Disclaimer: Anger management classes pay of. And a one and a two and a I FEEL PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY, I FEEL – oh I don't own holes
On with the show:
Mr. Sir led him into the Warden's office. He didn't send her to his own office because of reasons that I have been informed are unsuited for those under 10. Throughout the entire time, she held her head high and acted like the tough Mary-Sue that she was, 'cuz the birds didn't come back to poopy.
He was about to grope her butt, but (hehe but but) her Mary-Sue reflexes kicked in, and she slapped his hand away. Amazingly, this tore her penguin suit and she fell on her face. In the distance birds could be heard…
She entered the 'beautiful' office of the Warden. Oh yes the office was pretty, pretty messy…(look a play on words HEHEHEHE.). Behind the desk sat a long, curly red head that was "pretty" and tough looking. Try imagining Sigourney Weaver; no actually imagine Sigourney Weaver. She smiled demonically.
"Welcome Ms. Sue. For all your crimes you have been sent to this correctional facility. You will learn the error of your ways and rejoice at the end."
Mary glared at her with her emerald fire eyes thing.
"For God's sakes put on something!"
Mary glanced down at herself. Her original clothes returned, torn and GASP messy! Mary almost cried. She caught the orange jumper thing with ease, the exact same time her clothes split. She scrambled into the orange mess, but refused to say anything to the warden.
"Tent D," she barked. "Go!"
Once Mary left…"I don't know why she had to come here? I HATE competition," the Warden complained angrily rubbing her tum-tum.
A bolt of lightning slammed into her desk.
"I'M SORRY I'M SORRY DON'T HURT MY BABY!"
Mr. Sir came into the office. "Honey what's wrong, why are you screaming, is it our baby?"
-sniff- -sniff- "No…the All Mighty is scary," the Warden began to cry.
000ooo000ooo000
All the boys are gathered in the tent as Mary Sue is ehem not there because it would be un-Mary-Sue-ish if she were listening to them talk about her.
"Dude, did you see her wobble?" X-Ray gasped.
"She's totally hott," Caveman agreed.
Zero was lost even further in his own little world.
"Yeah, let's fuck her."
"Not, YOU Squid!" ZigZag screamed. "I mean…uh…you've gotten most of the girls!"
Armpit looked offended. "What about me?"
"Nobody likes you. You're only mentioned like every 12 chapters." Magnet nodded with wisdom beyond his years. Then Armpit began to cry…again.
"Armpit…uh…here's your Midol," Caveman said nervously.
"But don't you think that'll be bad with his steroids?" Zero whispered, suddenly snapped back to reality.
Suddenly silence rang as afro-man spoke for the first time in the story…then "TUMBLEWEED!" Armpit ran as the dust-thing rolled by. He hugged it happily.
"That nun-suite was hott…" X-ray said. His jumper thing seemed very tight now…
Suddenly Mary walked into the room. Everyone was awed at her beauty, so awed they didn't notice she was nearly dying underneath the strain. Actually she was perfectly fine 'cuz of her Mary-Sue built in muscles, but the male testosterone was kinda beginning to suffocate her. She needed a Midol.
She placed her stuff between the bed of that hott guy who she landed on and that other guy she fell in love with. Isn't that a coincidence? Oh and ZigZag is on Squid's other side.
Was anyone talking as Mary dumped her stuff – gracefully- on the bed? No, not really. I mean have you seen how guys act around normal girls? THIS IS A FRIKKIN MARY SUE!
She lay down on her bed, glaring at them all, except the two guys on either side of her.
Magnet, being the only one who stopped masturbating (and because ZigZag was looking real bored), came up to her with his hand outstretched. "Hey chicka," He said in his Hispanic, seductive voice.
/ Because ALL guys are really sweet and nice when they meet people. They are VERY realistic. \\
"Hi, I'm Mary," she replied, grinning and showing of her perfectly straight teeth so she never had to go to a dentist. But, when she shook his hand, he began vibrating.
"I'm Magnet," he nodded, miraculously sounding less…stupid.
Mary felt her heart melt as she repeated his perfect name over and over and over again in her head. Wait…Magnet? She would just get it changed legally. Damn, her in-laws-to-be are retards.
Suddenly she noticed the other guy. He was grinning. "Yo' I'm Squid." Ahh…there goes the heart melting sensation again. Amazing how quickly that happens.
"That guy," He pointed to the guy next to him, who looked electrocuted and real pissed. "is ZigZag. And that's Armpit, Caveman, Zero and X-Ray."
She nodded as if she actually listened to whatever the creature of the sea said. Damn, he was hott, and so kissable. Then her Mary-Sue genius-ness kicked in. She had to say something.
"How'd yo' get yo' names," she said trying to sound as gangsta as possible to show she was tough like 50 cent who needs a nose job and plastic surgery.
"Well, I can see right through you," the one called X-Ray said as small trickles of blood dripped out of his nose.
"Eeeek pervert," she screeched. She punched him and it magically reached halfway across the tent. She broke his bleeding nose.
Silence
…
More Silence
…
Then, "That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen…" Caveman whispered.
"Um, poker, yah, poker," Squid said. "Ok, Armpit where's the poker table?"
Armpit was still hugging the tumbleweed. He looked up, "I sat on it…"
Everyone groaned. "Again? Man watch that big fat-ass of yours. You can't just go sitting on everything!"
"I'm sorry!" Armpit started crying again and hugging the tumbleweed to death. "Everyone's so meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean!"
"Um…will he be ok?" Mary asked.
"What oh yah this happens every night," Squid shrugged and produced a table from behind his back. "Good thing a always keep a spare. ZigZag you joining?"
"Yah sure, X-Ray's still constipated. Come on Magnet, Caveman, Armpit."
Five minutes later….
Obviously Mary was going to win. She had a Royal Flush, but she needed an Ace. ZigZag was getting pissed, seriously. It was like the thirty millionth game and Mary was still winning. Everyone was falling in love with her, and he was getting a total ingrown nail.
"You know, today's been a good day, I haven't-" Caveman couldn't finish his sentence. It happened all to fast, as the birds flew in.
Mary screeched. "There's the bird that shat on me!"
The bird flew in all direction, knocking over all the cards and flying into Caveman's really big mouth. "Get it. Get It. GET IT!"
Everyone (except Zero, unconscious X-Ray and ZigZag) punched Caveman over and over again to kill the bird. When they stopped… "Oh, damn," Magnet sighed. "Not again."
"OH MY GOD YOU KILLED CAVEMAN!" Kyle from South Park appeared. "OH MY GOD ! # #&…$&!& WHY CAN'T I # SWEAR!&! LOOK AT THE BIG ! " He disappeared.
"Is that normal?" Mary asked, looking for a reason to talk to one of her hott guys. Do you actually think she cared about the bloody corpse in front of her?
"No, it only started when Armpit accidentally said Kenny instead of Caveman; he'll be a'ight tomorrow," Magnet waved of.
Mary paused. Then she remembered…the sensitive girl thing. "OH MY GOD WILL CAVEMAN BE ALRIGHT! I HARDLEY KNEW YOU OH YOU POOR POOR BOY. WE COULD'VE BEEN FRIENDS. NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO KNOW YOU NEVER BECAUSE YOUR GONE, Gone, gone…gone…"
She cried uncontrollably and sank to the floor. "Now look what you done Magnet, you made her cry," Squid yelled. He bent down next to her and hugged her as she started whispering 'sensible' things. Remember she is in trauma after everything that happened –nod- -nod-.
The part of Mary's mind that wasn't crying like a baby registered what happened, so she dug her face deeper in Squid's shoulder. Maybe later she would realize the pimple-ish effect it would have on her skin because he forgot to do his laundry last month.
The other boys gasped and circled around her all hugging YAY. Mary was really sad because Caveman died, even though he'd come back to life later. She also needed an excuse to hug the creature of the sea.
Magnet stared wide-eyed at the group in front of him. It wasn't fair, he should be there NOT Squid. Poor loser, he didn't realize that it's a rule that Squid gets to make out in someway with the Mary-Sue on the first day.
ZigZag was still on his bed glaring for all his worth…at Squid. Poor Squid, if looks could kill he would have been dead long ago. Since no one was looking, he whipped out his P-I-M-P nail file to take of the tension and fix his ingrown nail. He was pissed. He was going to get back at Mary for stealing his L - ATTENTION. Yes, the attention not L-.
"Shush Mary, is gonna be okay," Squid whispered comfortingly, and sticking his tongue out at the rest of D-tent. "Caveman will be all right; you'll see. It happens everyday 'cuz of his something-great-cow-pig-grandfather."
Mary nodded slightly, still grabbing on to Squid for dear life. WELL if she didn't tell them the bird shat on her…Seeing as she wouldn't let go, the other boys left back to their beds all wishing Squid would die like Caveman but NOT come back to life. Ahhh you see?
Squid lifted her up and carried her bridal style. This made him grin even more, so much that if any girl bares his kids they will be born with permanent smiles that will never die even during PMS.
He got to the bed and dropped her…or tried to. She wouldn't let go of his neck, so Mary hung there in suspended animation (wtf does that mean?). He carried her up, and released. Same result. He did it again. And again. And again. The sixth time he fell on the bed on top of her 'cuz Mary-Sue's are normally very light, but Mary tried to be realistic and her real weight returned.
/That's what happens when Mary-Sues become realistic or use their brains to think. Their REAL weight returns. I mean how heavy do you think those apples are? \\
That was when it all went bad. X-Ray woke up from his being punched outedness. ZigZag dropped the P.I.M.P. nail file. Zero started screaming. Magnet jumped on top of them to wrestle Squid, and Armpit DROPPED the tumbleweed. HE DROPPED-ETH THATH HOLIETH TUMBLEWEEDETH. Oh and Caveman didn't come back to life yet.
Mary started shouting, "Stop it; stop it you morons!" Then there was another girly scream of "LIGHTS OUT," which sounded like Mr. Pendobouncy…there was a pause, then a gunshot.
The scene was frozen, and it looked like Squid and Magnet had been making out. There was more silence. Then Mr. Sir's disturbingly ugly head entered the tent. "Git to bed you spineless Girl Scouts."
"Yo' Mom, they are in bed," X-Ray said with still a beeet of blood down his nose. Mr. Sir said something else, but no one really understands that freak anyway. He was about to say something intelligent when Mr. Pendarski pranced in….yessir he pranced. Wearing his frilly white nightgown and holding a basketful of flowers, Mr. Pandasomething pranced into the room singing the Barney song, on pitch even.
He stopped directly in front of the bed where Mary lay and Magnet and Squid were trying to choke each other. He stopped in mid prance, hovering slightly above the ground. His head turned slowly, demonically in their direction, like in the "Seed of Chucky". His smiling face never changed as his clothes turned red, his skin grew scales and the flowers disappeared.
"Go to FUCKING SLEEP YOU SMART KIDDIES!" He yelled without moving his smiling mouth. It echoed through the tent as the wind blew. Then silence, so much silence it was deafening.
"Geez, someone forgot to take their pills," X-Ray muttered and there was a grumble of agreement. Reluctantly everyone returned to his or her own cot.
"Thank you," the freak smiled…some more. Then he pranced out of the room singing 'Mary had a Crapped up Lamb who had a fleet of hoes.'