p a r t s i x
Kathryn paused and exhaled. The next memories were difficult to recall, in so many ways.
"Do you want to stop?" Phoebe asked gently.
"No. Just- Phoebe, what do you know about the Equinox incident?"
Phoebe looked surprised. "Nothing much beyond what everyone knows. Why?"
Kathryn bit her lip. "I can't tell you much; it's classified. All I can say is that I did something I'm deeply ashamed of." She took another breath, a shuddering one this time. "You may have heard that Captain Ransom abandoned his principles in his desire to get his crew home as quickly as possible."
Phoebe nodded, her eyes gleaming with pride. "Yes, of course, everyone knows that. Just like everyone knows you managed to get your crew home with principles intact!" Her voice positively clanged.
Kathryn winced. "I tried. I didn't always succeed," she said, her voice heavy with regret and guilt.
"Kathryn-" Chakotay began.
She shook her head at him. "No, Chakotay. Don't say it." She managed to draw forth a smile from somewhere. "We both know I nearly became what I derided in Ransom: inhuman." Her honesty was painful. "And then I crippled myself over it, for so long. If it hadn't been for you…" Her fingers tightened convulsively around Chakotay's.
"You've managed to move past that, Kathryn," he reminded her. "Remember? That's the point of this story."
She smiled again, and this time the smile reached her eyes. "Yes." She turned back to Phoebe, settled herself comfortably against Chakotay, and continued...
I turn on my heel and leave the holodeck, anger and frustration alone fuelling me.
The Doctor follows.
"No matter how many debris fields we sift through, a node from a dead drone isn't going to work!"
I turn on him. "Who said anything about a dead drone?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
I carry on, ignoring the shock in his voice. "We've infiltrated Borg vessels before. If that's what it takes to save Seven we'll do it again." My throat is closing over, and I struggle to hold my voice steady.
"Are you suggesting ending one life to save another?" He sounds horrified. He has, after all, been programmed to 'first, do no harm.'
But I haven't, and his words have barely registered. I'm tell him I'm not giving up on Seven. He grabs my shoulder, and whirls me 'round to face him at such speed that I'm certain he's wrenched one of my back muscles. I try not to wince and, fortunately, my anger at his action helps.
My words die on my lips as I face him, look at him properly. He's 'only' a hologram, but his eyes are filled with real anguish and fury, and I suddenly remember that he's been as much a mentor to Seven as I have. I listen.
"Neither am I! I'll do everything in my power to help her, but we both have to face the possibility that it may not be enough." The words, begun in anger, end softly, and his fierce grip on my arm eases.
I nod silently. The implications of our exchange are starting to sink in. The Doctor looks at me carefully.
"I think we've done all we can for one day, don't you?"
Wearily, I agree.
He smiles, rather tentatively, and pats my shoulder. "You go back to your quarters and rest, Captain. I'll tell Seven."
"No. No, I'm coming with you." I look him straight in the eye again. "I need to be there when you tell her."
"Captain-"
"Doctor, I'm coming!"
He moves his head in resigned acknowledgement, and the rest of our journey to sickbay is a silent one.
I hear the soft sounds of conversation as the sickbay doors whish open, but a tense silence falls at once. Seven and Neelix turn to face us. Hope is plainly obvious on Neelix's face; Seven's emotion are more subtle.
I speak with all the gentleness I can summon. "According to the simulations, the salvaged node isn't going to work. I'm sorry."
The hope, such as it was, dies out of Seven's eyes. I glance at the Doctor, and, bless him, he tries to soften the news.
"I'm still researching alternative treatments, and Harry and B'Elanna are going to try to repair the faulty node using components from your alcove." He sounds optimistic. Too optimistic. I look at Seven and know from the new bleakness in her eyes that she is aware of it too.
She turns away from us. "They'll fail!"
The Doctor follows her, still talking. "We're not giving up hope. Neither should you."
Seven ignores him. She turns towards me once again. "With your permission, I'd like to return to my duties." Her voice is steady, and I find myself envying her control even while I deplore it. The Doctor protests at the suggestion, and Seven looks straight at me.
"Captain?" It's a plea.
I find it difficult to meet her eyes. In matters of health, I'm not the supreme authority, but for Seven, I've always been the ultimate arbitrator. It's not so surprising that she'd turn to me now. It hurts to deny her her request to return to the work she loves, but the hard fact is that she must now be under the Doctor's jurisdiction rather than mine.
I shake my head slightly, and speak softly. "I'm afraid I have to defer to the Doctor." I'm aware of the glimmer of betrayal in her eyes as she allows the Doctor to lead her to the biobed to continue their conversation. Quietly, I slip away. There's now only one place I want to be.
When I reach the haven of my quarters I move towards the sofa like an automaton and sink down. I'm haunted by the memory of that exchange with the Doctor. Who said anything about a dead drone? ….Are you suggesting ending one life to save another?
For the past year, these rooms have been a sanctuary of warmth, comfort, and security, thanks to the calming scent of incense and the glowing tones of Chakotay's native-work blankets and artefacts. Even our precious leather covered books contribute to the atmosphere; before, I kept them tidily in my bedroom. Now they are proudly displayed in the bookcase that Chakotay fashioned from wood taken from the planet we called New Earth. He never worked it until six months ago, when we agreed to share our quarters and our lives publicly…
At this moment these things give me small comfort. I am too exhausted, too heartsick, too shamed, to find consolation in them. I place my face in my hands and try to shut out the recollection of words spoken a year ago: This is about right and wrong…I won't let you cross that line again, Captain… and shudder at the realisation that I have crossed it again, in spirit if not in deed. I told Noah Lessing in that cargo bay that we all make our own hell. I made mine that day, and the flames still consume me.
Large, warm hands place themselves on my shoulders.
"Kathryn?"
I shiver. I want to draw away from the undeserved comfort of those hands and the solid frame beside me, but to do so would hurt Chakotay needlessly. I have already caused him too much pain.
"Kathryn?" he says again. I can hear the concern in his soft voice.
"I've done it again," I whisper. "I crossed the line."
The hands on my shoulder tighten, and I am aware that Chakotay's breath has stilled.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
I keep my hands over my face. I cannot bear to look at him as I speak. "The simulations failed. We-we lost her, every time. The Doctor says that for the surgery to work we need a node from a live drone, not a dead one." I pause to steady my voice. "I-I was angry. I said that if that's what'd take to save Seven, then I'd get a node from a live drone. He- he was furious, and rightly so." I am silent for an endlessly long moment. I tell my conclusion in a near whisper: "Basically, I suggested murder."
"You admit that? You're admitting that, yourself?"
I nod. B'Elanna once described his voice as 'damnably soft', when she was talking about her role in programming the missile Dreadnought. She said the tone of his voice alone made her feel so ashamed, so guilty. I know what she meant.
"Yes," I say.
I expect the hands to drop away from my shoulders. I expect the comforting presence next to me to move. I expect to look up and confront the disappointed face of my First Officer.
I am surprised to realise that he has not moved, that his hands are still on me, that they are, in fact, moving across my shoulders in the preliminary stages of a massage. Those sinfully good massages….
Confused, I drop my hands and force myself to look up at him.
"Aren't you going to say anything?"
"Nothing to say," he responds simply. "You know where you went wrong. You realised- with a little help- that you were beginning to obsess, and that that obsession was bringing you dangerously close to crossing the invisible line once again-"
"I did cross it!"
He smiles at me. "No, Kathryn, you didn't. You can't punish yourself for spiritual as well as actual transgressions. We're not on that planet where B'Elanna was almost brain-wiped for thinking angry thoughts. The fact is, you were angry, exhausted- and grieving. We've only recently begun thinking that Borg drones are worth any consideration. Your response was understandable."
"Really?" I am desperate to believe him, and emotionally undone by his understanding.
He draws me onto his lap. He's big enough for me to sit there comfortably. I feel his arms encircle me, and after a moment, I let my head drop to his shoulder. I am so tired…
"Can anything else be done for Seven?" he asks practically.
I swallow and shake my head. Against my will, several tears leak out. I can feel their dampness against my cheek.
"The Doctor loves her too. He won't give up so easily."
I force agreement from a throat stiff from more tears, the ones I refuse to cry.
"The rest of the crew will help," Chakotay assures me.
"Will they?" I murmur.
I've got ears. I've heard the rumours, the complaints that I've showered Seven with favouritism. Some even believe I'm in love with her, of all things. They can't see past her arrogance or her formidable appearance to the child beneath.
"I promise, Kathryn. If anything can be done to save her, we'll find it. Hell, I don't want to lose her either." I feel his cheeks curl in a smile. "These past couple of years have transformed her. She's now pretty much a human with Borg implants instead of a Borg in human form."
I look up at him. "Mean that?"
He kisses my forehead. "Sure do. You did a good job there, Kathryn."
"It wasn't all me," I murmur. "Lately she's been spending more time with the Doctor." I shut my eyes and remember his words- I'll do everything in my power to help her, but we both have to face the possibility that it may not be enough.
"It may not be enough," I mumble.
"Kathryn?"
"The Doctor says he'll do what he can, but without a new node, it may not be enough."
Chakotay's arms tighten around me again, and I feel his lips brush my forehead a second time. "We'll face that bridge if we come to it, but for what it's worth, I don't believe we'll be losing Seven of Nine just yet."
"Hmmm."
"Come on, Kathryn. Bed!"