The Most Wonderful Time

by: Eyes-of-Pearl

Disclaimer: ER belongs to its respective owners. The song, It's the most wonderful time of the year, doesn't belong to me.

Author's Note & Synopsis: I'm taking a bit of time away from my Reela fic, In this Life. For now, I bring you this one-shot. It's a Carter/Deb friendship fic. Slightly AU and post-Christmas (sorry for the timng). Carter and Deb remembered their mutual losses.

I don't remember exactly when Carter lost his baby with Kem. All I know is that, she went back to Africa, after saying that she loves him. (I hope that's right?) Anyways, I emphasize that this is AU. I'm just going to take the general premise and modify the events to fit this story...

The Most Wonderful Time

The English language is a funny thing. There are many words to describe a single moment, a single event. Take for example, an orphan means the loss of two parents. A widow is someone who lost a husband and a widower represents someone who lost a wife. Yet, there are no words to describe parents who lost a child, either in the literal or figurative sense. It's a rather peculiar thing when you think about.

Take this holiday for example, often dubbed the most wonderful time of the year. It defies convention not to embrace all the carolling, and snowing, gift-buying and present wrapping. In general, there is an all-around good cheer in the air, even if you are working at one of the most hectic places in the Wind City - County General Hospital.

Normally, he was all for the positive morale that comes with the holidays. Yet, this year his heart wasn't in it. It was too soon, too painful to think about it. Was it only a year ago that his child ... a part of a wonderful creation ... no, he promised himself not to think about it. It could have been such a lovely Christmas together.

Kim went back to Africa, after the death of their child. It was her way of dealing with it to leave behind something that was too painful to think about, "I love you," she said. He closed his eyes briefly at her parting words. He was alone, but it was feeling that John Truman Carter III knew quite well.

His way of handling the situation was to bury himself with work and there was plenty of it at County. Yet, it seemed that even in the ER, he couldn't get away from the general joyous atmosphere that comes along with the holidays. It didn't help that every other patient that he treated was either someone dressed up as a Santa Clause or some deranged Elf. Every corner that he turned to was a Christmas ornament of some sort. The speakers, normally inaudible above the noise in the ER, was hashing out every carol that was known to mankind for probably the hundredth time during his shift. It certainly wasn't the best thing when Jerry tried to sing along but he was vastly out of tune and only knew the chorus of each song.

Already, he was depressed by it all. How could everyone be so cheerful while there was so much loss in this world? 'No, he really shouldn't be here.' He sighed as the paramedics rolled in another Santa-mimic while the music overhead churned out, "It's the most wonderful time of the year. There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing, when loved ones are near. It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

-o-o-

She saw the snow fall from the view of her apartment. Against her own volition, she had unconsciously rubbed her abdomen, but quickly stilled her motions when they registered into her mind. 'How long ago did she carried a life within her?'

She often told others, and in the process, convinced herself that she did not regret putting her baby up for adoption. She hoped to grant her baby a fulfilling life that she herself could not provide. She knew her own reasons. To others, they may seemingly selfish, after all, she had a lucrative profession and lived in a comfortable home environment. She was loving and kind. She would have blossom under the prospect of motherhood. However, Jing-Mei Chen knew of the obstacles if she chose to keep the baby.

Holidays was usually the worst time for she was acutely aware of her own loss. Birthdays were hard but Christmas - the time for family and celebrations pulled her heartstrings. She allowed herself to indulge in fantasy of cuddling the child in her arms and buying gifts for her son. However, fantasies were just simply imaginations and Jing-Mei knew the truth as surely as she knew the frigidity of ice.

She left her apartment a couple of hours early, hoping to window-shop a little before the start of her shift. 'I don't know why I subject myself to this,' she thought.

She eyed the long lines of children waiting for a chance to sit on Santa's lap. 'The naivety of the young, the bliss found in ignorance ...'

It's the most wonderful time of the year.
With the kids jingle belling,
and everyone telling you,
"Be of good cheer,"
It's the most wonderful time of the year.

She scurried around frantic shoppers and the endless stream of oversized shopping bags. She remembered how John had offered to come with her to the mall one time to buy a gift, after her delivery. He was her coach serving as her confidante, her anchor during her labour. It was surreal, but there was no better person to bestow that honour upon. He was the only one who could have known what the birth of Michael meant to her and then to place him into the arms of another mother who didn't carry him for nine months. 'Only John knew ...'

-o-o-

'Nobody remembers,' he thought as he ripped off his gloves, after a gruelling session with stabilizing a patient for the OR.

'Then again,' he reminded himself, 'what would they say? Happy anniversary? Hope the new year brings you better luck.'

He knew that he was being too cynical, too bitter. He got a call last night from his father, who uncharacteristically asked to see if he wanted to spend the holidays together. Carter himself, was surprised but was touched at his father's underlying attempt of sympathies. However, his immature flash of hope was diminished when his father told him of an upcoming corporate Christmas dinner with a tentative business sponsor for the Carter Foundation.

Carter scoffed at his own foolishness as he made his rounds and back to the boards. He nearly had to stop himself from rolling his eyes at the ridiculous red and white hats that the nurses were all wearing. They even convinced Jerry to wear one as he again attempted kareoke for the next round of over-played Christmas carols.

"Does no one do actual work around here? We don't get paid here to sit here and sing Christmas songs," he snapped.

That comment garnered him the unwanted attention from those within hearing vicinity. It was most uncharacteristic. Haleh got out of the daze first when she asked, "Aw, where's your Christmas spirit, Dr. Carter?"

"Yeah, don't be a Grinch now," Jerry added.

"Who's being a Grinch?" Susan asked when she came by to see the commotion.

"Carter," Haleh helpfully supplied.

Susan raised an eyebrow, but before she could say anything. He mumbled a quick apology and said something about stress. On his way to Exam 4, he heard her say, "You can't blame him. It's been so crazy around here. He pulled a double yesterday. I have to work overtime today and I haven't even done half of my shopping yet ..."

He tuned out after that.

-o-o-

Her decision to put Michael into adoption was always a sore point with her mother and it added tension to an already tenuous relationship. They could not have a civilized conversation without her erupting in anger and her mother resorting to a tight-lipped silence. Jing-Mei found it best to avoid confrontation all together. 'Why does it have to be so complicated?'

She circuited around the department stores twice. When she caught herself staring at a young boy with a resemblance to Michael, she shook herself out of her reverie and decided that she needed to go into work. No sooner that she processed the thought, her pager vibrated. Duty calls.

How ironic for her that one of her first cases after stepping foot into the ER was to attend to a 32 year old Eliza St. John, who just delivered a healthy baby girl in the EMS. The family car had been stuck in the snow bank on route to the hospital, before being rescued by the paramedics. The proud parents beamed with awe and was quick to show off the newest addition to the family. Jing-Mei gave a strain smile as she took a step backwards and into the hall.

Without looking, she crashed into Carter who was walking with a scowl on his face. "John!"

"Deb!" he cried as he wrapped his arms around her to steady her fall.

She thanked him as she extricated herself from his embrace. He was surprised by her presence, "When did you come in?"

"Just got the page and you?"

"I was pulling a double."

Just then, they were interrupted by the definite cries from an infant. The two colleagues turned to the sound of the source. It was the St. John's baby who was making her presence known. Again, Deb's hands went to her abdomen, while Carter's face contorted with sadness and near-tears. The moment the Chinese woman looked up, she knew. Without a word, she ignored the distractions around her and embraced him. He stiffened upon contact but she did not let go and rooted them to the spot.

Carter relished in the warmth of another human being, especially that of his best friend. He held on to her lithe form and struggled with his silent tears. 'Of course, she would remember. Only Deb ...'

"I'm here for you, John," she whispered into his ear.

-o-o-

The rest of the shift was an endless stream of patients that came with various maladies, but for Carter and Deb, their minds weren't focussed on it all. As soon as they could get away, they met up outside the emergency bay. John had his car with him as he beckoned to Deb who followed without reservation.

Thought the entire drive to the mansion was a quiet one, the atmosphere wasn't uncomfortable. There was no need for unnecessary small talk. The silence was unbroken, when they made their way to one of John's living rooms. John made a fire in the fireplace, as Deb paced around.

"Deb." She nearly jumped at the sound of his voice, but quickly regained her composure. He didn't comment on her reaction, when he said, "I got you a gift."

"John, I-"

"Please Deb ..." He retrieved a jewellery box from his pant pocket. Almost shyly, he opened it to reveal an angel charm suspended on a sterling silver chain. The angel's wings was decorated with multi-coloured diamonds.

"It's beautiful, but you shouldn't have."

"I wanted to," he insisted as he clasped the necklace around her neck.

"Well, I have something for you too," she confessed as she retrieved something from her purse.

It seemed that they both had angels on their minds as Carter unwrapped his gift to reveal a figurine of an angel holding up a globe. The globe itself was wrought of coloured glass which emitted an iridescent glow in the firelight.

"I know it isn't much," she commented, but Carter quickly cut her off.

"No, it's fine. It's more than fine, it's perfect," he amended as he reverently placed his gift upon the mantle.

"When I saw it, I immediately thought of you, because as corny as it may sound, you are like my angel holding up my world. You have always been there, John. You are the only person who knew about Michael and treated me without prejudice."

She paused at his intense gaze, but quickly plunged on, "This time, give me a chance to hold up yours."

And so he did, as he allowed himself to be enveloped by the serenity that was distinctly Deb. He was always confident about their strength of their friendship. Deb always knew the right words to say, so he was reassured to hear those words spoken out loud. Like hers, his grief and sadness won't go away, but for now in the embrace of the woman who understood him better than himself, everything was indeed wonderful.

and hearts will be glowing,
when loved ones are near.
It's the most wonderful time of the year.

The End

AN: I found this one to be very un-structured, but I guess part of the stream of consciousness is supposed to be choppy. It was just an idea that I had. Hopefully, it got the point across, and that it makes sense.