Jesse 2 - I'm a mediator, shifter or whatever Paul said I was too - I have the same powers he does. I could stop him. 3 - He's not getting Jesse 4 - He's not getting Jesse 5 - He is not getting Jesse!
Sadly enough, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing I could do about it - whatever "it" was. The simple reason being, that for everything good point I came up with, I also came up with about 10 bad to match it. Although I did realise one thing, through all the tears, pain etc.
Before he left, I had to tell Jesse I loved him.
If I didn't, Id probably spend the rest of my life regretting it..
No matter how long that life would be.
But, of course, thinking about telling him and actually telling him were two different things completely. If I just thought about telling him, in my mind I could also think up what he'd do in response - picking me up in his strong arms, carrying me over to my bed, lying me down and kissing me..over and over again until my lips got all sore and puffy.
I sighed, knowing, of course, that when- and if - I told him it wouldn't go like that. He'd probably just laugh at me for being so stupid or he'd tell me sorry, but he didn't feel the same way.
Yeah, the kiss in the graveyard was great and all but I hardly think it was an admission of love! I mean, since then, Jesse hasn't even mentioned it.
I was glad I had no `visitors` that weekend, no ghosts, if I did they would probably just have been told to come back Monday or some other weird work- orientated cliché. Father Dom didn't even bother me, he obviously knew better than that after I started sobbing down the phone before hanging up on him.
Poor guy, Id have to apologise for that when I saw him..
Which was the next day, Monday - at school. The conversation went pretty much like this:
Me: Father Dom, I'm sorry about crying and hanging up on you but I was a little upset about J - everything.
Father Dom: It's ok Susannah, I know how you feel about Jesse and although I don't think it's very healthy, I am not just going to tell you to get over it. I forgive you.
Me: Thanks Father Dom, Id better get to class now
Father Dom: Yes of course, you don't want to be late. Goodbye Susannah.
Of course, that is not how it went. I was just making that part up. If it had gone like that, it would've been a lot easier and lot less confusing..
This is what really happened:
~*Walking along the silent halls towards homeroom Father Dom approached me, I could sense him from a couple of feet away, the odour of purity echoing around him like an invisible aura.
"Susannah, can I talk to you?" he asked, turning around I saw him gesturing to his office. Grudgingly, I followed him - I didn't really want to talk about what I was sure he had in mind. I knew I`d start crying again, it had taken all of my will-power to get me to stop and get to school without embarrassing myself by bursting into a hysterical weeping fit in front of everyone.
In the office I sat down, the small chair squishy under my weight. Father Dom took the seat around the other side of the desk, and sighing, he began.
"Susannah I `m sure you know what I wanted to talk to you about?" He asked, his voice gentle and smoked with streams of concern flowing in his tone.
I nodded my head, unsure of speech - it sometimes had a way of turning itself on me and causing trouble.
"So you'll know that I'm about to tell you that falling in love with Jesse is just going to present more problems don't you?" I gasped, my eyes went wide at this point - like cartoon characters I swear, I was expecting him to say a lot of things, about my mediating skills and how we could beat Paul at his own game blah blah blah
But this?
This I wasn't expecting.
"What!?" I couldn't help but scream, a gentle flush working its way up from my neck. Father Dom gave me a knowledgeable look, you know they type, where the person just looks at you and you know that they know.
"Susannah, I heard how you were crying over him on the telephone and I know that it's because you are falling in love with him and I'm not telling you to grow up and get over your feelings, I'm just saying that if you allow yourself to get involved then it'll be harder for you when he does finally move on." he leaned forward in his desk, looking me right in the eyes, "which could be soon" he warned, those ever so familiar tears began creeping back into my eyes and before I could stop it I was blaring like a little baby.
Father Dom stood up abruptly and came to stand by my side, leaning down he patted me on the head like you would, say.a dog! It was obvious that he hadn't dealt with women in a long time.
"Susannah, I'm going to allow you permission to go home ok? You need to think this over and find out a way to fix things.." Father Dom murmured.
Fix things?! I felt like yelling, Fix things!? What needs to be fixed? I can't just stop having these feelings for Jesse! And plus, what if I don't want to? What if I want to love him... what if I want... *~
That's pretty much all I remember of that, the next thing I know is that I was at home - tucked back up in bed crying to Jesse's photo.
Sometime during all the tears I fell asleep, I know this because I distinctively remember the scream that awakened me. It was harsh, shrill and quite girlish.
Damn it, I thought to myself as I slowly let my eyes flicker open, can`t a girl wallow in peace any more?
As my eyes started to focus I saw the source of the noise, a woman was standing just over me.
"Hello Susannah" she said mockingly, ruby red lips forming a gentle smirk on her face, "So we meet again"
"Shit"
**hmm.who ever could it be? *G* I know.. Wots ur guess folks? Ull find out in the nxt chapter, juts be sure to review and ill post the update soon! Love ya all, thnx for all ur support! Shud this fic continue?**