Wishing, Wanting, Waiting

"And I thought Luca was big," Liss muttered under her breath, looking down over the city of Bevelle from the temple courtyard.

"An impressive sight," Paine agreed.

"I never get tired of it," said a third voice from behind them. The two women turned to see a light-haired man in formal robes bowing in greeting. "Hello, Paine. It's been too long."

"Isaaru," Paine responded cordially. "Yes, we have a lot to discuss. But first, may I introduce Lissira?"

He reached for Liss's hand, then bowed. "Ah, the daughter of Sir Auron. I am Isaaru, Praetor of New Yevon. It is an extraordinary honor to meet you, milady."

"Likewise," Liss managed to say. Would she ever get used to powerful leaders treating her as an equal?

"May I request a favor?" Paine asked Isaaru. He nodded. "Could you show us to the Hall of Guardians? I've never been there, and there's a painting Liss wants to see."

The Praetor smiled. "I can imagine. Of course; this way, please."

About fifteen minutes later, the trio entered a cavernous dark hall. Isaaru turned up the lanterns, and Liss looked around at the paintings on the walls. Dozens of men and women were represented, all sorts of warriors and mages, each one a legend who had played a part in bringing a Calm.

"There's the portrait you're interested in," said Isaaru, indicating a painting on the opposite wall. Liss slowly walked toward it, her eyes going wider with each step.

It depicted two men standing on the cliffs of the Mi'ihen Highroad. The taller one was wiry and bare-chested but for a tattoo -- Liss recognized the symbol from jewelry worn by both Tidus and Yuna. Unruly brown hair was pushed out of his face by a bandana, and he wore a rakish grin. That must be Sir Jecht, she thought. He leaned on the shoulder of a slightly shorter figure with broad shoulders and a stern expression. The second man was dressed in a brilliant red coat. His hair and eyes were dark; his hands rested on the hilt of a sword stuck into the ground in front of him.

"Wow," Paine whispered. Then she said something else, but Liss was too absorbed in the artwork before her to register the words. She didn't even notice that Paine had left and been replaced by another observer until she heard the newcomer speak.

"Too bad it doesn't really look all that much like them."

She started a little. "Sir Tidus?"

"Hi." He took a place beside her and contemplated the image of their respective fathers standing together. "I asked once; this was painted after Braska's pilgrimage, so there's no way they could have posed for it. The artist must've been working off other people's descriptions. It's a fair interpretation, I guess, but it's not like looking at a sphere or anything."

Liss finally voiced a question that she had been dying to ask Tidus for months. "Do you... do you have any spheres of them?"

"I used to, a long time ago. But I lost them all. I'm sorry -- I wish I could show them to you." He cast her a sympathetic look. "It must be weird, having this famous father that everyone remembers when you never even knew him."

"I'd never thought of it quite like that before," Liss said, "but yes. I love hearing other people's stories about him, but I wish I had some of my own. Something more than 'This scary-looking guy showed up at our house once, and I found out later that he was my dad.'"

"Heh. Yeah." They gazed at the painting for a few minutes more, then Tidus sighed. "Well, gotta get back to the sitting. Rikku's probably going insane with boredom right about now, so I should probably take a turn." He thought for a second. "You know, you really do look quite a bit like Auron. More than this portrait does, anyway. Maybe they could use you as his model for this new painting."

Liss considered this idea. "It might be a little weird, but I'll do it if you think it would help people remember him as he really was."

"C'mon. Let's go ask the artist what she thinks." He lightly slapped her back and lead her out of the room.

Kinoc clambered off the shoopuf and onto the lift, grinning. "That was fun," he said.

"As many times as I've ridden that thing, you'd expect I'd be used to it by now." I looked up at the blue beast. "But you're right. It is fun." I caught my father's eye in the merchant pavilion and waved. He lifted a hand in greeting, then went back to haggling with a customer.

I turned back to Kinoc. "So you've really never been here?"

"Not that I remember. Luca's too far to make the journey to the Farplane really, and we always went by boat when Dad was called back to Bevelle. We might have come this way when we moved from Macalania, but I was barely a year old at the time."

"It's unfortunate that you don't have time to stay for sunset."

He shrugged. "Djose isn't far. I'm sure I'll make it up here at some point. And speaking of Djose..."

"You could at least come have lunch. Kera and Relle both want to meet you, and you haven't lived until you've tried Relle's cooking."

Kinoc shook his head, laughing. "All right, all right. Show me this village of yours."

Soon I was knocking on my sister's front door. Xan answered. "Auron! Why the orange uniform? Wasn't it green before?"

I smiled and saluted. "Lieutenant Auron, at your service. They just promoted me last week."

"Hey, great!" He hugged me briefly, then greeted Kinoc as we walked into the cottage. Relle was humming in the kitchen, and Kera sat in the living room with a baby on her lap. My sister turned and smiled at me. "It's Uncle Auron."

"Hello, Paine," I said, kneeling down on the floor before them, looking at my niece for the first time. She stared back, her dark red eyes wide. I lifted my face up to Kera's, which was beaming. "She's the image of Xan!"

"Isn't she?" Kera kissed the top of her daughter's head. "But she's quiet, like you. Maybe it's hard to tell at only ten months, but she seems so serious already."

I reached around the baby to hug Kera, then patted Paine's hair, which was the same dark silver as her father's. "I'm so happy for all of you." I stood up and introduced Kinoc, then approached Relle. It was an awkward moment -- I wanted very much to take her into my arms and kiss her deeply, but given my vows it seemed inappropriate. She searched my face, similarly uncertain. After a long pause, I finally took her hands and softly kissed her temple. She kissed my cheek in return and squeezed my hands, then dropped them.

"Lunch is almost ready," she said. "How was your journey?"

After the meal, during which Kinoc thoroughly charmed everyone, even the baby, he bid my family farewell. Then he said, "Auron? Can you show me the way back to the main road?"

"Of course," I replied. I followed him out the door.

"So what is it?" I asked after we'd walked quietly for a minute.

"Hmm?"

I shook my head at him. "'Show me the way back'? As if automatically memorizing unfamiliar territory wasn't one of the first lessons they taught us in Bevelle. No, you wanted to get me alone before you left. Out with it."

He grinned. "You know me too well. It's nothing, really, I just wanted to tell you goodbye. I still can't believe they're finally splitting us up."

"Nor can I." I would have two weeks of leave here in the village, then head off to Luca Garrison, where I would be Lead Sword in the Third Squadron. Kinoc had been given a Lead Sword commission as well, but at Djose Temple. For nearly two years now, he had been my bunkmate and closest friend, and I could barely imagine life without him. "I still wonder whether they sent each of us to the other's hometown on purpose."

"Oh, probably. The Maester never does anything without a plan." It was a conversation we'd had before, and he quickly changed the subject. "I think I understand now what it is about you and Arelle. To be honest, I always thought it strange that you were so stubborn about her. But seeing you together..." He stared off into the distance, considering his next words. "There's no doubt that she's beautiful, but there are thousands of pretty girls in Spira, and you could probably have your pick of them." I reddened slightly at this -- it was true that I never lacked for attention from women when we went out into the world. It was gratifying in a way, but I was never comfortable returning any flirtation, both because of my sworn status and because of Relle. Kinoc chuckled and patted his stomach. "And you weren't kidding about her cooking ability! Seriously, though, I saw the way she looked at you over lunch, and the way you looked back. It's the real thing between you, isn't it?"

I glanced at him, then nodded.

He let out a quiet breath. "You're a lucky man, and yet I'm not sure I really envy you. I know how seriously you take your career, not to mention those vows. For your sake, I hope she understands that."

We had reached the main road, and I held a hand out to Kinoc. "Good luck," I said.

"You too, my friend." He clasped my hand, then pulled me into an embrace. "Will you stop by on your way to Luca?"

"Count on it. And give my best to Braska."

"Will do." He turned down the road and walked away.

A few days later, I tipped my chair back from my sister's kitchen table after another fine dinner. Kera and Relle cleaned up in the kitchen while little Paine sat in the corner, chewing thoughtfully on a doll I had brought her from Bevelle. "Do they give you better food now that you're sworn?" Kera asked.

"If only," I answered. "Everyone eats in the same mess hall. The Maester has a personal chef, though, and Gray Squadron was invited to eat with him sometimes. Rumor has it that Luca Garrison has a decent cook these days, so I have hope for better there." I returned my chair's legs to the ground and stretched with a groan; I'd spent the last few days helping Xan build a house, and my body was no longer used to heavy lifting, which was very different from swinging a sword around.

Relle dried the last pot and walked over to me. She put her hands on my shoulders and started to massage them. Her hands were strong from years of kneading bread, and now she kneaded my tired muscles just as capably.

"Ahhh." I let my head fall forward and closed my eyes. "That feels wonderful."

She rubbed my shoulders, my upper back, my neck. Then her hands undid my topknot and slid up into my hair as it tumbled down. She scratched my scalp as I sighed contentedly. Soon she was playing with my hair, stroking it, gathering it up in her hands and letting it fall, running her fingers through it. Her hands rested on my shoulders again, and she softly kissed the top of my head.

Suddenly, her touch seemed much more intimate, and I found that I wanted her. Badly.

I opened my eyes and reached my hands up to hers, stopping them with a gentle squeeze. Then I stood and stepped away from her, folding my arms across my chest. "Thank you," I said quietly. Tension crackled between us as she cast her face down. My eyes focused on her and the rest of the world went away, until a noise from the kitchen made me jump.

Kera cleared her throat. "Time to put the baby to bed," she said, picking up Paine. "And I'm tired myself. See you in the morning."

"Good night," I replied. Relle said nothing. Kera looked at me with concerned eyes, but she left us alone.

Relle and I stood in silence for a long moment. Then she sighed, and finally met my eyes. "This is harder than I thought it would be," she said.

"I know," I said. "I wish I could come home more often."

"No," she whispered, "that's not it." She took a step back and glanced out the window. "I miss you when you're gone, I do. But at least I can pretend, then, that nothing has changed. I think about you, and then I go on with my life. But now that you're here..." She looked back at me. "You're so cautious around me, guarded, almost distant. And it makes me wonder whether you might not want me any more."

I was dumbfounded. "Not want you..." How could she have read me so completely wrong? "Is that really what you think?"

Her mouth twisted. "I don't know. Maybe."

"No! No. Why would you-- Didn't you get the sphere I sent?"

"Of course," she said. "And I believe that you meant it when you said it. But things can change."

I slowly shook my head. "Not this. Never this. I made a vow to you, and I fully intend to keep it. Never doubt that. As for not wanting you -- it's quite the opposite, actually." Her eyes went wide as I took her hands, lacing my fingers through hers. "I want to be with you so much that I don't trust myself to get too close."

Her expression softened. "And I misunderstood... but you seem almost afraid of me!"

"I am," I said in a low voice.

"Oh." Her mouth opened, as if she intended to say more, then it snapped shut.

"Perhaps not afraid of you, precisely. I fear the strength of my feelings for you, of losing control of them. I'm afraid of failing in my duty to Yevon, yet equally afraid of failing you. And I don't know which would be worse."

She reached up to my face, cupping my cheek. "You won't fail," she said.

"Your confidence is reassuring. I wish I could share in it." And then an idea popped into my mind, one that would provide a simple solution to this problem. I took a deep breath and looked straight into her eyes. "Marry me, Relle. Not in a few years, now. We could leave this place tonight and go to Djose -- Braska is there, I know he'd perform the ceremony for us if I asked. I'm an officer now, so Father will have no cause to complain. And Kera would be thrilled." I raised our intertwined hands to my lips and brushed them over her knuckles. "What do you say?"

She ducked her head, blushing, then looked back at me. "You are so sweet," she murmured with a smile. "Nothing would make me happier, and yet..." She dropped her hand from my face and slipped her other from my grasp. "I don't think you're ready. Surely your ambitions extend further than a lieutenant's rank?"

"It doesn't matter," I said, shaking my head fiercely, trying to make myself believe the words. "So what if I never receive a command? I don't care. This is enough. It doesn't matter!"

She simply looked at me. I had convinced no one. It was a lie, and we both knew it.

Suddenly, I was disgusted with myself. "Rrngh!" I turned away from her, then sat heavily on the couch, burying my head in my hands, feeling guilty for getting our hopes up. "I'm sorry, I should never--"

"It's all right," she said. I felt her take a seat next to me and lay a gentle arm across my shoulders. "It means a lot to me that you made the gesture."

"I wish it could be more," I mumbled.

"I know." She pressed her lips to my temple, then rested her head there.

After a few minutes, I dropped my hands to my lap, turned to her, and softly kissed her mouth. Her hand tightened on my shoulder where it rested. It took all my willpower to pull away.

I leaned my forehead against hers with a sigh. "Can you be patient with me while I learn where my boundaries are?"

"I can try," she responded. "If you really think this is enough."

"Enough? No," I said, touching her face. "But it will have to suffice."