Disclaimer: PetFly owns 'em (lucky dogs), I'm just borrowing them and sticking words in their mouths.
Rating: PG
Summary: Blair fulfills a dare.
Notes: Un-betaed! This is the sequel to my earlier story, "Poopsie" (Be afraid. Be very afraid.), which you must read first if you want this to make any sense whatsoever.

Lumpy's Last Stand
by Flunky Chickenhead

Blair Sandburg strode into the Major Crimes Unit of the Cascade Police Department, greeting his friends and coworkers with smiles and waves before taking a seat next to his partner, Detective Jim Ellison. "Hello, Poopsie," he greeted, planting a big wet one on Jim's cheek.

Jim made a sound halfway between a splutter and a squawk as he leapt away and wiped frantically at his cheek. "Sandburg!"

The other detectives looked on, amused, and Sandburg merely leaned back in his chair with a grin. "Yes?"

Jim shot him a glare that would have stopped the most hardened of criminals in their tracks, petrified with fear, but Blair merely grinned all the wider. Jim gave up on trying to frighten him and simply sat down, resigning himself to the fact that he had lost his touch. (Which, of course, wasn't true, as everyone else within eyeshot of The Glare had nearly wet themselves in terror.) "Nevermind," he muttered, giving his cheek one last swipe. "You're late."

Sandburg shrugged. "Yeah, I got held up at the U. Were you waiting up for me?"

Jim gave him an evil grin. "You bet I was! We have a little dare going, remember?"

Blair rolled his eyes. "Man, how could I forget? Don't worry, I never back down from a dare."

Jim smirked. "This, I have to see."

Blair smirked right back. "You will, 'Poopsie.'"

"Sandburg!" Jim looked around, praying that no one had heard the strange moniker. "Would you please not call me that in public!"

The smirk turned into a full-blown evil grin. "Whyever not, Detective Girdlechunks?"

Inspector Megan Connor, who had been passing at just that moment, paused by Jim's desk and eyed him speculatively, but at Jim's "die-now" glare and Sandburg's bland, innocent smile, she shrugged it off and continued on, assuming she had heard wrong. Jim heaved a sigh of relief. "That's why!"

Sandburg just laughed.

"Ellison! Sandburg! Get in here!" Captain Simon Banks appeared briefly at his office door, bellowed his orders, then vanished again.

Blair turned to his partner and winked. "Showtime!" Then, he headed into the lion's den. "Hi, Simon, how are you?"

"I'm just fine, Blair," Simon answered with exaggerated pleasantness. "And yourself?"

"I'm fine, and you?"

"I'm--" Simon cut himself off with a glare and Jim tried to keep the corners of his mouth from turning up. "Never mind! I've got a new case on which we could use your expertise, Sandburg, so I'm assigning it to you and Jim."

"Me and Jim?" Sandburg repeated, eyes growing wide. "As in I'm the primary?"

"No, you're not the primary, Sandburg, you're not even a cop!"

"Right, sorry, Snotty."

Jim almost laughed out loud before he caught himself. It was only his years of practice at showing no expression whatsoever that allowed him to escape with only a twitch of his lips. Simon, however, reacted quite predictably.

"What did you call me?"

Sandburg looked only slightly chastened. "Sorry, sorry. Captain Toiletpizza."

"Captain--" Simon yanked his unlit cigar from his mouth and slammed his fist down on the desk. "Sandburg!"

Blair jumped, fixing large, confused eyes on the irate captain. "What? You don't want me to call you 'Simon,' you don't want me to call you 'Captain Banks,' what's left?"

"I distinctly heard you call me 'Snotty,' and then 'Captain Toiletpizza'!"

"Captain Toiletpizza?" Blair made a face. "That doesn't make any sense at all, Sim- I mean, Captain Banks. You must have heard me wrong."

Simon turned to Jim for confirmation. "Jim, what did he call me?"

Jim shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, Captain, he's right. Maybe you need a little break, or something." He leaned over and took the files for their new case from Simon's lax fingers, fighting not to smile at the incredulous look in his superior's face. C'mon, Chief, we've got work to do."

Jim exited the office with a slight nod, and Blair followed him, giving their frustrated Captain a smile and wave. "We'll get right on it, Captain Banks," he assured, putting emphasis on the name. Simon just shook his head before lowering it to the desk.

Once out of the office, Jim was no longer able to hold in his grin. "I gotta hand it to you, Lumpy," he admitted, clapping Blair on the shoulder. "I didn't think you'd do it."

Blair shrugged. "I told you I would. Poopsie."

And Jim let out a tortured groan as Detective Henri Brown stopped two feet from their desk, turned back, and looked him up and down with wide eyes. "Poopsie!"

End