Burdens

Over a week later, just before sunset, we tramped up to the travelers' rest on the Calm Lands. Located far from any building materials that could be used to make a hut, the rest station here was instead dug into the ground -- a natural cave had been enlarged and made more comfortable, probably centuries ago. I was surprised to find the area occupied by a handful of Al Bhed. Their apparent leader, a deeply tanned man whom I guessed to be in his late thirties, bowed politely to us as we approached.

"Welcome to Rin's Travel Agency," he said in proficient but oddly accented Spiran. "Do you require lodgings for the evening? For a small fee, we will provide you with a clean bed and a hearty dinner."

I scowled at his impertinence. "You would charge a summoner on a pilgrimage for access to a travelers' rest?"

"Oh!" He straightened up, then bowed again, much more deeply this time and with a prayer gesture. "My apologies, my lord, I did not realize."

Lord Braska waved him upright and said something in Al Bhed. The two of them then carried on a brief conversation, of which I understood almost nothing, although I did catch Tessa's name. When they had finished, Braska turned to us with a smile. "Rin has invited us to be his guests for the evening."

"Thank you," I said to our host with a simple bow.

"It is my pleasure," he replied. "Any service for my Lord Braska, who made such a courageous attempt to reach out to my people. Not every summoner is even willing to patronize my establishment. Why, not an hour ago, a troupe of warrior monks refused to spend the night here, choosing instead to camp on the dangerous open plains!"

"I apologize for the poor behavior of my fellow followers of Yevon. Such baseless prejudice... it is a shame," said Braska, shaking his head.

"Indeed. They were lead by their second in command, and he seemed willing to stay, but the men rebelled completely. So he chose not to face possible mutiny and led them away instead."

Slowly, I registered what this man Rin had just said. "Second in command?" I asked. "Second Commander Kinoc, you mean?"

The Al Bhed nodded. "I believe that was the name, yes. They headed to the south. I'm surprised that you did not pass them on the way."

Braska said something in reply, but I could hear nothing over the sound of blood rushing in my ears. Kinoc, only an hour away, probably less since I could cover ground alone much faster than he could with a squadron in tow. I turned on my heel and headed south, first walking with long strides but soon breaking into a run. "Hear this, friend," I said under my breath. "I am coming for you!"

I hadn't traveled twenty paces when something knocked me down from behind. My face hit the dirt, grass and dust filling my mouth as I struggled to free myself from the one who held me down. It didn't take long for me to push him off and get to my feet. It was Jecht, of course, and he stood as well, taking advantage of his quickness to snatch at my arms before I could strike him, pulling them behind my back and forcing us both to our knees. It was an effective hold; I could have broken out using all my strength, but I probably would have dislocated his shoulders and snapped a bone in the process.

"Dammit, Jecht, let me go!"

"No," he said, his voice infuriatingly calm in my ear.

"Kinoc is mine!" I attempted to twist away. "You cannot deny me this!"

"I can and I will. You already busted me out of a prison cell once. I'd rather not hafta return the favor."

Part of me heard and understood the sense of his words. But my rational mind was overwhelmed by fury and my need for vengeance, and I continued my struggle. I had no doubt that I could outlast Jecht -- eventually he would tire, his grip would loosen, and I could break free without damaging either of us. I could already feel his arms starting to slip...

"Auron."

The gentle voice cleared my mind enough that I could focus on the face of Braska. The summoner had knelt down in front of me, and he reached out, laying hands on my shoulders. My anger started melting away, transforming into a deep sadness.

"Please, my lord," I said. "Please, let me go. You know what he did to me, to Relle, to my family."

"I do know." He looked into my eyes. "I know the power of burning anger, of hatred, of desire for revenge. I know."

"Then why--"

He interrupted me. "Because I also know that Kinoc was your friend once, as close to you as a brother. And as angry as you are, as badly as you may want to kill him with your bare hands right now, if he dies by your hand, I think you will always regret it."

I raised my head and stared into the reddening sky. I wasn't sure that was true, but what if it was? How far would I go for my revenge?

"Besides," Braska continued, "I am also your friend, and I need you on my journey. I cannot do this without you. Please, Auron. As your friend, and as your lord, I ask you to set Kinoc aside for now. Once Sin is defeated, you may deal with him as you see fit. We are nearly to Mt. Gagazet; it will only be a little while longer."

The last of the rage drained from me at these words, at this reminder of his impending death, and I slumped, my head dropping, my eyes closing. Jecht finally released me, and I heard him stand and walk away as Braska drew me into his arms. I felt my lord's inner strength wash over me, and I took comfort from it as I embraced him in return, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Ah, old friend," he said, his tone tender. "It has been a hard time for both of us. But all this will be over soon. Spira will be freed from Sin, you will return to your wife, I will reunite with mine. And all will be well, I promise you."

As I clung to him for a few moments more, drawing on his resolve, I prayed that he was right.

Slowly, Paine opened the door from the backyard with one hand, balancing her stack of plates in the other. The house was dark, lit only by the waxing moon. A shadowy figure stood before the kitchen window, head down, hands resting on the counter. Paine set the dishes down on the table and took a few steps towards her husband.

"Baralai?" she asked tentatively. "Are you all right?"

She could see his shoulders tense further as he pressed harder into the countertop. "Why didn't you tell me the whole truth?" His voice was quiet, but his tone was hard.

"Because I was afraid of exactly this reaction," Paine admitted. "But keeping it from you was a mistake. I'm sorry."

Baralai said nothing, only raised his head and looked out the window in silence.

Paine walked up next to him, taking a place nearby but without touching him. "Why do you still hate him so much?"

"I don't hate Kinoc." Baralai continued to gaze out the window at the moonlit Highroad as Paine looked at him. "I fear him."

Paine shook her head. "Baralai. Kinoc is dead. He is gone. I saw Yuna send him myself, five years ago in the Via Infinito. You know that. There's no need to be afraid of him -- he can 't hurt you, or me, or anyone else, ever again."

"You don't understand." He turned to her then, eyes dark pools in his drawn face, moonlight catching his white hair and making it glow. "I'm afraid of becoming him." Paine's breath caught at this confession as he continued. "I am just as capable of scheming, of betrayal. When we escaped the cave, I could have walked away, made an honest life for myself. Instead, I went back and ingratiated myself with evil, all for the sake of power and revenge. Then Yevon foundered, and I let another opportunity to escape get away, eventually becoming the leader of a New Yevon almost as bad as the old. And is what I do now any better?" He lowered his eyes again. "Winn told me tonight that she's going to step down as High Councilor when her term ends next year. She's suggested that I run for the position. And I want it, Paine. I want to lead Spira's government, to play a key part in shaping this world. And my desire scares me to death. What if I turn out to be just as power-hungry as Kinoc, just as evil?"

"You won't." Paine reached out and took his hands. "How can you compare yourself to him? You are an honorable man, with a good heart. Kinoc was a monster."

"Was he, truly?" Baralai shook his head. "He was a man, a man like any other, even a good man. I saw them together a few times, you know, Kal and Kinoc and Auron, when they served Bevelle. They were friends, brothers. It made a real impression on me, the camaraderie that they shared. Would the betrayal have cut so deeply if their friendship had not once been true? No. I think something changed Kinoc. Something gave him a lust for power, a desire so great that he would take down anyone to get it, starting with his best friend."

"Maybe so." Paine moved her hands higher up his arms, stroking them. "And maybe those same seeds are in you, buried somewhere. But nothing says that you need to plant them, or help them grow." She cocked her head to one side with a small smile. "Plus, you have something the Maester didn't."

"What?"

"Me." She brushed the hair at his temples with her fingers. "If you start grasping for too much power, if you so much as think about betraying a friend, I will be the first person in line to kick your ass."

Baralai's face softened. "I expect nothing less from you."

"It's a promise, then."

He reached for her and kissed her deeply, fingers twisting into her hair, seeking reassurance in her arms. She gave him everything he sought and more, there in a puddle of moonlight on the kitchen floor.

In the rays of that same moon, Liss lay awake in her bed, thoughts of the last few days running through her head and keeping her from sleep.

Once past the unpleasant discussion of Kinoc, lunch with Kal had been wonderful. He'd told many stories of Auron as a warrior monk, and now she had a much clearer picture of her father as a bold young man to go with the older, more sober guardian that Yuna and Tidus had described to her, as well as with that of the boy her mother would talk about occasionally. The only piece missing now, really, was the time of the first pilgrimage, his journey with Lord Braska and Sir Jecht, and since all the participants were long dead, she suspected that time would always remain a mystery to her.

Still, none of this was a true substitute for meeting the man and getting to know him. Why had he done the things he did? What were his hopes, his dreams, his regrets? How had he felt about the events of his life?

Such thoughts had plagued her before, but rarely did they keep her up at night, tossing and turning like this. But ever since receiving her mother's letter, she had slept little and poorly, wakeful as she pondered these questions.

In the bunk on the other side of the room, Maura snorted softly and turned over. She mumbled something, then fell back into a deep sleep.

Not wanting to disturb her friend with her restlessness, Liss threw off the covers, slipped her feet into sandals, and quietly went out the door. She leaned back against the hallway wall, then slid down, coming to rest on the floor. Drawing her knees up, she dropped her head down on them, then heard a whisper. "Liss?"

She looked up to see Kenna approaching, shoes in her hand as she attempted to tiptoe down the hallway. Repparu, a whippet-thin boy of medium height and few words, the only other Al Bhed in their cohort of recruits, was with her.

"Victory party go past curfew?" Liss whispered back with a smile.

Kenna nodded, then took a seat on the ground next to Liss. "They probably won't care tonight," she said, voice still quiet, "but better not to take chances."

Repparu nodded. "G'night." He silently opened the door to the room he shared with Sam. He slid inside, and the door snicked shut.

"What're you doing up?" Kenna asked.

"Just thinking," said Liss.

"The letter still?" Liss nodded, and Kenna sighed -- Liss had told her the story last night, after the party. " Cfaadea, I know it was hard to learn the truth. But it all happened years ago; you need to move on."

"I know, and I'm working on it." Liss dropped her knees and shifted into a cross-legged position. "Commander Kal -- Sam's uncle, he was a friend of my father's, you'll meet him tomorrow -- made me feel better about some things. But still, I wonder how he really felt about it all. And that's something I can never know."

Kenna patted her friend's leg. "Yeah." She tipped her head back, touching it to the wall. "Is it weird, missing someone you never really knew? I mean, I miss my parents, but at least I remember the people I'm missing."

Liss picked at a scab on her knee for a moment. Then she looked over at Kenna. "Yes. It's very weird. Sometimes, I think what I really miss is the idea of having a father, not the man himself so much. But other times, like when people who did know him start telling stories and get that sad, far-away look, I really regret not having the chance to know him. Not some abstract father, but the actual person. Auron." She spoke his name aloud so rarely that it sounded odd to her, almost foreign. Not at all like it did when other people said it.

"Mm." Kenna's hand rested on her leg again, for longer this time. "Well. I hate to leave you alone, but we do have early class tomorrow. You'll be okay?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Good." She stood with a grin. "It'd be better if you were staying up late thinking about Sam."

Shaking her head, Liss laughed under her breath. "You and Maura never give up, do you?"

"Well, you shouldn't give up either. Sam really likes you."

Liss lifted her eyebrows, surprised by how much this information pleased her. "You think so?"

"I know so." Kenna's smile became much more self-satisfied. "He told Repparu." She giggled at the look on Liss's face. "Aha! I knew it. Sweet dreams, Liss." And she disappeared into her own room.

Slightly dazed, Liss wandered back to bed and at long last relaxed into sleep.

The beds were comfortable and the company pleasant -- Rin was a fascinating and ambitious fellow with plans to buy all the travelers' huts from Yevon as he had here and at Macalania -- but I still woke with a fierce headache and said little over breakfast.

As we were finishing, Lord Braska noticed my silence. "Head bothering you?" he asked. When I nodded, he stood from the table and laid a hand on my shoulder. He spoke a soft incantation, and I felt cool tendrils of healing magic slip up my neck and into my skull, swirling around the pain and then taking it away.

I sighed with relief. "Thank you, my lord," I said, "but you should save your energy."

"It will replenish quickly enough," he replied, "and you needed the help. Will you be ready to go soon?"

"Whenever you and Jecht are ready."

"Good." He smiled. "I've spoken with some of the employees here, and they've pointed out the most direct route to Gagazet. If all goes well, we should be at the base of the mountain within two days."

Two days. I watched him go to fetch Jecht, who was restocking our supplies, and felt a rush of panic. All the lore suggested that it would take another three to four days to climb the mountain, then a day or two to descend. Then Zanarkand. If all went according to plan, we would be there in just over a week. Braska would call the Final Aeon, fight Sin, then die. And I would lose him forever.

I shook myself to clear my head of these useless thoughts. I had known what I was agreeing to when Braska asked me to be his guardian. I would miss him, of course I would. But a summoner's life was the price of the Calm. If my lord was willing to be the man to pay it, who was I to say that he shouldn't? Besides, if I continued this worrying, I would undo his efforts to heal my headache.

With a single swallow, I finished my coffee and went to finish my preparations for the last leg of the journey.