Disclaimer: "You ever notice how a tumor looks just like cheese?"
(An: Here we go again... funfun.)
"Y' know," Remy comments, looking at his clipboard, "y' two should really come up for air."
Rob and Dani don't even blink. (1)
"Hey, hey, leave off," Bobby says. "This is good business. Step right up, place your bets!"
Now Dani and Rob break it off. "Shall we kill him together?" Rob suggests.
Dani gets a very evil look. "Lets."
"I'd run now, if I were you," Kurt says to Bobby, who books for the exit.
So Kurt and Ororo set off across some random backgrounds. Some screaming can be heard, but everyone ignores that. "What do you know of King Magneto?"
"I have heard that he's an old man who rules over barren country by the sea," Kurt replies.
"Why are there always old jokes about me?" Magneto moans.
"There wasn't," Remy responds. "But now there is!"
Magneto glares at him.
"Some say that Magneto's land was green and soft, once, before he came," Kurt goes on. "But the minute he touched it it became hard and gray."
"Tell me about the Orange Bull."
"Why are y' askin' him for?" Remy interjects. "I'm his best friend."
Rogue backhands him.
"Ow! What was that for? It's not like they haven't already guessed it!" (2)
"Yeah, but we're still not supposed to make asinine comments," Rogue responds.
Remy glares at her.
"The Orange Bull?" Kurt says, ignoring them. "Well, I've heard too many tales to tell you the truth."
Now Ororo and Kurt start across a river, going from stone to stone.
"I've heard that the Bull is real, that the Bull is Australian- I mean, a ghost."
Kurt being Kurt, he stumbles and steadies himself on Ororo. "Uh, sorry."
Author: For those of you not up on unicorn lore, it's a rather nasty sensation for them to be touched by anyone but female virgins. Even boy virgins (like Kurt) are too nasty.
Kurt looks even more flustered.
Remy looks squicked and backs away. "Eww..."
Kurt's eye twitches. "Who said I was a virgin!"
"Your girlfriend," Rogue replies, with a "duh" look.
Kitty's smile is just pure evil.
Eager to get off the subject of virginity, Kurt and Ororo start off again through the random backgrounds. "I've heard that the Bull protects Magneto or it keeps him a prisoner in his own castle... there are so many stories."
"Oh, Dieu," Remy mutters. "Where's Hank?"
Kurt pulls a butterfly net from his cloak. Inside is Hank, who still appears to be drunk. "Toads make excellent canon fodder, but you have to deep-fry them first..." he mumbles.
"Say de damn line, please," Remy begs, looking severely weirded out.
"They passed down all the roads long ago," Hank slurs, "and the Orange Bull ran close behind them and covered their footprints."
Again, we see that image of the unicorns RLF down a road. Ororo whinnies and rears. Come on, you knew it was coming.
"All in favor of de-butterfly-ing Hank at de end of de chapter?" Remy asks.
"AYE!" everyone else shouts.
There's a QSC, going from Ororo and Kurt on a mountain to Ororo and Kurt in a forest.
Kurt is humming to himself. He pulls out two oranges from his pack and starts to juggle them, fake ones appearing in the air. He pauses, offering one to Ororo. "Want one?"
Ororo just stares at him, and Kurt tucks everything back into his pack. Well, that was sufficiently pointless...
"How much further is it?" Ororo asks.
"This is the edge of Magneto's kingdom. It's very, very dangerous country. Dani Fortuna never came within miles of here."
"Well, yeah, if it made you hum and juggle oranges then that's obvious," Dani says.
"Shut up and be dead!" Kurt yells.
Dani pulls a face at him and then goes back to macking with Rob.
So we see a bunch of horse riders come down the road.
Kurt pauses, pointy ears twitching.
"Is it your snack sense?" Kitty asks. (3)
"No- well, yes! Ororo's lemon squares are done!"
Jamie immediately dashes off from the sound system to go grab some lemony goodness. (4)
Ororo rolls her eyes and kicks Kurt... really hard.
"OW!" Kurt falls over, clutching his knee. "...medic..."
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
Kurt is pretty much as good as new, a reeeeally big bandaid over his leg.
"It's simply amazing what modern technology can do," Remy deadpans, and Forge nods eagerly. "...Sarcasm just goes right over your head, doesn't it."
So Kurt finally gets to say his line now! "Listen! Uh-oh! I was afraid of that! Run swiftly, hide yourself! We'll find each other later."
"Why? Who are they? ...Naive, much?" Ororo asks.
"Spare us the sarcasm, 'Ro," Remy says, inspecting his nails.
"You keep talking about this 'sarcasm'. What is it?" Forge asks.
Remy stares at him, incredulous. "Is it like Forge Be Stupid Day or something?"
Forge blinks.
"Isn't that every day?" Kurt asks. "Oh, come on, I had to say it..."
"Y' must have a death wish, no matter how stupid Forge is," Remy responds.
"Why don't we just get on with the scene?" Ororo "asks", eye twitching rather nastily.
"Outlaws!" Kurt yells, in answer to 'Ro's question which we have all probably forgotten by now.
"Seriously, what's sarcasm?" Forge asks.
"If I were human, I'd so smack him... did that sound weird?" (5)
Kurt just gives her a "duh" look and then clambers into a tree.
The Brotherhood (sans Wanda) ride up, Todd in front for no apparent reason. He stops in front of the tree Kurt climbed into. "Whoa, what have we here?" he asks, chuckling nastily as he eyes the edge of Kurt's cloak. "Aw, man, not this again, yo! I thought you were done with me!"
Author: Just because QFS was the only parody in which you didn't have a significant part... or any part, for that matter...
(6)
"Aye, lads," Todd goes on. "Mind your heads now!" He pulls Kurt down onto the saddle, making for something rather slashy. "EW... yo!"
"I second that," Kurt mutters, edging as far away from Kurt as he can without falling off the saddle.
"It's raining ninnies!" He and the rest of the B-hood chuckle. And then they ride off again, Ororo peering out from behind a bush.
For a moment on a tree we see "LA loves KP" inside a heart (ew) and "Down with King Mags." The last bit is crossed out to read "the crazy old guy." (7)
"I'm not old, dammit!"
"Rat soup!" Fred cries, sampling his mug. "Again, rat soup!" He tosses it away.
"At least she could use a different rat, the third night, anyway," Pietro agrees. He then stands up and begins to do a "minor-part" dance. (8)
There's hoofbeats as the rest of the group approaches (since it's night again apparently it took them a while to get to their camp).
"Put me down, you fool!" Kurt cries, shaking his fist, 'cause that's cool.
"Ah, lie quiet there," Todd replies. "You're for Cap'n Lance himself, you are." He smushes Kurt down.
"That... looks really kinky," Kitty comments in the background.
"A pox on you, woman, a pox!" Kurt cries, shaking his fist again and nearly falling out of the saddle.
Lance pushes past two random INRPJPD. (9) "Well, Todd Tolenksy," says Lance, and I think that's the first time he's ever called Todd by his first name. "And who is you bring us? Comrade or captive?"
"I don't know what he is myself," Todd replies. "He's a ratty plush toy, yo."
Kurt attempts to bite Todd, and then seems to think better of it.
"What happened, Lance? We were out looking for likely travelers like always."
"Add some more water to the soup, love," Lance says, with more tact and respect for his partner than he's ever shown in a relationship before, probably. "There's company."
"I'll not have it, Lance," Kitty cries, pushing past the INRPJDs herself and generally being P.O.'ed. "Not another mouth to feed. The soup's no thicker than sweat as it is."
Fred and Pietro exchange glances that suggest they want to go throw up after the ending.
"My love, where's your Bayville hospitality? ...this is Bayville hospitality," Lance says.
"My point." Kitty then turns her verbal abuse to Kurt. "And who's this long lout? I don't like the look of him. Slit his wizard... I so do not get that."
"Ah, there's my not-smart girl," Kurt sighs.
Kitty gives him an "I'll get you later" look.
Kurt sits up (still in front of Todd). "I wouldn't do that because I am Kurt the Magician." He hops off the horse to avoid further Kurt/Todd jokes. "And you must be the famous Captain Lance, boldest of the bold and freest of the free."
"That I am," Lance agrees, looking tickled to have someone remember his name.
"He's guessing, Lance," Kitty replies."Gut him... before he does you the way the last one did oh my GOD that sounded wrong... hmm... Kurt/Lance might be interesting, though." That evil look comes back.
Kurt and Lance both look horrified.
"That's only Kitty Pryde's way," Lance stammers. "What, to be mean and perverted in the same sentence?"
"Yeah, that sounds like Kitty," Kurt comments, and Kitty slaps him. "Ow!"
"That's what you get!"
"But she has a good heart, a good heart," Lance says, touching her shoulder and winking at the camera.
"Off with ya," Kitty replies, shoving him off.
"And this lady, don't tell me, she must be your faithful and beautiful companion," Kurt adds, winking at Kitty, who smirks.
"Maybe he does now," Kitty says, leaning against a tree.
Lance snorts. "Yes, splendid woman," he agrees. He grabs Kurt around the shoulders. "You are welcome here, sorcerer. Come to the fire and tell me what you've heard of dashing Captain Alvers and his band of free men." They sit. "Have a taco... that was weird."
"Man, I am sick of all the slashy subtext," Todd mutters, stalking off.
"How do you think I feel?" Kurt yells after him. He turns to Kitty. "Tell me you didn't mean that Kurt/Lance bit. Please."
Kitty just saunters off to her dressing room, the evil smile returning.
Kurt squeaks.
(As you might be able to tell by now, I think Kurt/Todd is funny and I really dislike Lancitty. And this is shorter than usual, but there wasn't any other good place to stop.Review!)
(1) I love Rob/Dani. Blame Toddfan.
(2) And if you haven't guessed it... there's this bridge to Hawaii I'd like to tell you about...
(3) Kurt has a snack sense, according to the Nutboarders... and "Shall We Flirt?"
(4) Jamie loves Ororo's lemon squares, according to me and "Double Trouble"... it's the lamest title ever for a Jamie fic, I know.
(5) I fear this may become the "Did that sound gay?" of this fic.
(6) It's true; Todd is Khalil in "Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix" and Fido in "The Cajun and the Artist." This is called a shameless plug. I do them a lot. Suck it up.
(7) There really is that graffiti; you have to watch closely to see it, though. Of course, it's not Evo-ised, but it's there, dammit! It's like Yumi's Totoro pillow in Code: Lyoko.
(8) Pietro also has large parts in everything but "Quest for Sanity." He's Jonah and Zigzag respectively.
(9) I'm Not Really a Person, Just a Plot Device. X-band crack. By the way, if anyone had a suggestion for the Pyro insanity chapter, it'd be appreciated... I'm a little stuck... -sweatdrop-