Disclaimer: "Keep smoking, you're gonna get hit by a bus!"

(An: JP does NOT have Spock eyebrows! I say it a third time! He's also the Canadian in "The Cafe"... hmm, maybe I should change it to French guy... there. I bunged up a bit about the evil plotbunny. SATISFIED! -eye twitches-)

"This is the part where I die, right?" Dani asks.

In the background, Forge does a dance. (1)

Dani shoots him a death glare.

"Oui, oui," Remy says, flapping a hand at her.

"So this means after that I can go and make out with Rob?" (2)

"...uh... sure..."'

"Cool!"

Rob doesn't exactly seem displeased about this, either.

"Let's get started," Remy suggests, "before y'all get all 'Cheyennes Gone Wild' on us," he adds in a mutter.

As usual, Mystique does her whole I'm-a-Harpy-So-I-Gotta-Screech bit.

Then Kurt runs over. "Mom... shirtless... NYAGH!"

"Dat's old hat, mon ami," Remy points out. "We saw it last chapter, remember?"

"Mystique, the slut of Bayville strikes again!" Forge yells. (2)

Kurt's eye twitches, but he manages to get himself under control. He clears his throat, and walks up to Ororo's cage. "Kurt is with you," he announces.

"...I can see that," Ororo deadpans.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't get away any sooner," Kurt continues, undaunted.

"There has never been bad special effects on me before," Ororo murmurs. Random much?

Forge looks hurt.

The fake horn glimmers. "There has never been a world in which I was not known."

Kurt nods. "Oh, I know exactly how you feel. It's a very rare person who's taken for what he truly is."

"Will you help me?"

"Oh, if not you, no one," Kurt replies. "...I thought this was a Kurtty..."

Author: It is a Kurtty.

"SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE KURORO!"

Author: -shrug- Don't ask me, I didn't write the script.

"You're my last chance," Kurt goes on, his eye twitching even more.

"Can you truly set me free?"

"Dani Fortuna doesn't think so," Kurt states. "She sees me as a clumsy fraud, a trickster." He strikes a pose. "But I am Kurt the Magician, the last of the Red-hot Swamis! And I too am real, like you... like her." Kurt gestures at his mom, looking squicked.

"You know, Shmendrick the Magician always sounded so much more impressive," Kitty comments.

Kurt shoots her puppy-dog eyes. "Yes, I will help you."

"Where is the monkey?"

"The line," Jason snaps between gritted teeth, "is 'where is the other MAN!'"

"Jason?" Kurt asks, ignoring him. "Don't worry about him. I asked him a riddle, and it always takes that lout all night to solve riddles. And now..." Kurt reaches into his cloak. He chants some impressive sounding crap and the Forest Theme starts up.

The cage fades away and Ororo appears to be in front of her forest, with all her animal friends... even the dodos.

"The extinct flightless bird of Canada!" Logan cries... again.

"You're really stuck on that, aren't you," Jubilee observes.

"Why, yes, yes I am!"

Ororo seems shocked, and then notsomuch as the forest disappears and she's back in her cage. "What a ripoff."

"Oh, sorry," Kurt mumbles. "I would have liked that to have been the spell that freed you. It's a particularly nice one." He strokes his chin, a la Sigmund Freud. "Let's try this one. Okay!" He chants some mystic mumbo jumbo and does a little god dance. (3) "This is a super spell," he adds. "The bars are now as brittle as old cheese, which I crumble and scatter so!" He grabs the bars, which glow bright blue... rather like the fake horn.

"Eh, don't look at me," Forge replies. "With magic-y stuff, you take what you get, my friends."

The blue glow, of course, burns Kurt's hands. "Whoo," says Kurt, wiping them on his shirt. "I must've gotten the accent wrong. It comes and it goes."

"Try again, once more. It's funny to see you get burned... literally!"

Kurt glares at her. "You know, I could just take my coffee break now and leave you in there for another ten minutes..."

Ororo feigns innocence. "There's very little time left. Hurry!"

"Unicorn, black, psychic, I'm not surprised she's not single," Remy mutters.

"Damn straight she's not single!" Forge agrees. "No matter what those damn Evo execs say..."

Kurt whistles and throws some powder from a sack. The powder glows bright yellow and settles over the cage as he chants. He gasps and the cage starts to shrink.

"Oh, stop!" Ororo gasps. "The bars!"

"No, no," Kurt mumbles, not seeming unduly worried. He chants some more and the shrinkage quits. "And that is why you should always wash your Iron-Cages-of-Death in cold water, people!" He falls to his knees. "I dare no more. The next time, I might not be able to."

"Try again," Ororo begs. "The spell was wrong, but there was true special effects in it. Try again."

"My dear," Kurt says, and his eye twitches at the Kuroro again, "you deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of the aid of a second-rate pickpocket."

Remy glares at Kurt. "I can't believe I was considered for this role!" (4)

Kurt pulls out a big clunky keyring. He goes over and puts it in the lock, which laughs at him a la the lock in A Christmas Carol. (6) "Some magician! Some magician!"

"Ah, turn blue," Kurt mutters. "...hey..." (5)

"Hurry!" Ororo whispers, and for some reason her actual horn is glowing blue this time.

Everyone turns to look at Forge. "Hey, don't ask me... animation error, maybe." (6)

"Gah!" the lock mutters as Kurt finally undoes it.

He opens the cage door. "Step down, lady, you are free!"

There's a shiny bit around Ororo as she whinnies.

Then we hear the voice of a monkey. "Why do you keep using the monkey joke!" Jason cries.

Author: Eh, I dunno- there's something distinctly funny about the way Evo styled you.

"Ok, Kurt," he says, walking out from behind a cage. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" (7)

Ororo wisely runs off.

"The cage!" Jason gasps, noticing it. "You have taken my keys! Why, you thin thief! She'll string you on barbed wire to make a necklace for a harpy!"

Author: You know, the line's supposed to be said a lot jerkier than that.

"I had to do fragments in chapter three; I refuse to do it again!"

"Run!" Kurt yells. He tackles Jason and they roll around in the dust.

Ororo gallops off to the "manticore's" cage, touching the lock with her horn. The illusion falls off and the lion runs away.

"You pile of stones!" Kurt yells. "...Wha t kind of an insult is that?"

"A medieval one," Kitty replies.

"Is Kitty!Smart like the runnin' joke for this fic?" Rogue asks.

"I guess," Remy murmurs. "But de author'll forget soon, just y' wait... and why are y' still here, anyway!"

"Ah play the random guitar to Piotr's singin', dumbass," Rogue replies.

"Ah. Right," Remy replies with an "I'm-Sure" look.

Kurt pins Jason. "I'll set all your toenails growing inward if you mess with me! ...again, what the hell kind of insult is that?"

Kitty looks vaguely annoyed that her smartness has gone unnoticed.

Then there's some more rolling and Jason pins him. "Some magician! You couldn't turn cream into cheese, you Kurt, you! ...for once, the blue guy is right... these insults suck!"

Ororo walks up to Pietro's cage and pauses. "Nah, I'll just leave you in there."

Pietro shakes the bars and swears... a lot... too much for me to put in and keep a PG rating.

Then, of course, she turns to Mystique's cage. Mystique does IHSIGS bit.

Kurt punches Jason on the side of the head and finally gets away from him. He sees Ororo heading for Mystique's cage. "No, she'll kill you! Run! She'll kill you if you set her free! ...put a shirt on her instead!"

"Set me free," Mystique begs. "We are sisters, you and I."

Ororo looks at her and makes a nervous little squeaky noise. Then she puts her horn to the lock.

"No!" Kurt yells.

Mystique flaps her wings and the whole cage falls apart. "Now that's power, you see!" she yells. She flaps up and then swoops down at Ororo, but apparently all 'Ro has to do to deter Mysty is shake her horn.
Mystique tries again, the same thing happening.

Then, of course, Dani comes out of wherever she hangs out. She cackles. "...So, this is when I die, right?"

Remy nods.

"Sweet!" She cackles some more, just for the hell of it. "Not alone! You never could have freed yourselves alone! I held you!"

This pisses off Mystic quite a bit- even more than me using her nickname- and she swoops down at Dani, who holds her arms out.

We don't see her die, of course, since this is a kid's movie; we just see Ororo and Kurt wince. And of course we see Mystique, with her back turned and wings glowing red. That's nice. Reeeal nice.

"Run! You must run! Oh, God, run! Run away from here now!" Kurt cries. "We need to get away from the full-frontal-ness!"

"No," Ororo replies. "Come with me. Come with me!" she repeats, because people in this movie like to repeat themselves.

There's a monkey gasp. What exactly it means, I'm not sure... but it probably means the XME Monkey Mascot is getting too much full-frontal as well.

Kurt winces.

"Don't look back, and don't run. You must never run from anything immortal. It attracts their attention." So they walk off.

Apparently, not running does the trick, because when Mystique finishes her Dani dinner, she doesn't spot them.

In the way of this movie (since they've been slacking off) suddenly it's morning.

Kurt is huddled up under a tree. "Oh, that poor old woman," he mumbles. "I didn't want it to- I didn't know!"

There is a QSC to Dani and Rob making out.

"Dude, that is disturbing on so many levels," Forge mutters.

QSC back to Ororo and Kurt. "She chose her death, long ago," Ororo says. "It was the fate she wanted."

"And you, you have no regrets as I do?"

"Yes, actually; seeing Mystique with her shirt off is not going in my happy memories box."

"LINE!" Remy yells. "Even though I agree wit' y'."

"Fine, fine," Ororo mutters. "I can never regret. I can feel sorrow, but it's not the same thing."

"Where will you go now? Far, far away from my mother, I hope?"

"I'm looking for others like me."

"Fat chance; all the other unicorns in this movie are white."

"Everybody's a racist!" Ororo yells. (8)

"Yep," Kurt agrees.

Seeing this has no effect, Ororo just sighs. "Have you seen them, magician?"

"No, I've never seen anyone like you... not while I was awake, anyway... ok, that sounded so perverted."

"From y', oui," Remy agrees.

"A butterfly told me of an Orange Bull who pushed all the other unicorns to the ends of the earth. And Dani Fortuna spoke of a King Mags. So I'm going where they are, to learn whatever they know."

"Wasn't he drunk at the time?" Kurt points out.

"Yeah, well, still," Ororo replies.

Kurt momentarily gets a look on his face as Ororo starts off that says "Do I really wanna follow a black unicorn who's following the advice of a drunk butterfly and a crazy Cheyenne chick?"

"RACIST!" Dani yells, then goes back to macking with Rob.

The expression disappears and Kurt starts after her. "Take me with you. For luck. For laughs. For the unknown."

"You may come with me, if you like, but I wish you had asked for some other reward for having freed me."

"Well, I thought about it, but you could never grant my true wish."

"No, I couldn't erase the image of your full-frontal mom from your mind."

Kurt shrieks and Rem yells "LINE!"

Ororo clears her throat. "No, I cannot turn you into something you are not. I cannot turn you into a true magician."

"That's all right," Kurt says. "Don't worry about it. I found some brain bleach, anyway."

"Share it with me," Ororo says, and seeing Remy's WTF eyebrow, adds, "I'm not."

"D'accord, that's a wrap!" Remy yells.

"Oh, thank GOD!" Jason yells. "I can leave!"

"And mom can put a shirt on!" Kurt adds.

"No!" Mystique yells, reveling in her harpy-full-frontal-ness. In front of Forge (who is looking squicked) of course.

"I'm gonna go throw up now," Forge mutters.

(And that's that, mes amies. I'm glad so many of y'all like it.)

(1) Forge and Dani are both Cheyenne. Dani doesn't like Forge because he ditched them and his responsibilities. Forge doesn't like her 'cause he's a jerk like that.

(2) A reference from QFS, of course. Forge calls Mystique "The Slut of Bayville" because she flirts with EVERYONE in that fic.

(3) Line from "The Road to El Dorado" of course.

(4) It's true; this was originally gonna be a Romy... and then I decided against it. 'Cause I'm picky like that. I mentioned as such in some chapter of "The Cajun and the Artist."

(5) I quite like this quote; I use it in several of my things. I think...

(6) I have no idea why the unicorn's horn glows blue. I just thought it was very weird.

(7) The quintessential riddle without an answer, from the Alice books. The answer Carrol eventually provided was "They both produce notes, and each are very flat." I only have useless knowledge where anything Alice or TLU is involved, so there.

(8) The racist line is what Da Hatta from the Foamy series always yells.