Disclaimer: "Well, I don't have treads, but sometimes, I catch them staring at places they really shouldn't be."
(An: I know, I know, it's been an age and a day since I worked on this, but that's because I have... issues with late books, and so it's rather hard for me to get to the library. At least the chapter is good and long.)
"Ok... so are we starting again now?" Ororo asks.
All the random extras look up from their card games/orgies/killing sprees and nod at Remy.
"Unfortunately, yes," Remy replies, flipping through his clipboard. "Come on, let's get this travesty over."
"Where were we?" Ororo yawns, getting up.
"Um... the part where you were RLF from the Orange Bull and Kitty was spazzing and stuff."
"Right, right."
So John flicks out his lighter and makes the Orange Bull and Ororo assumes a look of complete terror/subserviance. She starts to walk all begrudgingly and stuff as the Orange Bull drives her on.
Kurt gets all spazzy and stuff, making impressive, important-looking hand gestures. "Run! Run now! Run!" he yells.
There's a flash of lightning, burst of thunder, magic-y sound effects, yadda yadda yadda.
"I really should get payed more for this," Forge mutters.
"None of us get paid at all," Remy points out.
"Exactly! You can always have more than nothing!" (1)
"This makin' Gambit's head hurt..."
"How much did you have to drink?" Rogue demands.
"BEGONE!"
Rogue pulls a face at him.
"Remy need a beer," Gambit mutters, stalking off.
"...STAND-IN!" Ororo yells after a moment.
Author: A) You're supposed to be getting harrassed by the Bull right now and B) WTF am I supposed to get a new director from?
Ororo nods at all the people sitting around doing nothing.
Author: ...this is true.
All of the mentioned lazy people look up, and there is a quick scramble.
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
Ok, so maybe not that quick.
Anyway, the only one left, bound and gagged, is Bobby, clutching Mr. Cuddles in his teeth.
"Leave the man his dignity, at least!" JP cries in the background. "...Wait..." (2)
"MMMPH!" Bobby yells at the sight of said random French dude. He begins to try to worm away.
"Absolute power," Kitty points out.
"Mmmph?" Bobby asks.
Author: I don't speak worm. Somebody-
JP reaches over and rips the ductape off his mouth, totally deadpan.
Author: Nice. Very nice.
"ARGH!" Bobby yells.
"Suck it UP!" the rest of the cast replies.
Bobby rubs his lips, muttering something, then says, "Well, what I asked was what is HE doing here and can I get rid of him?"
Author: He's a cameo and no, you may not.
"But-"
Dramatic music plays.
Author: Good job, Jamie.
"Do I get a cookie now?" he demands.
Author: Better. You get to go scrape up Remy!
"But-"
Author: I give you all rights to mock him.
"Yay!" Jamie fairly skips off.
Bobby sits down in Remy's chair. "This is the BIG director's chair, right?"
"Yep," says Forge. "I sure do miss that chair..." (3)
"Don't care!" Bobby replies. "Back to business."
So, anyway, there is a random shot of Ororo being chased, then back to Kurt, who is looking rather spaz-worthy. There's another big flash of lightning, some break-the-keys piano music, and Kurt falls over.
"Kurt!" Kitty yells. "...Ok, how many times do I have to do this?"
Bobby flips through the script. "Not as many as in Thief and the Cobbler, no worries."
"Good."
So, there's a random shot of the Orange Bull roaring, and Kitty goes over to help Kurt up.
"What have you done?" Kitty demands. Apparently, she knows what the random Orange Bull moment was about.
We move past the Orange Bull and see- NAKED ORORO! GAH!
Everyone in the cast quickly averts their eyes (except Forge, of course). "That's right, you'd better look away!"
"You're a very possessive boyfriend, are you not?" says JP.
"Damn straight!"
Bobby eeps. "What are you still doing here! You're a cameo!"
"Actually, I'm here for as long as the author wants me to be," JP replies. "She wanted a way to let out some of her obsessive fangirlism after reading 'Caffeine and Saccharine'." (4)
"Stupid farging mansex," Bobby mutters, sulking.
"Where?" Toad and Lance both demand.
There is a pause as all of the others simultaneously O.o.
"We just thought... you know..." Lance says, having a MAJOR sweatdrop moment. "With all the weird slash jokes a few chapters back..."
"Er, yeah!" Todd agrees. "Let's go with that!"
"And to think, I've been paired with both these idiots!" Kitty cries. (5)
"Um... why don't we get back to something less disturbing, hmm?"
"But... it's Ororo. And... she's naked," Kitty says.
"If you find that disturbing, then you have problems," says Forge.
"Eeeew."
"No, then she's a lesbian," Ororo says from the ground.
"Where!" Tabitha cries.
There is another pause.
"It's not like you didn't already know!" Tabby cries.
"...This is true," Bobby admits. "But it's still kinda creepy."
"DISCRIMINATION!" JP and Tabby yell in unison.
"Can we PLEASE get on with this!" Ororo yells. "There are rocks rubbing into places they REALLY shouldn't be!"
Forge's eyes glaze over for a minute.
"AND DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE THAT!"
"Sorry," says Forge.
"Somebody's whipped," Kurt comments.
There is another random burst of lightning, right next to Kurt.
"If you've singed me-!"
Forge just shrugs.
Well, anyway, Kitty goes over by Ororo and scoops her up. Naked and unconcious. This does NOT look good on her track record. She's all skinny and graceful-looking and stuff. And naked. Can't forget extremely disturbing this-is-an-f-ing-G-movie! naked.
"What have you done? What have you done!" Kitty cries. Awfully fond of repeating herself, this one...
Anyway, she brushes Ororo's hair away from her forehead, revealing a this-is-obviously-important star-shaped scar.
"What do you mean, what have I done? Only saved her from the Orange Bull by magic, that's all I've done! By magic! By my own true magic!" Yeah... Kurt's getting a little flustered now. He stands up and starts to pace, waving his arms and ranting, the whole nine yards. "Doubtless, you are wondering how I plan to return her to her proper shape! Well, wonder not! The power will come to me whenever I need it. And one day, one day, it will come to me when I call! You were right! You were right!"
"I didn't know you meant to turn her into a human girl!" Kitty snaps.
"The Orange Bull came for a unicorn, so she had to become something else. The magic chose the shape, not I." Kurt does a girly twirly dance. "I am a bearer! I am a dwelling! I am a messenger! I am STRAIGHT!" he yells at JP, who looks intrigued.
"Merde."
"You are an idiot!" Kitty yells. Ooh. Nice one.
"No cheap-shot rimshot, then?" Pyro asks, holding his drumsticks and looking disappointed.
Wanda just stares at him.
"Aw, MAN!"
"Do you hear me! You've lost her! You've trapped her in a human body! She'll go mad!"
"Is that a change?" Bobby asks.
"Please?" Pyro begs.
"Yeah, that was a pretty cheap shot," Wanda admits. "Ok."
"Yay!" A drumset appears out of the nothingness of the set and John does a rimshot.
Ororo stirs and makes a funny little groaning noise. "Never mix tequila and downers, kids," she mutters.
Everyone glares at Forge. "What?"
"Well... you know... you're on drugs and everything," Bobby says.
"I AM NOT!" Forge yells.
"So... you're this crazy... naturally?"
"Well... yeah!"
There is a third pause.
"Is it really that much of a surprise?"
Everyone pauses and blinks. "No... not really no," they all admit.
"Oh..." Ororo whispers. She tries to stand (her hair conviently covering all non-G-rated parts), wobbles, and falls over.
"I can change her back, don't worry about it, I can change her back." Kurt looks particularly pathetic at this point.
"What have you done to me?" Ororo asks.
"Oh, no, oh please, no..." Kitty sobs. "I cry a lot in this movie, huh."
"Yep," Bobby says.
"I... I couldn't think of anything else to do to save you," Kurt says.
Ororo touches her forehead and starts to spaz. "What have you done to me? I'm a unicorn! I'm a unicorn!" She hugs herself (again, conviently) and starts rocking back and forth.
"She's a nutter! She's a nutter!" Bobby cries.
"Wow," says Jubilee. "Forge must have left some residual smartness on the chair."
"That's just not nice," Bobby mutters, beginning to sulk again.
"Don't!" Kitty says, grabbing her. "Don't, you'll hurt yourself!"
"Be still! The magic knew what it was doing. In this shape alone you have some hope of reaching King Mags and finding out what became of the other unicorns," Kurt interrupts, sounding for once as though he knows what he's talking about. "For once?"
Kitty just stares at him.
Kurt is Not Amused.
Ororo interrupts with another spaz-fit. "I wish you had let the Orange Bull take me! I wish you had left me to the harpy! I can feel this body dying all around me!"
"But it's only for a little while, I promise you," says Kurt, sounding all "eheh... oops" again. "Soon you'll have your true shape again, forever."
"Why not now? Kurt, you can't let her stay like this. You can't possibly!" Kitty cries.
"Why not? Unless you think you could defeat the Bull if you met him again."
"No... but I am afraid of this human body, more than I was of the Orange Bull... afraid." Somehow, while she says this, Kurt's coat gets transferred from him to her, without either of them coming within five feet of each other. Now that's magic.
Soooo... we see King Mags's castle. For those of you who have never seen this movie, it's perched precariously on a precipice (alliteration is fun!) above the sea, and it generally looks like it's all going to collapse at any moment. We zoom in on it, up to a tower where Magneto and Forge are standing.
"If you pull any old jokes-!"
Author: You'll what? Throw your bucket at me?
Magneto holds up a finger. After a minute, the finger goes down. "...I find no forthcoming retort to that. I am getting old."
Author: Hah!
Anyway, Magsy looks down from his spyglass onto the midgets below. "A man... and TWO women? Wow. Kurt deserves his pimp hat after all."
"He has a pimp hat?" Forge asks.
"Third bathroom on the left," Kurt whispers.
"Right."
"Coming here?" Mags asks.
Forge stares down at Ororo in that this-forebodes-shipping way. You know what I mean, right? "The young girl... she looks so strange... she has a newness."
When Our Heroes get to the door, Mags and Forge bar the way, Mags drawing his knife and saying, "Give your names."
"I am Kurt the Magician," says Kurt, bowing. "This is Kitty Pryde, my helper, and this... this is... this is... the Lady Ororo."
"Thank God Jamie's not around," Rogue mutters.
"We seek audience with King Mags," Kurt says, and then adds, "actually, we'd all rather run as far away as we can in the opposite direction, but the author won't let us."
Author: Damn straight!
"State your business with King Mags," Magneto says. "I can't believe I have to call myself that!"
Author: You could've been King Maggie, would you have preferred that?
After a moment, Mags decides it's probably best to keep his mouth shut.
"I will but to King Mags himself."
This apparently satisfies Mags, who turns and leads them into the castle. Ororo stares down at the sea until Kitty drags her along behind them.
So they're going up a rickety staircase over a giant sea beneath them, when all of a sudden the castle starts rumbling.
"What's that?" Kitty cries.
"Yeah, no, it's all right, it's just the Bull," Forge says. He's allowed to be a little indecisive, since Kitty was the one who asked but Ororo is the one he talks to.
"This is King Mags's throne room," Magneto says, when they finally get up there. He points at a place that is adorned with cobwebs and a skull-patterned bedroom set. Pleasant.
"Throne room?" Kurt asks. "This is a cell! This is a tomb!"
This is tacky!" Kitty adds.
"Hey-" Forge starts, but Magneto cuts him off.
"No, no, they've got a point..."
"No respect, no respect," Forge mutters.
"Take us to King Mags!" Kurt says. "No, that's all right, please don't... he's a dirty old man!"
Magneto's eye twitches slightly as he takes off his helmet. "I am King Mags. This is Prince Forge, my son."
Forge takes off his own helmet and says, in a much less melodramatic tone, "Hi, glad to meet you."
"What is your concern with me?"
"YOU'RE AN F-ING DIRTY OLD MAN!" Kurt yells (6)
Kitty facepalms. "I am embarrased to be seen with someone so half-assed."
"Why do people call me a dirty old man?" Mags asks of the ceiling, looking depressed. "I didn't do anything! I scrub myself every day!"
Forge stares at him. "You just don't get it."
"We seek, sire, to enter your service," says Kurt, who has apparently gotten himself back under control. He bows.
"I need no servants."
"Oh, but surely, sire, a magician! A fine cook! A touchy lady unicorn!"
"Ixnay on the upidstay," Kitty hisses, stepping on his foot.
"Who you callin' upidstay!" Kurt cries. (7)
Ororo, however, apparently decides to let it slide. "I'm in a very Zen mood right now," Ororo says. "The aspirin I took during the five-minute scramble have also begun to kick in." (8)
"You are losing my interest, and that is very dangerous," Mags says.
"Yeah, he could fall asleep!" Forge whispers, and Magneto kicks him.
"My court consists of four men-at-arms."
"Well, where are they?" Kurt asks.
"Bound and gagged under the throne to make arcane sacrifices to summon Claudia Schiffer," Forge replies.
It's just a day for O.o moments, really it is.
"Four? But the pleasures of the court, sire! The music, the talk, the hunts and the balls and the great feasts!" Kurt says.
"You would mention feasts," Kitty sighs. "I always get paired with such IDIOTS!"
Piotr looks up from being underappreciated and whimpers.
"Sorry, Piotr, but it's true," Kitty replies.
Piotr sniffles. "I'M SO UNLOVED!"
"Yep," JP agrees. "You were dead way longer than I was!"
"You're not helping."
"And you're hot." (9)
Piotr twitches.
"They mean nothing to me!" Magneto says, sitting down in his throne and looking distinctly bored. "I have known them all, and they have not made me happy. I will keep nothing near me that does not make me happy. ...I also keep one magician."
"Oh, a magician. Huh. What's his name?" Kurt asks.
"He is called Baldy. He is known in his trade as the magician's magician. Or as very, very bald. I am sending out signals to see if the readers can guess before I go on here... I can see no reason at all to replace him with some vagrant, nameless, clownish-"
"Well, that's nice," Kurt mutters, huffing.
"I can," Kitty says. "He doesn't, this marvelous Baldy, doesn't make you happy."
"This is true," Magneto agrees. "He has cold hands."
"ARGH!" all the rest of the cast yells.
"Wha-at?" Magneto asks.
Author: That's just sick, even for me... eurgh.
"Kitty, be still!" Kurt hisses.
"How would you know?" Magneto asks.
"Well, just look at you!" Kitty says.
"Kitty!" Kurt yells, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Are you sure we don't get to kiss in this?"
Author: NO!
"Did you hear that, Baldy?" Magneto asks, apparently of no one. Forge twirls a finger around his ear and whistles.
"Which part?" Xavier's voice says.
"The part about you being insulted, you telepathic idiot!"
"Oh. Right."
"THAT'S YOUR CUE!"
"Oh... heheh. Right."
"You said that."
"Yeah, but I added a heheh. There's a difference."
"How much Prozac did you GIVE these two?" Kurt asks Bobby.
"Um... a lot... there's none left..." Ma-hay-hay-jor sweatdrop moment.
"NOOO!" Wolverine cries. (10)
So, anyway, Xavier appears in a puff of smoke in his Merlin costume. But still in his wheelchair, of course. "What does your majesty wishes of me?" He spots Kurt and grins... it's kinda creepy. "Kurt, my dear boy! How nice to see you!"
"DIRTY OLD MEN!" Kurt shrieks.
"Oy vey," Kitty mutters, facepalming.
"He has come to take your place," Magneto says, interrupting Kurt's spazzing and Kitty's humiliation. "He is now my royal magician."
"See?" Kitty whispers.
Kurt grabs her by the shoulders again. "Shh!" he hisses.
"The legendary Kurt? The runeless wonder? I realize your majesty is a great collector of... oddities... but-"
"The woman is right," Magneto says. "A master magician has not made me happy. I will see what an incompetent one can do. You may go."
"I am not packed off as easily as that!" There is a flash of smoke and more magic-y sound effects as Xavier raises his arms.
Ororo, who has been standing by the window staring at the sea this whole time, looks over at them.
Xavier's attention turns to her, and Forge steps in front of her. But she steps in front of him and there is another of those WTF-is-up-with-this! flashes of light, but from the scar on her forehead this time.
Xavier stops, and starts to cackle madly.
"Actually, I think it's rather off-form," Pyro comments in the background. Wanda kicks him.
"Come on, old man," says Forge, taking his arm. "I'll write you a reference."
"Mags, I would not be you for all the world!" Xavier chuckles. You have let your doom in by the front door, but it shall not depart that way! Farewell, poor Mags. Farewell!" There is a small implosion as Xavier disappears... and reappears over top of Magneto, falling behind the throne. "ARGH!"
"Heheh..." Magneto mutters.
"FORGE!"
"I'm not running the special effects anymore," Forge points out.
"Then who is?" everyone else demands (except Xavier, who is too busy making death threats on Forge slash moaning in pain, and Magneto, who is laughing his head off).
Forge points, and we see Alex bob his head at everyone present.
"Oh, God," Kitty and Kurt mutter in unison, facepalming.
"He does about as well," Forge points out. "Wait..."
Ororo snickers, and then goes back to being Stoic Unicorn Woman.
So Magneto comes over by her...
"Don't!" Ororo cries, whirling on him. "Dammit, I miss my pervert skewer."
Author: Now pay attention. This is a plot point coming up.
"I will not touch you. What are you looking at?" Magneto asks.
"The sea," Ororo replies. "Are you blind as well as perverted?"
In the background, Pyro does another rimshot. "Two!" he crows.
"Ah, yes, the sea is always good. There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea." He stares at Ororo (who is making threatening gestures at him) and into her eyes... whoooa, super close-up on them, in which we see all the bears and squirrels and dodos of her forest. Okiedokie then!
Apparently, these freaky animal-style contacts weird out Magneto, because he cries, "What is the matter with your eyes? Why can I not see myself in your eyes?"
"Perverted and narcissistic? This man does not have a lot going for him," JP comments.
Bobby grins. "Actually, I was thinking he was a lot like you."
"..." says JP.
"Oh, boy," Jubilee mutters. "The smartness must've warn off."
"DEATH TO YOU, RANDOM HOT GUY!" JP tackles Bobby and a scuffle ensues. I like the word ensue.
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
Bobby is tied to a pole and... we'll not go into that.
Anyway, JP has taken over his director's chair. He winks at the camera. "Absolute power is kind of neat."
"Who is she?" Mags demands, whirling on Kitty and Kurt.
"Oh, sire, the Lady Ororo is my niece... uh... yeah!" Kurt says, having a sweatdrop moment of his very own.
"I want to know who she is!" Magneto thunders. Yeah, that made sense.
"Father, what difference does it make? She's here now," Forge points out.
"For once, you are right. She is here. They are all here. And whether they mean my doom or not, I will look at them, for a while," Magneto says. "You may come and go as you please. My secrets guard themselves. Will yours do the same."
"Say, I know where there is some cloth- fine satin," Forge says to Ororo, having apparently realized that she's naked under her clothes. You could make a dress. Please, lady, what can I do for you? Trust me."
Ororo just stares at him. You're going to have to get used to reading that, because she does it a lot in the next bits.
"Ok, to recap," JP says, "Xavier and Magneto are dirty old men, Lance and Toad aren't quite walking the straight and narrow, Tabitha is not straight- but we knew that, and Remy is long-gone. All in all, a good chapter!"
(Nice and long too- almost twenty pages. I promise to have more updates! I want to finish this before year's end. Merry Chrishannukwa!)
(1) Alice in Wonderland quote. If you did not recognize this, you deserve to be shot.
(2) Have I explained JP? Oh, well, if you're this far you already get it.
(3) Forge was the director in QFS, and there were many scuffles for his chair between him and Di.
(4) "Caffeine and Saccharine" is the BEST JP/Bobby story ever. Period. Except for the smutty parts. I did not actually READ the smutty parts, mind you, because I like my mind the state it is, but still.
(5) Lancitty is a duh, and apparently Toddfan has a Todditty under her belt. Which makes me O.o, but still.
(6) I wish not to go over the swear word count, and I've been using f-ing a lot anyway since I said something using it in French class and the guy in front of me told me to tone down the f-ings.
(7) This is from The Lion King, and I'm hoping that it is enough of a hint for the Party who is being Adressed (PwibA) will pick up on it, because the PwibA has had at least three months to do what the PwibA was supposed to do, and has not.
(8) This is from the deleted scenes on Mean Girls.
(9) An alternate version of JP had a thing for Colossus.
(10) Crack from my latest Stupid Songfic (Sam singing "Ohio" by Bowling For Soup; found on the Nutboard... ;D) in which Logan is bribed with Prozac. Lots of it.