Shattered Calm: Part II

Five swordsmen, two archers, and two mages followed me as we marched to the Moonflow, Kal walking by my side. He had filled me in on what had happened after I fell unconscious -- following the deadly shockwave, Sin had simply turned away and disappeared into the sea. The survivors had killed the rest of the Sinspawn, but no one knew what had caused Sin to break off its attack. After he had finished the tale, no one spoke. Part of me knew that I should be grieving for Jass and the others, but I was simply too overwhelmed with worry for Relle and my family. Kinoc had promised to protect them, but what if he hadn't made it in time? Without the Crusaders, if the fishermen were out, there's be almost no one able to protect those who remained. And what good would an assembly of fishermen and tradespeople be against Sinspawn anyway? It took all my control not to scream with the tension, or break into a run. As it was, I had my men traveling as fast as they could manage, weary from fighting. It took us almost three hours to get there.

As we approached Tzeki from the shoopuf station, we began to see the iron gray Sinspawn bodies littering the ground, interspersed with the occasional fallen Crusader. Soon, I could hear sounds of fighting. "Gray Squad, prepare to attack!" I called, drawing my weapon. They all responded in kind, silently. I could see a group of Crusaders ringing the town, creating a perimeter to protect the village from Sinspawn. The tactic seemed mostly effective, but there were too many of the monsters for it to keep all of them from getting through. I stopped for a moment, preparing to examine the situation, when I heard a piercing scream.

"Kera!" Then I did run, unable to not race to my sister's aid. I was rushed by a small group of the beetle-like beasts, but I barely noticed as I cut through them. In seconds, I was emerging in the town square. Kera, sobbing on her knees, held something tightly to her. Relle stood in front of her, attempting to hold off a small spawn with a large kitchen knife. I raced to them and took out the creature with a single sword stroke, slicing off its head. Then I noticed the reason for Kera's distress -- Paine was in her arms, unconscious. Relle looked at me for a moment, relief flooding across her face, then went to Kera. There was no time to determine exactly what was going on -- another small horde was rushing us. I stood on one side of them, and Kal, who had followed me, took the other. We protected the small group with sword and bow: Kal shot down Sinspawn before they could get too close, then I swept aside any that broke through. Within minutes, the enemies were all dead. I returned my sword to its scabbard and turned to Kera, who held her daughter and wept. Paine had been roused, and she was crying, too. It was a good sign, and I sighed with relief.

"It's okay," said Relle, standing next to me. "She was hurt pretty badly, but I grabbed some potions from Dix's stock. I'll have to find some way to pay him back. Maybe Paine's life will be enough." She gave this entire speech in an odd, emotionless tone, her gaze never leaving the ground.

I laid my hands on her shoulders. "Are you all right?" I asked.

She nodded, then met my eyes. "No," she said, and burst into tears.

Any concern I might have had for appearances evaporated as I drew her into my arms. She wrapped hers around my neck as she sobbed. "So scared, I was so scared. Xan and the others gone, no one here who could protect us, those bugs swarming everywhere, we couldn't get inside, then the Crusaders came and Kinoc said that you sent them, that you couldn't come yourself because you were fighting Sin at Djose, and so then I was afraid for you, too, and then Paine was hurt and now you're here and it's all over but I'm still scared!" She cried even harder, and I tightened my embrace, whispering endearments in her ear. It didn't matter so much what I said; I knew she just needed to hear my voice, to be reassured that I was really here with her.

"Oh Auron," she said, looking in my eyes again, gently touching the chest cut, "I'm so terrified that something will happen to you. All these wounds... You could be badly hurt, or even k-killed..."

"I'm a soldier, Relle," I responded, gently brushing a tendril of hair out of her face. "I thought you knew what that meant."

"I d-do," she said, hiccuping. "B-but it was different before. Somehow, the fact that you'll be fighting Sin now makes it more real that you m-might die."

I stroked her head and touched my lips to her brow. "I can't make any promises. All I can say is that I will do my best, that if it is at all in my power, I will come home to you. All right?" She nodded. "It looks like the danger has passed; let me walk you home." I turned to Kal. In all the years we had known each other, I had never told him about Relle; if he was surprised by the tender moment he had just witnessed, he didn't let it show. "I'll be back in a few minutes -- keep an eye on things here." He saluted, then went to help tend to wounded villagers and Crusaders.

Soon, we were standing in front of her door. I took in the face I loved so much, beautiful even when tear-streaked and creased with worry and fear. I had been planning to say something reassuring, but no words came. Instead, I found myself burying a hand in her hair and lowering my head to kiss her.

She kissed me back, her lips parting under mine, intense and passionate. The terrors of the day mingled with years of pent-up desire as I responded in kind. Tasting tears and sweat and her sweet breath, I pulled out the pins holding up her hair, and I felt it slither down over my arms. Her hands tightened on my back, pulling me closer to her, and I pressed the full length of my body against hers. My mouth traveled over her face, kissing her brow, her temples, her eyelids, her warm neck. She moaned softly. I pulled back briefly in order to look at her again. My only thoughts were of her: of wanting to feel every inch of her soft skin, to make love to her for hours, to remind both of us that we were still alive. I wanted to lose myself in her arms and forget the death that surrounded me. I stared deeply into her eyes and saw the same need, burning just as brightly.

"Relle," I whispered.

"I love you," she responded, gently laying her palm on my cheek. Then she drew me back down to her for another kiss, and there was nothing gentle about it. Her tongue probed for mine, tearing a groan from my throat. The embers of desire whipped into a roaring flame, and we kissed as though our lives depended on it. Perhaps, in that moment, they did...

"Captain?"

I nearly jumped at the sound of Kal behind me. His voice trailed off as I turned around. I let go of Relle and took a step away from her, clearing my throat. "What is it, Lieutenant?" I asked, taking refuge in formality.

"Commander Kinoc has returned, sir," he replied. "The Sinspawn have been defeated. We should be moving out soon, but he said he needs to talk with you first."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," I said. "Please tell the commander that I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Aye, Captain." Kal saluted and walked away. When he was out of sight, I turned back to Relle. She stood perfectly still, a hand covering her mouth, her eyes round with some emotion I couldn't decipher. I felt a rush of shame -- I had come so close to breaking my vows, right then and there. If Kal hadn't come along...

"I have to go," I said, my voice rough.

She dropped the hand from her face and reached it out to me, taking my gloved fingers in hers. "Can't you stay, just for a little while longer? I need you. And I think you need me, too."

Shaking my head, I stepped back, dropping her hand, forcing myself to deny the truth of her words. I didn't dare even touch her again, not when my control hung by a thread like this. "No. No, I can't."

"Please," she said, her tone nearly breaking my heart. "Please..."

With all my will, I resisted the overpowering urge to do as she asked, to reach out to her and enfold her in my arms and take her to her bed, or maybe not even bother with the bed. "I can't!" I said again, almost a shout this time as my temper rose. "Please don't ask me again."

Relle's pained eyes bore into me. Then she fled into her house, slamming the door behind her.

My anger, borne of fear, grief, and frustration mixed with horror at what I had almost done, died instantly. "Idiot!" I said under my breath. "Are you trying to drive her away?" I took a step toward the cottage, meaning to apologize, to explain myself properly, but I stopped. Seeing her was just too much of a risk right now -- I needed to get myself back under control. I would fix things later, when our emotions weren't running quite so hot. So I walked back to the center of town, breathing deeply in a futile attempt to calm myself.

Kinoc was in the town square, helping my remaining mages and some Crusaders heal the injured. Kera was still there, too; her tears had subsided and she sat quietly, Paine in her arms, watching. Sudden, uncontrollable fury surged again as I stalked over to Kinoc and grabbed him by the collar. "You said you would protect them!" I growled. "Then when I arrive, my niece is half-dead, my sister is in hysterics, and Relle is fighting Sinspawn with a knife! What happened!"

"Easy, friend, easy!" Kinoc raised his hands in surrender. "Let me explain."

I dropped my hand and stepped back, folding my arms.

Kinoc straightened his tunic. "We got here and drove the main group out of town, but then it looked like the Spawn were headed back toward the temple. I lead the Knights in pursuit, leaving the others here for defense. There must have been another wave after we left."

"I'm sorry," I said, my rage subsiding as quickly as it had appeared. "I know you must have done your best. I shouldn't have jumped on you, it's just..." I drew my hand down over my face, the feelings of grief I had been suppressing all afternoon finally catching up with me. "I lost Jass at Djose."

Kinoc's face twisted in sympathy. "I'm sorry to hear that. He was a fine officer."

"The Maester and the temple are safe, Yevon be thanked, but casualties were high. Over half of my squad, including Jass, and maybe a third of the Crusaders and Second Djose -- I don't know exactly how many, we had to leave before any casualty reports could be started. Any word yet on losses here?"

"Not too bad," he replied. "We lost maybe a dozen, not counting the wounded. And few fatalities among the villagers, praise Yevon -- assuming your niece is all right? Does she need to be healed?"

"She's fine. Relle got potions into her in time." He visibly relaxed, and I let out a shuddering breath that I hadn't even realized I was holding. "I should pull my squad together. We're supposed to meet Maester Brac at the shoopuf station and return to Bevelle -- now that Sin is back, we need to draw up a plan for defense."

Kinoc looked to the sky. "Getting kind of late to take off now, isn't it? You won't get halfway to Guadosalam before nightfall." The ceremony had started in the morning, but fighting and travel had taken up a full day. I glanced at the sun; dusk was only a few hours away. "I was planning on setting up camp here for the night, both to rest and to keep watch for fiends -- there's no summoner here, so things could get hairy later. You and the rest of Gray Squad are welcome to bunk with us, if you like."

I shook my head. "The Maester is expecting us, and he's traveling unguarded but for a few Crusaders. "

"Auron, you're exhausted. I'm sure your squad is, too. You really ought to stay, rest up, spend the night with your family. I'm sure the Maester would under--"

I cut him off with an arm motion and stepped closer to him. "Don't tempt me, Kinoc!" I said through clenched teeth, my hands tightening into fists. He looked startled by my passionate tone. "I can't stay. If I did, it's not my family I'd be spending the night with!"

"Ah." He stroked his beard thoughtfully. "All right. It wouldn't do to leave the Maester waiting without explanation, I suppose, although you do realize that you'll also have to explain why you didn't want to spend tonight here."

I sighed. "I know. I'll think of something." I looked around the square, and saw the daily fishing trip returning. "I'm going to go check in with my sister and her husband, then we'd better move out."

Kinoc nodded. "Let me know before you leave. And promise you won't push yourself too hard -- just get across the river. There are some good campsites not far from the other side."

"Right. Thanks for everything you did today. You probably saved my home." I bowed to him, and he saluted in return. Then he clapped my shoulder.

"Think nothing of it, my friend," he said. "Just remember today the next time you see action in Luca."

I managed a weak smile. "Of course."

"Auron? Is that you?" I heard a panicked shout from across the square and saw Xan running toward me. I quickly walked up to him and put my hands on his arms.

"It's all right, Xan," I said. "There was a Sinspawn attack here today, but the Crusaders got here before they could do much harm."

All the color drained from his face. "Sin?" he asked weakly.

"Yes. Now listen -- everyone is fine now, but Paine was hurt. Relle got some potions into her before any permanent damage could happen. Kera's over on the edge of the square, you should go to her." I hadn't even finished the sentence before Xan saw his wife and ran over to her. He held his little girl tightly, then brought Kera into his arms. I considered going over to them but was reluctant to interrupt the family moment. Then Kera caught my eye with an invitation.

"Kera," I whispered as I reached her, then knelt down and hugged her fiercely.

"Auron. Oh dear Yevon, you're hurt..." She took in my cuts and scrapes, her gaze lingering on the slash across my chest.

"I'm fine, the priests at the temple already took care of me. It's all much worse than it looks," I reassured her.

"Then thank Yevon you're safe, that we're all safe. Paine..." and she choked up again.

"Father only stocks the best potions," I said. "Everyone will be all right." A sudden thought occurred to me. "Where is Father, anyway?"

"On business in Guadosalam. He wasn't planning to come back for a few days."

"Ah. That's a relief." I released her.

Paine looked up at me from her seat on the ground, her eyes grave. "Uncle Auron? Are you all right?"

I reached down to smooth her hair. "Just fine, thank you. I'm glad you're okay, too. But next time, go into the house and stay there, all right?" She nodded soberly, then stood up to throw her small arms around my neck. I patted her, then turned back to Kera.

"I have to leave soon. Promise me that you'll check on Relle later?"

Xan looked at us. "Is she okay?"

I glanced at him as Paine let go of me and returned to her mother's lap. "She's not hurt, but she had a bit of a breakdown earlier. I don't think she should be alone tonight."

"All right," said Kera, clearly disapproving. "But we're not who she needs, and you know it."

I cast down my eyes. "I know. But I can't be there for her right now. Not the way she needs me to be."

"How much longer are you going to make her wait, Auron? She's wasting away here without you..."

"Don't start with me!" I snapped, standing up and casting the full force of a glare at her. "Not now. Do you know how many good men I lost today?"

The fire in her eyes died. "Oh... little brother," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"It's all right," I said quietly. "We've all had a hard day."

Maester Brac was waiting at the shoopuf station, a small team of Crusaders in tow, when I arrived with my squad. "Is everything all right?" he asked.

"Yes. Praise Yevon, and thanks to Kinoc, the village stands and my family is well."

"I am glad to hear it." We boarded the shoopuf, and I sighed deeply as I settled onto the bench, sitting between Kal and the Maester. It was the first opportunity I'd had to rest since regaining consciousness. Yet I found that I couldn't. Every time I tried to relax, I saw Jass's dead eyes, staring. Or the look on Relle's face just before she ran away from me. In an attempt to block the images out, I pressed my knuckles into my eyes, and to my chagrin found that they were wet. I tried to suppress the reaction, but a single sob escaped my lips despite my best efforts.

The Maester turned to look at me. "Are you all right?"

"Sorry, I know I shouldn't... especially in front of the men..." I turned away to hide the tears I could no longer hold back.

Maester Brac placed a finger below my chin and lifted my face to his. His eyes were filled with compassion. "No. Do not apologize. Auron, Kal. Hear this now." Kal lifted his head from his hands -- he had not been crying, but his face was a mask of misery. "As an officer, you hold the lives of the men you command in your hands. It is right that you should grieve when those lives are lost -- it means that you value them, that you will not give them up too cheaply. By mourning openly, you honor their sacrifice. Good warriors will understand this and respect you all the more. It is a mark of a superior officer."

I nodded, calmer now as I wiped my eyes. "Thank you, your grace," I said. "I will remember."

The rest of the ride passed in silence. A few hours later, we made camp for the night. I prowled around the fire restlessly, the events of the day playing over and over in my mind. Eventually, Kal took me by the arm. "Let's take a walk," he said.

I silently acquiesced. When we had gotten some distance away from the main encampment, I stopped and turned to him. "Damn it all!" I shouted. "Why? Why did it have to be Jass?"

He shook his head sorrowfully. "I don't know. Why any of them?"

The anger started to boil up again. "Jass... He was so young... only nineteen... one of the best men I ever served with, and now he's dead and there isn't a damn thing I could have done to save him!" I whirled around with a roar and slammed my fist into the nearest tree with all my strength. I felt skin scrape off my knuckles as they crashed into the rough bark; there was something very satisfying about the physical pain, so I punched the trunk again. I would have done it a third time if Kal hadn't caught my arm as I drew it back.

Suddenly, it was all too much. A terrible wave of grief crested and broke within me, and I could deny it no more. I fell to my knees, sobbing, hot tears pouring from my eyes.

Kal knelt down next to me and pulled me into his arms. I clung to him, burying my face in his shoulder as we wept together for our fallen comrades.

A/N: Apologies for the cliche of introducing a character for the sole purpose of killing him off, but I needed someone Auron cared about to die, and the only real option within the established characters was Kal. I did seriously consider going that route, but I have future plans for Kal, and it would have drastically changed the Kinoc scene in Part II in ways that I didn't like. His death would have been a hell of a scene to write, though...