Disclaimer: "What's he gonna think if he finds one of the gods like this with me?" "Lucky god?"

(An: Yay. Last chapter. Fun.)

Remy is smirking. "Last chapter. Thank GOD."

"Yeah, but you have a big part in the next parody," Kurt points out.

"Yeah, but it's another Storge," Forge says. (1)

Ororo just grins. "And no weird transformations!"

"For you, maybe," John mutters. Wanda falls over in a fit of giggles. "Ah, turn blue." (2)

"Can we get started, please?" Lucas says. "I've got itches in places that don't exist anymore."

In the background, Xavier snickers.

"I'll get you later," Lucas mutters. "I'll get you ALL!"

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Pyscho Scottish Man," Remy says. "We get it already."

"We should get together sometime, compare notes on how to kill our fathers," Wanda comments. (3)

"I like the way you think, woman," Lucas says.

Xavier and Magneto exchange "Oh, badger" looks. (4)

"I feel so unloved," John says, sniffling.

"You were never good enough for my daughter, anyway," Magneto says, with a haughty sniff.

"Uh-oh..." Remy says.

"Sic 'im," John mutters. The Orange Bull appears.

"Ohhhhh shiznit," Magneto mutters.

TEN MINUTES, SOME TORTURED SCREAMING, AND THREE CASES OF LIGHTER FLUID LATER...

"Pain... everywhere..." Magneto gasps.

"Forge, fix him," Remy says.

"But he dies anyway!" Forge objects.

"Yeah, but not like that!"

Forge mutters something and sets to work.

ANOTHER TEN MINUTE INCREMENT OF TIME LATER...

"I feel happy now," Magneto says.

"It's the painkillers," Forge whispers. "At least he can move again."

Remy facepalms. "If it ain't one thing, it's another," he mutters.

"Ok, can we start now?" Lucas demands.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"To reach the Orange Bull you have to walk through time," Lucas says, and then pauses. "Whoever wrote this script is even crazier than me."

"And that's saying something," Xavier mutters.

"Tick tock tick tock," Lucas mutters. "A clock isn't time, it's just numbers and springs. Just walk right on through. About that wine now..."

Kurt shrugs and hands him the empty bottle. Apparently, Lucas isn't one to catch on quickly, because he swallows the whole thing (how he does that without neither wine nor throat, I don't know) and goes very red in the... cheekbones? I guess.

"Ah, ah," he sighs. "That was the real stuff. That was WINE. You're more of a magician than I thought."

"And you're even crazier than I thought," Kurt mutters. "I mean, you kidnapped Jean, but this is just weird. Let's go."

Kitty turns to Ororo. "My lady, it's time. We're going to find the others now."

"Oh, no," Lucas mutters, the redness going away. Some guys just can't hold their- ok, that joke would be SO much better if I didn't have to say "nothing." "No, you don't. Not that one!"

View switches to Kitty dragging Ororo along behind her, with flashes of Ororo!unicorn.

"Unicorn! Magsy! Unicorn! Magsy, unicorn! Unicorn! Magsy, where are you! It's loose! Down to the Orange Bull! The clock, Magsy, there she goes! Unicorn, unicorn!"

So... yeah. Kurt, Ororo, and Kitty dash over to the clock, as Magsy comes running down the stairs with his sword bared and stuff.

"Go on!" Kurt says. "Go on through!"

Ororo goes through the clock (...yeah) but Kitty hesitates. "Kurt, I don't think-"

"Go on!" Kurt shoves her into the clock and then we see all this smoke and mist and stuff. Wow. Time's pretty boring.

So, on the other side of the clock, Kurt and Mags are locked in a battle to the death, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

"It worked!" Kitty says. Yeah... not the quickest to catch on, is Kitty.

"Prince Forge!" Ororo cries.

"You would have gone without me?" Forge asks.

"I would have come back," Ororo says. "I don't know why I'm here or who am, but I would've come back."

"No," Forge says, looking all angsty and stuff.

"Does he ever look any other way?" Remy asks, sounding bored.

"I was a hippy in Evo! I was cheerful!"

Kurt just stares at him.

"For me, anyway!" (5)

"Right," Kurt mutters. "Suuure."

Forge sighs and shakes his head. "You would have never come back," he says to Ororo.

"Never mind all that! Where's Kurt?" Kitty demands.

Back through time, where we see Kurt and Magsy still locked in the death battle thing. Kurt dashes through the clock before he gets bashed with a sword.

It's like time hacky-sack as we switch back to Kitty, Ororo, and Forge. "Where is he?" Kitty repeats. "I'll go back myself if you won't."

Kurt staggers into the time... mist... thing and falls over.

"Kurt?" Kitty asks, going over by him.

"It's all right, it's not deep," he announces to no one in particular.

"Like anyone cares," Forge says.

Kurt glares at him for a minute, then says, "How did you know how to get here?"

"What was there to know?" Forge asks, shrugging. "I saw where she had gone and I followed."

Kurt shakes his head and wham! Ball into the other court as we see King Mags destroying the clock.

"This is makin' m' head hurt," Remy mutters.

"Are you drunk AGAIN?" Ororo demands from the vast nothingness-type stuff.

"That'd be a oui," Remy mumbles, slumping down in his chair.

"He made me buy him more burboun, to make up for the Logan and wine incidents," Kurt explains.

And then we're back to the nothingness... which kind of dissipates. "Mags has destroyed the clock," Kurt announces, for those of you who are REALLY thick. "Now there's no way out and no way back but through the Orange Bull's passage."

Sooo Our Heroes are walking through a vast, rocky cavern-type thing and Kurt is apparently explaining all this crap to Forge, because he says, "And the rest you know. We came here seeking unicorns and we have possibly found them at last."

Author: Now here is where we see that Forge is not as thick as he looks.

"We knew that," Forge mutters.

"Ah... no," says Remy.

"You're drunk!"

"He's got a point," Kitty says. "All of your inventions have either gotten you into trouble, or us into trouble and you by proxy."

"...Damn!"

"Poor, poor Forge," Ororo sighs. "Just can't catch a break."

"Grr," Forge mutters. "I used to have a dream, over and over about standing at my window, seeing the Bull, the Orange Bull-"

"Yes," Kurt agrees, "driving unicorns into the sea. It was no dream. Mags has them all now, drifting in and out on the tides for his delight. All but one. That one is the Lady Ororo."

"Unicorns in blackface," Kitty sighs. "I can see now, on Broadway!"

"One of these days, Kitty, one of these days," Ororo mutters.

"Unicorn, mermaid, sorceress," Forge says. "No name you would give her would surprise or frighten me."

"How about Ro!Hawk?" Kitty asks. (6)

"Gah!" Forge's eye twitches. "Cut that out! Can't you see I'm doing my romantic monologue here!"

"Yeah... I just don't care!"

"I love whom I love," Forge says. This statement is somewhat ruined by the threatening gestures he's making at Kitty.

"God, everyone wants to kill you, Katzchen," Kurt mutters.

"You get used to it, being Jewish," Kitty says, shrugging. "After all, the 'we didn't know!' excuse only works for killing Christ, and that's the only one we've got."

"That's a very nice sentiment," Kurt says, "but when I change her back into her true self-"

"I love whom I love!" Forge repeats, and Ororo turns around in a flash of... wow! Where'd all that hair come from?

"I heard what you said," Ororo says.

"Well, yeah, we're only like five feet away from you," Kitty mutters.

"I will go no further," Ororo says, ignoring her.

"There's no choice!" Kurt objects. "We have to go on!"

"Don't let him change me!" Ororo says, clinging to Forge.

"You know, Forge is the one who invented the purple thing," Kurt comments.

"DETAILS!" Ororo yells. "The Orange Bull has no care for human beings."

"Actually, he thinks they taste like chicken," John comments.

"...Er..." says Remy.

"We may walk out past him and get away!" Ororo cries.

"If we do that, all of the unicorns of the world will remain prisoners forever except one, and she will grow old and die!" Kurt cries.

"Yeah, rain on my parade," Forge mutters.

"No, that's my job," Ororo says.

Forge gives her a dirty look and Ororo steps on his foot.

Going back into Upset Mode, Ororo says, "Everything dies!" Then she pauses. "Well, relatively speaking, at least..." She shakes herself. "I want to die when you die. I'm no unicorn, no magical creature! I'm human, and I love you!"

"Do we get to make out yet?" Forge asks.

"...No, this is the part where the angst starts," Remy says. "Don't you read the script?"

"Do you?"

"...Good point."

"Don't let him!" Ororo gasps. "Forge, I will not love you when I am a unicorn!"

"Ororo, don't," Forge says.

"Then let the quest end here," Kurt says. "I don't think I could change you back even if you wished it... not with Alex at the controls at least."

"Hey! I got the mystical time mist working, didn't I?" Alex demands.

Kurt pauses. "Yeah, well, there's that... Marry the prince and live happily ever after!"

"Yes, that is my wish," Ororo says.

"No," Forge says. "My lady, I am a hero..."

There is a pause. Then everyone bursts out laughing.

Forge's eye twitches. "What's bad is I don't even believe it myself."

"Can we FOCUS?" Remy begs. "Two more scenes and we're DONE!"

Forge clears his throat. "Right. Right. And heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned. Unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story."

Author: I love how the guy who wrote the book wrote the script, because this is my favorite part. ...Don't look at me like that!

"But what if there isn't a happy ending at all?" Kitty asks.

"There are no happy endings because nothing ends," Kurt says. "Actually, it was because the author was a lazy bum, but we'll stick with that."

So, yeah. Shot of Ororo and Forge holding hands and walking ahead of them. This makes Kitty all sentimental. "Kurt, let her stay the way she is. Let her be!"

"That's not in the story," Kurt replies. "Forge knows that and so does she."

"...They do realize that I was trapped in Middleverse when this movie came out?" Forge whispers. (7)

"You don't care," Kitty goes on, ignoring him. "You don't care what happens to her or to the others, just so you become a real magician at last! You don't care!"

"Ooh, drama," Remy says.

"Quiet," Caliban says. "This issss touching."

"Argh!" Remy says, nearly falling out of his chair. "Where did you come from?"

"I've been here the whole time," Caliban says.

"Er..." says Remy. "I need another drink."

"Well, I wish I didn't!" Kurt yells. "I wish to God I didn't care about anything but my magic, but I do! I do."

And then- isn't this always the case?- their moment is interrupted by a giant fiery construct shaped like a bull.

"Kurt!" Kitty yells. "Is that still less than in The Thief and the Cobbler?"

"...Nope, sorry," Remy says. "We went past that a while ago."

"Damn!"

So, anyway, the Orange Bull appears snarling in front of Forge and Ororo. I've said it before and I'll say it again- that is the FUGLIEST creature ever animated.

"Kitty, he knows! He knows!" Kurt cries.

The Orange Bull keeps roaring, shaking down a bunch of rocks from the ceiling and stuff as Our Heroes heroically... run for their ever-lovin lives!

And then, oh you guessed it, Ororo trips over a rock. "My ankle!" she cries. "Help! ...I HATE playing D.I.D.'s." (8)

"Ororo!" Forge cries. "Don't move!" He draws his sword and attempts to look heroic.

There is much snickering in the background.

"I've never done this before, all right!" he mutters. "I'm the sleazy schemer here!"

But the Orange Bull, being crafty and and a jerk like that, zaps Forge's sword, making it too hot for him to hold.

"She'll be killed!" Kitty cries. Kurt grabs her before she can get too far.

"No!" Forge says, standing in front of Ororo.

"My knight in shining armor," Ororo mutters, "or my stupid genius in tie-dye?"

"Take what you get!" Forge yells.

Ok... so Kurt goes off into his chanting again and stuff. Yeah.

"Forge?" Ororo asks.

"Do something!" Kitty yells.

There is a flash of rainbow-y sparkles as Ororo stands up, wobbles, and then shabam! Instant unicorn. (9)

"Ororo!" Forge yells.

The Orange Bull roars, and Ororo whinnies and rears (I thought I was DONE typing those infernal words!) and... bravely RLF for her life.

Our Heroes head out onto the beach. "Look!" Kitty yells. The Orange Bull has his horns aimed at Ororo, and she is backing into the sea.

"Large... body... of water..." John says, twitching slightly.

"Keep it together there," Wanda yawns.

As soon as Ororo touches the sea, though, she seems to remember that she is the heroine of this story and runs around the Orange Bull and further down the beach.

"Do something!" Forge yells. "You have the power!"

"Actually, I have the power," Remy says, smirking, and we know that somewhere, somehow, Rogue is facepalming.

"I will kill you if you don't do something!" Forge goes on.

"I cannot!" Kurt says. "Not all the magic in the world can save her now!"

"But special effects probably can," Forge says.

"That's the coward's way out!" Kurt replies.

"Then what is magic for?" Kitty demands. "What is the use of wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"

"That's what heroes are for," Kurt says. Then he breaks and starts to snicker.

Forge is Not Amused.

"Sorry," Kurt says, getting himself under control. "Carry on, carry on."

"Certainly was carrying on," Forge mutters. "Of course! That is exactly what heroes are for!" (10)

He pushes past Kurt and runs over to where the Orange Bull is chasing Ororo along the beach. He jumps in front of the Orange Bull.

"No!" Kitty yells.

So Forge gets crushed (as if you weren't expecting this), doing absolutely nothing to save Ororo (ditto).

However, this does make Ororo stop RLF-ing and look back at the Bull.

Oh, yeah, Mags happens to be watching this all from his tower, completely unmoved.

Author: -coughcoughbastardcoughcough-

So Ororo glances at Dead?Forge and her horn starts to glow. Then she rears and whinnies. Hah. Changed it up a bit there, didn't I. She charges the Orange Bull.

"She's attacking!" Kurt cries.

"Fighting back!" Kitty agrees.

"Yeah, a fat lot of help you guys are," Ororo mutters.

She bobs her head at the Orange Bull, walking like a pigeon as she forces him back to the sea.

"Large bodies of water!" John squeaks.

"Suck it up!" Wanda yells.

The Orange Bull steps into the waves. Yeah.

"Kitty!" Kurt cries, pointing at the incoming tide. The waves break, and in them are a whole bunch of unicorns.

Ororo points at the Orange Bull again and he goes fully into the sea. "Yeah, that's right!"

The wave surges over top of the Bull, with all the unicorns surfing right on top.

Kitty and Kurt run over by Dead?Forge, and the unicorns break around them like... like around a rock.

"Yeah, I like that analogy," Kitty mutters.

Author: Well, it describes your collective IQ.

"Does not! This is all the smart people in this show right here! ...With Kurt instead of Hank, though."

"I feel loved," Kurt mutters.

So, all the unicorns run by and they cause such a shaking, I guess, that the whole place starts to crumble.

"The last!" Magneto yells, going down with his... castle (doesn't sound as dramatic as ship). "I knew you were the last!" The ground crumbles out beneath him and he falls to his doom in the water below, blah blah blah and all that jazz.

So the whole castle breaks and falls into the sea after him. That's commitment for you.

Now that it's time for the Happy? Ending, the sun comes out and we see Kurt and Kitty crying by Dead?Forge.

Ororo comes over and nuzzles Kitty. "Oh... you stayed," Kitty says, petting Ororo. "You stayed... are you still out for my blood?"

"Nah," Ororo says. "My thirst for vengeance is sated, what with John all twitchy like that."

"Yeah," Wanda sighs, facepalming.

"Ocean!" John cries. "Wet! Bad! BANANAHAMMOCK!"

Wanda pauses, getting a squicked look.

Ororo walks over by Forge (the love theme playing in the background of course; it's actually rather tolerable when you don't have to listen to the singing) and rubs him with her horn. There is a magic-y flash of blue light and Forge stirs.

Author: See? Wasn't I a genius by putting the question mark in there?

"Now you see," Ororo says, "we're getting back to canon."

"Father?" Forge says. "Father, I had that same dream, about the evil bunnies..."

"LINE!" Remy yells.

"Oh, right," Forge says, sitting up. "Father, I had that same dream. No. I was dead." He rubs his head.

"Like everyone else in this room, pretty much," Kitty says.

"True," Forge says.

On a precipice above them, Ororo murmurs, "I remember you. I remember!"

They all watch as she runs away.

"It's so beautiful!" Caliban sobs.

"Somebody," Remy hisses, "get the brick- sedative!" (11)

Forge runs away from Kurt and Kitty, then stops.

There's a QSC to Forge, Kurt, and Kitty with horses, back on the edge of Mags's kingdom... or wherever, who cares.

"I will miss you," Forge says. "I never had any friends before." He hugs Kurt, who looks freaked out.

"...Is this bonding time?" Kurt says. "I don't see bonding time on the schedule!"

"Shut up," Forge says.

"We will come back," Kurt says.

As he hugs Kitty (who looks freaked out as well), he says, "I wish I could see her just once more, to tell her all that's in my heart. She will never know what I really meant to say."

"She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits," Kurt says.

"...Did you have some of m' burboun?" Remy asks.

"It's in the freaking script!" Kurt yells.

Author: Now, listen, because this is where a seemingly pointless conversation ties in to the Bigger Picture (tm).

"Have you had some of m' burboun?" Remy asks.

Author: Oy vey. -facepalms-

"Of all unicorns," Kurt says, "she is the only one who knows what regret is... and love."

Forge gets on his horsey and actually rides it, instead of just clinging to its back and screaming like he did before. "Grr."

"Come," Kurt says, grabbing Kitty's hands. "Come with me!"

"I will," Kitty says.

Kurt helps her up on her horse and then QSC to them asleep. Well, Kitty asleep. Kurt is awake.

Ororo is standing on a hill and Kurt comes over by her. "You are a true wizard now, as you always wished," she says. "Does it make you happy?"

"This movie is not about being happy!" Magneto yells.

"Shut up and be dead, Dad!" Wanda yells back.

"Well, men don't always know when they're happy, but I think so," Kurt says. "And you?"

"I am a little afraid to go home," Ororo says. "I have been mortal and some part of me is mortal yet. I'm no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret."

Author: See?

"But now I do. I regret."

"I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it," Kurt says, looking sheepish and stuff.

"No," Ororo says. "Unicorns are in the world again. No sorrow shall live in me as long as that joy, save one. And I thank you for that part too."

"No, that wasn't vague at all, 'Ro," Remy mutters.

"Will you SHUT UP!" Caliban demands.

"Where's the brick?"

"Farewell, good magician," Ororo says. "I will try to go home."

The sun starts to rise and Kitty gets up. Kurt goes over by her, and once more, just for old times sake (or maybe just to annoy me, yeah it's probably that), Ororo rears and whinnies and her mane flashes in the sun.

"...Oh, merde," Remy says. "Where's Pete?"

"Right here," Piotr says. "I never left. That door doesn't open."

Author: MWAHAHAHAH! I enjoy false hope.

"I'm alive
I'm alive"

So we see shots of Ororo running over the plains and fields she's already been over and stuff. Iiii hate writing reprises.

"You don't have to sing them," Piotr mutters. "When the last moon is cast
Over the last star of morning
And the future has passed
Without even a last desperate warning"

Ororo stops at the entrance to her forest.

"Y' can quit now, Pete," Remy says. "The rest is credits territory."

"YES!" Piotr yells, and then looks all embarrased.

"Don't get too excited, you have to do it in the next one anyway," Remy says. "Now, what were we forgetting?"

Ororo and Forge start to make out.

"Oh. Yeah. Dat."

(And that is that. Review!)

(1) My next parody is of The Road to El Dorado, entitled "The Road to Where Now?" Yes, TF, I did change the casting, because I just can't see Kurt being that much of a bastard to Remy. It's a Storge, so you should be happy.

(2) Told you I liked that insult.

(3) Heheh... There is a rant on a couples site that I read once that speculates that, with all the weird pairings out there, why isn't Lucas/Wanda one of them? They both want to kill their fathers, after all, and they're both psychotic.

(4) Badger: mushroom. Mushroom: shitake. I think you can make the rest of the connections on your own... I couldn't be arsed to change the rating, ok?

(5) Canon!Forge has never been one of the bright, shining examples of how to be happy with your life.

(6) As I've told TF (who seems to be the only one reading this, anyway), the two most heinous plot devices ever incorporated by Marvel were: Kurt!Priest and Ro!Hawk. The word Ororo and mohawk just do not belong together. Anywhere. Ever.

(7) I haven't been arsed to check when this movie actually came out, but I think it was late seventies, after Forge got Middleversed.

(8) D.I.D. is Damsel in Distress. It's an easy TLA, really.

(9) Again, another trademark of Rankin and Bass. They used the exact same sparkly thing for Return of the King, in the bit with the Watchers. Or whatever they were called. I'm surprised I remember it all, because I last watched that movie when I was six.

(10) Exchange from Yellow Submarine, of course.

(11) I told myself I wasn't gonna use that joke again... but I did. Oh, well.