Disclaimer: "Put your head between your knees and-" "Kiss your bum goodbye!"

(There are not one but TWO songs (well, two and a reprise). Because I wanted to get them all out of the way. You may think it's a pain to read through them, but it's more of a pain to have to listen to them. Besides, you can start a support group or something.)

"Ok," Remy says. "Earplugs?"

"Check," Kurt says.

"Those noise-muffling headphones?"

"Check," Kurt says.

"Alcohol?"

"Very check," Kurt says.

"Great! Now we can start!"

Now, pay attention, this is all foreboding right here...

"You are cruel to him," Kitty says.

For the fifth time? I think, Ororo is staring out at the sea.

"You might give him a gentle word, at the very least," she goes on.

Flick over to King Mags, watching them... he really is a dirty old man!

"I am not a dirty old man!" Mags shrieks.

"Yes, you are," all the rest of the cast says.

"Feh," Mags mutters. Oh, look, he's gone all cross now! "Bite me."

"Ew," says Kurt. "You would taste all kinky!"

"Kinky only works for a very few people," says Forge, preening.

"He only wishes you to think of him," says Kitty, obviously squicked by Forge's apparent kinkiness.

"And here comes the song intro..." Remy groans.

"Kitty," Ororo says, "who am I?"

"Man, this chick has a real problem with her identity," Kitty mutters.

"You're supposed to be sympathetic to my plight here, not sarcastic!"

"Don't care!"

"Why am I here? What is it that I am seeking in this strange place, day after day? I knew a moment ago, but I have forgotten."

"The unicorns," Kitty answers. "If you are not the only black one."

"LINE!" Remy yells, at the same time Ororo yells "DISCRIMINATION!"

"It was a cue for a CSRS," Kitty replies, crossing her arms.

John, in the background, obliges.

"If you are not the last," Kitty says. "Satisfied?"

"Once" Ororo sings, starting to sniffle, "I can't remember
I was long ago
Someone strange"

She stumbles into an adjacent room, where there is (you guessed it) a rearing unicorn in a wave. But not on the ceiling, on the wall in a (coughcough) oddly familiar tapestry.

She touches the unicorn's horn. "I do so miss my pervert skewer," she mutters. "I was innocent and wise
And full of pain"

Unfortunately, the non-circular-ness of the rooms doesn't last, because she looks up at the ceiling and there are the same paintings from Haggard's throne room. How boring.

"I'm sorry," Remy says in the background, "did y' just call yourself innocent, 'Ro?"

"It was in the song lyrics! And I was innocent... once... when I was like, three!"

"M' point," Remy agrees.

Ororo sticks her tongue out at him. "Now that I'm a- wait, what? Are you sure this song is about unicorns? Because it sure sounds like one about transvestites to me!"

"Where!" says Magneto.

Author: -facepalms-

Remy looks at the script. "Yep, it's about unicorns... you know, this was made in the seventies and all..."

Forge looks up, distinctly P.O.'ed. "And what is the matter with the seventies?"

"Nobody could decide what gender they wanted to be then," Remy replies, missing the "I'm going to KILL you" beams coming out of Forge's eyes. "I mean, they came out with 'De Joy of Cooking' and 'De Joy of Sex' in de same year! That's just askin' for trouble!"

"His accent makes a reappearance," Rogue says. "It's a very rare thing."

Author: ...HEY!

"Her intellect makes a reappearance," Bobby agrees. "That's even rarer."

Author: You just said that... and you're insulting MY intelligence?

Bobby eeps.

Author: The gates of Hades swing wide and from them come...

"JEAN-PAUL!" JP yells, appearing in a Kurt-esque puff of smoke. "I love making big entrances."

"Kill me, please," Bobby says to Jubilee.

"No, I'm having too much fun with this," Jubilee replies, holding up a video camera and smirking.

"You can keep that if you promise to give me half the profits," JP says.

"Thirty percent."

"Deal."

"Oh, God," says Bobby, as both of them close in.

Getting back to the point...

"Come on, don't make me sing this!" Ororo whines. "You didn't make Remy say the pregnant line!"

"DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT!" Remy yells.

Author: Yeah, well, the pregnant line was non-essential, and anyway, that was to make up for this not being a Romy. (1)

"Oh, fine," Ororo mutters. "But there had better be a lot of making out before this travesty's over."

"Damn straight!" Forge agrees.

"Well, anyway..." Ororo sighs. "Now that I'm a woman
Everything is strange"

Ororo pauses in front of a mirror with a unicorn painted on the back. This has an interesting effect, because if she were to turn her head, she would have a horn. Wow. There's nothing suggestive about that. ...ok, that sounded really wrong.

"I must go to him," Ororo says, walking out of the unicorn room like a zombie (she thirsts for FORGE!). "I must face the Bull again and discover what he has done with them, before I forget myself forever. But I don't know where to find him. And I am lonely."

"Nobody cares, Ororo," Kitty says. "You have no real pairing, since Logan was a weirdo in orange spandex and you were all... yeah."

"What's that supposed to imply!" Ororo demands. In the background there is thunder.

Kitty just rocks back and forth on her heels and whistles.

"I'll get you for that, Jewish!" Ororo cries.

"Just go on and keep singing... my transvestite friend," says Kitty.

John does another rimshot.

"Oh, God, are you just going to do that whenever I speak?" she demands of him.

"...Possibly..."

Kitty facepalms.

"Once
When I was searching"

We see a cloud unicorn run by. Wow. Amazing.

"Yeah, you see, I did that, not Alex. That's why it worked!"

"Hey! That's just not nice!"

"Nobody cares, Alex," the rest of the cast sighs.

Ororo grabs at the cloud unicorn and it disappears as she sings, "Somewhere out of reach
Far away
In a place I could not find
Poor heart obey"

Kitty clasps her hands as Ororo goes on. "Now that I'm a woman"

"...There is unwanted sexual tension going on up here!" Kitty yells, RLF.

Author: -facepalm... yes, again-

"I'm not the dirty old man here," Ororo says.

"So you're admitting you're really a man?" Kitty asks, peeking out of the unicorn room.

"NO! This song is about transvestites! It's not my fault I have to sing it!"

Kitty frowns. "Ok, fine, whatever, let's just get this over with as soon as possible."

"Everything has changed
Everything has changed
Everything has changed"

She sniffles and watches the sun go down. "This is really depressing for no real reason."

"Kurt will find a way down to the Orange Bull," Kitty says. "He has been searching every day."

"I hope for no help from him," Ororo says. "He is no magician now, but the king's poor clown."

"I'm not poor! Do you know how much money I make from the fangirls a week?" Kurt cries in the background.

"I make more," Remy replies, grinning.

"Bite me," Kurt replies.

"He is doing it for you!" Kitty says. "He plays the fool for Maggie trying to divert him from wondering what you are. You do wrong to mock him."

"Forgive me," Ororo says, and runs out of the room crying. Someone is showing our girly side today.

"My lady!" Kitty cries after her.

There is a big crash and snarl and stuff as the whole castle starts to shake. "WTFM!" Kitty cries, tripping down the staircase.

Logan!Cat comes by, saying, "The Bull be going out. He goes out every sundown to hunt for the strange white beast that escaped him. You know that puuurrfectly- oh, that's a horrible joke-"

Author: I didn't make it; the VA actually says it like that.

"Perfectly well, so don't be stupid."

"How nice," Kitty mutters.

"Har-har!" Logan goes on, as he and Kitty walk down the stairs toward the kitchen. "So that be a unicorn! She is very beautiful!"

"How do you know she's a unicorn?"

One might note that the echo-y tone of the voices in this movie only really work for the scenes in staircases.

Logan rubs up against her leg.

"It's just not my day," Kitty mutters.

"No cat out of its first fur can ever be decieved by appearances, unlike human beings who seems to enjoy it."

Kitty picks up the cat (heheheh) and carries him the rest of the way down the stairs.

"Now this is service," says Logan, grinning. "Ye have very little time. Soon there'll be a human woman in that body, and no unicorn at all, ever again."

Kitty puts him on top of the table and pets him. "For the record, this is kind of disturbing," said Kitty. "I'm stroking my obligatory-fatherly-figure."

"That's MY obligatory-fatherly-figure, bitch!" Jubilee yells in the background. (2)

"Don't care," Kitty replies.

"It may be that she'll marry the good prince, who loves her."

"Hopefully before he gets me pregnant," Ororo agrees. (3)

Kitty scratches him behind the ears and Logan says, "Oh purr, purr. Do that. Yes, that be nice."

Apparently, scratching Logan's kitty ears has made Kitty realize what a dangerous situation she's in. "No. No, that cannot be! She is the last!"

"Well, then," says Logan, yawning lazily. "She must do what she came to do. She must take the King's way down to the Orange Bull."

"I thought I melted that," Pyro mumbles. "Maggie kept giving me bad dreams."

Wanda stares at him for a minute.

"What?"

"Is there a way?" Kitty demands, grabbing Logan, who yowls. "Tell me the way!"

"Avast!" he yells. "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend!"

Kitty ignores this- "Actually, I'm going to torture him with a piece of string tied to his tail later!"- and demands, "Tell me where we must go!" (4)

"Hark ye closely, mum," Logan says, looking as sly as a kitty-cat- "I'm a TOMCAT!"

Author: But it's so much fun to demean you.

Logan mutters something, and then goes into vague prophecy mode. "When the wine drinks itself, when the skull speaks, when the clock strikes the right time, only then will ya find the tunnel what leads to the Orange Bull's lair." He lets out another nasty chuckle. "There be a trick to it, of course!"

He does some funny, "I'm tired of this" Shaolin kitty move, making her drop him. I'm not going to touch that sentence with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole, that's for sure...

"Why won't you help me? Why must you always speak in riddles!" Wonderfully emotional.

"Because I be what I be... what, am I chanelling Popeye now?" Logan asks.

Remy hums the theme.

Logan sends him a dirty look (it's somewhat less intimidating than it would be, since he's only got one eye and is a kitty-cat). "I would tell ye what ye want to know if I could, mum. But I be a cat, and no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer."

Now, you see, here's my point about the eyepatch. "Har-har," says Logan, switching it from one eye to the other.

So... somehow... through the amazing power of special effects not run by Alex, we see snow. Lots and lots of snow. Yep, snow.

Because they are on crack like that, Maggie and Kurt are in the tallest tower, staring out at the sea. They really need to get some cable out in this place, man.

Maggie snaps his fingers, and Kurt, like the little ass monkey he is, tries to do a card trick. I say try because they all blow away. Maggie's nose looks pointy, and he just looks generally amused.

QSC to the kitchen, where Kurt is sipping soup. "I can't do this much longer. He had me juggling teacups for him all night long. Teacups... with tea in them!"

"That would be what one would expect, yes," JP says in the background.

"I think we've got enough footage of Bobby spazzing, wouldn't you?" Jubilee says. "We'll make a killing on eBay."

JP smirks.

"Kurt, I didn't tell you. I found the skull, the one the cat was talking about. It's up on a pillar in the great hall. And the clock-"

"Kitty, he knows. King Mags what Lady Ororo is, I'm sure of it."

"What can we do?"

"Wild, kinky, furry sex?" Kurt suggests. (5)

"You've been spending too much time with Magneto," Kitty replies.

Author: GOD this story is getting perverted.

"Kitty?" Forge says, coming into the room with a piece of paper. A very dirty piece of paper.

"The chihuahua song?" Sam asks. (6)

Forge chooses to ignore this. "I've practically got the whole poem now, if you wanted to look at it."

"Oh, yes, of course your highness, whenever you like," Kitty says. "Calling Forge your highness is really weird. He's so... smelly."

"BITE ME," Forge says.

Super QSC to a shot of Mystique the harpy screeching. Don't worry, no bare-breastiness. She flaps at Ororo, and then BAM! Over to Kurt getting his hands burned on the bars. And then Dani getting eaten and stuff.

"If this scene went on a little longer, it would practically be the whole movie for people with short attention spans," Kurt says.

QSC from that to Ororo, doing a horror-movie GASP and sit up when the music crescendoes.

In the corridor, we hear Forge, saying, "The lift of longing, the crash of loss..." He pauses on his staircase, saying, "The bitterness of- Cross? Boss? Moss? Damn!"

Ororo comes out of her room and stares out a window, wrapped up in a blanket. Wow. Shiny hair moment.

"Good evening, my lady," Forge says. "Is this the part where we make out?"

Author: Almost.

"YES!"

Ororo whirls. "Who are you?"

"I'm Forge! Don't you know me, I'm Forge!"

"Forge?" says Ororo. "Prince Forge."

"You were dreaming, milady," Forge says. Yeah... how would he know what happened? "Because I arranged the tapes like that so Alex couldn't screw it up?"

"Has he actually gotten to do anything since you left?" Ororo asks.

"..." says Forge. "No, not really."

"I've gotten to eat donuts!" Alex cries.

"THOSE ARE MY DONUTS!" Forge cries.

"Forge, tone it DOWN a notch," says Ororo, a la Dr. Evil.

"Sorry."

"But I am always dreaming. Even when I'm awake. It is never finished." She touches the scar (COUGH) on her forehead, and then stammers, "I... I will not trouble you, my Lord Prince." She turns to go.

"Trouble me, please, trouble me! I would court you with more grace if I knew how."

"Try taking a bath, for starters," Kitty says.

"You're not even IN this scene!" Forge shrieks.

"So what else is new?" Kitty replies.

"I wish you wanted something of me," Forge says, with an "I'll get you later when I've conquered the universe" kind of look.

"Drown out my dreams!" Ororo cries. "Keep me from remembering whatever wants me to remember it."

So Forge decides to do just that... IN SONG!

Author: Ok, here's the support group time. Whover had the hubris to voice Prince Lir could NOT sing, and well... my ears are bleeding right now. Oh. Right. Ororo sings in bold and Forge sings in underline. Comprende?

"I've had time to write a book about
The way you act and look
I haven't got a paragraph"

We see Forge scribbling away at his inventor table. Boy, it's messy in here. "You're on that list, right under Kitty!" He clears his throat and goes on. "Words are always getting in my way
Anyway, I love you
That's all I have to tell you
That's all I've got to say"

In the way of this-is-an-animated-film-and-we-haven't-filled-the-cliche-count-yet (TIAFWHFCCY; not as succinct as I would've liked, I grant you), Forge steps out onto a balcony to see Ororo, yet again, surprise surprise, staring out at the sea. He sings to her. Yeah.

She glances over at him again.

"And now, I'd like to make a speech about
The love that touches each
But stumbling I would make you laugh"

"...Yeah... that's likely," Ororo says.

"I can be funny if I want to!" Forge cries.

"No, she's got a point. There's either sarcasm or being drunk for you, my friend," Remy says.

"...Damn!" Forge yells.

So, anyway, in the way of TIAFWHFCCY, two doves come flapping over, one to Forge and one to Ororo. And then they set them free and the doves have a moment and stuff. Like you weren't expecting all this crap.

"I feel as though my tongue were made of clay
Anyway, I love you
That's all I have to tell you
I'm not a man of poetry
Music isn't one with me
It runs from me
It runs from me"

"Like everyone else does when they smell you coming," Kitty says.

"These jokes are wearing a bit thin," Forge growls.

Author: Nope, they're fine.

"Grr," says Forge.

So, we see the two doves fly away to the pond in Ororo's forest (where two deer are randomly making out in the background) and then whoo! Throught he magic of special effects, they become Ororo and Forge. Beam me up, Scotty?

They walk over, hand in hand, to the pool, and this is where the duet starts so get your earplugs ready.

"And I tried to write a symphony"

"Once, when I was searching"

On the other side of the pool, we see Ro!Unicorn staring at herself in the pool. Like usual.

"But I lost the melody"

"Somewhere out of reach"

"Perhaps I only finished half"

Ro!uni takes a drink and runs away, stirring ripples in the pond. Wow. This is important! Symbolic, like.

"Far away"

"The circularness of these songs is beginning to make me queasy," Kitty mutters, and Kurt nods.

"You did not have to sing them," Piotr says.

"And finish I suppose I never may"

Ororo sits down and makes some pretty ripples of her own, which bump into Ro!unicorn's and make magic-y type sparkles. Wowzers.

"In a place I could not find"

Just to remind you that this is about unicorns, not crappy love duet thingies, we see Ro!unicorn running by again, just for kicks.

"Anyway, I love you"

"Poor heart obey"

"That's all I have to tell you"

"Now that I'm a woman"

"...That IS transvestite-y," Forge says. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

Ororo growls.

"Forget I asked," Forge stammers.

"That's better."

"That's all I've got to say"

In the amazing way of QSC, back to Ororo and Forge on the balcony.

"Now I know the way"

"That's all I've got to say"

Author: Hit high notes, this VA cannot. Oh, my EARS!

"NOW!" Forge and Ororo demand in unison.

"Yep," says Remy. "Everyone, look away, lest ye be BURNED!"

Yep, you guessed it, hot Storgey makeout. Yay.

(And now we're done. :P Technically, it isn't Wednesday yet, so I got this out on time, so there.)

(1) Reference to "The Cajun and the Artist" in which Remy got to skip citing pregnancy as his excuse for not wanting to do something.

(2) Jubilee/Logan is the best comics-only pairing EVER.

(3) Reference to the Sidney Chronicles, in which Forge proposes because his toaster tells him he got 'Ro pregnant. That always amused me...

(4) I love doing that to my cats. I'm not very nice to them, really.

(5) Rereading this, I think it's a line from "Drei."

(6) Reference to "The X-band, the Trilogy that Wouldn't Die" in which Bob the Mexican owns the rights to the Chihuahua song and Sam is very attached to it.