Disclaimer: "When in doubt, nod and smile."
(An: Starting afresh... meh. More fun with Robin Hood wannabes. As for why this is going up on a Monday- it's Labor Day here in the States, meaning NO SCHOOL!)
"There aren't gonna be any creepy slash references, are there?" Lance asks.
"Wanna burrito?" Kurt asks. "That would be a yes, then?" (1)
Lance facepalms.
Remy looks squicked. "Eh, let's get started... before this goes any further..."
"For once, Ah agree with you," Rogue comments.
Remy jumps, since she apparently just appeared of nowhere. "What are you doing here!"
"Ah told you, Ah'm the random guitar player," Rogue replies. "Ok, so it wasn't in the cast list... but it's still fun ta freak you out."
Remy rolls his eyes.
Lance clears his throat and Remy makes a "go ahead, if you must" gesture. "You're a lucky guest this evening, magician. My minstrel, Robby Gentle here, was just about to inspire us by singing one of the adventures of bold Captain Lance and his men."
Rob, who does not look thrilled about this, stands up. The rest of the random people boo and hiss.
"MEOW!" Sabretooth yells.
"Godammit Logan, get him out of here!" Ororo shrieks. (2)
Logan shrugs. "Couldn't resist." He tackles Sabretooth.
"Hey, Robby," Ray says, obviously pleased with the opportunity to get to call Roberto "Robby", "not that thing again."
"I'm going to kill you later," Rob mouths.
Kitty straightens up from leaning against her tree and cries, "Robby, sing us a true song! Sing us one about Robin Hood! ...ok, wait wait wait. Why doesn't Robin Hood get a weird fake name change?"
Author: It was too much of a hassle. This thing already has too many random characters to begin with. And besides, I only give real parts to people with lines. Usually.
This seems to annoy Lance (the Robin Hood thing, not the line thing). "Well, that too- you're not at all consistent."
"Ok, that sounded weird," Ororo comments from the bushes. (3)
"Y're supposed to be hidin', y' know," Remy says, from the director's chair.
"And just why do you give a damn?"
"Because I have ABSOLUTE POWER!" Remy lets off a pretty decent evil cackle.
Ororo blinks. "Oh, God, not that again..."
Lance clears his throat and stands up abruptly, shoving Kurt's face into the dirt. "Right. There is no Robin Hood! Robin Hood is a myth!" He stalks off for no apparent reason.
The other random people turn to watch and Ororo leans out of her bush, horn glowing.
Author: This is another one of those parts I don't get. What's the point? There was never anything like it in the book. It's just plain weird... ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to make my case...
So Ororo's horn (her real horn; somewhere along the line the fake one disappeared) glows blue.
Then Kurt stands up (spitting out dirt) and holds his hands above his head, mumbling, "Magic, magic do as you will." He stutters this repeatedly as the trees sparkle and the wind howls.
The random people blink.
There's a funny sound as one of Forge's machines blow up. Kind of like "Squeeeeerrrr." Lance stops wandering off and turns back to the campfire. Kitty blinks.
...and after all that, nothing happens. The sparkles go away, the wind dies down, and Kurt collapses.
"Now, lads, with that out of the way-" Lance begins, obviously trying to make it out like it was his idea.
But Kitty interrupts him. She points over at somewhere and cries, "Look! Oh, look there!"
Kurt blinks, as a ghosty image of a guy in a random green suit and a chick in a green dress walk past, arm in arm.
"Hey, doesn't that look like Remy and Rogue?" Kitty whispers to Kurt, who shrugs. (4)
Lance, being stupid, walks up to the fake Romy and says, "Sir, Madam, I bid you welcome to my domain... oh, no, there's no way I'm gettin' near that asshole!"
Kitty subtly kicks him, being a master of Chick Fu.
"My name is Captain Lance of Bayville-"
Then, of course, Remy and Rogue walk through him and then through the fire.
"Can you do that?" Wanda asks Pyro.
"Never tried," Pyro replies, looking thoughtful.
"Why did y' have t' give him an idea?" Remy asks.
"Wait, aren't you over there?" Wanda says, blinking.
"For once," Remy responds with a rather nasty smirk, "Forge got something right."
"And I suppose you all are going to forget my numerous sucessful shape-changes with aid of the purple thing, or the RLLT!" (5)
"...Yeah," everyone else agrees, after thinking about it for a second.
Forge facepalms.
"Oh!" Kitty gasps. "Robin Hood and Marian! ...who look suspiciously like Remy and Rogue, but that's not in the script!"
A fat man and a minstrel follow them. The fat man looks suspiciously like Hank, and the minstrel looks suspiciously like Rob.
"Friar Tuck?" Ray gasps. "That's Friar Tuck! ...and I care... why?"
The random people make comments on all the Robin Hood people (who all look like X-people). That's a lot of people, yo.
"What is this?" Lance demands. "This is not happening. Robin Hood is a myth! We are the reality."
"Actually," Forge points out, "we're only one of them."
"Shut up!" Kurt hisses. "You don't want us to get involved in some big AU fiasco, do you!"
"Good point," Forge agrees. "Comic me had waaaay too much angst."
The ghost Robin Hood people drift on along their way, ignoring Lance, like the normal people.
"Magic is magic!" Lance proclaims. "But the truth is us!"
"Like you would know anything about it," Forge snorts.
"Robin? Mr. Hood, sir?" Ray calls after the ghost people. "Little John? Will? Wait for me!"
He starts after them, and then the other random people follow.
Kurt chuckles as even Kitty runs off, with a cry of "Wait! Wait for me, Marian!"
"As if," Rogue says, popping up behind Remy seemingly out of nowhere again.
"Y're givin' me heart attacks here!" Remy yells, jumping about a foot. (6)
Kurt laughs some more, sounding a little maniacal. "It worked! It worked! I said, 'magic, do as you will' and it worked!"
"It's not that much of a surprise," Forge mutters.
"You do know that's in the script, right?" Kurt replies. "Although it is rather shocking."
"Everybody's a racist."
"That was a dangerous diversion, Sir Fuzzy Guy," Lance says, drawing his sword as he and Todd grab Kurt.
"He's no ordinary freakshow, Lance," Todd agrees. "I don't know what he is, tell you the truth."
There's a QSC to Lance and Todd tying Kurt to a tree. A tree, that if one were willing to think like that, appears to have a face... and a rack bigger than Mystique's.
"GAH!" Kurt yells. "I did not need reminding!"
"I'm so glad we got here after the boss lady left," Todd whispers to Lance, who for once appears to agree with him.
"Tie him up," Todd says, "and guard him through the night, Lance. In the morning, we'll see what can be done with a wizard who can call up Robin Hood."
"That sounded really kinky," Kitty calls.
Todd looks squicked. "Should be worth something, eh, Lance?"
"Yes indeed, we'll sell him," Lance agrees. "We'll both be gentleman of leisure in a month's time." He and Todd walk off, muttering about the author's weird slash fetishes.
Author: You're supposed to walk off chuckling.
Todd and Lance just stare for a moment, and then walk offset.
So now Kurt is left, all alone, tied between the giant boobs of a willow. He doesn't mind, though. "I don't even care!" he yells, reinforcing my point. He yells something random.
There's a funny noise as some more of Forge's equipment breaks, and the tree turns purple and... alive!
Author: No matter how many times I watch this movie (and that's a lot), this bit never fails to weird me out.
"Oh, oh," the tree turned Amanda sighs. She seems very pleased to find Kurt between her boobs. "Oh, I love you! I love you! Lovelovelovelovelove!"
"That's not much different then how she acts in the show," Kitty mutters.
"Oh, what have I done?" Kurt mumbles. "Hey, I'm not complaining."
"Always, always faithfulness beyond any man's deserving," Amanda declares, hugging him with her branches and pointedly ignoring Kitty (and Kurt's) protests. "I will keep the color of your eyes when no other in the world remembers your name... but they keep changing!" (7)
"Wow, originality," Kitty mutters. "Skank."
"What was that!" Amanda demands.
"Nothing," Kitty replies, whistling.
"There is no immortality but a tree's love," Amanda coos, deciding to ignore Kitty again.
"Oh, God," Kurt mumbles. "I'm engaged to a Douglas fir. Help, unicorn where are you!" Amanda caresses him with a strand of flowers.
Ororo comes out of her random bush and there's a crack of thunder and lightning and all that jazz. "Oh, galls and fire blight! She shall never have you, the hussy!" (8)
Kitty humphs in the background. Everyone ignores her.
"We will perish together!"
"Uh, no," Ororo mutters, walking against the wind. She touches the ropes with her horn and they fall away, and the tree stiffens up, going back to... y'know, being a tree.
Kurt follows after Ororo, looking extremely relieved.
"Did you see me?" Kurt stammers, in a QSC to deeper in the forest. "Were you watching? Did you see what I made?"
"Yes," Ororo agrees. "It was true magic."
"Yeah!" Kurt agrees, thrilled. "It's gone now, but I had it. It had me, but it's gone. I couldn't hold it."
"Amazingly," Ororo comments dryly to the camera, "he usually makes even less sense when he's excited.
"Amen t' dat," Remy agrees. "Cream cheese." He shakes his head, muttering to himself. (9) "And dat's a wrap, by the way!"
"Oh, yeah, quit before I really get a part," Kitty mutters.
"It's between a chapter that's slightly too short, or a longer chapter that the author's too lazy to write," Remy responds.
Author: Damn straight.
Kitty mutters something (it sounds like "I'm gonna go murder Amanda") and stalks off.
(Again, can you tell I'm not really a Kurmanda fan? Comics is good but Evo Amanda is rather annoying... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it, dammit!)
(1) ...PB, I -really- don't get why that's perverted, but okaaaay...
(2) Crack from "Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix."
(3) You see!
(4) Remy and Rogue were Robin and Marian in Toddfan's parody, "Mutants in Tights: A Parody of a Parody."
(5) The RLLT is some weird, threatening device from Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude's parody. DAMN that's a hassle to type.
(6) Line from "The Thief and the Cobbler", which is of course what "The Cajun and the Artist" parodies.
(7) My personal Evo animation bugbear- eyes are never the same color from screenshot to screenshot. Kurt's were originally yellow, but with pupils, and then they became black and white... it's really very confusing.
(8) "Galls and fire blight" is one of my favorite "can't swear here so this'll have to do" phrases.