Disclaimer: "Sweet dreams are made of cheese."

(An: I know, I know, I'm a pathetic slacker, etc. etc. I'll work on some real fics... eventually.)

"And here we get t' de random, Kitty-bitchy part," Remy comments, flipping through the script.

Author: I did say she was a jaded maid in the summary... and she's apparently the Greenwood bicycle or something in this story...

Kitty's eye twitches. "Leaving us so early, magician?" she asks, leaning against a tree with an "I need to kill someone" look.

Kurt and Ororo stop walking. Apparently, Ororo thinks that all bushes will hide her, even when someone's already seen her, because she ducks into one in a flash of shiny "I'm a unicorn! Whee!" light.

"No!" Kitty gasps. "Could it truly be? Oh!" Ororo realizes that she's been had and steps out from the bush. "Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you, where have you been!"

Ororo blinks, WTF-ly.

"Idunno, I don't get it either," Kitty whispers.

Kurt steps up in front of Ororo as Kitty runs at her. "Don't you talk to her that way."

"I am here now," Ororo responds, still with the WTF? look.

Kitty pushes past Kurt, laughing bitterly. "And where were you twenty years ago, ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to?"

"Kitty, I highly doubt you wereever an 'innocent young maiden,'" Rogue drawls. "Even before you were born."

Kitty pauses in her tirade to pull a face at Rogue.

"It's always de quiet ones," Remy mutters.

Kitty glares at him, and then pauses. "...What was my line?"

Remy flips through his script. "Somebody get Alex. She needs t' cry for dis bit."

Alex appears out of nowhere, holding some of his onions. He goes over and leans against a tree. The nasty smell of onions fills the air, and Kitty's eyes start to water. (1)

"How dare you!" Kitty gasps, sniffling. "How dare you come to me now, when I am this!" She starts to cry outright, and Ororo nuzzles her.

"It's a horsey kinda love," Alex comments. Kurt kicks him.

"Can you really see her?" Kurt asks. "Do you really know what she is?"

"If you had been waiting to see a unicorn as long as I have..." Kitty mumbles, sitting on the ground.

"She's the last unicorn in the world."

"And the only black one," Ororo proclaims, tossing her mane.

"It would be a black unicorn that came to Kitty Pryde," she mutters. Kitty stands, sweeping her hair back. She pats Ororo. "It's all right. I forgive you."

"Racist," Ororo mutters.

"Well, it's time for us to go now," Kurt says.

"I'm ready," Kitty replies.

Kurt looks distinctly annoyed. "You can't come with us! We're on a quest!"

"Can't I? Ask her."

"Oh, no, I'm staying out of this," Ororo mutters. "My hair is still regrowing from the last time I got involved in a mutant lover's spat."

"Never! I, Kurt the Magician, forbid it!" Then, of course, he ruins the effect by getting all tongue-tied. "And be wary of wowzing a wizard's wrath. Rousing a wizard's- be wary of making a magician angry! ...English is stupid!" He pauses to adjust his hat, which has fallen over his eyes. "If I chose, I could turn you into a frog!"

Kitty snickers. "As if, Kurt."

Kurt scowls.

"I should laugh myself sick. Have sense, man. What were you going to do with the last unicorn in the world? Keep her in a cage?"

Kurt turns away and sulks, crossing his arms. "Oh, you don't even know where we're going."

"We aren't going anywhere," Kitty responds. "We never shoot on location."

"Which will be de death of us all, since we have t' count on old Forgey here," Remy mutters in the background.

"Bite me," Forge snarls.

"Dude, you're a reclusive hippy inventor. Biting you would be a health hazard."

"Would not!"

"When's the last time you showered?"

"..."

"If you have to think about it, that's BAD." (2)

Ororo makes a threatening gesture at Remy's back with her horn.

"Do you think it matters to me?" Kitty says, trying to get them back on track. "...Ororo could practically say that."

Ororo glares at her.

"We are journeying to King Magneto's country to find the Orange Bull!" Kurt bursts out.

"Y' know, y' could just ask me," Remy says, and Rogue hits him.

"Well, you're going the wrong way," Kitty responds.

She and Ororo head off in the opposite direction.

There's a QSC from the forest to some rocky country. Kurt is pointedly walking in front of Kitty and Ororo, sulking again.

"I'm sorry, but you were going the wrong way, magician," Kitty points out.

"It was a shortcut," Kurt replies, in that "I'm a man and it's physically impossible for me to admit I'm lost" way.

Ororo shakes her head and does a horsey chuckle.

Some ominous music starts up as we see Magneto's castle.

"Magneto's fortress," Kurt supplies, rather pointlessly. "We'll be there tomorrow if we walk all night."

"Where does King Magneto keep the Orange Bull?" Ororo asks.

"In a crappy little apartment wit' de other Acolytes," Remy replies. "Geeze, 'Ro, how thick can y' be?" Rogue hits him. AGAIN. "Hey! We find him out in this chapter! I'm allowed to make asinine comments!"

"That was just for talking," Rogue responds.

Remy blinks, a WTF expression prominent on his face.

"I hear he roams at night," Kurt says, with a pointed glance at Remy, "and lies by day in a great cavern beneath the castle. But we'll know soon enough."

Ororo starts off down the path as Rogue strums her guitar.

"Didn't we already sing this?" Piotr asks, peering at his script.

"It's called a reprise," Remy responds. "Just sing it, d'accord? This is your second-to-last bit."

"Life is goood," Rogue says.

The group walks along the rocky path to King Mag's castle as Piotr sings.

"Moon rising
Disguising
Lonely streets in gay display"

"Wait, Northstar's not here, is he?" Bobby asks, looking around and seeming terrified. (3)

"No, and would y' stop bein' so goddamned paranoid!" Remy responds.

Kurt and Kitty are asleep against a tree, Kitty curled up in Kurt's cloak.

"The stars fade
The night shade
Falls and makes the world afraid"

We zoom in on Ororo, who is sprawled on the ground, fast asleep.

There's an ominous orange glow as Piotr sings, "It waits in silence for the sky
To explode
Here I am
On man's road"

The moon glows bright orange and then bursts into flame, which turns into the shape of a fiery orange bull.

Ororo awakes when she hears it growl.

Pyro pops out from behind a bush and waves. "I'm not actually the Orange Bull. I'm just controlling him. Genius, no?"

"No is short for nobody's supposed t' see y', John," Remy points out.

"Right, right, sorry." He ducks back behind his bush.

So, anyway, Ororo looks around as Kurt and Kitty wake up as well.

"Kurt, the light!" Kitty cries... yeah.

Right in front of King Mag's castle, the Ominous Orange Light spins around in a spinny, ominous-ring-of-death type way.

Ororo's chest and head is turned red... ish by the light and she (you guessed it) whinnies and rears.

Kitty and Kurt kind of freak, squishing together in terror and stuff.

Author: If you think about it, this scene really is very shippy. And yes, I know I've seen this movie waaaay too many times.

The spinny, ominous-ring-of-death flares up into a spike, and then explodes into the Orange Bull. Ororo, Kurt, and Kitty do that cowering in terror thing.

"John, honey, I think you're kinda pushin' it," Wanda comments, hands on her hips.

"Really?" John asks, cocking his head and inspecting his creation. "Because I thought it added the right touch, y'know?"

Wanda rolls her eyes and makes an "if you must" gesture.

The Orange Bull advances, and Ororo runs away. Kitty and Kurt really freak, downright hugging now in terror and stuff.

The Orange Bull (which is quite possibly the most FUGLY piece of animation in the universe) gallops at Ororo, totally missing Kitty and Kurt. They fall over anyway, though.

Ororo RLF past some reusable bushes, all red and glowy and freaking and stuff. (4)

The Orange Bull starts to catch up. Oh, dear.

"You'd better not singe me, Aussie!" Ororo yells, still RLF.

"It's amazing how she can keep up that speed and that tone of voice," Remy comments. (5)

"Yeah," Forge agrees, in a "proud parent" type tone.

Kurt and Kitty get up, watching in Utter Horror (tm).

Ororo gets trapped as the Bull suddenly comes out in front of her (gasp!). She runs back past Kitty and Kurt (back towards the CASTLE, in other words).

"Do something!" Kitty yells, backhanding Kurt.

"He's driving her! He can't wanna kill her or he'd have done it by now!"

Again, Ororo tries to escape and somehow the huge, lumbering Orange Bull blocks her escape.

"He's driving her the way he drove the others," Kurt goes on. "To the castle, to King Mags!"

"Please," Kitty begs. "Please! Do something!"

"What can I do? Do you think the Orange Bull likes card tricks?"

"I don't," Pyro comments from behind his bush. "Just for the record."

Wanda sighs, facepalming.

Ororo makes a few more bids for freedom, and then gives up, hanging her head and walking back towards the castle, all dejected-like. "My hair is getting singed," Ororo growls. In the background, there's a thunderclap.

Pyro squeaks and the Bull backs up a bit.

"Better."

"I thought y' said we couldn't use our powers in de weird random part forms," Remy whispers to Forge.

"I did it," Forge whispers back. "Anything they do to Ororo eventually will get done to me."

As the Orange Bull pushes Ororo onward (from a non-hair-singing distance), Kurt says, "If I could, I'd turn her into some other creature, some beast too humble for the Bull to be concerned with. But that would take a real magician with real magic! ...or good tech support!"

"HEY!"

"And I can't pretend anymore," Kurt goes on, ignoring Forge.

"But you do," Kitty says. "You have magic. Maybe you can't find it, but it's there! You called Robin Hood, and there is no Robin Hood!"

Remy looks up and makes an indignant noise. Everyone ignores him.

"You have all the power you need, if you dare look for it."

Ororo continues to look downtrodden and bedraggled. It really doesn't suit her. "Damn straight..."

Kitty grabs Kurt by the shoulders. "Please! It's not fair! ...we don't get to kiss in this, do we?"

Remy looks vaguely squicked at the notion. "NO! So don't go gettin' any ideas."

"Damn," Kurt mutters. Kitty just rolls her eyes.

"And we're done..." Remy announces.

Everyone else responds with WTF looks.

(I know this is a very bizarre spot to leave off, but my DVD is in very bad shape. It skips from this bit to the last non-character song, so I can't continue for a while. I'll update as soon as I get my hands on the library's copy of the movie, and then it'll be nice and normal again.)

(1) Since Alex is Stanley in "Holes", he's always dragging around some onions according to Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude's stuff.

(2) Forge is a hippy and a recluse. Neither of those are known for their showering habits. He's also a spacey inventor. Yeah.

(3) If you've read any of my humor fics and you still don't know who Northstar is... FOR SHAME!

(4) This is one of those TLAs I can't translate... I should really stop using it but it's stuck on my humor pattern... oh, well.

(5) Crack from "Ice Cream, Blackmail, and Flirts, Oh My!"